story74

My cocaine addict husband left (abandoned) me and my 3 year old in May. everything happened very quickly. I found out about his habit and his other woman (who he is now living with) we have talked on the phone 1 time since may. During that conversation he told me that he was so angry with me for giving him an ultimatum...I said rehab or leave. He left. He was angry at me because I had told friends. I told friends bc I thought the could help. In fact, by telling our friends I found out that he lied to his one friend and asked him to wire him 300 dollars bc his car broke down. These are friends that we have known for at least 16 years. Being angry myself I have scolded, named called and begged him to get help. Now, reading all the info on his site about how to talk to a drug addict I feel like I did everything wrong. And that if I would have said all the right things he would be with his family now getting help and not in the arms of some enabling who're. This who're tells me he is madly in love with her and is now clean. And that they are both happy. And here I am raising my son all by myself. He has abandoned us financially and emotionally. He has seen his son 2 times since may. He calls randomly to speak to him. Defaulted on the divorce petition.
If I said all the right things would he still be with us?

wellnowwhat

Your 3 year old doesn't need a cocaine addict in the home, and neither do you.

You were acting to protect your child and yourself, and that can never be wrong.

Don't second guess what might have been. He's an addict, he chose the drugs, and he's found someone who is ok with that.

Start to plan what you want in this life for you and your child, and start taking steps, however small, to that goal.

Be gentle with yourself. You did ok.

dollydo

It doesn't make a bit of difference, if he is going to use, he is going to use. Nothing you say or do will stop him.

Your focus now must be your child. He has deserted you and your child, go to your attorney get the divorce straightened out and get some support for your child.

I wouldn't believe a word he says, addicts lie.

kmangel

Your husband's actions speak louder than words. Does he look like he's clean and sober by ignoring your son? He hasn't made much effort to see his son since he left. If he was of a sound mind now, I think he would be at least be more inclined to want to do right by your son.

Kindeyes

Welcome to SR......but I'm sorry for the reasons that bring you here.

This is a question we all ask ourselves at some point.

The answer is........it doesn't matter.

Why doesn't it matter? Because we can't change the past. So we can either agonize over it or we can understand that we did the very best we knew how to do at the time and continue to learn to do better.

You have a child. Your protected yourself and your child. Those WERE the right things to do. You did that on instinct and that's ok. But now you have the opportunity to continue to learn so that you can handle today and tomorrow in a healthy manner for your child and yourself.

Your husband is making his choices and they are painful choices. He is not doing it to you, at you, because of you. He's a drug addict. And this is what drug addicts do.

So....what can you do? Begin taking care of yourself. Educate yourself. Read. Seek counseling with a therapist who understands drug addiction. Go to Naranon or Alanon meetings. Read the stickies on this forum (posts at the top of the forum that are there permanently--great information). Pick up the book "CoDependent No More" by Melody Beattie.

If you begin doing all of these things, you can start to feel better. And you won't have time to worry about the ex. It won't happen overnight but it will begin to happen slowly. We are very big on self care around here. Take care of you.

gentle hugs
ke

whyme123

Story - thank you for sharing and your encouraging words on my post! I'm so sorry that we are both in the same boat. The awesome people on SR, significant others addiction therapy, reading, and friends have helped me and continue to help me through this. I hope you have a good support system, please feel free to send me a message for support too!

You acted the way you needed to act at the moment you felt those feelings. Don't ever regret your reaction. What were you supposed to do when you find out about your husbands drug addiction - rub his feet and tell him it would be ok? I flipped out, name called, bleached every piece of clothes he owned - not justifying the clothes part but I also can't change it..what is done, is done. Ok right now he's blaming his leaving for the ultimatum, if it wasn't that then what would he come up with to make it your fault and not his. If he really wanted to stay, he'd be home - you didn't do this. HE DID THIS!

As for the who're situation -- they are not happy. She's going to paint a rosy picture because she's threatened by you because somewhere she has to know that their relationship isn't really there. I'm sure she's not that much of a woman if she accepts him using and doesn't promote his relationship with his son. One of my girlfriends said it best - I feel sorry for her because he actually tried to be the best he could be for you and she's just getting him now as-is.

As for his state of mind - kmangel says it best...really try to understand those words. Would a healthy person pick up and abandon their family - no - but a active addict would.

Stay strong!!

outtolunch

Your question suggests that you somehow feel responsible for his choices and behaviors. Absolutely nothing could be further from the truth.

Perhaps a better question might be, why you would want an emotionally and financially immature louse like this in your life and the life of your child?

Get the court order for child support/wage garnishment.