cc88

I've never done this before and its very unlike me. Goes to show how badly I could use some un-biased insight. It all makes more sense with details that would take me hours to type out, but I'll do my best with the most necessary information. I guess ill jump right into it.

I'm 23, from a large but very close family. 2nd to youngest. The oldest sibling has been a heroine addict for many years. Im not quite sure how many because I didnt know until the last 3 or 4. One day I figure he drinks a little too much the next I learn hes in rehab for a serious addiction. He does a 90 day program, gets out, and is a new person. Met a girl in rehab, and they started dating when they both graduated. both clean for a few weeks, they go on a trip. 2nd night of that trip, said girl calls my cell phone screaming, saying she heard a thud, and hes on the floor blue, she thinks hes dead. He OD'ed and would have been dead if the ambulance had gotten there a few minutes after they had.

He goes to rehab again. graduates. comes home. goes to meetings, meets new sober friends, is pleasant to be around for the first time in his life. This lasted 6 months. Eventually he met another girl who drinks too much. at this point hes "clean" but got cocky about "rules" and being the prideful jackass he is, left my parents house to move in with this girl. she is an addict now too as a result, by the way.

I'm very done. all anger aside, I want nothing to do with him because he is hell bent on committing his own slow suicide. Unfortunately my parents still believe the "Im just really tired" and the "I havent slept in a while" etc. that i'm sure everyone reading this is familiar with in one way or another. Then when I tell her later hes using again she feels like a moron and like its her fault etc. etc.

Where I am now is that for my own sanity and peace of mind, I want nothing to do with him. I wont take his calls, give him money, nothing. But when I visit my parents' house, he's sometimes there. Like this weekend when he was nodding out at my brothers birthday party and thinks that no one notices that hes high. im mad that he chooses drugs over us. Im mad that my brother and my sister let him hold/watch my niece and nephew. Im mad that hes allowed to come and go and eat food when he wants. im mad that my family wont find the courage to call him out, tell him we know that hes lying, and tell him not to come around. and brother or not, he has consistently lied to, and disrespected my parents and I cant sit back and watch that/allow it to continue. but my parents house is not mine, my niece and nephew are not my children, and i cant do much about it.

All I can do now, aside from meeting him face to face and explaining that I dont want any further contact with him, is tell my parents that as much as i love them and want to see them any day I can, I wont be coming over anymore if he is attending. Meaning I'll miss birthday parties, dinners (we're italian. its a big deal), holidays, etc. should he choose to show up. I understand some might think this is selfish and id be "punishing" my family and not him, but i have no idea what else i am supposed to do. I dont want to spend a minute around him I dont have to.

Any thoughts from any standpoint would be helpful. Thanks everyone.

smacked

One of the moderators can move it to the right forum

Welcome! Sorry for what brought you here, but so happy you found 'us'.

It sounds like you have a really good head on your shoulders, and that you've got some very healthy and clear boundaries when it comes to dealing with (or not dealing with) your brother. Fortunately, that is within your control. Unfortunately, that is all that is within your control..but that reality can be sort of 'freeing' as you meander on through you own healthy life.

There's lots of awesome folks here who unfortunately have a lot of experience with loving addicts. They'll be around soon to provide support.

Glad you're here!!

ETA: looks like it got moved to the right place! Yay!

JMFburns

cc,
Welcome!
You make your own decisions. Nothing more, nothing less, there is no hidden meaning.

I understand, my 30 yr old son is an addict, he has been sober for 2 years. He doesn't really "work" a program.

My 27 yr old daughter drew the line in the sand about 2.5 years ago. If brother is at a gathering, she is not. That is her choice. It isn't always easy and yes, she does get angry if he is able to make it to a gathering, cuz then she misses it. He doesn't have a job or car so he makes it to fewer things than she does.

I just wanted to say "hi" and let you know you have the right to make up your own mind anyway you see fit . . . if your intentions are to keep yourself sane that's all there is to it.

You can't think your punishing everyone, teaching them a lesson or anything like that. You have to make decisions that make you feel comfortable and then make other plans on the days you miss out on.

Kindeyes

Hi cc88.....welcome to SR......I'm glad you found us.

I understand your anger and frustration. Having an addict in the family is very difficult. You are making some choices that will help you stay healthy and that's ok. When it comes to addiction, we have to do what we can to protect ourselves from the insanity of the disease.

I am the mother of an addict. He is actively using. I love him but I cannot enable him in his disease. He is homeless and living in his car.

My daughter cut ties with her brother a few years ago. She had enough and I don't blame her. I don't talk to her about her brother. They seldom see each other. I love them both. One is healthy and one is very addicted. As a mother, I can't even begin to tell you how difficult it is. But I do understand my daughter's position and I support her fully in her desire to maintain her own sanity.

Now some thoughts on addiction. Addiction is a disease that affects the whole family. If they aren't already doing so, you might consider suggesting Alanon or Naranon for your parents and you might consider going with them! Your brother is not doing this to his family or to you--he is not choosing drugs over the family--even though it may seem that way, he's not. He's an addict. But that doesn't mean that you have to put up with the nonsense that is behaviorally common with addicts. You do what you need to do to protect yourself and your own boundaries!

I'm so sorry that you are dealing with this. It is very sad. You and your family will be in my prayers.

gentle hugs
ke

cc88

Smacked:
Thank you . And that's been one of the hardest lessons: I really don't control anything but my own actions. Id like to say "well you cant keep using and then be able to come around and see your family when its convenient." but I cant make that call for everyone else. All I can say is "you cant have this part of your family".

JMFburns/Kindeyes:
thank you as well for the encouragement. I've only been married 3 months and kids are going to be a while down the line, so as much as I hurt over my older brother, I really cant even begin to imagine a mothers heartbreak over her son. Which is something I realized last night that I need to keep in mind when talking to my mom. He's her firstborn. One thing I made clear to my parents and I wanted to say here too is that If he was clean, even for one year. hell even for six months. I wouldn't be in this position, feeling like i want to shut him out completely. But he isn't, and this is my problem. Kindeyes, thanks for the insight, and you're right. My parents have been in naranon groups, Im finding my way into them now, and i imagine my brothers and sisters (there are 6 of us) will eventually too. I've dealt with addiction myself in various forms, though I didn't have nearly as big a dragon to slay as he does. I got the help i needed to and I haven't looked back for many years. i guess that's where we vary. I was willing to do whatever for my family. He never has been.


Slight update: After i posted this yesterday before leaving work, I called my parents and asked if I could visit them to talk a bit. I ended up staying there for 3 hours. She told me that my brother butt-dialed her a while back and when she listened to the voicemail it left, it was him and his girlfriend using. she had to ask my sister what the slang meant but my sister keeps it real and was like "theyre using drugs on this message". When she confronted him, he admitted/claimed he was smoking weed. I told her shed be stupid to believe that. He hasn't smoked weed in forever, in fact I have been at parties with him when he says he hates weed now. Plus. If a heroine addict gets clean, they don't go back and ONLY smoke weed. I don't believe that happens. I also told them that I don't think he took recovery seriously because after he got out he moved in with a girl who drinks and now they both use. she said "that's a pretty nasty thing to claim about him" but anyone with eyes and a brain can see. this girl went from healthy looking to skeleton and her eyes are sunk in and dark. Im sure you all know the look. Now she has this mysterious infection in the back of her knee they cant explain. To the claim, she said "What if you're wrong" and i said then he deserves 1 false accusation after years of lying to us. crying wolf so many times. but i told my mom that the thought of "what if I'm wrong" is probably what has been enabling her to buy all the B.S hes been shoveling to her for years. They said "so what do you suggest, we close our door on him?" and i said yea. I think we all should give him an ultimatum. get well and follow the rules or no ones gonna take your calls or see you. they said it might cause him harm, and I said that the reality of it is, if he keeps using hes gonna end up killing himself anyways. thats when my dad finally chimed in and said "thats the hardest thing we've had to come to grips with"

At the end of everything she said "you're right. maybe i need talk to him again". I think my parents were already teetering on confronting him and i might have given them a little push.

My parents are some of the most amazing people I know and they've been so supportive and have a TRULY open door. and mind. they've come a long way. if all i had was anger against him, i wouldn't take the time to be so outspoken with them. its concern for the rest of my family really.

maybe I'm wrong. I don't think my siblings would agree to confront him together anyways. I think my best shot is to stay away if hes around.

thanks for the encouragement, I think this is just what I need.

JMFburns

cc88,

Thanks for the update.

You sound like a very strong woman and a very supportive, caring daughter/sister. Any little bit of "eye opening" that you've done or continue to do with you parents and other family members is good. Just don't expect miralcles over night. That's why you have your own boundaries and plan.

Keep up the good work!

Eddiebuckle

The only suggestion I have is this: get yourself to a nar-anon meeting. Fast.

cc88

Im actually a son/brother, but thank you. And yes Im trying to be patient and just do what i can for me.

cc88

Yesterday my brother and his girl attended dinner at my parents house. I didnt go. My sister came by to bring me food afterward and said that they were fine for a while, then went outside for a minute and when they came back they were "falling asleep" at the table.

I called my mom and its looking like we're all going to talk about it together after my mom goes for a counselling session. I think she wants a professional there if we do confront him as a family so that emotions dont run wild and people fly off the handle. Surprisingly but encouragingly, my siblings all seem to have had enough of the nonsense same as me. Thanks for the encouragement everyone.

does anyone have much experience with an all out .. "formal" (for lack of a better word) intervention?