justpassinthru

I am a completely sober - never really have had much to drink - person. I started dating a guy I've known since grade school in early February. I knew right away he drank too much. His family even cautioned me about his drinking. I didn't like it and really didn't feel like the relationship would last long.

A month and a half after we were dating (and I was really not sure where it would go - but I DID care a lot about him), he landed in the hospital with DT's and a heart rate of 155 and nearly died 3 times. I stood by his side the entire time. His only word he spoke was my name. We walked through his initial recovery together. We were completely honest with each other going forward and things were good. He will tell you he has NO desire to drink - he credits God for taking that from him. After 20 years of being an Alcoholic to not even crave a drink has GOT to be God. He will tell you that and so would I.

We live two hours apart and, while the distance was incredibly hard for him, for me it kept the boundaries up I felt we needed and gave him the space to work his program (which he does every day). We were getting closer and closer with the foundation of a 30+year friendship to support it. I have some health problems myself and that seemed to really worry him. He worried about losing me and worried he would be "too active" for me.

We went on a vacation together and grew even closer. We were about to celebrate his 130th day of sobriety - it was day 129 and I didn't hear from him. I knew something was up - he finally called to say he just "didn't feel he could continue with my health problems." We had never even argued. We had amazing communication - up until this point. It was like I was suddenly a total nobody to him. He has said he's sorry over and over - but he's "made his decision." I KNOW he love(s/d) me. I know him. I asked him if he talked to his Sponsor about it. He said he had (in fact his Sponsor was the ONLY person he spoke to - our mutal close friends had NO idea - neither did his close personal friends or his family - EVERYONE was stunned because our relationship "appeared" to be working and was so happy and he was healing.) He said his Sponsor told him to "do what feels good to you."

After a ton of crying, pain, confusion on my part - silence on his - he wrote me to say he put his guard up so he wouldn't get closer and ended it. I am completely lost and heartbroken. I miss my friend. I miss my boyfriend. He still is sober - but I fear he has just moved on to a different relationship that is "nearby" because that's what fills his emptiness. I pray for him all the time. I pray for healing for him. I pray he will come to realize I care enough to support him through his illness that won't go away - and I pray he will one day reciprocate in kind.

Is this typical / normal alcoholic in sobriety behavior? Am I kidding myself that he will ever come back? I believe in God. I believe in miracles. I know God is driving this and I know recovering Alcoholics CAN move on and become "normal" people - recovery CAN'T be first - God MUST be first. Recovery - can be second but there must be some sort of balance somewhere to where two people can have a relationship and love each other. I feel like my heart has been ripped from my chest. I'm trying to take care of me. I went to a counselor today and will continue to go to my local Al-Anon meetings. I just am lost.

Honestly, I am not at a place right now where I believe I dodged a bullet. The thing is our relationship was absolutely "normal" after he went through his initial detox and started his AA program. HE was normal in the sense that he was kind and loving and we laughed and were completely open with each other. While I'm sure there are things I don't know about him and vice versa, for the most part I know his "dirt."

I'm not ready to give up on a relationship that was actually wonderful (we had our moments but we worked through them - that in itself is an amazing thing in my relationship history!) and honest. I'm looking for answers to what HE might be going through right now. I've read things on newly sober etc. but I just don't know what is really part of his AA program and what is not. Is it possible that his sponsor told him to sever the relationship? If so, why wouldn't he just tell me he needed to focus on his sobriety right now??

I don't have a lot of choice here but to do nothing other than try to take care of myself. I spend a lot of time praying and thinking -- and wishing he'd just miss me so much he'd call or text or SOMETHING. I don't understand how he could just end a 32 year friendship if nothing else.

I don't believe that walking away from a recovering alcoholic is always the answer. If they are working on themselves and truly working their program, seeking wise counsel, and STAYING sober, is there any reason for me NOT to try to be there for him? I'm no picnic either - I have my own baggage that he knows all about. And truly, I think he's just scared right now.

Please give me some advice on what I need to know about his stage of recovery and what he is going through. I've never been in a relationship with any person who has an addiction and I don't think I'm the type to behave co-dependently. I know better. I set boundaries with him during the relationship and he was very respectful of them. Neither of us liked the 2 hours between us but I felt it gave me space to tend to my teenage children (no - we would not ever have to deal with having children together) and him to deal with his recovery during the week.

If every alcoholic was considered a "bullet to dodge" how sad would that be???

suki44883

Welcome to SR. I agree with Anvil, he's made his decision, for whatever reason, so that's pretty much all there is to that song. Maybe it had to do with his recovery and maybe it didn't. Maybe he wasn't as into the relationship as you were or maybe he decided the relationship had run its course. Hard to tell, but in any case, sometimes we just never know all the hows and whys.

outtolunch

After 6 months, he dumped you. I know it hurts like hell. Consider grief counseling to help you cope with the loss.

Ann

I'm sorry your are going through this, but it is apparent that for whatever reason, he has made himself clear.

Acceptance is hard. But reationalizing, justifying, hypothesizing and wishing it wasn't so won't change the outcome.

Sometimes our blessings come strangely wrapped. Once you accept and let go, you may find something special waiting just ahead for you.

We have a saying here, Let Go and Let God. Once we let go of trying to control the outcome, God can lead us to where we are supposed to go.

Hugs

justpassinthru

Thank you, cynical one, for your BULLET POINT answers! Sooo helpful! The two things that in particular stood out for me (and I'm sorry I don't know how to cut and paste like you did) were that his sponsor very likely did NOT say what he said he did. I felt that the minute he told me that. I thought - well that's b.s. brown as brown! I am totally not speaking to him right now - not texting not emailing not calling - nothing. I want him to have the space he needs to figure whatever out.

As to the fact that he has had NO cravings, that's not exactly true - he has said, "would a cold beer sound good right now? yes. Am I going to drink one? HELL NO!" It really is remarkable that he seemingly (note that word) has no desire at all to drink. And I KNOW he has not had one drink. He's now on day 152. Still new in his world of no alcohol. He was a HIGHLY functioning alcoholic. Rarely, if ever, got "stinking drunk" and ran a highly successful business (which he still has).

I am quite sure his relationships with his past women were not good due to the alcohol. Ours, as we spoke frequently of, was so different for him. And, I truly believe that.

I thank you for the terminology you taught me. I am hungry for learning more. I think, yes he totally shifted his being sick onto me. But I DO have some health issues that cause him concern. When we were on the phone and he was giving me his lame reasons why, I said to him, "Wait a minute, I'm willing to deal with your alcoholism - for life - no chance of it EVER going a way, and you won't deal with my Chronic Fatigue/Fibromyalgia???"

I think he is absolutely not in a place for a healthy relationship right now. It does scare me that he broke ours off - and no it was not toxic to him... I don't drink, we went to church together, had long talks about "normal life" things and very much enjoyed each other's company. I pray his Sponsor sees through what he's doing. I wish I could speak to his Sponsor myself. I wish a lot of things.

I appreciate all the feedback I'm getting here. I really do. I'm not willing to let him go completely. I still pray he'll call or text. I'll put boundaries up to protect myself if he does, but I won't stop loving him.

Please continue to provide me with feedback if you have any!!!! I'm soaking it all up like a sponge right now.

Thank you

justpassinthru

Again, Cynical One, you offer helpful words. I do actually attend local Al-Anon meetings and have since two days after he landed in the hospital in March. I also think this:

His behavior, words, and actions are of someone who is pushing you away because he has, wants to, or is planning on drinking. So don’t be shocked to find out sometime in the future that he’s already relapsed…for now just be open to the possibility.

is very wise. I'll know if he does end up drinking - because his parents will call me to tell me he died. He nearly died 3x in the hospital and was told in NO uncertain terms - ONE more drink friend, and you ARE dead. This alone has put the fear of alcohol in him and, I have known him for 32 years as a friend first... He is VERY much convinced this is true and he has grown fond of life - particularly after what he went through in the hospital. But, as you say, there is ALWAYS that possibility.

And, I read my 12 steps daily. I know I am powerless over alcohol. And I don't and never have believed I can help him with that issue - or the results from it or really any other in his life - other than support and love. Period.

I AM also sure that he is lying to me in some way about something right now. I also know how IMPORTANT working his program is to him and, lastly, I believe God can heal ANY situation.

I NEED the feedback from this forum to make it through each day. I am trying to simply take care of myself and this is how I'm doing it right now... Thank you.

Kindeyes

Beautifully stated.

gentle hugs
ke

justpassinthru

Well, no actually, I KNOW I can't change him. I can't fix him, and I can't make his decisions for him. I know all that.

Found out the missing piece of the puzzle today. I was right, he found someone "local" and didn't have the nerve to tell me. My guess is she won't put up with him long - sober or not - but who knows.

Saddest saddest thing is... I still love him and feel like I was just stabbed in the heart all over again. And... I don't know how to deal with this now.

dollydo

There is nothing you can do, except to move forward with your life. I am sorry that you are in pain, however, to me, he did you a favor, he is now someone elses problem.

When that relationship begins to bore him, he will move onto another.

Some men are just drifters.

nerdygirl

dolly is right, some men are drifters. Addicts and alcoholics especially have a short shelf life. They start new relationships constantly because once their SO finds out how deep rooted their problems are, the relationship becomes difficult or ends completely. Then they spend a few months engrossed in their addiction and the cycle repeats itself. I agree with everyone here - he did you a favor. Sounds like you have your own health issues to concern yourself with. Healing and being happy with YOU is the best medicine. I'm not trying to diminish your pain - I know how badly it hurts to be tossed aside. I look at people like this as a season in my life. I was there when that person needed me or vice versa, now that season in my life is over... Intellectually, I can tell myself these little words of wisdom all day long, but the pain and emptiness is still there. With time it goes away. There's always time...

cece1960

I've been following your thread for selfish reasons...my BF of over eight years dumped me a few months back, which pulled the rug right out from under me.

We too had a very solid relationsship. In fact it was the most honest and sincere relationships I've ever experienced and I'm no spring chicken.

He too lived two hours away. It worked for us.

But about two years ago he developed a serious health problem and began to re-evaluate his life. I guess something in him told him that I was not a part of his long term plans, if he even had the right to think long term.

He too "found" someone more local.

I was crushed ( still am) but I know I will never makes sense of his thoughts, simply because I don't think the same.

Rarely a day goes by that I don't think of him. But I also know that I deserve better. I deserve the same feelings I have to be returned.

His actions towards me wiped out the "good relationship" we had. Regardless of what it "was" it now isn't, and will never again be.

I have no choice but to accept it and move on. I am now working on trusting anyone ( which will be a challenge)

I just wanted you to know that I know your pain.

(((Hugs)))