steve1840

that last thread came out wrong. i really wasn't asking those questions, i was really saying that stuff as statements. i am actually doing really well, not a care about all of this. i have finally stopped answering the phone. i know she had to move out and moved into a land of drugs.

so i am really feeling good for the first time in a long time. EXCEPT that my forbearance/deferment period on my student loans is up and i owe more than my stupid masters in history will ever allow me to earn.


i am recovering!
i have my life back!
i am content again

steve1840

basically, over the past 2 months i have realized what i was in the middle of, and where i'd rather be. i can detach from it all now. i can say- i feel sad for her, but she made this choice. that sets me free. i figure when i first got involved with her again last year, it was to help her get to where she needed to be. almost to the year exactly, that opportunity came and she moved. sadly it only lasted about a month- if that, and she began making choices that hindered any recovery. this time i saw it as choice. she could have done anything she could to stay clean, she chose to be friends with a user. she chose to get high again. well, i have choices too. i finally saw that, and i chose to free myself from this.

i just feel much more like me again.

its hard for me to read some of the old posts because i see myself differently in them, plus it makes me feel the pain i was feeling. i think i always felt bad if i did not feel bad for her- if that makes sense. survivors guilt i suppose. how can i be happy while she's stuck in this? but i don dont feel that way.

steve1840

oh yeah-

and again i have to thank you all for carrying me, pushing me, etc

thank you thank you thank you


I get it now!!!!
its like a light bulb went off or a timer dinged!

you have to extricate yourself from the core of the situation.

i cannot say that it does not sadden me to see that she is back where she started, buti finally want to move on

suki44883

BRAVO!!!

dollydo

kiki5711

Miauuuu! means congrats!

steve1840

thank you all. as i said in another thread, i need to remain on guard. emotions go up and down. i did have my moments last night, but stayed focused and got through it.

i have a favor to ask, sort of, this is the first time i have gotten this far removed. so, i may backslide, i may ask a question, please keep in mind that i really am trying to move forward and keep walking the path i am on. as i try to move forward, i am dealing with knowing she is living with virtual strangers in a different town and you all know i have that tendency to awfulize things. as i move forward, i get reminded that she may be doing anything, she may be getting worse etc. but i want to get better. i am trying to move toward something i had abandoned. i have come to understand addiction and the addict way more than i thought was possible. yet with understanding there is still bewilderment. i know i will never get more than a tiny fraction of the truth, so i have to rely on me to, when all i want is full disclosure.

but, its all ok. one day at a time

MsPINKAcres

((Steve))

So happy for you Steve - you have fought a long and hard battle - a fight for YOU and the ability to be Happy, Joyous and Free ~ I'm glad to see that you are winning the battle!

PINK HUGS,
Rita

steve1840

thanks for the support. there has been stuff going on involving her, but i am basically numb to it. i am finally pulling my head out of the sand. i should be no contact but i am just not there yet. for now, i am content watching the actions. in the past 4 days i got one call that lasted a minute to say hi. i got a bunch of calls sat and mon asking for 20 for cigarettes and 20 for food claiming she hasnt eaten in over a day. i guess her being so far away makes this easier for me. there was talk about visiting but now there hardly is even any talk. as i said, part of me wanted to visit to see for myself ewhat was going on, but i think its clear enough. so, nearly a week i have felt pretty good!

Kindeyes

Steve
There is no useful purpose in awfulizing that which you cannot control. Please don't let her pull you back in again. You are an intelligent, educated man. You deserve the same in a partner.

gentle hugs
ke