BobbyJ

Well it happen...After all of this misery and months of confussion. I did it.

The issues, the triggers, the constant thinking, the fears, etc, etc. kept building up in me. I work the program everyday, constantly working my brain and heart.

I go to meetings, somedays they do good and somedays I feel like they keep me trapped and running in circles, like the mouse chasing the cheese. Alanon is wonderful and has been a life saving tool for me. But I have my moments were I just get p.o. that I have to eat it, live it and breath it to survive...

I never drink, maybe 1 a year. BUT...I told myself, Im going to do this and Im going to see how it feels.

Grab a 6 six of beer, mowed the yard in the dark, left the bottles in the yard, had 3 flat tires the entire time and only 1 head light, didnt mow over any trees which was really good. Then went and got a tattoo. Drunk dialed some friends and family.

Damn, I havent laughed like that in 15 years

But then, the craziest thing happen.
About 3am in the morning I began to cry, I cried the entire next day. It wasnt just snibbles, it was big boo hoo's...
The tears kept pouring even when I went to sleep.

I sat back and wondered to myself, What triggered me to do that? What triggered me to cry? Why would you want to drink? What was your point?

Im so mad at alcohol and my xah, i could cry....I DID
Havent cried like that for years

Im so lost on who and what to be in life, i could cry...I DID

Im tired of always being the responsible one, i could cry...I DID

I had to make alot of phone calls to friends and family, explaining to them, I was only drunk dialing and I wasnt serious about them looking good in a brazillian bikini

I had to deal with more emotions and triggers, than I had bargained for.
It up rooted alot of issues, that have been hiding or ones that I didnt want
to dig out just quite yet.

I had wings, I was healed, I didnt need no stupid program and I surely didnt need to read no more books! Yeah for me!

Well, come Monday here I am, broken wings, back to the books, ready to hide away from the world, stay in my safe place (at home) isolate myself and begin to go back to work on me...And maybe plant some new flowers that did get clipped last week...

Am I glad I did it? Yes and No.
Im happy to know that I still have a sense of humor left in me.
It felt good to laugh again

No because now I have to deal with more than I wanted too.
The things I had packed inside of me, are out, staring at me!
The crying jag, was hard, but it was good like watching
a chick flick and releasing built up steam.

I thought to myself, "YOU just divorced your ah for being an alcoholic
and your out drinking. What are you thinking. Isnt that calling the pot
calling the kettle black?"...I answered yes and drank some more.

And because my girlfriend grounded me off the mower
And Im a sissy, and this new tattoo is totally not me

But today, Im laughing at myself and thats okay!

Hopefully, I will never write another post like this again!!!!

suki44883

What tattoo did you get?

wanttobehealthy

I'm on my dying phone but wanted to send you lots of love & suggest you be gentle w yourself. Things happen for reasons I believe & you drinking & getting out some emotions& unearthing stuff you'd kept buried sounds like painful but necessary stuff...

Thinking of you...

dollydo

Wow...you had one Hail of a time!

Yep, it's the dreaded Monday, back to reality....phooey....

And....I know the tat is of a beer bottle...right? Huh? Huh?

To be honest, I am sitting here smiling...shhhh don't tell anyone!

MTSlideAddict

I completely empathize with you. There is just a lot of stuff that we go through dealing with the problems that arise with an alcoholic spouse. I hope you got it out of your system. It needed to get out. Sometimes I wish I could just do that and vent. Go easy on yourself, and allow those feeling to come out when needed. Built up stress isn’t easy to live with. We are all here for you.

sunshine321

It's good to experiment. The difference between the pot and the kettle is one is an alcoholic and one is not. And make no mistake, there is a difference. That's why they call us earthlings.

I hope the tattoo isn't something you regret. If this was a learning and healing experience for you then it's not so bad. Be kind, be gentle and most of all love yourself as who you are, warts and all.

Peace,
Jen

Tuffgirl

They didn't have a smiley mowing with a drink it its hand, I'm afraid!

BobbyJ, I just love your posts. They are so funny while being bittersweet at the same time. I hope you feel better today.

Alcohol always makes me emotional if I have more than two drinks at a time.

So yes - please share the tattoo...been tempted to get one after TC got hers in Thailand. What did you get that is so "not you"?

StarCat

Sometimes we try things merely to remind ourselves we don't like it.
Isn't that why so many times we'll break no contact? Until finally we get it, finally we realize that we really are done, and then nothing would ever get us to touch that hot stove again.
Learning who we are is a difficult journey, because we have lost track of ourselves. We surrendered our true selves in favor of chasing down an adult alcoholic. We'll take on the alcoholic's responsibilities, and abandon our own.
So we have to find ourselves again, as difficult as that may be sometimes, and in some ways perhaps that requires confronting the things that we really don't like, be it alcohol or our own failings. Whatever the shadow we're shining the light on, it's not the end of the world, we can change it into something better if we want to.

Alcohol is a big one. I've never been a drinker, but I decided I needed to determine if I didn't drink because I was afraid of alcohol, or because I just didn't like to drink. I knew I was afraid of liquor stores, but was I afraid of alcohol?
I did go to two of his other favorite liquor stores, and I discovered it wasn't so bad. I had to ask for the location of what I wanted, and I was embarrassed... Until I realized that of course I had to ask, why would I know where it was?
I also discovered that I love cooking with alcohol. My favorite pasta recipe involves white wine in the sauce, and I have a chocolate Kahlua cake recipe to die for (literally - I think I gain 5 pounds every time I bake it). I also learned that liquor stores really are okay, for what I use them for.
By the same token, I can't stand drinking it. I did my research, I picked out something that I would be the most likely to enjoy (ice wine cider), and it was certainly high quality enough - $25 for 750 mL of the stuff - but I didn't like it. I finished the glass, I put the remainder of the bottle back in the fridge, and I gave it to a friend because I didn't want it anymore. I wasn't afraid to have it in my house - it kinda made me feel very upper class to have it in my fridge, actually - but why keep something around that I never intend to use?
But I had to try it, for me, because I had to know my reasons. I wanted to check my motives.

Life is a learning experience. We do things we're glad we tried, we try things we can't wait to do again... And we also do things, sometimes over and over again, that we know we don't like, sometimes to see why, sometimes to remind ourselves why we don't like it, sometimes because we just can't stop ourselves this time around.
The issue is, now that it's a known issue, what will we do about it?



I will confess, I am curious about the tattoo as well.
I considered getting one... But I don't want one. It's not really my style.
If I were to get one, though, I think it would be a heart, on my ankle, as a reminder to me that no matter what happens in life, I still have me, and I am loved. I'm getting to the point, though, where I don't need that reminder.

GettingBy

Ah, you know... I've done it too (well except for the tattoo... You go girl!)... and I always wake up the next day full of regret and embarrassment. That morning after feeling is what keeps me from drinking more than one or two. I feel lucky that I can do that... And not end up on a week long bender.

I only do it when I'm out with my girlfriends though... Once a year, twice at most!! Couldn't ever have a few drinks with AH because I couldn't depend on him to stay sober and drive us home! I hate/hated being his damn DD. It was never my turn to cut loose... And we lived too far out in boonies to get a cab.

So... I am glad you had fun!!! You rock!

Alone22

The only thing I want to know too is what kind of tat did you get?

Your post was great! I chuckled as I read it. Sometimes throwing caution to the wind is good. I think in the long run you will see it as a positive....well maybe not the tat

Hugs!

BobbyJ

Well if everyone needs to know. I am not totally NOT a tat kind of girl.
But after this past weekend, I guess I am....LMAO

It wasnt the picture or the placement of the tat. Its just so NOT me to get one...
I tend to be kind of prudey at times. On the conservative side of life.
Not dead, just conservative...Well, I thought I was...

It hurt like heck, after I was done, the guy said I picked one of the most sensative
spots to get one....

Your dying to know, arent you? LOL

My toe! Yes, my little toe next to my big toe.
I got a cute pink flower, that looks like a toe ring.
It is my inspirational serenity ring.
It is my freedom of life flower.
It is the beginning of a whole new me.
I may look down, but I wont look back flower!
It is my happy flower!

I cant wait till the day, I get to dig my flower into the warm sands of Jamaica~

Sure hope they have cute cabana boys there!! LOL

There I told you, now is everyone happy? LOL

This feels like were playing Kiss & Tell...

GettingBy

That is a GREAT tattoo!!! And an awesome place to get one (though painful, I'm sure!!).

I would love to get a tattoo - but I'm too conservative/prudey... or so I thought! You're an inspiration BobbyJ! Thank you!!

OnMyWay11

That is a great idea for a tat! I love how you explain what it means to you.

About a month after I kicked XABF out I got a new one too as a reminder to be strong and find myself again. When I feel weak, I just look at it. I admit I was sober when I got it, but two weeks later I went out an really tied one on. I did stupid things and acted like an a$$ for the evening. Then it was done.

I hope you can sink your flower in warm sands of Jamaica soon

Alone22

I am conservative and prudey kind of too, but I have to say that is pretty dang cool! The only tat I have thought about getting is a pink breast cancer awareness ribbon to honor my mom who lost her battle 17 years ago. Hummm....maybe I will just go and get it done. Must determine where on my body and how big, and then get brave...lol.

wanttobehealthy

Love the tattoo BobbyJ... and love your explanation of it and your hope to dig that toe and tattoo into warm beach sand one day soon!

Alone22- go for it!

Tuffgirl

Little toe, pink flower, I love it!

Jazzman

A six pack of beer and you get a little tattoo on your toe? Better stay away from tequila, who knows how crazy you'll get! LOL!!!

BobbyJ

Jazzman...You are so right...lol...No worries not going there again..lol

I told my mom and she said, Well, (with a snickery voice) You spent that kind of money on yourself for something you only get to show off for 3 months out of the year??

I replied: "Well, it only cost $30 for the rest of my life, and I think Im worth that!"

End of conversation!...Gotta love those mom's!

dollydo

Darn...I thought I had it...no beer bottle tat! Must admit...I like the flower idea better!

Alone22

BobbyJ you are really making me think long and hard on getting one. I found one on line I really liked. I'm just stuck on where to put it....lol Leaning towards the back of my right shoulder, back of my right hip or on the front of my right hip. Need to put fear aside...lol