verylost

My husband recently announced he had a cocaine and gambling problem. He broke our marriage vows, ran up debt and has been lying to me for years. He is in rehab and coming home soon. The only reason I'm letting him come home is because maybe he can change and become a good father (we have two small children), but I will not tolerate him ever using or gambling again. I won't subject my children to that type of environment. The problem is how do we even begin to fix this marriage? I'm angry most of the time, because I've realized I was used for years and that I let it happen. Everything I read talks about detaching. That is all well and good, I've separated my money and I understand I can't fix his problems nor will I. BUT...this is my husband. How do you detach from your husband and still have a marriage? I should be able to rely on him, I should be able to trust him and I should be able to expect things from him. I don't understand how you detach from your spouse. I've come up with boundaries of things I will not tolerate, but I have expectations of who I want my husband to be and I think I should be able to expect things from my husband. Everything says you can't control or expect things from an addict, then what is the point of the marriage? Has anyone ever made this work or am I just hanging on for no good reason and my heart will be broken again?

faithfully

Hi,

Thanks for your post, I can relate in some ways.

Your husband is ill, in the sense that disease is an addiction. I might consider it as if he were coming out of the hospital from an accident or illness and must take convalescence time to recover, and just like as if he had to learn how to walk again after a bad injury, or eat properly and be de-stressed as if he had a heart attack, your husband will be in recovery and learning a new way to live.

I am not sure you will be happy if you try to rely on him in the way you think you should rely on a husband. Expectations and people, in my experience, don't mix well and often lead to suffering. Detaching for me has meant to detach my focus away from being on the addict and focus the attention instead, to be on myself.

12 step work can be very beneficial and are used to help both addict/alcoholic and addict's/alcoholic's family members. And if you are familiar with the steps and really work the steps, and even attend some alanon or naranon meetings, then you will be in a strong, positive position to be supportive of him if he decides he wants to be and stay in recovery.

The truth is, this is very sad, addiction is a sad thing, and the effects are sad, for your husband to stay sober in recovery, his world must change, so the expectations you put on him (even if not said) could hinder his ability to stay straight, only in the sense that his life will change in recovery, from what it was before, and he may benefit more from freedom from some expectations, rather than having to perform the same as before he was in recovery.

expectations could negatively hinder the change and growth required for healing.

Sophie12

I'm wondering how to detach from my AH who is in sober but not really working on himself, he is dry I guess, and I'm struggling with my codependancy and wanting to get in his face and tell him how and what I think he should be doing and it's driving me crazy to keep my mouth shut - I'm struggling with expectations from him too; and all I can tell you is most of the time he disappoints me, so again I'm trying hard to just leave him be for now and not push or expect and focus on myself - but God knows it is not easy . .

outtolunch

Your children are learning how to treat others and allow others to treat them from both you and your husband.

Your expectations are likely the source of your anger. A true boundary expects nothing from others. Instead boundaries define and protect you and your children.

" You will not use drugs or gamble or else I am leaving" is an attempt to control someone else's behavior. Such attempts cause mutual resentments and fail.

" I will not live with or expose my children to anyone in active addiction or new to recovery" is a boundary. It does not compel anyone else to change or do anything. The boundary setter takes responsibility for enforcing their own boundary and removes themselves and children from the situation.

How about rethinking the return home after rehab? A Sober Living Enviornment ( sle) is a far better place for those new to recovery to practice what they have learned and learn how to live life without substances, gaming or whatever it is that's been floating their boat. The majority o people relapse and that too is best done away from your home. When relapse happens, they are usually kicked out of the SLE have have a " it's not my fault" storyline to tell.

Who the heck needs this, especially when there are children at home.

Living with addiction takes a toll on the whole family. Have you considered Alanon and or seeking professional help? Could it hurt?

Learn2Live

I learned Detachment by going to Al-Anon. I have never heard of a relationship or a marriage to an addict working out. I believe the best any of us can do is take the best care of ourselves as possible, and protect ourselves from the addict and their behavior, wisely. I also believe that the best predictor of future behavior is past behavior.

dollydo

". Everything says you can't control or expect things from an addict, then what is the point of the marriage?"

There is none, he has fooled you for years and until you get healthy nothing will change.

You have children, IMO they must be your priorty. They have already inheriterd the gene that predisposes them to addiction, and, they will carry their childhood into adulthood. Quite a burden for them to work thru.

Have you read Codependent No More? How about going to Naranon meetings? Both are a
good starting point to learn about addiction and codependency.

Keep posting, it will help...also read all the stickeys at the top of this forum.

LoveMeNow

My husband is an addict too. His DOC is pain pills. He is currently 84 days clean. He did not go to a rehab however he has been attending NA meetings. Will your husband be attending meetings?

Please don't have any expectations. If he is going to stay clean and sober, his recovery will HAVE to be his number 1 priority. My husband attends 1-2 meetings a day. The night meeting is from 8:00-9:00, then there is some fellowship time after, meetings with a sponsor and NA encourages service time too. In some cases, that means lots of time away from the house and family.

I do not have small kids to care for so I actually enjoy the time I get home alone...since he works from home as well.

Please keep reading and believe most of what you read. It's the truth.

kmangel

When your husband comes home after rehab (provided he stays clean) you can work on your marriage with marriage counseling. You can work on the pain you have endured being married to an addict and rebuild your relationship as wife and husband. Before sobriety there was no point to marriage counseling since addiction negated it. You won't have to continue to detach if your husband is working his program of recovery.