fedup22

Hi,

I posted my first post in the ACOA forum, but basically I finally confronted my father about his alcohol addiction and that I would like to have alcohol free gatherings with him. He knows that my lingering anxieties are due to the way I grew up with him always drunk and partying, and now also because I keep in touch with his new wife and she tells me if he's making progress or not. He knows to be on his best behavior around me, but even then, he has to at least have some beers. Now that I have confronted him and told him I only want to be around him if there is not alcohol involved, he has started acting very ugly and mean to his wife. I know it's the typical blame game; he wrote her an email telling her she loaded me with enough ammunition to speak to me as if he was my child (that's basically been happening since I was 6...) and "THANKS, I HOPE YOU ARE HAPPY." Then she told me that last night he called her a backstabber and told her she ruined our relationship (all because she told me he still drinks every day, etc. The truth)

The problem is that I think she has low self-esteem and she lets him manipulate her. She told me she tried to be sweet to him, sit on his lap and kiss him and he pushed her away. My initial reaction was, "Why the heck would you suck up to him as if you need to make anything up to him?" I feel like the attention I'm finally putting on his problem is going to be voided out as long as others aren't holding him responsible for his actions. I suggested to her that it's time for some tough love and by sucking up to him, it makes him think that he has the power to accept or reject it and he's the one who is "owed" something when that couldn't be farther from the truth. Can anyone else think of any other suggestions I could tell her to help her stand strong and not give into his blame game and manipulations? Does anyone have any links I could send her that outlines, specifically, this dynamic and what to do?

THANKS!

smacked

You might mention some local alanon meetings.. I bet she'd benefit greatly from them if she's open to it. I bet they'd help you as well.

Welcome!

Freedom1990

I agree with smacked...Alanon could be a tremendous resource for you and her both. Perhaps you could attend a meeting together.

wywriter

At first, I identified with your AF's wife, because that's the position I've personally been in -- I have a 17-year-old stepson, and have had similar episodes. Then it kind of triggered something else, something from my first marriage -- my husband used to tell me that he didn't like me going to visit my hometown, because he felt my family and friends would talk me into never coming back. I was very offended that he thought that I was so weak-minded that I would bend to the wills of other people in my life if it went against my own. Now I realize he was just afraid that his manipulative hold on me would loosen if I had more exposure to my support system.

The way I would relate this is that you also have a mind of your own, and your opinion of your dad isn't going to change regardless of what someone else says about him. I don't know if a statement to that effect would ever get through the denial, but you knew he was an alcoholic long before she came into his life. I don't know if there's a way for you to help her or not, though I agree that suggesting Alanon to her may be a step in the right direction. I also think that when you talk to your dad about alcohol, it's probably a good idea to try to leave her out of the conversation entirely -- it doesn't matter how you know, it only matters that you do and what you feel about it. Figure out what boundaries with your father will allow you to be healthy, and don't let him cross them.

For what it's worth, his wife sounds like she's in a similar place I was about a year and a half ago -- I thought that if I could find something that would please him, or was as easy-going and amiable as I could be, that AH's anger and the effects of his alcoholism wouldn't fall on me. I hope that she comes to the realization that she can live a much happier, healthier, more fulfilled life by serving her own health rather than trying to appease a diseased mind.