thank you aol
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Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 7
thank you aol
It all started with the computer. I know it sounds ridiculous, but it's true. When I was growing up we never had one. When I graduated from college, my then boyfriend's parents gave me one. Although it was my computer, the whole family used it. My mom first used AOL through my account. But then she loved it so much she paid for her very own account. She started visiting chat rooms and soon found one that became her "regular" one. I know a lot of people do this, and I don't have a problem with it in and of itself. However, every night when my mom was on the computer, she was also drinking. This was 12 years ago. It has gotten progressively worse as time has passed.
Now, don't get me wrong, my mom has always been a drinker. But not every night, and not to the extent it gets to now. She has started fights out in public, she has been kicked out of several music venues, she has caused major family fights. The last one was a week ago. My husband woke me up at four in the morning to tell me that my mom called. I asked what was wrong and he told me that she had been crying and she wanted one of us to come pick her up. I looked at him and said, "Was she drunk?" He said he didn't know and then I said, "She was drunk." I went back and forth over whether he should go get her or I should. I went back and forth over whether either of us should get her at all. Finally I told my husband to just go get her because I thought it might help to get her away from my dad. I called my dad to let him know that Andy was coming.
"The woman is crazy," he said to me, his voice hoarse from crying. He told me that he had heard her crying outside and went to go see what the problem was. He found her sitting on the steps of the deck, a broken glass shattered at her feet, her lip cut and bleeding. He assumed she had tripped and fell, breaking the glass and cutting her lip on it. He then told me that my mom was accusing him of hitting her and he swore he didn't do it.
Andy got back to our house with my mom and she was stumbling around drunk. She sat down on the couch as I sat at the desk, playing on the computer. She started rubbing my arm and crying to me, holding an ice pack with her other hand on her lip. She then proceeded to tell me that my dad had hit her and busted her lip. I looked at her and asked her exactly what happened. What was said, what had provoked him to do it. She told me that she didn't know why he did it, she couldn't remember. I was a little torn. It's hard for me to believe anything the woman says when she's drunk. At the same time, I know what it's like to have her drunk and screaming in your face and how annoying it is. I'm ashamed to admit it, but I've hit her myself in that situation. I'm also ashamed to say that I wasn't just talking to her that night, I was yelling. I started fighting with her. It wasn't awful, but it was bad enough for her to get upset and ask Andy to drive her home. I told her that I didn't know if I believed her and then I said, "Does it really matter? You're not going to remember any of this tomorrow anyway." That's when she called me mean and decided to leave.
It's been a week and I haven't talked to her. I know that I have the option to reach out to her, to apolotgize and try to make things better between us. But something is making me wait for her. I asked Andy to email my mom the day after it happened, just to feel her out. She responded to him, saying that she apologized to my dad and then she apologized to andy and myself. I thought everything was ok. Two days later my sister told me that my parents still weren't talking. And a week later she still won't talk to me.
What am I supposed to do?
Now, don't get me wrong, my mom has always been a drinker. But not every night, and not to the extent it gets to now. She has started fights out in public, she has been kicked out of several music venues, she has caused major family fights. The last one was a week ago. My husband woke me up at four in the morning to tell me that my mom called. I asked what was wrong and he told me that she had been crying and she wanted one of us to come pick her up. I looked at him and said, "Was she drunk?" He said he didn't know and then I said, "She was drunk." I went back and forth over whether he should go get her or I should. I went back and forth over whether either of us should get her at all. Finally I told my husband to just go get her because I thought it might help to get her away from my dad. I called my dad to let him know that Andy was coming.
"The woman is crazy," he said to me, his voice hoarse from crying. He told me that he had heard her crying outside and went to go see what the problem was. He found her sitting on the steps of the deck, a broken glass shattered at her feet, her lip cut and bleeding. He assumed she had tripped and fell, breaking the glass and cutting her lip on it. He then told me that my mom was accusing him of hitting her and he swore he didn't do it.
Andy got back to our house with my mom and she was stumbling around drunk. She sat down on the couch as I sat at the desk, playing on the computer. She started rubbing my arm and crying to me, holding an ice pack with her other hand on her lip. She then proceeded to tell me that my dad had hit her and busted her lip. I looked at her and asked her exactly what happened. What was said, what had provoked him to do it. She told me that she didn't know why he did it, she couldn't remember. I was a little torn. It's hard for me to believe anything the woman says when she's drunk. At the same time, I know what it's like to have her drunk and screaming in your face and how annoying it is. I'm ashamed to admit it, but I've hit her myself in that situation. I'm also ashamed to say that I wasn't just talking to her that night, I was yelling. I started fighting with her. It wasn't awful, but it was bad enough for her to get upset and ask Andy to drive her home. I told her that I didn't know if I believed her and then I said, "Does it really matter? You're not going to remember any of this tomorrow anyway." That's when she called me mean and decided to leave.
It's been a week and I haven't talked to her. I know that I have the option to reach out to her, to apolotgize and try to make things better between us. But something is making me wait for her. I asked Andy to email my mom the day after it happened, just to feel her out. She responded to him, saying that she apologized to my dad and then she apologized to andy and myself. I thought everything was ok. Two days later my sister told me that my parents still weren't talking. And a week later she still won't talk to me.
What am I supposed to do?
Member
Join Date: Dec 2010
Posts: 33
Do you attend al-anon meetings, or similar services? If not, find a meeting. You did not cause her drinking, you can't control it. you can't cure it. What you can do, is get help for yourself. Having a mother with this disease is tough, frustrating, and emotionally draining. It not only effects your mother, but it effects you as well.
I am in a similar situation. I've always been such a mommy's girl, so it is incredibly difficult for me to be on the receiving end of her angry drunkenness. I guess she always has been an angry drunk, but her anger has always been directed towards someone else. Now it is my turn, and like an abused little puppy that wants nothing more than to make it's owner happy, I keep going back for more.
According to her I am mean, I have given up on her, and I am not the daughter she raised me to be (The list goes on and on about the horrible things I am in her eyes)
I think, I hope, I have reached my breaking point. I vowed not to have contact with her until, if ever, she goes through a rehab program, or starts attending meetings regularly. I simply can't be around her drunk anymore. I feel blessed that i am married, and living on my own while I deal with this, instead of a child or teenager that is dependent on her for food and shelter. I feel especially bad for her boyfriend that she lives with, because he can't get away from her. (if I were him, i would have kicked her out a long time ago)
Anyway, sorry i went off on a rant. In short, please find help for yourself. In the end, that is all you really can do.
I am in a similar situation. I've always been such a mommy's girl, so it is incredibly difficult for me to be on the receiving end of her angry drunkenness. I guess she always has been an angry drunk, but her anger has always been directed towards someone else. Now it is my turn, and like an abused little puppy that wants nothing more than to make it's owner happy, I keep going back for more.
According to her I am mean, I have given up on her, and I am not the daughter she raised me to be (The list goes on and on about the horrible things I am in her eyes)
I think, I hope, I have reached my breaking point. I vowed not to have contact with her until, if ever, she goes through a rehab program, or starts attending meetings regularly. I simply can't be around her drunk anymore. I feel blessed that i am married, and living on my own while I deal with this, instead of a child or teenager that is dependent on her for food and shelter. I feel especially bad for her boyfriend that she lives with, because he can't get away from her. (if I were him, i would have kicked her out a long time ago)
Anyway, sorry i went off on a rant. In short, please find help for yourself. In the end, that is all you really can do.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 7
i do kind of want to go to al anon; i've been checking out meeting times constantly; i almost went last night; but i'm actually a little nervous; i know that might sound silly, i'm not sure what it is; i know there are a few meetings tonight, maybe i'll build up the courage
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Join Date: Sep 2008
Location: Back East
Posts: 704
Definitely go! It's totally low-key and friendly, and you don't have to say anything if you don't want to. Most meetings have a "Newcomer packet" with several Al-Anon pamphlets, which they'll have for you -- or you can just peruse whatever pamphlets they have out on the table (which they usually do).
Have you seen "When A Man Loves a Woman," with Meg Ryan and Andy Garcia? He goes to Al-Anon meetings for several months before he says anything -- perfectly normal way to do it, for a newcomer!
Good luck!
T
Have you seen "When A Man Loves a Woman," with Meg Ryan and Andy Garcia? He goes to Al-Anon meetings for several months before he says anything -- perfectly normal way to do it, for a newcomer!
Good luck!
T
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