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No support at home

Old 08-03-2011, 06:38 AM
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No support at home

Even though my hubby gave me mean looks and complained (before and after) whenever I was drinking, he will not accept that I have a problem. His solution and answer has always been "just stop after 1 or 2". He doesn't get it.
Now that I have stopped drinking (and its only been ten days) he says things like "Oh great, so now I have to drink alone" like I don't want to be with him or something. He is really threatened by my sobriety.

I've tried to talk with him - but he doesn't want to hear it. Sometimes I fear that I will start drinking again just to please him. He is very insecure and doesn't like this change in our relationship.
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Old 08-03-2011, 07:05 AM
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Don't drink to please your husband. You need to protect your sobriety and make it your main goal.

I'm only on day 3, but I, too, worry about my relationship with my husband in my sobriety. We have been enjoying drinking together for 21 years and now things will be different. He can have one or two drinks and stop. I don't expect him to stop drinking because I am. But I am nervous about our relationship changing due to this as our marriage has been under duress for the past couple years, and we are finally getting into a better place.

I guess I'm not giving an opinion, I think I am interested in what others have to say about this topic as well.

I do know (as one of my previous counselors pounded into my head) that sobriety is your main goal and you should do everything you can to protect it, even if it seems like your being selfish. It's a very good reason to be selfish.
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Old 08-03-2011, 07:11 AM
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The non problematic drinker & nonalcoholic don't understand.

This is why there is a stigma with my disease of alcoholism.

I have no experience (ha ha) to share. My family prefers to think of me as an untreated bipolar person.

They really think drinking is a choice. How often does hubby drink?

Maybe he has a problem (if you do) and doesn't think he does or doesn't want to admit it.

The AA book states, "Who wants to admit complete defeat?"
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Old 08-03-2011, 07:14 AM
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Only my opinion. Counseling? As a suggestion and use one with knowledge of this disease, if chosen.

Opinion, just an opinion, not advice.
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Old 08-03-2011, 07:15 AM
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A relationship must have foundations more solid than drinking together. The things you like that have included alcohol for both should still be enjoyable if only one is drinking alcohol. If not, than the central theme might be drinking and not the activity or talking or whatever. In which case there may be another problem altogether. Sometimes a partner is treatened by sobriety because on some level they may be questioning or feeling threatened by their own consumption. Talk to your husband about your feelings and fears, hopefully he will understand that you have more in common and more to share than drink. In any case don't give in. Find outside sober support. If hubby can't deal with it its his problem. Best to you.
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Old 08-03-2011, 07:21 AM
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I hear ya about the hubby thing. As I've stated in other posts, my husband is a manager at a liquor store and his whole life is about trying new liquor and beer to sell in his store. We have drank together throughout the years and it was the same sort of thing that you described-- nasty looks, etc. but not really understanding. I was pretty angry for awhile that he didn't understand. I heard "just drink on the weekends" or "just have a couple" so many times I can't even tell you. Eventually I had to realize the obvious-- this is my problem. My husband absolutely does not understand, but I guess he doesn't really have to. I need to focus on myself and surround myself with people who DO understand what I'm going through. My husband is still there and still as supportive as he can be, but I don't look to him for help with this.
I would say just try as hard as you can to concentrate on yourself and your sobriety. Maybe try talking to your husband about how much you want to stay sober and explain it makes it harder when he makes comments like that. It shouldn't matter if he really thinks you're an alcoholic or not-- labels aren't necessary... your desire to quit drinking is enough and should be enough for him as well.
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Old 08-03-2011, 07:40 AM
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I'm so lucky. Alcohol has played such a painful part in our marriage that he decided to quit with me. I've relapsed several times but he hasn't. Only problem is codependence. He had an alarm set yesterday to talk to me about alcohol but i'd already beat him to the punch!

My suggestion is to go on a nice walk or do something soothing and a situation where alcohol will be the furthest thing from his mind and tell him that you're feeling like you two have been having trouble communicating and that you really feel that both of you would benifit from a session or two of couples counseling just to learn better skills. You can both work out any hidden frustrations with a neutral third party. Let him know he doesn't have to commit to lots of sessions but a couple couldn't hurt (so he doesn't feel backed into a corner). Sorry i'm long winded but I hope it gives you a viable option.
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Old 08-03-2011, 07:50 AM
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I'm by no means in your shoes, i'm not even married to begin with, but this is my story:

I got to know my ex through casual drinking and very soon we were partying like no end. When we decided to get together, she managed to put a fullstop to everything instantly, whereas i didnt want to. I was under the illusion that drinking kept me confident and all. Boy was i wrong. 2 1/2 years later, i myself decided i had to end things with her for not wanting to hurt her further.

I guess what im trying to say is, in my case at least, if only I had helped myself and started proving to her how beautiful life can be without alcohol, somehow she would have understood. As DisplacedGRITS said, counseling would do good even if only for a few sessions.

Best of luck.
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Old 08-03-2011, 08:01 AM
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I quit drinking once for 2 1/2 years. I did it to lose weight. I had a stubborn 15 lbs that had to go. I lost the 15 in less than a year, but continued to not drink. I didn't want to, the smell of beer would get me sick. I felt so much better than.

My H made comments to me all the time. Prior to quitting, he would call me an alcoholic, now that I was drinking he would call me "a saint", sarcastically, ask me if I thought I was perfect. Would tell me that he would have to stop after work and drink in a bar if I did not drink with him. Told me I was boring. We fought a lot, after he would apologize, he would ask me to go out to a bar with him, and have a "couple. My H is an alcoholic also.

Things got so bad that I did go back to drinking. And I regret it. I also had to leave my H, and we are now divorced.

Whatever you do, please do not go back to drinking for him. You are doing the best thing possible for your life.
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Old 08-03-2011, 08:04 AM
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I think what you need to remember is that you are making a major change in your life and it affects you both as a couple. Therefore, it's not surprising that your husband feels somewhat threatened by the changes you are making. Most people don't like change and try to avoid it, and he probably wonders what will happen now. Just focus on your recovery and he will see the benefits of a sober partner.
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Old 08-03-2011, 08:33 AM
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Right now he's probably having to face his own problems, you are working on yourself, so he doesn't have you to blame everything on anymore.

Keep working on you, for you. You may have to put him on selective mute for a bit, but let him know that you find his words to be sabotaging to your process and you don't appreciate it.

If he's going to act like a kid talk to him like one. "If you can't say anything nice don't say it at all".
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Old 08-03-2011, 09:18 AM
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I know when I quit drinking and using, a lot of the relationships in my life warranted a second look once I had a clear head. I had to make a lot of changes in my life to get where I am.

The good thing is, you don't 'need' him to get it.. he wont get it, and that's just the way it is. I hope you're getting some other outside support, though, are you going to meetings or seeing a counselor or anything like that?
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Old 08-03-2011, 09:59 AM
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I guess this is what I was posting the other day, I told a former drinking buddy I'd quit for over 5 months, he didnt understand, he remarked that it is all in my head that I just need to stop after a few.

I was angry at first, but really it's so true that we dont need them to get it, just as Smacked said, outside support is vital...
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Old 08-03-2011, 10:07 AM
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725, that's a tough one. As my opinion differs greatly from the majority regarding support, well... You'll see soon enough once you read the book you mentioned ordering recently. No outside support is necessary, it's just an added plus when others understand. However, I can't imagine how frustrating it must be to have your husband not get that you have an addiction to alcohol. He may be so lost in his own feelings he just can't relate right now.

I never had that problem... As it was always obvious to others my drinking wasn't "normal" and that I needed some type of help to cease it.
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Old 08-03-2011, 10:18 AM
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My husband and I are in the strong routine of at least a bottle of wine nightly each while watching movies, etc. We can be out at something and need to stop for a bottle at 10pm. He's quit with me - today is only day 2. I am concerned because he wants to "just drink on weekends" He has a guys night to a football game on Friday and I know already there will be drinking then. I know he supports this but I know once he has Friday he'll want Saturday night with wine and movies again. He doesn't think I'll be able to cut 100% and when he realizes I'm not joining him I hope it goes smoothly. I've communicated it and his response is "ya... ok".

Stick to it - You don't want it, you know you're better off without it. Give him time to absorb it too, it's a big lifestyle change, might just take him a bit to get used to.

Amy - Sorry.... you had been doing so well when he dragged you down. Super happy you are back on the right path.
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Old 08-03-2011, 10:18 AM
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Put your worries about your husband aside right now... Yes, it looks like he will drink alone... and, it will be up to HIM to get over it.

I have experience with this. I will tell you that it got much better for my wife and I. Things are different. I won't lie... but we are working through it and we are very happy to grow old with each other...



Get yourself recovered. You can't help your husband at the same time.
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Old 08-03-2011, 11:40 AM
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So many have gone through the same struggles. Thanks for your input. You helped me think it through.

I blame myself for hubby not taking me seriously. He never knew how much I drank ... I hid it well. We were drinking nightly. For him it would just be a beer or two. (a little more on the weekends) For me, it was a bottle of wine or more each night. (I'd fill the empty bottle 1/2 full with water & food coloring so he didn't know it was gone.) For a time, he drank wine with me thinking that then I wouldn't drink as much. When that happened, I'd start a second bottle and hide it under the sink until morning.

For the past few months, I was having a few drinks before he got home from work - and then drinking the usual amount with him as well - thats when I realized I had a real problem.

I think hubby would rather push the subject under the rug - he (we) have so much we're dealing with right now. It is overwhelming. And thats okay - I really don't need his approval - I quit for ME.

My best course of action is to "wait it out". Once he sees that I'm serious about quitting, I know he'll support my decision. He desperately wants to see me happy again.
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Old 08-03-2011, 11:51 AM
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Ps:

PS: I've never admitted that to anyone before.
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Old 08-03-2011, 11:53 AM
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Good for you, feels good, doesn't it? Gettin' honest and all that.

Don't worry, we've heard it before
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Old 08-03-2011, 12:26 PM
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I second Mark's good for you!
My wife still drinks and more than just one or two, but not an alcoholic . . .yet. My quitting was fully supported by her, and I think she was amazed that I really meant it this time. I also quit smoking 3 packs of smokes a day, and that is not an exaggeration at all. She still smokes also but outside or under the kitchen vent hood which is a real one to outside.

I did notice that she was programmed to be defensive about the same time every night and that would be consistent and our old fights which always happened then. Now that I am sober I think she still tries to argue at that time out of habit! LOL! I shut it down with a simple rein yourself in a bit or I can go elsewhere with no drama. It took me awhile to realize that while I was drinking she got away with a lot of stuff, and since I have stopped we went through a great time for a few months, a rough time for a few months, and we are coming back to an even keel again as I approach my first year of sobriety. The bad thing about being sober is I am seeing the alcohol use progress in her. So we will have to go through this again with her in the hot seat at some time in the future if we are typical and maybe she stops before I did and we are lucky that can be avoided. For now she can stop. And it is none of my business until it becomes a problem for me. I would not have appreciated her doing that to me before I had a problem.
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