Lost in the Whiplash - trying to understand
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 20
Lost in the Whiplash - trying to understand
I am a completely sober - never really have had much to drink - person. I started dating a guy I've known since grade school in early February. I knew right away he drank too much. His family even cautioned me about his drinking. I didn't like it and really didn't feel like the relationship would last long.
A month and a half after we were dating (and I was really not sure where it would go - but I DID care a lot about him), he landed in the hospital with DT's and a heart rate of 155 and nearly died 3 times. I stood by his side the entire time. His only word he spoke was my name. We walked through his initial recovery together. We were completely honest with each other going forward and things were good. He will tell you he has NO desire to drink - he credits God for taking that from him. After 20 years of being an Alcoholic to not even crave a drink has GOT to be God. He will tell you that and so would I.
We live two hours apart and, while the distance was incredibly hard for him, for me it kept the boundaries up I felt we needed and gave him the space to work his program (which he does every day). We were getting closer and closer with the foundation of a 30+year friendship to support it. I have some health problems myself and that seemed to really worry him. He worried about losing me and worried he would be "too active" for me.
We went on a vacation together and grew even closer. We were about to celebrate his 130th day of sobriety - it was day 129 and I didn't hear from him. I knew something was up - he finally called to say he just "didn't feel he could continue with my health problems." We had never even argued. We had amazing communication - up until this point. It was like I was suddenly a total nobody to him. He has said he's sorry over and over - but he's "made his decision." I KNOW he love(s/d) me. I know him. I asked him if he talked to his Sponsor about it. He said he had (in fact his Sponsor was the ONLY person he spoke to - our mutal close friends had NO idea - neither did his close personal friends or his family - EVERYONE was stunned because our relationship "appeared" to be working and was so happy and he was healing.) He said his Sponsor told him to "do what feels good to you."
After a ton of crying, pain, confusion on my part - silence on his - he wrote me to say he put his guard up so he wouldn't get closer and ended it. I am completely lost and heartbroken. I miss my friend. I miss my boyfriend. He still is sober - but I fear he has just moved on to a different relationship that is "nearby" because that's what fills his emptiness. I pray for him all the time. I pray for healing for him. I pray he will come to realize I care enough to support him through his illness that won't go away - and I pray he will one day reciprocate in kind.
Is this typical / normal alcoholic in sobriety behavior? Am I kidding myself that he will ever come back? I believe in God. I believe in miracles. I know God is driving this and I know recovering Alcoholics CAN move on and become "normal" people - recovery CAN'T be first - God MUST be first. Recovery - can be second but there must be some sort of balance somewhere to where two people can have a relationship and love each other. I feel like my heart has been ripped from my chest. I'm trying to take care of me. I went to a counselor today and will continue to go to my local Al-Anon meetings. I just am lost.
Honestly, I am not at a place right now where I believe I dodged a bullet. The thing is our relationship was absolutely "normal" after he went through his initial detox and started his AA program. HE was normal in the sense that he was kind and loving and we laughed and were completely open with each other. While I'm sure there are things I don't know about him and vice versa, for the most part I know his "dirt."
I'm not ready to give up on a relationship that was actually wonderful (we had our moments but we worked through them - that in itself is an amazing thing in my relationship history!) and honest. I'm looking for answers to what HE might be going through right now. I've read things on newly sober etc. but I just don't know what is really part of his AA program and what is not. Is it possible that his sponsor told him to sever the relationship? If so, why wouldn't he just tell me he needed to focus on his sobriety right now??
I don't have a lot of choice here but to do nothing other than try to take care of myself. I spend a lot of time praying and thinking -- and wishing he'd just miss me so much he'd call or text or SOMETHING. I don't understand how he could just end a 32 year friendship if nothing else.
I don't believe that walking away from a recovering alcoholic is always the answer. If they are working on themselves and truly working their program, seeking wise counsel, and STAYING sober, is there any reason for me NOT to try to be there for him? I'm no picnic either - I have my own baggage that he knows all about. And truly, I think he's just scared right now.
Please give me some advice on what I need to know about his stage of recovery and what he is going through. I've never been in a relationship with any person who has an addiction and I don't think I'm the type to behave co-dependently. I know better. I set boundaries with him during the relationship and he was very respectful of them. Neither of us liked the 2 hours between us but I felt it gave me space to tend to my teenage children (no - we would not ever have to deal with having children together) and him to deal with his recovery during the week.
If every alcoholic was considered a "bullet to dodge" how sad would that be???
A month and a half after we were dating (and I was really not sure where it would go - but I DID care a lot about him), he landed in the hospital with DT's and a heart rate of 155 and nearly died 3 times. I stood by his side the entire time. His only word he spoke was my name. We walked through his initial recovery together. We were completely honest with each other going forward and things were good. He will tell you he has NO desire to drink - he credits God for taking that from him. After 20 years of being an Alcoholic to not even crave a drink has GOT to be God. He will tell you that and so would I.
We live two hours apart and, while the distance was incredibly hard for him, for me it kept the boundaries up I felt we needed and gave him the space to work his program (which he does every day). We were getting closer and closer with the foundation of a 30+year friendship to support it. I have some health problems myself and that seemed to really worry him. He worried about losing me and worried he would be "too active" for me.
We went on a vacation together and grew even closer. We were about to celebrate his 130th day of sobriety - it was day 129 and I didn't hear from him. I knew something was up - he finally called to say he just "didn't feel he could continue with my health problems." We had never even argued. We had amazing communication - up until this point. It was like I was suddenly a total nobody to him. He has said he's sorry over and over - but he's "made his decision." I KNOW he love(s/d) me. I know him. I asked him if he talked to his Sponsor about it. He said he had (in fact his Sponsor was the ONLY person he spoke to - our mutal close friends had NO idea - neither did his close personal friends or his family - EVERYONE was stunned because our relationship "appeared" to be working and was so happy and he was healing.) He said his Sponsor told him to "do what feels good to you."
After a ton of crying, pain, confusion on my part - silence on his - he wrote me to say he put his guard up so he wouldn't get closer and ended it. I am completely lost and heartbroken. I miss my friend. I miss my boyfriend. He still is sober - but I fear he has just moved on to a different relationship that is "nearby" because that's what fills his emptiness. I pray for him all the time. I pray for healing for him. I pray he will come to realize I care enough to support him through his illness that won't go away - and I pray he will one day reciprocate in kind.
Is this typical / normal alcoholic in sobriety behavior? Am I kidding myself that he will ever come back? I believe in God. I believe in miracles. I know God is driving this and I know recovering Alcoholics CAN move on and become "normal" people - recovery CAN'T be first - God MUST be first. Recovery - can be second but there must be some sort of balance somewhere to where two people can have a relationship and love each other. I feel like my heart has been ripped from my chest. I'm trying to take care of me. I went to a counselor today and will continue to go to my local Al-Anon meetings. I just am lost.
Honestly, I am not at a place right now where I believe I dodged a bullet. The thing is our relationship was absolutely "normal" after he went through his initial detox and started his AA program. HE was normal in the sense that he was kind and loving and we laughed and were completely open with each other. While I'm sure there are things I don't know about him and vice versa, for the most part I know his "dirt."
I'm not ready to give up on a relationship that was actually wonderful (we had our moments but we worked through them - that in itself is an amazing thing in my relationship history!) and honest. I'm looking for answers to what HE might be going through right now. I've read things on newly sober etc. but I just don't know what is really part of his AA program and what is not. Is it possible that his sponsor told him to sever the relationship? If so, why wouldn't he just tell me he needed to focus on his sobriety right now??
I don't have a lot of choice here but to do nothing other than try to take care of myself. I spend a lot of time praying and thinking -- and wishing he'd just miss me so much he'd call or text or SOMETHING. I don't understand how he could just end a 32 year friendship if nothing else.
I don't believe that walking away from a recovering alcoholic is always the answer. If they are working on themselves and truly working their program, seeking wise counsel, and STAYING sober, is there any reason for me NOT to try to be there for him? I'm no picnic either - I have my own baggage that he knows all about. And truly, I think he's just scared right now.
Please give me some advice on what I need to know about his stage of recovery and what he is going through. I've never been in a relationship with any person who has an addiction and I don't think I'm the type to behave co-dependently. I know better. I set boundaries with him during the relationship and he was very respectful of them. Neither of us liked the 2 hours between us but I felt it gave me space to tend to my teenage children (no - we would not ever have to deal with having children together) and him to deal with his recovery during the week.
If every alcoholic was considered a "bullet to dodge" how sad would that be???
Member
Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 451
I don't really know what to say. All I can say is he has the choice to make the decision about who he wants in his life. To push him any further on it, would be to push him further away.
You have the choice, although hard, to dwell on it or to move on.
You have the choice, although hard, to dwell on it or to move on.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2010
Posts: 218
I'm sorry you are going through this. I don't know if you should have hope or not, or what will happen. Break ups are rough.
I can tell you as a person in recovery that I changed a lot from day one of sobriety to day 160 or 130 or whatever you said. New relationships are discouraged in early sobriety, and I think a big part of the reason is we change so much (not saying your relationship was new in early sobriety). In early sobriety, I have to learn who I am, and in some ways that is a completely different person with different desires, interests, personality, etc. than I thought. So the person I chose before sobriety or in early sobriety, and the person I would choose now, is different.
Also, when I got to a certain point in my sobriety, I wanted to be on my own to focus on my program. I just felt that I was not a whole person, so how could I be in a relationship without short-changing someone?
That's just my two cents and I by no means speak for anyone but myself.
I can tell you as a person in recovery that I changed a lot from day one of sobriety to day 160 or 130 or whatever you said. New relationships are discouraged in early sobriety, and I think a big part of the reason is we change so much (not saying your relationship was new in early sobriety). In early sobriety, I have to learn who I am, and in some ways that is a completely different person with different desires, interests, personality, etc. than I thought. So the person I chose before sobriety or in early sobriety, and the person I would choose now, is different.
Also, when I got to a certain point in my sobriety, I wanted to be on my own to focus on my program. I just felt that I was not a whole person, so how could I be in a relationship without short-changing someone?
That's just my two cents and I by no means speak for anyone but myself.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: Kansas
Posts: 10,182
Hi justpassinthrough and welcome to SR! 
Early sobriety is tough, and there's a good reason it's sometimes suggested to stay out of relationships for at least a year.
I didn't listen and made things that much more difficult for myself.
At 4 months sober, I didn't know what I was feeling half the time because I medicated those feelings for years with alcohol/drugs.
It appears to me that you are now the only one wanting a relationship if I read correctly.
Give the man the dignity to work his recovery as he sees fit for himself.
His best support, as is mine, is found in the rooms of recovery and with others in recovery.
I know this is painful, but you have a choice to walk through the pain, or drag it out.
Sending you hugs of support!
Early sobriety is tough, and there's a good reason it's sometimes suggested to stay out of relationships for at least a year.
I didn't listen and made things that much more difficult for myself.
At 4 months sober, I didn't know what I was feeling half the time because I medicated those feelings for years with alcohol/drugs.
It appears to me that you are now the only one wanting a relationship if I read correctly.
Give the man the dignity to work his recovery as he sees fit for himself.
His best support, as is mine, is found in the rooms of recovery and with others in recovery.
I know this is painful, but you have a choice to walk through the pain, or drag it out.
Sending you hugs of support!
Member
Join Date: Jun 2011
Posts: 2,163
I am a firm believer in giving people what they ask for, he wants out of the relationship, he is moving on, well so be it then. Perhaps down the road things will become clearer, but for now go forward,do not second guess his reasons or thoughts. That is not healthy for your well being.
I understand the heartache, and loss, but nothing positive can come from the what might have been, could have been, what if, dialogue that is spinning around in your head.
Be good to yourself, do something nice just for you. Spend time with friends. Explore new places. Discover new interests. Join an organization, or group. The only thing you have control over is YOU. Love and embrace yourself.
It is his recovery and this is how he is choosing to handle it. Take a few deep breaths and go forward. Things will get easier in time. All my best to you.
I understand the heartache, and loss, but nothing positive can come from the what might have been, could have been, what if, dialogue that is spinning around in your head.
Be good to yourself, do something nice just for you. Spend time with friends. Explore new places. Discover new interests. Join an organization, or group. The only thing you have control over is YOU. Love and embrace yourself.
It is his recovery and this is how he is choosing to handle it. Take a few deep breaths and go forward. Things will get easier in time. All my best to you.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 20
I am doing my very best to just leave him alone. For the most part, I succeed. I miss my friend. He just passed day 150 of sobriety. I am trying to live my life without him which is really ALL I can do other than pray. I DO hope he can find himself and figure out who this new "sober" person is - and eventually, I'm hopeful that will include me.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: Kansas
Posts: 10,182
Originally Posted by justpassinthru 
I know we both have choices. I guess my biggest question is the seemingly INSTANT change in his desire to be with me to not. LITERALLY over night.
One minute I was okay, the next minute I had a resentment over everybody!
You're not going to make sense of what he did, no matter how much you try to pick it apart, dear!
It takes a lot of hard work and a long time for a recovering alcoholic to find balance in his/her life, and be able to deal with the emotions.
I'm no angel!
Join Date: May 2005
Location: tampa, fl
Posts: 6,728
An alcoholics mind jumps all over the place, while activily drinking and in early recovery.
However, he was clear, he doesn't want to be in a relationship with you. I would believe him, his actions spoke for themselves.
He is in no condition to have an intimate relationship with anyone, let go, don't obsess, it will not change a thing.
His recovery is his business, his issue to resolve, to me, every alcoholic is in fact a bullet to dodge, as alcoholics take hostages, there is no chance for a healthy, rewarding relationship with an active drinker.
I am sorry that you are in pain, however, as you may not see it today, he actually has done you a big favor.
Have you read "Codependent No More" by Melody Beattie? If not, I would suggest that you take some time to read it.
Read around this forum and others on this board, it will help you to better understand this disease.
Again, I am so very sorry that you are having to deal with this, I've been there, it was, for me, a must miss.
Take care of you.
However, he was clear, he doesn't want to be in a relationship with you. I would believe him, his actions spoke for themselves.
He is in no condition to have an intimate relationship with anyone, let go, don't obsess, it will not change a thing.
His recovery is his business, his issue to resolve, to me, every alcoholic is in fact a bullet to dodge, as alcoholics take hostages, there is no chance for a healthy, rewarding relationship with an active drinker.
I am sorry that you are in pain, however, as you may not see it today, he actually has done you a big favor.
Have you read "Codependent No More" by Melody Beattie? If not, I would suggest that you take some time to read it.
Read around this forum and others on this board, it will help you to better understand this disease.
Again, I am so very sorry that you are having to deal with this, I've been there, it was, for me, a must miss.
Take care of you.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 20
I have read co-dependent no more and have had counseling several times in my life and determined that that is not a problem of mine. In fact, I suggest often that friends of mine read it
I do understand that I cannot do anything to change him or change his mind. It just doesn't make sense to me considering that he had seemingly gone through his withdrawals, detox and initial stages of sobriety with me - and then, he immediately began going to AA daily (and still does) and working his program. He is a VERY determined person and I know he has been told - drink one more drink - you die. He believes that and dealing with alcohol AND him is no longer an issue.
I have no choice but to give him time and space. And, it appears from some of the responses it is not that unusual for a newly sober alcoholic to make snap/irrational changes in their life. I don't think it's wrong for me to love him from afar and pray for his safe return... and his healing ... and mine.
I do understand that I cannot do anything to change him or change his mind. It just doesn't make sense to me considering that he had seemingly gone through his withdrawals, detox and initial stages of sobriety with me - and then, he immediately began going to AA daily (and still does) and working his program. He is a VERY determined person and I know he has been told - drink one more drink - you die. He believes that and dealing with alcohol AND him is no longer an issue.
I have no choice but to give him time and space. And, it appears from some of the responses it is not that unusual for a newly sober alcoholic to make snap/irrational changes in their life. I don't think it's wrong for me to love him from afar and pray for his safe return... and his healing ... and mine.
Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
