confused44

I'm at my breaking point. I can't cry anymore. It hurts me even more that I am the one who sits at home because my life is dysfunctional however, the people who cause the dysfunction go on with their normal activities with no concern for anyone else. I just don't get it. My father drank on Tuesday, today is Monday. Yes, 6 days is great, however, it doesn't make things go back to normal. How can I get my mom to see that. My father called me on Thursday (only because my mom told him to) and I never called him back. I don't owe him a phone call back. Let him sit at home and wonder why his children aren't calling him back, like I sit at home wondering why he hasn't called me to see how I'm feeling. (I'm pregnant with severe complications). Then my mom called me yesterday and asked if I wanted to go walking. So we went walking. I tried to talk to her about her issues and not my fathers. But she just kept saying "I know". But she doesn't know. I talked to her about being an enabler and that my boundaries with my father cannot be enforced if she is going to continue to negate them. She said she understood. I told her that I am going to tell him that if he continues to drink he will not be permitted to see his grandchild. She said, good, I hope that gets him to stop drinking. But I know that won't because my sister said the same thing to him with her 2 kids..But my mom is in a fantasy world. I told her that when I tell him that, she cannot keep the fact that he is drinking from me nor bring him over to my house if she knows he was drinking. I told her I would not allow either of them to see thier grandchild. I think she thinks that I am not serious. Today, was just the icing on the cake. She told me that she would come over, help me with a few things then take me to my doctor's appt. Well, instead, she said she has to pick up my father at his outpatient program at 1. I got mad because I know what she was going to do. She was not going to tell me she was picking him up then she was just going to come here and not tell me he was with her. I'm not stupid. I know how she works. She is the classic "Makes excuses, and does anything possible not to make the alcoholic mad". I called her and told her forget it. I'll find a ride to my appointment. She's like can you call your father please, I know he is upset that you haven't called him back. I said, see. You didn't listen to one word I said. Why do YOU want me to call him back?????What satisfaction will that give you? She said, well, he's upset. OK. So, let him sit there and think of the things he can do to help develop his relationship with me. I'm not running to him. I've done it too many times. In a way, she frustrates me more than he does. I don't know what to do anymore. This is not what happiness is supposed to feel like.

suki44883

All of this stress is not good for your pregnancy. You can't change them. They are the way they are. Stop trying to make them be something they are not. Take care of yourself and go no contact with them for a while. Maybe permanently.

dollydo

Hon, this is not good for you.

No matter what you say to your mother, be assured, it is not going to change a thing. The bottom line is that he is her priorty, she is weak and very codependent, and, will say anything to make peace. She is sick, perhaps even sicker than your father.

Please understand that as long as you continue to be involved in their toxic life you will never find any true peace and happiness.

The last time I went no contact with my mother it was for 10 years, and, the most happy, peaceful time of my adult life.

Your first rersponsibility is to your family. You do not have the power to change your mothers decision to enable and continue to stay with your father, all you have the power to do.....is...let go....and go forward with your life.

chicory

I agree that this is not good for you. You need to be relaxing, resting up, and making sure to do all you can to keep the pregnancy going as smoothly as possible.

Good for you, in putting up boundaries that are healthy for you, and your baby. Going no contact with an active drinker father is totally reasonable. good for you and try to think of it as doing something very positive. tho it may not seem like it, when you have to turn them away. it may be the only thing that gets through their denial. and if it doesn't, it still will give you the peace you need and deserve.

they are your parents, and not your responsibility. you do not have to fix anything, and you cant anyway. just take care of you. let them see that you will not help them to pretend all is well, and that you do not want this in your life.

it is hard, when it is your parents. but thank goodness , they have each other. let them take care of themselves. they are adults, and wont change unless they see why they should, and maybe not even then. dont waste your precious life, and this precious special time, dear one. this is NOT your responsibility.

stick around, you will find a lot of folks with lots of experience in this sort of thing. it is a wonderful site.

hugs
chicory