Boundaries for AS's GF?

Old 08-03-2011, 11:17 AM
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Boundaries for AS's GF?

My AAS is currently in detox after a relapse in my home. He's been in the home 9 months. Before this, he lived elsewhere for several years. He was not living with me during his years of active addiction. I took him in after he hit a hard bottom and was willing to help support him in recovery while he got back on his feet.

I also allowed his RAGF visiting privileges. They have been a couple for years, and entered rehab at the same time (but different facilities). The family gave her the opportunity to make amends and show that the relationship was something we could potentially support.

I found out after the relapse that she covered up his alcohol and drug use in my home. He has been drinking for months, and she knew this. She also accompanied him on a family vacation, knowing he had drugs in the hotel room with my other children. Her "intent" was to "help" him and try to get him to stop without anyone knowing. In short, she is extremely codependent and enabling and damage has been done within the family. I don't need to tell you the danger of codependency and alcoholism/addiction.

I am allowing my AAS to continue living in the home for this last chance. I knew the relapse odds were very high, so we had a relapse plan in place. If there is another relapse, he will be asked to leave immediately.

There are new house rules, and my boundaries will be strictly enforced. He is paying rent and is expected to work a recovery program.

My question is about the RAGF. We know she did not cause my son to drink/use, but by covering, protecting, hiding and allowing substances around my family, trust has been severed and we no longer believe the relationship is supportable... at least not as it is.

We will give our son one last chance to live in the home, but the RAGF is not our child, so can't find the same place in our hearts to give her another chance.

My AAS is free to leave at any moment, so I'm not concerned about his comfort level or keeping him happy. What I'd like to know is if what I'm thinking is appropriate or if it's me getting involved in their "stuff."

Would it be okay to say that as a condition of the RAGF being allowed to visit in the home, she has to attend Al Anon or Nar Anon meetings?

I have the same boundary for my son. He cannot live in the home without being actively involved in a recovery program. Meetings, sponsor, therapist, whatever. I cannot live with an addict/alcoholic who is not seeking recovery. Simply being clean and sober is not enough to meet my boundaries.

If my AAS doesn't want to work a recovery program, I can't do a thing about that. But I don't have to live with him.

So is it within my bounds to set a condition for the RAGF as well?

I welcome any input. Thank you.
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Old 08-03-2011, 11:46 AM
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I don't allow anyone in my home that I see as being toxic for me. My daughter's BF is a raging codie and that's her problem to deal with, one to one. He's made a few codie slips while in my home, and that's my problem to deal with. He's not allowed here but maybe 1-2 times a month now, for a couple of hours and no overnights, no closed doors. This was after a few months hiatus. I took this up with him, not through her, because it's my home and my boundary. He's very aware my door may shut on him at any moment. I didn't tell him how to stop effing up, I only told him it had to. So far, so good.
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Old 08-03-2011, 11:58 AM
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Chino, that helps. Thank you. My son asked what I was going to do about the GF, and I said she would have to speak with me herself. That this is between me and her. I can't pick who he sees, but I don't have to accommodate her in my home just because she's his GF. I have my OWN issues with her and what she's done. She broke MY house rules and crossed MY boundaries. She was aware of drugs around MY children. She attended family parties, swam in my pool, ate my food and borrowed my daughter's clothes. She isn't part of my son, she's an individual person who has to deal with the consequences of her behaviors. She doesn't get a free pass. She's not a package deal with my son.
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Old 08-03-2011, 01:11 PM
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Originally Posted by BeingStill View Post
I said she would have to speak with me herself. That this is between me and her. I can't pick who he sees, but I don't have to accommodate her in my home just because she's his GF. I have my OWN issues with her and what she's done. She broke MY house rules and crossed MY boundaries. She was aware of drugs around MY children. She attended family parties, swam in my pool, ate my food and borrowed my daughter's clothes. She isn't part of my son, she's an individual person who has to deal with the consequences of her behaviors. She doesn't get a free pass. She's not a package deal with my son.

I think you are well within your rights, and shame on her for her dishonesty and deceit.

Sending you hugs of support!
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Old 08-03-2011, 01:32 PM
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I am confused, so when did he relapse on drugs? Last I knew he was drinking and that was ok as long as he was not drinking in your home. I thought that your boundry was that if he relapsed on drugs he would have to leave your home?
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Old 08-03-2011, 02:10 PM
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Dollydo, ohmygosh, no! I have to be more careful how I state things! He is NOT allowed to drink in my home, out of my home, in the garage, on the moon, anywhere... and still live with me. He can drink whenever he wants and I can't control him, but he won't be living with me while he does it. When I say he can't drink in my home, what I mean is that he can't drink while living with me.

The relapse was about three weeks ago and included drugs and alcohol. It was all the same relapse. After being clean for almost 9 months.

He had to go detox or leave.

He hasn't lived with me for 6 years (until the last 9 months). When he came here from rehab, we had a relapse agreement worked out with the rehab counselors. That went into effect when I found out about this relapse three weeks ago with drugs and alcohol.

A subsequent relapse will result in him leaving the house. This includes drugs or alcohol.

So he's currently in my home. Not drinking or using. Testing again through his IOP. He started another IOP as part of the relapse agreement. He is very upset with himself and wants to get back on the right path.

My problem is what to do with the RAGF who was privy to his relapse and enabled him under my roof.

Also, my other kids have their OWN boundaries for their brother and his GF that come in to play here.

I just want to make sure I'm staying true to my boundaries and not letting her off the hook as part of some package deal with my son.
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Old 08-03-2011, 03:04 PM
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Ok, thank you, I am back on tract.

As for the gf, I would set the boundry...she is not welcome in our home. He can meet her outside of your home. Whatever their deal is, it's their deal, if he wants her to come to his home, he can rent a place on his own.

Thanks and just my two cents!
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Old 08-03-2011, 03:23 PM
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I agree, the girlfriend broke the trust and will have to work to regain it....while living someplace else.

I hope your son can find sobriety again, really I do, and I know you are prepared for whatever unfolds.

I hope this works for you too, having a front row seat to the drama is the worst seat in the house.

Hugs of Hope
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Old 08-03-2011, 03:28 PM
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The part about having a front row seat to the drama in the house... for some reason it just struck me as funny and I think I snorted out loud. :/ Because it's so true. I think many of us not only have front row seats, but we're season ticket holders.

Sigh.
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Old 08-03-2011, 04:20 PM
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Originally Posted by BeingStill View Post
I think many of us not only have front row seats, but we're season ticket holders.
Okay, now that made me laugh so hard I snorted! It certainly was true for me for many years!
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Old 08-03-2011, 04:40 PM
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So let me get this straight.....he's been in rehab something like 2X, this year. And once again, you are OK with having him in your home, only this time it's going to be different, eh.

This whole GF thing sounds a tad convoluted. Exactly where does it become her responsibility to tell you what's going on with your son?

Your son broke your house rules and somehow, the GF is no longer welcome in your home ( unless she attends Alanon or something) because she did not rat him out to his mom.

Hey, it's your house and your rules and all that. Just having a tough time wrappoing my head around how the one who broke the rules is back in the saddle again while his GF is no longer welcome. Regardless, they both sound too old to be hanging out at mom's house.
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Old 08-03-2011, 05:06 PM
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This is just my opinion......so please......take what you like and disregard the rest.

I understand your frustration and why you are upset with the situation. I truly do. But I don't understand how or why RAGF is oblibligated to advise you of RAS's activities. She didn't break the rules, your son broke the rules. It sounds as though the wrong person is being held accountable for the activity. Your son put her in a very awkward position. She was damned if she did and damned if she didn't. Lose lose.

The "perpetrator" in the scenario as I see it......is your son.

Now if she was using with him......that's a whole different scenario.

gentle hugs
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Old 08-03-2011, 05:57 PM
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Rehab once this year. He's not in rehab again. Detox. Working through this with his sponsor. He hasn't lived with me before this. This was a set agreement that was worked out with his rehab counselors 9 months ago. I have no expectations that this time will be different. None. He's a tenant, and if he screws up he's gone. Period. I did this 6 years ago so I know the drill. The GF had rules too in order to be allowed in the house. There are probation requirements as well. Both of them broke house rules. She had agreed to the drug and alcohol free home. She drank with him. She's not an alcoholic like he is, but no addict should drink. She had obligations to the family because she intends to be part of it. They are engaged. No date is set. She has been in the family for 5 years.

I simply want to find a way to hold her accountable while also while tempering it with some tiny level of compassion.

I have no delusions of grandeur as far as my son is concerned. I just don't want to let my anger rule my boundaries with the GF. My tendency is not to enable, but rather to get angry and fail to find compassion for the addict. To push my son away, not pull him close. I shut my son out in large part for the last 6 years. I'm trying to find a more understanding and compassionate way to deal with this.

Thank you.
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