Mrshall

Well after reading, educating myself, and attending celebrate recovert meeting, I learned how to "let go" and set boundaries. I set my boundaries with my husband. Long story short: he told me he had a problem. I freaked out (on the inside but kept a strong demeanor), I told him he had 2 weeks to get help if he did not want me to contact a lawyer. I set that boundary and said it was up to him to find where, when, and how he was going tO get help without me finding it for him. IT WAS ALL UP TO HIM. I stayed strong for those two weeks preparing for what could happen and how I was going to enforce my boundaries if he didn't follow through. In those two weeks he went to 3 meetings and had a slight relapse. When the two weeks were up (last friday) he called me around 4:30 and told me he found the program that sounded like the best fit. Good for him. So I asked when he starts and how the program worked. And he didn't have any answers. I explained tohim he had two weeks to figure the details out. He needed to know who what when how and why he was getting treatment. I felt let down and was disappointed. I stuck to my boundary and told him I was calling my lawyer tO set up a mediation and legal separation until he was in a recovery program. After a few minutes of him being in shock I explained to him he can tell me what he wanted to do all he wants but it's time for his actions to prove it. Anyways, so this weekend I worked on detaching myself and it was HARd!!!! My heart tried to cover up the rational thoughts of my brain but I stayed strong (thanks for these forums) and separated from him this weekend. He was very hurt when I didn't go to a family BBQ with him Saturday and broke down. He ended up telling his grandmother everything. But anyways, no more rambling. Today my husband called me around lunch and he made an assessment appointment at a treatment center here in town. He found it, go the number and info on th program and did it all on his own. To save his family. Now I know the next step is him following through and doin the program but this was a big step for both of us. I detached and let him dohis own thing and when I stuck to my boundaries he did wHat needed to be done not to hit his bottom. So inconclusion: YAY.:day2

artist83

That's wonderful. Congrats on sticking to your boundaries. Hopefully your husband will continue in the direction that he seems to be going - the path to recovery.

I wish I had the strength right now to do what you did, but at least I'm being honest with myself when I say that I am just not ready to give my boyfriend that kind of choice. But seeing that you and your husband have both taken huge, positive steps towards recovery gives me a sense of hope for myself and for my boyfriend.

Thank you for sharing this accomplishment. Good news is something that we all need to see, and appreciate.

Thanks again!

Mrshall

Artist- I didn't known had that strength int me. I have been praying hard. Everytime I had the urgeto call, text, or just want to go hug and ask him to hold me and make all this go away. I thought of the choices he made and the choices I needed to make. If he wants his family he will get clean. If he chooses not to, then I will not hold myself back. I read these forums alot this weekend. Alot alot. They helped give me strength. It was hard seeing my husband and best friend hurt when I detached from him this weekend. But he didn't follow through. That was my boundary. He didn't care enough to keep his end of the deal but I was keeping mine. How can I expect him to follow through if I dont ?? YOU CAN DO IT !!

Kindeyes

Holding boundaries is very important. Good job.

gentle hugs
ke

outtolunch

At the risk of being Debby Downer here, what I read was an overt attempt to control someone else's behavior, not a boundary.

Control statements usually begin with "you will/will not or else....

A boundary begins with I will/will not, and .....

Attempts to control other people don't work.

A boundary means taking responsibility for ourselves and lets go of the outcome.

"I will not be in a relationship with someone in active addiction" is a boundary. If the boundary is crossed, we take ownership and remove ourselves from the situation. A boundary is established to control our own reactions , not other people.

Ann

I know the gut-kicked feeling when we get excited about some good progress and then it ends in a relapse. That can happen any time. My son had 3 "good recovery" years, all was well in his life...good job, nice girlfriend, regular meetings and fine sponsor...and still relapsed.

What I learned was that I could no longer handle the "highs" and "lows" when how "I" was depended on how "he" was doing. That's very very hard to control. What mama wouldn't feel elated and proud if her boy seemed to have beaten his addiction?

I think that's why our Anon meetings are about us, and they teach us how to keep our balance when we get off the roller coaster of following the addict.

You have my support, prayers and hope, that you and your husband each find your own recovery and that life gets better very soon.

Hugs

Mrshall

Thank you everyone for your input. I understand what you mean by trying to control behavior. And you are probably right. I do have to say though this whole "focusing on me" is nice. Especially since I am 7 months pregnant. I focus on my needs and have started doing things to distract myself everytime I concern myself with my husbands using (or not using). Everytime I wonder if he is serious about recovery or if he is using and I don't know or something like that I just go do something else. It's not healthy for me to think like that. My two and half year old keeps me busy too gosh i love that kid. But its Time to focus on me. He is still my husband. And I vowed on my wedding day for better or worse. However, if he chooses unhealthy behavior I cannot control that. I can only support him in recovery though. I am excited about the program he starts Thursday because they have a family night once a week where they work with families.

Anyways, just to update. Last night I was watching tv and my hubby came in and I forget how we got onto the subject but during the convo he pulled out this folded up piece of paper and showed me his "count sheet" he had a little hand written piece f paper of every day he was clean and then if he took anything that day he had it written down. Even the time he t but told me he HAS to leave his job.

Mrshall

That last post got messed up. I'm typing on my iPad so let's try that again lol.

Anyways, just to update. Last night I was watching tv and my hubby came in and I forget how we got onto the subject but during the convo he pulled out this folded up piece of paper and showed me his "count sheet" he had a little hand written piece f paper of every day he was clean and then if he took anything that day he had it written down. Even the time, amount and who he got it from. It kind of open my eyes and I thought "wow. Kooky there." made me proud of him in a way. I deeply love my husband. He has been there when I was at my worst and only accepted my best. I will also be there for him, addict or not, as long as he is in recovery.

he also told me he HAS to leave his job. That he CANNOT say no to people at work over and over. They will eventually get a yes out of him. I knew this. I know his job is not the environment he needs to be in, but to hear him say this and admit to it and know he cannot get 100% while still working there also made me proud. He said this all On his own. I did not instigate the topic, I did Agree though. But here is the problem, for this economy he has a great reliable job. He makes good money and supports our family. I work full time in surgery at a hospital but am coming home in 8 weeks to stay home wit my children.

Should he go ahead and leave his job ??? Jobs in our area are hard to come by but he is serious about leaving now. I know he needs to but I am scared about him leaving NOW. ugh. I'm just a glass case of emotiOn lol. I cant wait not to be pregnant anymore. Yes I want him to have a new job. I just want a stable income for my child and this new baby