Happiness Fairy

Well, it is official. I filed for divorce the last week of June after 4 1/2 years of marriage. It has truly been a roller-coaster ride of emotions. I can't believe that I STILL am feeling a million different emotions. When will this craziness "level out"?

The final straw for me was the weekend prior to filing. I had met with an attorney in March to file and ended up putting the proceedings on hold. AH promised that he wanted to change, admitted he had a problem, and promised to look into rehab options. So, I said that I would be willing to put things on hold and wrote down my boundaries for this "trial" period. As I'm sure none of you are surprised, things went amazingly for about 1 1/2 months. Then I started to see signs. The old anxiety started to creep back in and I started to see him withdraw again from our kids (10,2,1). For that short period of time I felt like I actually had a 50/50 partner in our marriage; he helped with the little ones (never had since I became pregnant in 2008), dinners, cleaning, even laundry. I was able to meet with friends, go to the gym, shopping, whatever without having to bring a kid or receiving a million phone calls the minute I left. But, like I said, it was short-lived. In early June, after a weekend with his side of the family, we had a conversation about how great he felt with his sobriety and how clear he saw the affects of it he was able to look from the outside in w/ his family (they all like to party). When I look back, that was the weekend it all changed. The last weekend in June was like a nightmare. It was all back to the old ways and then some. He was so mean, so drunk, swearing at me and calling me names in front of the kids. It was so bad I was scared he was going to actually harm me. That monday morning I emailed my attorney to proceed and he was served that night.

OMG - that was the WORST week of my life. He was yelling, screaming, stomping around. Woke the kids in the middle of the night. Moved to his mom's but would barge in at any time saying he "needed something". During the time between I filed and he moved out up until I got back from vacation on August 1st. He never saw the kids!!!!! We had our temporary hearing two days prior to me leaving and guess what - he was "temporarily awarded" 50/50 placement! His attorney actually said that I refused to let him see the kids! I even had a documented journal of every single day. Guess it didn't matter because the Commissioner discussed how important it is for the children to "bond" with each parent and this was his decision. We are now headed for mediation. Of course I was about to puke after hearing this. I was totally shell-shocked!

So, the craziest thing now is that something happened while I was gone with kids on vacation. I came back to the nicest most accommodating man ever. He's like the man I first met 7 years ago! WTF????? Is he totally messing with my head? Is he actually getting his crap together? I have no idea if he is still drinking. I really don't want to know to be honest. Now he wants to "discuss" issues rationally and civilly. Why has that never happened before? It almost feels like he is working me to avoid mediation or guardian ad litem. What do I do? Trusting him feels like the natural thing to do but also the stupidest thing to do. I know there are many of you have went through this. What did you do? The craziness just continues in a different way.

Carol Star

Watch his actions not what he says. It could be sincere but it could be a manpulation to hook you. My XAH used lots of hooks to try to manipulate me from leaving; kindness, sex, the half/wild cat that he knew I loved that lived outside the house I left from X. Keep your focus on the safety of your kids and your recovery. The Beattie/Lundy books are great. My therapist said to tell my H he needed to do 90 meetings in 90 days or I would go through the seperation/divorce. He did not embrace recovery. I went through it and now 4 yrs. later I see I had no other recourse. My X needed me to drive him. He had lost his liscence/and very good job. I felt used. My gut knew I would not be happy if I stayed. I loved the person he had the capacity to be -NOT who he actually was. He was a selfish,abusive, (sick) drunk.

Happiness Fairy

Thanks for your thoughts and feedback Carol.

I have read the Lundy book from cover to cover. Actually I'm on round 3! It's what really opened my eyes to more than just alcoholism. Reading that book answered so many questions that I just couldn't put my finger on. I started to realize that even when we took alcohol out of the equation he still remained a controlling and manipulative person. And, oftentimes, just flat-out mean. I just really didn't want my son to grow up thinking that is how you treat women or my girls to grow thinking that it's ok to be treated that way be a man. It's just so hard; the dream is gone.

I hope all is well with you!

Freedom1990

All I can say is be the best role model that you can for your children, and watch his actions. Like Carol, I think it could be manipulation.

I'm sorry for the mess he has put you through!

Sending hugs of support!