ajangel

I have come to believe that with some people, no matter what is available to them, no matter what advice is given, no matter what help is given, they truly do not want to get better. They thrive on the termoil in there life. If there is nothing going on, they create it. They want to be the martyr. No one loves me. Everyone in my life has hurt me. Live is unfair. I will never be normal. It's not my fault. I was abused. I was mistreated. You don't understand how bad my life was. Placing blame on their parents, husbands, wives, friends, cops, teachers etc. Always an excuse as to why they cannot accomplish getting their life together. I have a sister like that. Although she has now been sober for a year, she cannot go 5 minutes without being totally negative, blaming everyone else for her problems. When offered a real solution and sometimes financial support, there is always a reason why her life is destined to be horrible. Our conversations for the last 15 years consists of 5 minutes of me telling her how things are going, 45 minutes to 2 hours of how bad her life is. It is frustrating. I have always been there for her but I am beginning to get so stressed out by our conversations. When does one start becoming selfish and say "enough". I can't help you anymore. You need to find peace and happiness and you are draining me emotionally? I have my down days. But I find something positive every day of my life. I have taught my girls that. My sobriety is too fragile right now to deal with her daily tragedies. She really doesn't want help. She wants to be the victim for the rest of her life.

MsJax

Wow, thank you for saying this. I'm dealing with someone in my life right now who is addicted to blaming just as you described but was beating myself up & feeling like I wasn't compassionate for being totally mentally exhausted from dealing with this person. Fortunately she isn't a family member & perhaps I need to wash my hands of her for my health. I agree with your points.

doggonecarl

Some people love their despair. Addicts in particular, I believe.


No, your sister probably doesn't want your help. I discovered long ago that people, even when they appear to be asking for help or advice, are really just asking us to listen.

LifeRecovery

lpangel

I learned an awful lot of how I reacted to people like this as I started Al-Anon. It has helped me immensely in learning loving detachment with people.

For me it has helped not just working on me and the relationships in my life with loved ones that are living with addiction, but many other areas of my life.

ajangel

MsJax, It may be time for you to do that. I can't just walk away from my sister though. I often wonder if they are like that because us co-dependent people allow them to be that way. If more people said no, I can't help you, maybe they would be forced to truly help themselves. But then again, I hate the idea of my sister not having someone to be there for her. Double edge sword I guess. I wish I wasn't so compassionate.

Ranger

I know it's difficult, LPN, and I don't want to come off as flippant. But, consider there is another word to describe someone who "cares" so much they are willing to put him/herself at significant physical risk, and that word isn't "compassionate".

Sobriety is your greatest treasure. Without it you have nothing, least of which the ability to practice compassion.

ajangel

You hit the nail on the head. You frequently say the right things at the right times Ranger. Gives me that "Ah ha" moment. I am not going to focus on the negative today. I have a day planned with my daughter and I am going to enjoy every single sober moment of it.

newby1961

I believe everyone has their own journey and they recover at their own pace not at how others want or expect them to.

I played the blame game for years too and even in sobriety till I worked the steps and found out the problem was me and how I reacted to others.

I blamed being adopted, being picked on in school you name it I was the lone victim.

When I started to grow up and grow in recovery I took responsibility but that is not saying that I can sometimes still fall into it.

Its kind of ironic, that when we are blaming others for their blaming ways, how is that any different from what they are doing?

In the Big Book it talks about the alcoholic being sick and we should feel compassion for them not anger. I think that is easier said than done.

Anyway just a few thoughts I had when I was reading all the comments take what you need and leave the rest.

stugotz

Addicted to the chaos..... I know that feeling well.

ajangel

I was thinking after I wrote the post that it seems as though I sound like an uncaring hypocrite. I frequently put my feelings and needs aside for others. I am sounding a bit selfish. I am attempting to find sobriety and peace daily. I need to stop feeding into her drama as it constantly leaves me emotionally drained. I don't say anything to her about it. I do not want to hurt her feelings. It is time to put my needs first. I have to. To me its a matter of life or death.

ajangel

Me too. But I am trying to change that by remaining sober and working the with my sponsor on the 12 steps. I have a lot of work on myself to do. ALOT

sugarbear1

I don't know how to set boundaries, but today I am practicing.
I could make suggestions like:
set a time limit for talking
tell her how much phone time you have to talk
Listen to her
Get off phone gently with words
Pray and learn...be grateful and possibly journal your thoughts
share with sponsor
Move on.

At 77 days, my character defects, pain I numbed, and other yucky me stuff is glaring at me.

I don't like it and am journaling & sharing with my sponsor. So far, I instigate with others, I pretend to know it all, I am angry, and I just want negative attention...

Hopefully I will be able to think more before reacting, saying, or doing.

I wish you a pleasant day.

Oh, here's a new one; I know who not to hold hands with at the end of an AA meeting-this male gave me a thumb rub that creeped me out!

ajangel

That would have creeped me out to. You should have gripped his hand hard as a not so gentle reminder to knock it off. Yes. I too have a lot to work on. My sponsor told me yesterday to write down the positive things about myself and to start writing a journal. It's not the positive things I need to work on. I am not so insecure with myself that I don't believe in my positive.

stugotz

I should have written that "I KNEW that feeling well" And yes the steps promise to erase that feeling as well as many others.

sugarbear1

I berated my self for too long and today I must follow directions AND write my positives

I breathed well today
I am sober

That was list 1. Shoulda heard my sponsor discuss that with me!