Brokenfields

Hi there,

I am in a relationship with a 25yo girl, we have been together for around a year now and lived together ever since she moved here.

We first got in contact over facebook through a friend and started chatting, just emails at first but then it progressed to daily posts and then chatting on messenger to all hours of the morning. She then flew down to visit me a few months later and we established a strong connection. She told me that she was a recovering addict and about her past and troubles.

But seemed so strong... (at that point she had been sober almost a year) so seemed to be doing fine. After some time she ended up moving to live with me here in Oz on a one year visa.

Over this year... i have dealt with a few of her relapses. When she drinks, i become the devil... and she becomes a different person and that different person does not like me. I become the enemy. She has never hurt me, is more inclined to hurt herself. But i find her scary and un controllable when like that... she tends to knock things over and throws things around. I have managed to some how calm her down and just deal with her in a state until she becomes sober (praying that she passes out) which she rarely does.

When she finally rests she will wake up the next day with so much remorse and guilt.. and is back to her old beautiful self... trying to do everything in her power to make everything right again..... going to more meetings, talking to her sponsor... etc etc...

I kind of came to terms with it.. in the fact that a few horrible hours was worth the length of sobriety that would come after it... as she would scare herself and want to stay sober....

But the urge slowly comes back... and then she thinks she has done an amazing job, and thinks she deserves a reward for her effort... so picks up.

this is happened maybe three times this year, but the good always out weighed the bad.

Until recently... She was telling me she was getting urges again... and i actually gave her the option to drink with me... in a monitored environment to get it out of her system and get her back to sobriety. she said no.

The next night she comes home wasted and wakes me up at 3am smashing stuff all around our room... i woke up suddenly and screamed at her to turn on the light... she told me that she was lost and looking for her glass of cider.. (which didn't exist) accusing me of stealing it or moving it. She then left the room and came back a few mins later screaming that i was horrible and that she was sleeping in the lounge/ripping the doona and pillows off the bed and throwing them across the room. saying that i would be lucky if she was here in the morning. To cut a long story short. I was laying in bed still and my phone beeps.... it's a msg from here to my phone but not mean't for me... she was so stupid as to not send it to the right person... saying: Natt (meaning me) has just f***ed me over! where are you?" with this i got up and went and tried to ask her who it was too... she just got agro and i ended dealing with this all night.

After a couple of hours sleep i wake up and get ready for uni... ANGRY i was... so i just left without saying goodbye.

Then that night she didn't come home... her phone was off and she was gone for 3 whole days with no word.... i had no idea if she was even going to come back.

On the wednesday night she ended up crawling back home... clothes a skew.... eyes rolling back in her head, smelling of crap and screaming that she was dying...

She was so out of it.. and even though i wanted to boot her out the door... i nursed her back to stability... when i could get anything out of her... i found out that she had slept in someone elses bed for three nights and potentially cheated.

Now she is back to normal and telling me that she didn't and that she is sorry and that she loves me... but i just don't seem to really believe anything she says. All my friends are telling me that i deserve better... But she has always been there for me in times of need, like when i was in hospital a few months back with pneumonia... she sat by my side from morning till night.

I am pretty strong minded and can deal with the things that come along with being with an addict... and i am starting to understand how she works... But has she gone to far? if i stay with her... does that mean she will just do worse? i need some help... am i push-over if i stay? or should i get out and try move on. I am still very much in love with her though.

please help.

Justfor1

She sounds out of control and possibly dangerous while under the influence. Throwing things around while boozed up isn't good for your mental health. If she slept in someone elses bed for 3 nights she may not even remember if she cheated or not. She is probably in a blackout when she goes on these benders.

fedup3

This is just my advise, MOVE ON, wish her the best and tell her to leave. If you are a push over let it be to someone who respects you and wants the best for you as you do for them!

Fandy

also, if she's sleeping with someone else while in her"state", she is most likely not practicing SAFE SEX. this could mean anything from STDs to HIV. I wouldn't believe a word she says.

I'm with your friends, I think she has more than alcohol problems, i think she may be potentially dangerous both to you and herself. 3-4 times a year???? it can and probably will escalate. she just disappeared for 3 days! (doesn't that mean 6times a year now)?

I would ask her to leave your house, change the locks and if you want to maintain a relationship with her, set some boundries to protect yourself. You might start with both of you getting tested regarding her sleeping around.

wellnowwhat

This person who thinks you are the enemy is going to be around more frequently and for longer periods.

She needs some time to work on her sobriety and recovery (two different things), and you need some time to work on you.

You are 25 and this has been a big year for you as far as life experiences go. Be grateful for the lesson, but move on.

Read about alcoholism and dependency, from afar. No need to live it anymore.

Freedom1990

My EXAH was also a dangerous and violent drunk who slept around. I spent 5 years living in that hell, and finally walked away. It was one of the best decisions I ever made.

He ended up contracting HIV from another woman while I was in rehab, and it's only by God's grace that I never went home. I had no idea he had HIV until he called me many years later to ask if I had ever been tested as he was by then in the clinical stages of AIDS.

That's an STD that is forever, my friend. My EXAH died a few years ago at the age of 47 from complications due to AIDS.

How long do you want to play Russian roulette with your life?

I hope you continue to post, and know that you are among friends.

Spawn

Addicts should not drink!
Addicts shouldn't even be around alcohol.
She is in flow blown relapse mode right now and she will say anything.
Addiction is a complicated beast and if you have no experience in this area you
will only get dragged down with it.

My personal opinion is kick her out....
learn from your mistakes and move on.

You can't save her. Only she can help herself.

Sorry if this sounds harsh.

MTSlideAddict

My personal advice would be to move on. It is difficult living with an addict, and it will most likely escalate. I have been living with my alcoholic husband, and it started with being intoxicated years ago to the most recent suicide attempt. It is tough emotionally, physically, and financially for both the addict, and the non-addict living with the active user. My husband too seems like a completely different person when drunk, to where he has thrown stuff and became verbally abusive. He has struggled with his addiction, and his longest length of sobriety was eight months. He, after the suicide attempt, is now undergoing an outpatient rehab to help stay sober.

I have learned through research and support groups that it is necessary to take care of yourself, and to let the addict own their addiction. I would advise you to attend Al-anon meetings to learn to deal with the emotional turmoil, and to gain the skills necessary to protect your mental health, as well as, to not become codependent or an enabler. If you do decide to move on, Al-anon will be great to help you cope with the loss of her.

Brokenfields

Sorry.. i should have mentioned also that we are a gay female couple... but thats not to say that she still may not carry diseases.... she swears she didn't cheat... and when she is normal she is so so so beautiful. it crazy the extent of the change.

I am too strong minded to be co-dependent.. i have thought about that... but i am starting to think even i am crazy.. for thinking i am strong minded enough to take on this battle.

sigh

Fandy

it doesn't matter if you are gay or straight, she's still abusive and violent. She's still practicing addictive behavior and making you ill. Try to think clearly, would YOU treat anyone this way? She's taking advantage of you and using your house like a hotel. To me it sounds as if she's walking all over you.

only you can remove yourself from this stressful situation.

NotSoSmart

No one is too "strong minded" to be codependent or an enabler. A lot of the times we do it w/o realizing it.

When my partner and I first started dating, she was able to hold herself together. But once people live together, they let their hair down... and my AGF's "hair" is alcohol and pill addiction. I agree with Anvil.. what you see is what you get. Anyone can tell you anything (and addicts are notoriously good liars), and who comes out and says "yes, I am a raging alcoholic who becomes violent and unpredictable" on a first date? This is the flip side of who she is, and as her disease progresses, this is the side of her that will become more dominant unless she does something to stop it.

Al Anon would be a good place for you to start.. you can decide from there how you want to handle things. You can't love her into getting sober.

Brokenfields

Thanks for that... i am totally capable of getting out if i want to.. i have left many relationships before and i am not trying to make excuses and i am not getting walked all over. Because this is the first major thing that has happened and i am now choosing if i want to continue or part ways. But decided to come here first and see what some other like minds thought.

Can you tame the beast? Don't addicts deserved to be loved? she said to me last night... that she hope thats one day she finds someone that stays with her.. as everyone always leaves and gives up on her!? what things could i do to help her too... if she again agrees to help herself?

NotSoSmart

Everyone has left her b/c of her unacceptable behavior when drinking. She is projecting that outward that "nobody loves me", w/o looking at the impact of her behavior on relationships. Typical addict thinking.

Addicts are people with a disease, so of course they deserve to be loved. But that doesn't give them free reign to ruin someone else's life, be abusive or violent. It sounds like she is throwing a major guilt/manipulation trip to keep you around.

Regardless if she decides to get help you need to. You're not going to fix her. You can't tame the beast. Its not your beast to tame, its hers. The "3 C's": you didn't cause it, you can't cure it, and you can't control it.

Freedom1990

There are plenty of qualified professionals to help her, and countless addicts/alcoholics in recovery who would welcome her with open arms in the rooms of recovery.

I have a 33-year-old daughter in active addiction, and I am the last person to be able to help her.

She grew up around the rooms of recovery (I am a long-term recovering addict/alkie) so she knows what and where the help is.

She chooses not to engage in any form of recovery. She has that right.

My contact with her is very limited because I no longer take a front row seat to her insanity.

I sleep well at night knowing I have placed her in God's loving hands.

wellnowwhat

as everyone always leaves and gives up on her!?

We call this quacking. She's setting you up to think you are different, you are the one who can stick with her like it's some noble cause. Alcoholics are terrific at saying "poor me" while they walk all over you.

She can get help, but not from you. And she is capable of getting it herself.

Take care of yourself. Don't get lost in the big, tall shadow of her disease.

wister

I have to reiterate the words of so many before me that leaving now is best for you and may even be part of the catalyst as a bottom that your alcoholic so desperately needs.

Brokenfields

She paid to fly her self here........ She has a job and works hard.... but if she did again what she has done the last few days... there is no doubt in my mind she would lose it. It's just so black and white... When she is sober she is the most highly driven, passionate, amazing, beautiful person, lover and friend to all. But when on the flip... it is a nasty piece of work. Its more like split personality disorder to me... or is that a part of the disease?

She only has till November here in the counrty.. then she has to move on anyway.. we were going to stay together and try long distance and then maybe i would move too.. But at the point i didn't understand the extent of what an addict can do to a loved one.. and the one they are mean't to love the most.. Can i even believe her when she says she loves me?

So should i just stick out the last few months and hope that it is more good times then bad.??? then just let her be taking into the hands of travel...

Someone was saying about something you can inject your partner with every day...... that makes them violiently ill if they drink alcohol? is this true. or a myth?

thankyou so much everything. For helping me out.

Love and light.

Spawn

Your being played.

Spawn

Your grasping at straws.
Why are you finding hard to let go?
Don't you think you deserve better?

Justfor1

Broken, yeah antabuse will make a person who is drinking alcohol very sick. It is very dangerous and not something to do to someone.