MaryGoRound

I am really really itching to contact today.
I feel really guilty for opening the door again. Because I slammed it shut again and I know without a doubt that this has prolly been stressful for him too.
I feel like an ******* because I leave everytime, exactly what he fears.

I know, I know...it's all about him.
But crap, I feel like this is all still unresolved.
I guess it always will be....two people who really care about each other but one doesn't accept the others way of life. Period.

I guess I have to think about this as okay "Mary"
Ur really panicking because part of you needs to be certain that this man is the one and this is the plan for life. You have someone set for life (I.e someone that NEEDS you)

I just can't fathom how we can be so sweet together sometimes and not be it. I guess it happens in all relationships...
I keep thinking about how Oprah supposedly was obsessed with a man and actually smoked crack with him just because she was THAT addicted....

I keep thinking about how he tells me I make him so happy da da da and this and that and how he has missed me this past year and truly believes having a kid (lol... So sad it's funny) would be the key to keeping him sober.

And I know it makes him really sad when we dont talk, it makes me sad. He's my friend. I guess ultimately the drugs come first so I shouldnt feel guilty.

Maybe in the past I just wasnt aware of the guilt because I just really couldn't think of loosing him. I know it'll be easy for me to find someone, but
I dont want him to die alone :/

And Im sure contacting to "clear things up"
Will just prolong the inevitable - he's not clean, not ready ... And therefore, not someone I need.

But ugh I will sincerely miss him. I have to keep telling myself that the last thing I said to him was that I really care, can't watch him like this and if he ever needs a ride to rehab to call me no matter how long that is
From now. He knows I care...

But I still feel so guilty now. Because he always days there's about three people in his life that really make a difference. One being me.

And everyone in my life really gets upset when I
Talk to him now, that's the part that stresses me the most I think...
I just refuse to believe people are entirely "bad".

One of my friends was like "let me put it this way...would u date a prostitute? You deserve more"
To which i said " no, but who's goin to love her? Everyone deserves love!"

And that's where I am at.
I feel like I got rid of my dog just because he has a limp.

Any thoughts? Thanks for reading.
Hope everyone is hanging in there.
I don't think I've Ever felt so guilty. ESP since it seemed like he was trying hard ( I know it's gotta be walk the walk)

Whew. Feel better

suki44883

The dog can't help the fact that he has a limp. A man can get help for his alcoholism if he really wants recovery. He hasn't, which means he doesn't.

No point in feeling guilty that he hasn't changed and the reasons you are leaving again are the same reasons you left before.

See how easy it is to bring all those feelings to the forefront again with just one bit of contact? You were doing so much better for a year, but one day can set you back a whole year. Is it worth it?

nerdygirl

He is your drug. You expect him to kick his habit but you have yet to kick yours. He is an adult and should be able to take care of himself. It's not YOUR job to do that. You can care for him, think positive thoughts, and support him from AFAR. You don't need to see him to be supportive. Positive energy is positive energy. Good luck. I've been there so I know how difficult it is... Sometimes, the best thing you can do for the person is walk away.

MaryGoRound

Thanks suki

You're so right..I've missed all of you guys!
Lol I guess that's one positive- I get to reconnect to everyones
Valuable insight on here...

I wish I didn't do this to myself and so many ways.
I never really understood just how much our Codie thing is JUST like
Their using.

I swear to you...I relapsed and now I am fiening
Hardcore. Frik.
In anvils post to my other thread... I know this is a diversion
Thing too...and I know physically it revs me up ya no. The whole addcited to drama (embarrassing!) thing.

But I know it's because growing up, that was all I knew...
Somehow things feel uncomfortable without a crisis...

I'm like just one more hit...just one more...
Bargaining with God. Obsessing. Denial. The works.

I did okay with the first conversation. It was seeing him that Really put me in a tailspin. Which is why the there's no such thing as "I'll just have one"

Ahh damn!

MaryGoRound

Haha yes, yes...

Well thanks for that reminder. I can definitely find comfort in sending good vibes from afar...

Still feel guilty/ really stupid for contacting.
I was just about to type ..." I know he's upset"
But who the hell cares?!
God this is PATHETIC !!!!! Gotta be an adult myself and suck it up.
One thing that bothers me is still after all of this ...
I cant figure out what this means spiritually, ya no?

Obviously I'm learning , i get that... but that just seems so minuscule compared to the magnitude of this disaster called being physcologocally dependent

artist83

Mary,

You sound a lot like me, or what I went through in my last serious relationship. I spent 6 years with someone who hurt me (emotionally), stole from me to feed his addiction (cocaine & gambling), and I wonder why I went through it all? Was it because I loved him?

At the time I really believed that I could not live without him, but the truth is that I felt sorry for him because he had no one. I felt guilty for even thinking about leaving him, giving up on him, so I stayed, and staying with someone who I had fell out of love with was horrible for me. I knew that his addiction and his hurtful, manipulative actions had done so much harm to me that I could never feel the same way about him again. But I still stayed.

I finally realized that the reason I had remained in the relationship for so long was not only because I felt sorry for him, guilty for leaving him, but because I WAS AFRAID TO BE ALONE. I had invested so much of myself into trying to help him, trying to fix him, trying to save him, that I forgot how to live. I was terrified of never "finding" someone else, living alone and miserable for the rest of my life while all of my friends went on with their happy relationships. I thought that if I left him, I would be left in the dust. Who would take care of me? How would I survive without him in my life?

And one day, I had enough. I had gone from loving him to hating him. I despised him. I couldn't even look at him without wanting to punch him or throw up. He disgusted me. And it took those feeling to finally make me realize that I'd rather be alone than in a relationship with someone who only cared about himself, someone who would never change for me, or for himself. So I told him to get out and I got a restraining order. I never looked back, and to this day, I still do not forgive him for what he did to me while we were together. I lost 6 years of my life trying to save someone who didn't appreciate me, didn't care about me whatsoever, and I'll never get those years back.

The only thing I could do was leave the past in the past and move on. I started my life over again and learned how to be alone. And eventually, being alone wasn't so bad. I went out with my friends, met new people, and started living again. It felt wonderful! I finally felt like a person again, I had found myself again, and I made a promise to myself that I would never lose myself again. Nothing is worth giving up your life, your happiness, yourself.

Now my boyfriend, who I love with all of my heart, is addicted to oxycontin. He took care of my when my heart failed last year, picked me up off the floor when I couldn't walk, held me up in the shower when I was too weak to stand, stayed up all hours of the night when I couldn't sleep. In a way, I feel like I owe him - he was there for me when I needed him and I won't just abandon him when he needs me just as much. But instead of trying to change him, save him, I'm simply supporting him WHEN he chooses to get help and recover. I love him more than anything, but I will NOT lose myself in his addiction. He CHOSE to take care of me, and I too have a choice. I do chose to support him throughout his RECOVERY, but I will not feel guilty about taking care of myself, putting my own health and happiness before anything else.

I don't know if this helped at all, but I guess what I'm trying to say is that it is okay for you to support someone who wants to recover, who is trying to change. But you cannot allow yourself to remain in a relationship because you feel GUILTY. And try not to think about "finding someone else". Understand that it's okay to be alone sometimes, everyone has got to be comfortable by herself. And when you have finally let go of the guilt and learned how to be alone, you will have a different perspective on life. Trust me, I've been there, and letting go of HIM and his ADDICTION was the best decision I have ever made.

If you ever need to talk, send me a PM anytime.

Good luck

nerdygirl

No point in feeling stupid. What's done is done. I try not to view my actions as mistakes but rather a "learning experience". Did you learn a lesson? Of course you did! Stay away from him. It makes you feel lousy. Instead of worrying about how HE feels, worry about how YOU feel. You deserve to be happy. You deserve to have someone recognize and appreciate your worth. He's not doing that. You know this. But, the need to analyze and find out why is a driving force, isn't it? My answer to this - LET IT GO. There are some questions you'll never learn the answer to. And, that's okay.

Freedom1990

That's classic addict manipulation, my dear.

There are countless professionals and thousands upon thousands of addicts in recovery to be there "for him". He just chooses not to go that route.

Insanity=repeating the same thing over and over and expecting different results.

Let go of the guilt, toss it back on his side of the fence.

Put your big girl panties on and think of something nice to do for yourself, okay?

MaryGoRound

Hahah I am enjoying everyones input! It's really nice to hear from y'all. I guess that's one positive!

I typed out something lobger but it got all screwy so I'll post more later.

Just got off work. Very tired. Thank god for this site I swear...
I would have already been texting away and sweating bullets for the response.

Ya no what really bothered me the most?
Is when he'd ignore me or disappear... It drove me crazy. I still panic when I don't hear from someone I have feelings for in awhile. It triggers unsettling feelings.

Anyone experience that? I'm sure it's an abandonment issue type thing too, but it's like are u dead or alive?!!!!

Anyway I'm just rambling. I have more for later.
Thanks guys