michelebelle

I had been posting here last year and I was so determined to quit drinking but, as always, temptations, difficult situations etc. came along as nice excuse to take only one drink and, as you know, this is never only one drink.
I am surrounded by alcohol (family friends) and drinking is the only way I know how to live my life, to celebrate, to morn and sometimes just to deal with boredom and it was like this since high school (I am 34 now). I have missed my whole life and lived it watching it through a glass or a bottle.

I tried AA last year and stayed sober and clean for 8 months, but I came to AA half broken and when they were done with me I was totally broken. I was 13 stepped there by a person who was at a time 14 years clean, I opened my heart to those people and let them into my life and after everything I was forced to listen how there is something wrong with me when I was prepare to question integrity of a person who is 14 years clean, but ok I still think it is good thing for lot of people. I felt naked, broken and manipulated.
Then some heavy personal things happened to me and I was at the point where I lost faith in everybody and still I am not sure how I turned to become who I am now, I don't recognize the person I am seeing in a mirror.

But, I am not a quitter and I tried to see the therapist in order to deal with my diagnosed depression for which I hoped is the reason for my alcoholism. But it was not of a much help. I was just given another drug in my life (antidepressants) and I realized that alcohol and tranquilizers are already enough for me so I quit.

I am tired of this circle, of this battle inside of me. Ok life may not be fair, but I am not making it easier.
Recently, I started to drink so much that I am not afraid of slowly ruining my life, but that one of this binge drinking would be fatal because of the quantity I am able to put into myself.

I have tried everything, and I am so discouraged by the numbers of my attempts to stay sober and quit drinking for good, because I am aware that this is the only option for me.

I decided last Sunday to turn new page in my life and I was good until yesterday. Yesterday I saw my friends and as much as I was determine to just take a coffee "somehow" I woke up in a bed of a guy that I am occasionally seeing (usually after drinking) with a huge headache, lot of guilt, low self esteem and depressed as usual.
And here I am, at work in a clothes that I wore yesterday, no makeup, with these eyes of a sad and tired person who just had enough.

I am so ashamed and scared and hopeless, the only thing that I can cling to is my constant desire to stop once and change my life totally.

I read post on this board and I can relate to all of them. I read and cry in my heart of happiness when I see how many people succeeded to stay sober and to live decent productive lives.

I am a total mess today and I know that it will be better in just a few days, but these are the days that scare me, because it is always the same, my memory is so short and as soon as I become better I forget how it is dangerous for me to drink and how depressed and messed up I would feel the next day.

I am tired of these first days that repeat like a bad dream. I am ashamed as I said, but this is even not about the shame, I don't care what people would say, they lead their lives and I bet they don't think about me, in fact their opinion will not make me better or worse, it is my behavior that will make things either way.

I just want to thank you all for your posts, as they make me feel less lonely and they make things look possible.

I send you my warmest and strongest hugs.

MB

Dee74

Welcome back Michelle

I'm sorry for your bad AA experience. Sadly, predators and sick people are everywhere.

If you feel can't get past that to return to AA, that your call - but there are other alternatives for support - some of the main players are here:

http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...formation.html

There are also other alternatives like counselling, or rehab.

I really encourage you to think over and investigate every option carefully - it sounds like you're really living dangerously right now.

There is life after quitting - it is good - and you deserve it as much as anybody, Michelle

D

michelebelle

Hi Dee,

Thanks for your support.

In my country (it is a small country in Europe) only options are AA and mental institution and there is not much understanding for this problem.

I can not deal with additional shame and stress.

I decided to do it on my own. To make a plan. My best friend does not drink and there is no alcohol in her house. I asked her for help and she is very supportive and realistic.
I decided to retreat for a while until I become stronger and more stabile.

I will stop seeing people I use to drink with, I will visit this board, I don't know, I will avoid all situations that are shown to be trigger for me and after a while I will try to incorporate new activities into my life that don't include drinking.

After all, I can not pretend that I don't now what actions I need to take in order to maintain sobriety, I just have to take responsibility for my actions. And I am so tired of this vicious circle I got caught in.

These are only things I am able to do at the moment.

You know, I think I never truly admitted to my self the seriousness of my illness, my motives for quitting drink were always wrong, this time it is different, I don't expect anything miraculous to happen and to be "rewarded" for being a good girl. This time my only mission is saving my own life.

Hugs

Latte

I'm so sad for your struggles thus far and that you were taken advantage of.

SR is always here. Keep coming back. I'm glad you are here.

saphira

Hi and Welcome MB! I understand well the cycle you describe-- drinking hard, feeling like crap about everything, and then a few days go by and you forget how bad that feels so you drink again. I repeated this cycle many, many times...especially on the weekends. Don't lose hope! Even though this has been a main part of your life, you can change it! That's the wonderful part. I wanted to change things for a long time, but it was only when I became truly scared for my own health that things began to change for me. Sadly, even my 8-year-old son wasn't enough of a manipulator to truly make me change. He made me want to quit, but when a craving hit, it wasn't enough. As my dad put it (when talking about addiction), "Yeah, I'd walk in front of a bus for my son but give up alcohol? I don't think so." Anyway, I began having some symptoms that freaked me out and that made me quit for good.
I wish you all the best in your journey. Never hesitate to reach out here-- there are always people to give support!

SSIL75

Welcome back! If you haven't already, check out Rational Recovery.

recoverywfaith

You deserve a better way to live sober and in recovery. Your action thus far sounds good...although hope you will give another AA meeting a try? Glad you are here and staying away from old people, places and things and are placing high importance to your life.

michelebelle

Thank you all for your support, you are amazing people!

I will check rational recovery on the net. I took a glance and it sounds interesting.

AA is not an option for me, I really cannot relate to the whole concept.
I met wonderful and amazing people there and I carry them in my heart, but I would rather try to find ways to rely on my own strenghts and healthy reason.

I liked beeing surrounded with sober people who understood my strugle and with whom I felt safe regarding alcohol, I also dont have problems with higher power, but the atmosphere there reminded me of some kind of cult, I didn't feel comfortable with phrases that were repeated over and over again and I didn't feel protected when the predator came into my life, I felt betrayed and ashamed.

I was only one month sober when I met him at one convention and we started long distance relationship for 6 months. My sponsor encouraged me in certain way to continue this relationship until one day he just sent me an email how his sponsor told him to stop contacting me.

I didn't know what happened, I was confused and broken. I cried for 2 whole months and felt constant pain. Nobody worned me about anything. By the time it was clear that I just switched one adiction with another (him) it was to late and knew very well what happened, but you know I was "suggested" not to judge and to look for my part in the whole story. Not to mention that he is still very appreciated member of AA comunity and I am just a stupid girl who "wasnt honest enough" with herself. He even tried to contact me again few months ago...what to say

I was so happy when I found AA, I was exalted, I finaly felt saved...and after all that happend I just felt ashamed, stupid and betrayed.

Another thing that made a mess in my head was insisting on constant contact with people from AA and even at the time I was the youngest member of our group I became important support for people who are much longer there than me. I was called at work, after work, if I am not home this specific person would call me just to share something with me because as she said it was by the book. It felt so draining.

I borowed money to go to the convention, although I was out of job at the time, because my sponsor strongly "suggested" that it would be good for my recovery and that they would refund the money. I never saw the money and I came back exhausted because the convention was all about me translating to foreign participants and my homegroup and not about my recovery.

When the story with AA finished, as it did I was hopeless case. I thought It was my last chance and that I am doomed to get back to my old life. I even started to smoke again and before that I was 3 years free of that junk.

It is paradoxical how the person like me who obviously has serious problems and suffers from deprssion managed to become the main support pillar in my family, among friends, coworkers etc. Some people even wont accept the fact that I am alcoholic and that I need help, because I am supposed to listen to their emotional, marital, work problems and to solve them.

I am tired of helping and understanding everybody but my self.
I don't want to accept my powerlessness over anything.
I am atractive, kind, spiritual (not religious but spiritual), well educated woman who is damaged by years of self abuse and I want this to stop.

I want to reach to that light inside my self and feel empowered over my own destny and actions.
I have so much empathy for everybody else, but myself and it is final time to change this.

I don't know why I am doing this to my self and I even don't care for finding causes and putting blame on somebody or something.

I am an adult who should act like one. I am so angry at my self for treating my self like the worst enemy. If I am not able to love myself (because obviously this behaviour is nothing but self hatred) I should be decent enough to have mercy and stop torturing myself.

I know that it is hard to do it alone and I don't plan to do it alone. I considere this board my best ally, because I feel safe and secure here.
I know I won't be judged and I will be understood.
Sometimes it is just enough to read other posts and to feel the energy.

Thank you all very, very much

holdfold

MB, welcome....shame, anger, humiliation, disappointment, confusion as to why... all very common with alcoholics. A small observation as I think you are 'looking into the whirlpool' .... look up and you will see hope. I am not AA or Christian... but we are all powerless to alcohol and it is pride that is stopping you from getting to the next step of 'thinking with the problem'. As opposed to just stopping drinking, there are many spiritual and secular groups that have very meaning points to make and have served as my anchor. In my World, pride is a function of ego, and ego is a very sharp double edged sword. There are some very basic reasons why you are doing this to yourself, but through the alcohol they are hiding in plain sight. Surround yourself with good people and every day will get easier ... you can see that for yourself by the people that contribute .... peace and empathy ...

michaelsgirl

You sound just like a friend of mine. Always quitting drinking for someone or something else. When in reality it has to be for you and only you that it will ever work. Its hard to do things on your own but its a much rewarding knowing we can ALL do it. Sometimes talking to someone that is sober is easier thatn you dont know than someone that migh judge you and even though spouses shouldnt...sometimes they do. I wish my boyfriend would open up and talk to me but he doesnt because he is ashamed and afraid I will judge him ... he has hurt me so many times that its hard to trust him but I am trying to help him and not gving up on him even though i think i should sometimes. just worries me what he may do if I do give up...i am the ONLY person helping him.

sugarbear1

AA's whole concept of one alcoholic helping another alcoholic is exactly what you are doing in here. the rest of aa is to deal with your feelings that are bound to come out after you stop numbing yourself with the alcohol!

12 steps
12 principles
12 traditions
12 concepts

Began with the Oxford Group and The Washingtonians......just altered so that the AA group survives and egos are deflated.....

AA has the solution if you have an open mind.

Soberpotamus

Welcome to SR!

I recommend Rational Recovery's AVRT (Addictive Voice Recognition Technique) if you aren't happy with AA.

sugarbear1

you distracted yourself from your recovery and you blame AA?

DisplacedGRITS

Welcome back, MB. I've run the circle quite a few times, tried AA but just couldn't get into the atmosphere. I think i've switched additions to SR! Posting here is wonderful because everyone has a voice and it just feels safe and not forced. I hope to see you here a lot and my latest mantra is that myworst day sober is still better than my best day drunk. Be strong and believe in yourself. It all begins and ends with you. You are worthy!

michelebelle

Of course I am not blaming anybody for my alcoholism. I am doing it to myself. My intention was not to compromise AA. I just shared my experience with it and I have right on my own feelings and observations.
The point is that it didn't work for me and since I didn't know alternatives, I felt hopeles after realizing that I felt even more broken after my experience there.
I think that the concept of deflating ego works for people with huge ego and in AA it is a priori supposed that all alcoholics have this problems, while my experience is that there are lot of alcoholics (specially women) who suffers from low self esteem and have distorted and degraded pictures of them selves, who feel worthless and it gives them feeling that there is nothing else there for them but to drink. People like these are specially vulnerable und when they find such group of people (any group of people, not just AA) they are amazed by hospitality and acceptance and "unconditional" love and they are inclined to trust everybody, even the people who are not trustworthy and when something like this happened they feel even more wortheless.
I think that people like this should build their ego. Ego is part of us, we should not kill it, ego means "I" and there is a difference between helathy and balanced ego and the one that is not healthy.
However, if somebody would tell me eat mud every day and you will become healthy, well balanced, serene woman, beleive me, I would do it if it realy works for me. I don't have problem with accepting advice from somebody who is wiser than me or who shares the same experience and struggle. This is why I am posting here.
I just need something that is acceptable to my comprehension of how it all works and how I can help myself.
I don't want to be dependant on any substance or person or situation.
Power can be misinterpreted and misused, but I certainly don't want to feel powerless since that is the feeling that accompanies me my whole life.
This way of thinking is my way of thinking and it brought me nowhere.
However, it is not about who is wrong and who is right, we are all here with the same purpose, to help each other to become and remain sober/clean and I really sincerely and gratefuly am considering all your advices and suggestions.

Hugs
MB

michelebelle

Thanks Jennie,

I realy like your posts. I am checking out AVRT whole day. It really sounds interesting and fills me with hope.

Soberpotamus

Yep, me too.

michelebelle

Day 2

I woke up this morning and just thought what DisplacedGRITS wrote yesterday "my worst day sober is still better than my best day drunk". I was just happy when I realized that I wasn't drinking last night and that I am one day further from my first day.
I canceled vacation I was planning with my drinking buddies and called a friend who is nonalcoholic, doesn't smoke, goes to gym, eats only healthy food and asked her to book me for a trip with her to Egypt at the end of September.
Tomorrow, I am starting with the gym.
I realized yesterday that I have lot of sober people around me I can spend my time with, but it was me who never had time for them, because I would rather sit and drink with my drinking buddies.
They are my friends and I love them, but the truth is that I cannot remember one encounter with them where we wouldn't drink, in fact I think we wouldn't know how to have fun together if we are sober.
I am still depressed and disgusted by myself, but I don't want to go back to severe depression so I am excited about the gym, Egypt, healthy way of living...discovering life again.

Hugs

instant

Hi Michelle and welcome

I hope you find a way to surrender to sobriety and embrace a positive future