Sober husband and marital problems

Old 08-03-2011, 10:58 AM
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Sober husband and marital problems

This is my first time here. My name is Dana. My husband is 14 years sober. We have been together for 4 years and married for almost 2. I have known him for 9 years and we were friends before we got together. I am 18 years younger than my husband. Alcoholism runs in his family. His father recently passed away and was over 30 years sober, and his brother is over 20 years sober.

I don't really know where to start. My husband is treating me terribly. He is going to therapy sessions and I got us hooked up with a therapist for marital counseling, but he is resisting continuing the sessions. His reasoning is that he is saying that the problems are all mine, not joint and not his, and I don't think that's fair.

He recently told me that I am the "worst mistake he ever made". That hurt me so badly.

Last week I saw him making inappropriate comments to a childhood friend from his neighborhood, I saw this on his phone. I questioned him about it and he said he was sorry and it won't happen again, but I don't trust him.

We recently moved to our new home, (7 months ago), prior to that we did not have problems like this. Last night he told me that in the past 5 months he decided that I am "not what he's looking for". I didn't change so I don't know why what he is looking for has changed. He told me he wants to leave me and that he will figure out how to get on his feet but he will work it out. Since we moved to the bigger house, I can't afford to live there alone if he does leave. Where we lived before was originally my condo and I easily afforded it on my own. Right now I am feeling like he duped me, he tricked me... and now I lost my affordable house, have no money and nowhere to go if he actually leaves, and I am really scared.

We do not have children but about 4 months ago he actually told me we should start trying for kids! I stopped my pill and we had a fertility appointment with my OB GYN! Why?? If he had already decided I "wasn't what he was looking for"?

I am confused, scared, don't know where to turn.

He attends meetings once a week, it should probably be more often than that.

I am planning to go to my first Al Anon meeting tonight in town and don't know what to expect. Can this help someone like me?

I don't know what to do, if he leaves I am in a financial bind, and I also love him dearly even though the things he's been saying to me and the way he is treating me are so hard to deal with. I really want to get back to a good place.
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Old 08-03-2011, 11:49 AM
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Hey Rayn3dr0p!!

Thank you so much for writing. The good place still existed around October of last year. I don't know what has changed in my husband since then. At our 1 year anniversary, we had a great day (October) and were very happy.

Now we are at a place where he is telling me to "F-Off"... I'm not what he's looking for...I would never speak to him that way. I just can't understand it.

He is just looking to fight about absolutely everything. 2 weeks ago we were in the car to go to my parents' house for dinner. On the way he started arguing with me and decided he was not coming to dinner. He dropped me off and left. I was embarrassed to show up alone. To make it worse, I called for him to pick me up and he wouldn't even answer the phone. When he dropped me off he said that he was going to an AA meeting. When my dad had to drop me off later that night since he never came to get me, he told me he never went to the meeting and he was on the couch watching sports garbage.

If we had been where we are now, when I had my condo, I would have asked him to leave my condo. Now I am in a place that costs me $600 more a month in mortgage payments and unless someone is helping me, I can't make those payments. I have no money left since we just moved here, for closing costs, down payment, etc. Together we have 2 dogs and 4 cats. No one will rent to me with the animals and I would rather die than give up my pets. My animals are the most important thing in my life. I did want to note that I am the breadwinner in the house, earning more than $25k more than my husband per year. He has a job that pays him the salary I started at when I got out of college. He has been working there for 4 years and never has gotten a bonus or an increase, and seems to be fine with this, doesn't care that I'd like more for us or to be a part-time working mom because unfortunately due to his earnings I'll never stay home. He has zero ambition to move forward and higher... I just don't relate. I am making so much more than he is and I am 18 years younger. I encourage him to talk to his boss about opportunities to advance and raises and when I do that, he tells me I am "pushy" and to "leave him alone". Another new thing is that he needs "alone time" and "space" but in my mind, we spend all day apart at work, why do you always want to be alone?

It has become clear to me that my feelings are not important to anyone but me. I feel like an idiot for having a husband who makes comments like that to another woman... that woman must feel like I just don't have it together if my husband is speaking to her that way. I am embarrassed. And that woman is 45 and married with kids. Here I am, 26 and looking to start a family with him and he is interested in talking to a 45 year old married with kids. I don't get it. I see myself as a "good catch" in many respects, not trying to toot my own horn. I have a college education, I am an executive assistant for the last 5 years, I make good money, I keep a nice home, cook, clean, do all the laundry, make him lunch every day, what more could he want? I might not be thin but I am still pretty.

Sad part is I do NOT know how to come to a happy place independent of him. Being alone terrifies me.
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Old 08-03-2011, 12:58 PM
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Hey again!! I am seriously considering a weekend job. Just for possibly Saturdays. I just don't know what that would be. I also put in an application to volunteer at the SPCA, I am not sure if they are looking for help.

My happiness is DEFINITELY dependant on him right now, it has been that way with the other person I dated before as well. I am not sure why I am that way, but I want to stop.

I wanted to tell you that with regards to the way he speaks to me, he told me last night that it's my problem because "other girls would fight back". I am not typically a fighter, I will just go to bed and cry alone. How does that equate to him being able to yell at me, say hurtful things, and that I shouldn't be upset about it? Or feel how I feel?

I actually had a conversation today with my sister in law (his sister) who I can trust. She told me that I should act as if I live alone, ignore, do not tell him what I am doing and where I am going, just LIVE. Do you agree with this? She said that he will realize what's going on at some point and appreciate me more and things might change. She thinks he will never leave me.

I don't make friends easily and was recently hurt and left behind per se by my 2 maids of honor who were my best friends. That is a whole different story, but I didn't do anything to deserve it, both decided not to continue the friendship and now they're buddy buddy together. I introduced them! I find it very difficult to trust other women now and I have always had a lot of social anxiety. My happiness will most likely come from things that aren't social but things I can do on my own. I've been hurt too much to be able to trust.

Please tell me, is he treating me this way because of his past alcoholism?
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Old 08-03-2011, 01:11 PM
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I'm not fond of giving out advice, but *if I did* it would be to get back on birth control while you figure out what's next.

(This is coming from the 9+ months pregnant lady found out she was pregnant directly after dropping her husband off in rehab. JMHO.)
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Old 08-03-2011, 01:15 PM
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Hey Florence -

We rarely have sex but at this point I don't want to have it at all. Birth control!
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Old 08-03-2011, 01:22 PM
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I wonder if he's feeling very unstable in his sobriety right now and is taking it out on you? I only say that because my husband was sober for 6 years, and right before he fell off the wagon he went through all kinds of "mid-life crisis" type changes--saying he was miserable and crying all the time, and of course blaming me for all kinds of stuff--I didn't understand him, I sit there happy while he's miserable, etc. etc.

It was a matter of time before he fell off the wagon and never went back to sobriety.

In any case, the reasons are irrelevant--the fact is he is treating you badly. I do think Al-Anon would help. You need to find supportive people who will give you a reality check, so you don't feel vulnerable to believing that garbage.

I was in that place, and when they're tearing you down like that, you question your own good instincts and ability to stand up for yourself.
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Old 08-03-2011, 01:23 PM
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Hi,
I'd say that you married a bully, an abusive man.

Many abusive men have the ability to read women who are needy, vulnerable or lonely.

It has been shown that many women are preprogrammed to feel emotionally dependent on a man, they fear that they cannot be alone. Abusive men seem to seek out dependent women.

Do I agree with your SIL, no, to me, all that will do is make him more angery, and abusive.

Has he been married before? If so, what happened there? Generally,past behavior is a good indicator of future behavior.

If he is not interested in going forward with you, the house can be put up for sale. If he is on the mortgage he is equally responsible to pay the mortgage payment. You can find a apartment or a home that will rent to people who have pets.

Sounds like you are awfulizing, and projecting, this is not healthy for you to do.

Have you read Codependent No More by Melody Beattie? It may help you work through this situation with your husband.

Keep posting, keep reading around this forum, lots of knowledge here.

I am sorry that this is happening to you, you don't have to make any decisions today.
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Old 08-03-2011, 01:24 PM
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Hi Yorkie,

I whole-heartedly agree about getting back on birth control.

Also, it seems to me like you may need to step back from this (perhaps by taking your SIL's advice and developing the capacity to live for yourself), and decide what you want, considering the fact that your partner does not seem to want to be with you. Were I in your shoes, I would have a serious discussions with myself to work out what MY wants/needs/priorities are. It seems clear that you and your H do not share a lot of priorities. IMO, in answer to the question in your last post, you cannot place the blame for this horrid behaviour on your partner's past alcoholism. He is treating you the way he is treating you because he *chooses* to do so. Recoving from an addiction does not give anyone a valid excuse to mistreat their partners, friends or family.

In any case, once you've decided what you want to do, independently of what he does/thinks, perhaps you'll be in a better place, emotionally speaking, to devise a plan of action. You may not have money at the moment, but that situation can be corrected in time.
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Old 08-03-2011, 02:33 PM
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He has never been married before. I never saw this coming.
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Old 08-03-2011, 02:56 PM
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Never married, oh well, thought there may have been a clue there. So much for that idea!
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Old 08-03-2011, 08:34 PM
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Could he have possibly relapsed?
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Old 08-04-2011, 04:41 AM
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Pssssst. In case it all does go south...

On the house...

...there are plenty of singles out there who might be animal lovers and suitable house-mates to share a house with (you could easily pick up that $600 in rent, sharing the space). The fastest growing demographic in the US is single, living alone, so there is an increasing number of people to draw from.

There are always solutions...

Sorry about the treatment you are being subjected to, it is not considerate, sounds more like he's building a case to jettison the pod. I'm sorry for the terrible hurt it causes you.

CLMI
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Old 08-04-2011, 05:10 AM
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Thank you for all the help, encouragement and great ideas.

The Al Anon meeting went well. I am not religious so I am not sure about the higher power. They were working on making amends and I don't quite understand what I'd have to make amends for yet. My husband was texting me the whole time trying to find out where I was. I actually ignored him until I got home. I guess he wanted his dinner made? Not sure. I did get a sponsor who is 8 years older than me, everyone else was much older, so I hope we can relate to eachother. She is recovered for 7 years and in al anon for 2.

I am really just hoping that by the grace of God we can get back to where we were 4 years ago. Very sad.
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Old 08-04-2011, 10:11 AM
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I want to second the notion that alcoholism cannot be to blame for his behavior. One book I read that completely shifted my thinking about my relationship with my husband was "why does he do that?" He makes it perfectly clear that active alcoholism is not a cause for verbal abuse, or physical. My husband has been a righteous a**hole for years, always taking out his frustration on me. When I began to see it for what it was - unfair blame-shifting, I could separate myself from the attacks. That separation brought me a modicum of peace.

My husband has also said the same - he pushes me to get a response out of me...I'm supposed to argue back. Um, NO. I believe we have the right to respond, or not. For me, if someone is pushing hard, yelling, or being disrespectful, not listening, etc. I leave the room. I remember the change that Ghandi was able to present, without talking. I remember the courage it takes to care for yourself.

Anyway, just wanted to let you know I understand. I've wasted years wishing we could "go back" too. The thing is, all we ever have is now.
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Old 08-04-2011, 10:35 AM
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Dumb question. If alcoholism isn't to blame, should I be in Al Anon?
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Old 08-04-2011, 11:06 AM
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I can so relate to you...help me deal with my boyfriend and his ups and downs
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Old 08-04-2011, 11:09 AM
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Hi MichaelsGirl. What is going on with you. I am really interested in befriending someone like myself in a similar situation.
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Old 08-04-2011, 11:22 AM
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I thought I had wrote this...you and I seem to be going through the same thing except I am not married to this man. We are living together but I only want to go home after work because my kids are there. I used to hate to go to work because he was home but now he is going through getting sober and been sober for 15 days which is awesome but why am I getting the worse end of the deal? I dont think he was a big of an alcoholic as he claims but he was taking diet pills along with it that I didnt know about and he is a ex pot head and has been known to do taht when he is out with people and they are doing it and drinking...he doesnt know when to say no or when to stop and it was killing us so the last time he did it...i told him to get out thats when he said he would go to AA and has been since the night he stayed out all night on July 20th. But how do I deal with the roller coater emotions he puts me through...we dont talk anymore...he snaps at nothing or a question i ask that is simple...he doesnt hold me at night anymore...is it really a disease that I need to learn how to cope with or is it just somethign i need to get rid of ...like him all together "? I dont want to give up on him but I need help on how to help him... or is he avoiding me because he cant drink??
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Old 08-04-2011, 11:30 AM
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I have often wondered the same thing? He doesnt want me going with him just yet but I wonder if I should find another class to attend to try and deal with this or if i am wasting my time to try and help him
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Old 08-04-2011, 11:33 AM
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Originally Posted by yorkie173 View Post
Dumb question. If alcoholism isn't to blame, should I be in Al Anon?
Yorkie to answer your question, yes you should be in Al Anon because alcoholism is to blame for you putting up with living in a situation like you're in and what I think they were saying is you can't blame a person's personality all on the disease. There are jerks who have diabetes or cancer just like there are jerks who are alcoholics it's their real character.
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