Bella7

Sorry, this is insanely long... no worries if you don't make it to the end...

I have a sister who is addicted to crack... recently started using alcohol in her morning coffee to start the day... had her young son taken away from her for a week... now Family Services let him go back because she is no longer using alcohol to start her day...

To my surprise, my sister's substance abuse issues are causing problems between my mother and I...

My sister started experimenting in drugs at 14 or so... eventually got so badly addicted to crack that she worked for an escort service to pay for her habit... She is a professional with a very well paying job, but is always on and off disability for "mental health issues"... A few years ago she had to declare herself bankrupt because she racked up such enormous debt to feed her crack habit...

Then 2 years ago my sister got pregnant... stopped doing drugs and drinking... was back to the sister I remembered from her pre-drug days: happy, pleasant personality etc.... after her maternity leave ended she started having trouble again... moody as all hell, lashing out at everyone... I suspected she was once again struggling with drugs, but have no proof... this is just her usual pattern from the past - when off drugs she's nice as pie... when on drugs, she's not a nice person to be around....

Anyhow, my mother has made it her mission to save my sister from her addictions... my mom babysits her child for about 15 days per month to save her the money she'd otherwise be spending on her nanny... my sister's ex (father of her child) takes care of the little guy every second weekend... between that, my parents and her nanny, my sis has a minimum of 1 day and night every single week for "me time" when she is neither at work or with her child.

Me, on the other hand, I don't ask my mom to babysit more than once or twice a year since my sis had her son... my mom has no time and I feel like a jerk to ask... when I do ask, it's only because i literally have no other choice (ex. a medical procedure that I need my hubby to drive me home from and it's scheduled right in the middle of my kids nap time in the afternoon)

Anyhow, my mom insists that my sister has a mental illness, so this is not her fault, and we have to help her... my mom thinks I should call my sis once in a while to see how she's doing... But my sister is normal as can be when she's not doing drugs and loses her cravings for them (ie. when she first found out and up until she had to go back to work when her maternity leave ended)... so does she truly have a mental illness? or is it merely her addiction making her act irrationally?

I can't handle my sis... every time I reach out to her, after 2 or 3 nice calls it ends in her lashing out and getting really nasty... I can't handle it... I have a physical health issue of my own that has been devastating to my quality of life... I have to try so hard to keep my sanity and happiness as it is... but it's a precarious happiness, and I know if I let too much craziness from my sister's life into my own it will be more than I can take...

Although I don't think my mom intends this, she makes me feel like a jerk for not being more understanding of my sister's "mental illness"... but I feel her "mental illness," if it's that, was caused by her intensive drug use for over 15 years... who's brain wouldn't be fried after that??? I feel sad for my sis that she's ruined her life and can't seem to get herself back to a state of normalcy... but am I obligated to go for the ride with her??? I feel it will ruin my own life if I get too involved with my sis... I see how this is destroying my mother and ruining her happiness, and I don't want it to destroy me up too... easier to keep my distance, with the door open if and when my sister ever gets her life together...

Am I a jerk for not seeing things as my mother does: that my sister's addiction is merely a manifestation of my sister's recently diagnosed mental illness?? Should I help my sister more? check in on her more?

I know addiction is viewed as a disease now and all... but does that mean we are obligated to bend over backwards to support them in the same way we do a cancer patient? or a multiple sclerosis patient? etc. When someone has been doing drugs for over 15 years, when can we say enough is enough and I can't provide "support" for you anymore? I'm sorry she has dug herself into such a deep hole and she can't get out now... but I really don't see what I can do to fix it...

My mom says the only reason my sister is alive today is because my mom has helped her so much... I totally agree... But does that when my mom is someday no longer able to help her, and I refuse to take over, and then my sister's addiction and the associated depression causes her to kill herself, that I am somehow partially to blame for not helping enough?? Where do we draw the line?

That feels wrong to me... I can't save my sister... I feel she's the only one that can do that...

Thanks for reading...

MsPINKAcres

Welcome to the SR family!

Hate that the disease has taken away a sister from you & that your mom is unaware of how she is enabling the situation. . .

I believe it is ok to set healthy boundaries to take care of ourselves and our own families as long as they are not vindicitive and malicious ~ You have to be the judge as to what is healthy for you & your family.

We don't have to treat our alcoholic/addict loved ones as less than people, but at the same time we don't have to treat them as fragile people either ~ Balance seems to be the key for me.

PINK HUGS & prayers for God's best,
Rita

cc88

Welcome, but so sorry to hear this.

This hits home and is very similar to my frustration. I think my family is making it easier on my addict brother, and I don't think they should.

problem is, I cant make any of them change (i.e. quit enabling him and believing the lies) any more than I can make my own brother quit using. They have to decide. From the little I've learned about this stuff, I think the idea is to focus on what you ARE able to control. I can't change the fact that my addict brother is allowed to visit my family any time, borrow money, and eat food there, but I've told my mom that as long as my brother is allowed to visit her house, I wont be. Can't change her mind, but I can remove myself from the chance of running into him.

its a horrible feeling wanting to change someone else's behavior be they enabling family or the addict themselves, and it definitely sucks feeling both at the same time. I know, Im there now. I would encourage you NOT to let an addict OR your Mother "guilt" you into helping and enabling. do what's right for you. It sounds like helping your sister is your mom's drug. Don't let either of their addictions manipulate you.

hang in there

Bella7

Thanks to everyone for your replies... it's a relief to let it out with people who know what this is like...

I try really hard to NOT be hurt... but if I'm truly honest, I'd have to say that yes, it hurts my feelings often... it's one thing when my mom is helping my sis because my sis is in another one of her crisis episodes... I completely understand that my mom needs to help out if for no other reason than the fact that now there's a child involved!

But for sure on those all of those days that my mom takes care of my sis's son because my sis feels hard done by because she's a single parent, and because she wants to save my sis the money she would have spent on a nanny, THAT is hard to take sometimes... to me, that kind of help is optional, and not a necessity... I wish my mom would find some balance and take the time to get to know MY kids a bit more...

I feel like I'm being a selfish brat feeling resentful at times, for feeling like my sis has "stolen" my mother from me... don't want to be that girl, so am trying like mad to let this go... just accept things as they are, and not expect anything more.... some days I succeed, but others, not so much... hopefully I can get better at this as time goes on...

Thanks for saying that... although most of the time I think that, there are times when I have my doubts, you know? Helps to hear it from someone else.

And THAT is huge isn't it! Trouble is, no-one ever knows for sure (except maybe her psychiatrist) if she's clean or not... For everyone else, all we have is suspicions... no proof...

Personally, I believe the most likely case is that most of the time she's clean now, but falls "off the wagon" once in a while, and that precipitates her massive mood swing episodes and lashing out... maybe clean during the week when she works, then falls off the wagon and does crack on the weekend when her son is with my parents or her ex... gets things "under control" so she can pick up her son on Sunday night... goes through moodiness/depression withdrawal all week.. no proof, but just suspect this...

...and as for my mom, she's adamant that no way is my sister having issues with crack anymore... my mom thinks that because my sister gives her her debit card and has money in the bank that she can't afford crack (hello... what's stopping my sis from moonlighting as an escort to earn a few extra bucks under the table for drugs as she did in the past???) - my mom insists that my sis's only current issues now are "that she's sick... she has a mental illness" and that "sometimes she drinks too much, but I told her to stop and she's listening now"

And especially now that my sis has a child, I doubt she'd ever admit to doing crack again for fear of losing him to Family Services (in the end, she wouldn't actually LOSE him I suppose, because my parents would step in a raise him... but still...)

So as long as she is what I think of as a "functional" addict, and as long as her child is being taken care of, I don't see how this will change... I feel horrible for her kid... it's hard enough growing up with normal parents... never mind a mom who struggles with addiction...

Bella7

Thanks Rita! For sure I'd never, ever, be malicious towards my sis. If she calls me (which rarely happens), I'll always return her call because I feel like it's the polite thing to do... and at family events when I see her, I make polite small talk with her, ask how she's been etc.

Trouble is, if I try to be "friends" (for lack of a better word) outside of family events with my sis, she always ends up having a really mean day by the 3rd or 4th phone call at most...and THAT, I won't put up with. So I gave up years ago on trying to be friends outside of family events... tried one more time after she had her baby, but again, she got mean and lashed out, so that was the end up that. My mom is sad because of this, but it's better for my sis and I to be distant... still cordial, but distance is better...

Bella7

Thanks so much!

It's all such a muddy situation now... before my sis had her kid, it was easy for me to say 100% my mom should let her sink or swim... I felt the only chance my sis had of recovering from her addictions and being long-term clean was if she was left to see what life was really like on her own...

But now, she has a child... that makes it hard... he's only 2 yrs old, so what is best now? If my mom stopped helping her, I worry for what would happen to her son...

I know she'd the only one who can fix this, but then where does that leave her child in the meantime? He's got a temperamental, mood-swinging mother who is addicted to crack, but who is functioning well enough that no-one has proof... only suspicions...

Wish we could hook her up to a fool proof lie detector... /sigh For now, I'm pretty sure my mom thinks I'm unkind for being so suspicious of what's going on with my sis....

Apparently my sis has been considering off and on whether or not to give up custody of her child to her ex... but my mom would fight like mad to prevent that I'm sure... I'm not even sure whether or not her son would be better off with her ex... this is so freaking messy...

Bella7

OMG... just scrolled through my posts and realized I've practically written a novel.... sorry about that everyone... I swear, my posts should get shorter now that the bulk of this is out there...

loveforhorses

First and foremost you have to do what is best for you and your family. They come first. Unfortunately you cant change them. If you have storng concerns about your sisters baby then for his sake you may want to make a call to child services and they will most likely drug test her and then place the child with his father or your parents. But weigh that carefully before you act. AS far as your sister it is not your job to help her or take care of her. Mental illness is extremely difficult to diagnose on someone who is using or it goign through detox because addiction mimics mental illness and so does detox. Diagnosis is best when someone is clean/sober. She very well may have a mental illness, but....

Take care of yourself and your family first. Feel free to vent here anytime we are happy to listen

outtolunch

Sounds like mom may believe:

She caused this, and

She can control this, and

She can cure this


Mom is not that powerful. None of us are.

Your sister's situation sounds like it is chemically induced. What's mom's excuse? By this, I mean codependents are often more broken than the addicts. I know I was.

Let go. It's not personal. It just feels that way. Darn.

Bella7

Thank-you!

I'm certain my mom thinks she can control this and cure it. As for causing it, I don't think my mom believes she had anything to do with that part. My mom is the kind of person who thinks she does everything better than everyone else... not in a malicious way or anything... but, well, I'm sure you can imagine... So now that my sister's life is not turning out so great, my mom has started trying to normalize it by saying stuff like every family has someone like my sis in it. In fact, just today she was trying to name every flaw in my in-laws family and basically accusing me of just not telling her the bad stuff that goes on... (err... maybe I don't tell her a lot of bad stuff about them because there honestly isn't much to tell????)

As for my mom's excuse... I don't know... I think she's insecure in some ways only because she gets hurt feelings so easily and criticizes others a lot. Maybe my sis going off the rails with drugs makes her secretly feel like she was a bad mom therefore she has to fix it?? Her own mother was very demanding at times and also very critical... some of that must have rubbed off on my mom...

My mom is very critical of us kids in that if we don't do exactly what she thinks we should, then we've done it wrong - ex. she raised us all to grow up and marry a doctor or a lawyer (seriously... she really did) - I did not marry a doctor or a lawyer and to this day (I've been happily with my hubby for 16 years...) I know in my heart that she STILL thinks I made the wrong move... My mom is big into marrying someone who is higher up than you money-wise, especially if you're a woman... I'm in the upper income bracket, so if I had followed her advice, I'm sure I'd still be single lol... I mean really, the crazy marry-a-doctor-or-lawyer thing would have ruled out almost all of the guys that I used to meet! Out of all of my siblings, I'm the only one married... 2 are single, and one is on-off-again with someone.

Neither of my parents has any substance abuse issues... they don't even smoke cigarettes... both are hard workers etc.... The biggest issue is just that my mom likes to control everything, and not open-minded at all to people doing things that she wouldn't do...

Anyhow, getting late... time for sleep now... thanks again for all of your support! Hope everyone has a good night!