My last chance in recovery
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2011
Location: Malaysia
Posts: 88
My last chance in recovery
Hi all. I've been reading the forums for about 2 days now, just when i finally decided to quit drinking, again.
I think its just best I started from the beginning, sorry if its too long..
It all started in early 2006 after my brother had died from an accident late 2005. It took a good blow to me as i refused to talk to my brother who was overseas pursuing his PHD. And after that i realised it was too late for me to ever talk to him, and I started drinking.
My drink of choice was either vodka or strong beer. I hardly drink outside, i try to keep my drinking to myself, a loner one could say. I was still studying my degree then, and after i completed it at end 2007, i got my 1st job as an engineer. It was a 6 month contract and by the time my contract was ending i got a good job offer from a respectable electronics company ( you know the one with the big "M" logo? :P ) But i refused to admit I had a drinking problem.
I kept telling myself i can control my drinking when i hardly could. I would stop for weeks ( cant count the number of times i did that ), and then start back saying just a beer or 2, and it would work fine up to a point it got out of control again. I was forced to quit my job there after 6 months or i faced getting fired.
I was jobless less than a month, and got a job as a telecommunications engineer, it was a site job. It was then i was still drinking and once I had brought my ex-gf along for a 4 day job in Langkawi, and since beer is duty free there, I started drinking like crazy and didnt bother anything about her. I finished up my assignment in the 1st day and spent the rest just getting up to get drunk and sleeping back again.
She was on the verge of ending things with me, and i told myself then i would want to stop drinking, and i pretty much succeeded, for 6 months that is. Sometime end of 2009, i decided to toke on some pot, which incidentally my close friend's younger brother has been smoking for god knows how many years. I was his excuse to leave the house, and he would smoke up in front of me, each and everyday asking me if i would want a hit, I dont know what got over me that day, and I said yes.
After that, things started to get from bad to worse to extremely bad. From weed, i slowly progressed to ketamine, erimin 5 (a kind of benzo similar to valium) and of course the alcoholism started back. My parents caught me with ketamine and lots of erimin 5 pills and i managed to let it all go. That was one year ago, but i still had not realised that the most important thing i had to let go was alcohol.
Eventually, on september 2010 i quit my job as a telecommunications engineer, and wanted a desk job back again, i had quite a large sum of savings, so I was jobless for 2 months, pretty much just drinking day in and day out.
When i started running out on cash, i started to apply for a job and got one at HP. i worked there for 2 months, and had to quit cuz of my drinking problem, or i faced getting fired.
Then i returned back home, trying out to do my own business, but my parents put it quite nicely "you're not trying to run your own business, you're trying to make money and drink at the same time"
My birthday came June 13th, and again i managed to stop for 2 weeks, and once i started with just 2 beers as a result of going to dinner with a client, i was back at being a heavy alcoholic in 2 days.
I think the reason that scares me the most is the fear of relapsing again. I turned 26 this year, and i have loving parents and loving friends who are there to help me out. Its now 2 days being sober, Im having the shakes, sweats, super vivid dreams, the usual.
I not only plan to, but have to put an end to my drinking. It is in these past two days i've acknowledged that i can never be an occasional drinker. Its either an alcoholic or none at all, for my whole life.
I have been reading a lot of posts and see that this community is very helpful to others and it is my hope you all could help me in giving pointers how to succeed this time.
Thank you for taking the time to read this loooong post.
I think its just best I started from the beginning, sorry if its too long..
It all started in early 2006 after my brother had died from an accident late 2005. It took a good blow to me as i refused to talk to my brother who was overseas pursuing his PHD. And after that i realised it was too late for me to ever talk to him, and I started drinking.
My drink of choice was either vodka or strong beer. I hardly drink outside, i try to keep my drinking to myself, a loner one could say. I was still studying my degree then, and after i completed it at end 2007, i got my 1st job as an engineer. It was a 6 month contract and by the time my contract was ending i got a good job offer from a respectable electronics company ( you know the one with the big "M" logo? :P ) But i refused to admit I had a drinking problem.
I kept telling myself i can control my drinking when i hardly could. I would stop for weeks ( cant count the number of times i did that ), and then start back saying just a beer or 2, and it would work fine up to a point it got out of control again. I was forced to quit my job there after 6 months or i faced getting fired.
I was jobless less than a month, and got a job as a telecommunications engineer, it was a site job. It was then i was still drinking and once I had brought my ex-gf along for a 4 day job in Langkawi, and since beer is duty free there, I started drinking like crazy and didnt bother anything about her. I finished up my assignment in the 1st day and spent the rest just getting up to get drunk and sleeping back again.
She was on the verge of ending things with me, and i told myself then i would want to stop drinking, and i pretty much succeeded, for 6 months that is. Sometime end of 2009, i decided to toke on some pot, which incidentally my close friend's younger brother has been smoking for god knows how many years. I was his excuse to leave the house, and he would smoke up in front of me, each and everyday asking me if i would want a hit, I dont know what got over me that day, and I said yes.
After that, things started to get from bad to worse to extremely bad. From weed, i slowly progressed to ketamine, erimin 5 (a kind of benzo similar to valium) and of course the alcoholism started back. My parents caught me with ketamine and lots of erimin 5 pills and i managed to let it all go. That was one year ago, but i still had not realised that the most important thing i had to let go was alcohol.
Eventually, on september 2010 i quit my job as a telecommunications engineer, and wanted a desk job back again, i had quite a large sum of savings, so I was jobless for 2 months, pretty much just drinking day in and day out.
When i started running out on cash, i started to apply for a job and got one at HP. i worked there for 2 months, and had to quit cuz of my drinking problem, or i faced getting fired.
Then i returned back home, trying out to do my own business, but my parents put it quite nicely "you're not trying to run your own business, you're trying to make money and drink at the same time"
My birthday came June 13th, and again i managed to stop for 2 weeks, and once i started with just 2 beers as a result of going to dinner with a client, i was back at being a heavy alcoholic in 2 days.
I think the reason that scares me the most is the fear of relapsing again. I turned 26 this year, and i have loving parents and loving friends who are there to help me out. Its now 2 days being sober, Im having the shakes, sweats, super vivid dreams, the usual.
I not only plan to, but have to put an end to my drinking. It is in these past two days i've acknowledged that i can never be an occasional drinker. Its either an alcoholic or none at all, for my whole life.
I have been reading a lot of posts and see that this community is very helpful to others and it is my hope you all could help me in giving pointers how to succeed this time.
Thank you for taking the time to read this loooong post.
I'm here to learn!
Join Date: Sep 2010
Location: I'm on it!
Posts: 2,038
Welcome to SR, Suresh!
Quitting without support can be nearly impossible. I would suggest trying to find a support group meeting to attend ASAP. AA is a good place to start if you can find a meeting in your area.
If you have trouble find local meetings, there are meetings available over the internet (through Skype) and also there is a wonderful chat room here on SR, not to mention the message boards.
Whatever you do, please don't try to go it alone. It's unnecessarily difficult.
I relapsed many times, by the way, before my current period of sobriety, and would caution you against thinking of any time as your "last chance of recovery". Any time is a great time for recovery, no need to think with such finality! Think instead "best chance for recovery"
Relapse is very common, so don't set yourself up for failure by thinking that if it doesn't work this time you've lost all hope. There's always room for hope.
Best of luck! I'm so glad you've decided to post here.
-Josh
Quitting without support can be nearly impossible. I would suggest trying to find a support group meeting to attend ASAP. AA is a good place to start if you can find a meeting in your area.
If you have trouble find local meetings, there are meetings available over the internet (through Skype) and also there is a wonderful chat room here on SR, not to mention the message boards.
Whatever you do, please don't try to go it alone. It's unnecessarily difficult.
I relapsed many times, by the way, before my current period of sobriety, and would caution you against thinking of any time as your "last chance of recovery". Any time is a great time for recovery, no need to think with such finality! Think instead "best chance for recovery"
Relapse is very common, so don't set yourself up for failure by thinking that if it doesn't work this time you've lost all hope. There's always room for hope.Best of luck! I'm so glad you've decided to post here.
-Josh
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2011
Location: Malaysia
Posts: 88
I do eventually plan to go to AA meetings, but its around 100km from my place, and right now im just waiting for a few days for my appetite to be back to normal. I've lost a LOT of weight, as I hardly eat in order to keep my stomach empty for drinks. In the course of the past one year, I have been admitted twice to the hospital for gastritis, all because of drinking.
I agreed to see a counselor this weekend, and i guess i have to take it one day at a time?
I agreed to see a counselor this weekend, and i guess i have to take it one day at a time?
I'm here to learn!
Join Date: Sep 2010
Location: I'm on it!
Posts: 2,038
Originally Posted by Suresh 
I agreed to see a counselor this weekend, and i guess i have to take it one day at a time?
One day at a time is a good way to look at things, especially when you're starting out in your recovery. Like a lot of people, when I started I had to focus on one hour at a time, or one minute at a time.
Best of luck to you, you will do great!
-Josh
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2011
Location: Malaysia
Posts: 88
Hi eJoshua! to be honest, i'm actually excited to see a counselor and am counting the days to get there. I personally think it will help me a lot. Even though my parents are here for me all the way, both of them dont drink/smoke, and even they themselves told me that as much as they want to help me, they are at a loss as to how to help me out.
Which again, makes me excited that in a few days time i can see a professional and let go everything. But before that, my goal for today is just to make it through without having a drink, and right now as im getting my appetite back, everytime i feel the urge to drink, i just have a small meal.
Which again, makes me excited that in a few days time i can see a professional and let go everything. But before that, my goal for today is just to make it through without having a drink, and right now as im getting my appetite back, everytime i feel the urge to drink, i just have a small meal.
I'm here to learn!
Join Date: Sep 2010
Location: I'm on it!
Posts: 2,038
Originally Posted by Suresh
Hi eJoshua! to be honest, i'm actually excited to see a counselor and am counting the days to get there. I personally think it will help me a lot. Even though my parents are here for me all the way, both of them dont drink/smoke, and even they themselves told me that as much as they want to help me, they are at a loss as to how to help me out.
Which again, makes me excited that in a few days time i can see a professional and let go everything. But before that, my goal for today is just to make it through without having a drink, and right now as im getting my appetite back, everytime i feel the urge to drink, i just have a small meal.
Which again, makes me excited that in a few days time i can see a professional and let go everything. But before that, my goal for today is just to make it through without having a drink, and right now as im getting my appetite back, everytime i feel the urge to drink, i just have a small meal.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2010
Location: UK
Posts: 1,130
Dear Suresh
Thank you so much for telling your story here. I think you have done very well to look back on your drinking history and to identify the consequences in terms of your career, health and relationships. I think it's great you are going to see a counsellor and I hope that will be helpful.
Sadly, a lot of people find that the consequences of their drinking are very serious but somehow that doesn't give them quite enough push to stop drinking altogether. It's a good start to be aware of how these habits damage your life and those around you. The trouble with me is that I had a voice inside my head which said: "OK, you've caused all this trouble, rather than face it all, have another drink and pretend it's not there and if drinking again causes more trouble, it doesn't matter because everything's a mess anyway."
I now realise that was the voice of my alcoholism talking. Even stopping for a few days helped quiet that voice and I began to see things a lot more clearly.
The way to make a real change is to embrace a programme of recovery. It seems you are ready to do that. Do please talk to your counsellor about this - hopfully they will be able to guide you towards somethng that will be suitable for your circumstances.
Thank you so much for telling your story here. I think you have done very well to look back on your drinking history and to identify the consequences in terms of your career, health and relationships. I think it's great you are going to see a counsellor and I hope that will be helpful.
Sadly, a lot of people find that the consequences of their drinking are very serious but somehow that doesn't give them quite enough push to stop drinking altogether. It's a good start to be aware of how these habits damage your life and those around you. The trouble with me is that I had a voice inside my head which said: "OK, you've caused all this trouble, rather than face it all, have another drink and pretend it's not there and if drinking again causes more trouble, it doesn't matter because everything's a mess anyway."
I now realise that was the voice of my alcoholism talking. Even stopping for a few days helped quiet that voice and I began to see things a lot more clearly.
The way to make a real change is to embrace a programme of recovery. It seems you are ready to do that. Do please talk to your counsellor about this - hopfully they will be able to guide you towards somethng that will be suitable for your circumstances.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2011
Location: Malaysia
Posts: 88
Originally Posted by endlesspatience
Dear Suresh
Thank you so much for telling your story here. I think you have done very well to look back on your drinking history and to identify the consequences in terms of your career, health and relationships. I think it's great you are going to see a counsellor and I hope that will be helpful.
Sadly, a lot of people find that the consequences of their drinking are very serious but somehow that doesn't give them quite enough push to stop drinking altogether. It's a good start to be aware of how these habits damage your life and those around you. The trouble with me is that I had a voice inside my head which said: "OK, you've caused all this trouble, rather than face it all, have another drink and pretend it's not there and if drinking again causes more trouble, it doesn't matter because everything's a mess anyway."
I now realise that was the voice of my alcoholism talking. Even stopping for a few days helped quiet that voice and I began to see things a lot more clearly.
The way to make a real change is to embrace a programme of recovery. It seems you are ready to do that. Do please talk to your counsellor about this - hopfully they will be able to guide you towards somethng that will be suitable for your circumstances.
Thank you so much for telling your story here. I think you have done very well to look back on your drinking history and to identify the consequences in terms of your career, health and relationships. I think it's great you are going to see a counsellor and I hope that will be helpful.
Sadly, a lot of people find that the consequences of their drinking are very serious but somehow that doesn't give them quite enough push to stop drinking altogether. It's a good start to be aware of how these habits damage your life and those around you. The trouble with me is that I had a voice inside my head which said: "OK, you've caused all this trouble, rather than face it all, have another drink and pretend it's not there and if drinking again causes more trouble, it doesn't matter because everything's a mess anyway."
I now realise that was the voice of my alcoholism talking. Even stopping for a few days helped quiet that voice and I began to see things a lot more clearly.
The way to make a real change is to embrace a programme of recovery. It seems you are ready to do that. Do please talk to your counsellor about this - hopfully they will be able to guide you towards somethng that will be suitable for your circumstances.
Thank you very much for the words of comfort. The past few hours, i was very sleepy, but i refrained from sleeping as i wanted to get my sleeping pattern back to normal here. Its gonna be 10pm, and i in the past say 5 hours, i've had 4 meals, and my shaking hands are diminishing. I could hardly hold the spoon while eating porridge during lunch, but my last meal, my hands were hardly shaking. The only thing that i am yet to do is get a proper shave. I'm scared that i might cut myself from the shaking hands, but i'm confident that i can achieve that tomorrow.
To all others,
Is it normal to having such an appetite? I did take anti-vomit medication because previously, i was so used to eating heavily, the next minute id rush to the toilet, puke as much as I can out, and start drinking. Its gonna be 3 days being sober now, and the only thing that I have to get through is the insomnia and when i do manage to sleep an hour or two, the super vivid dreams.
Even though this is my 3rd or 4th time trying to stop drinking, this is the 1st time i'm actually feeling confident and not so s**tty over the whole thing. Instead of my mind secretly craving for another drink, i'm actually looking forward for another sober day tomorrow.
I guess i'm feeling like this because i took it a point to list out in my mind to what extent drinking had cost me, and i can safely say,
- My addiction has caused me my job
- My addiction has cost me the most caring gf i ever had
- My addiction was about to cost me my relationship with my parents
- My addiction has degraded my health considerably, I need much eating and exercising to get my weight back to normal. One look at me and no one will deem me healthy.
- My addiction has caused my circle of friends to become very small
- My addiction has caused more blackouts then i can ever remember
- My addiction has caused me to have insomnia, suffer from depression and anxiety
- My addiction has caused me to be involved in accidents, all not involving other people, but me banging my car to a sidewalk, divider, etc, i think i have to be thankful to god i was not involved in anything serious
- My addiction has left me with almost no money, and raked up my credit card bills amounting to almost MYR20K
- My addiction has caused me to realise that my peers are all starting to settle down in life, in good positions, whereas I am still at square one (basically)
I know I still have a long way to go, but the past 2+days ive been sober, anytime i have the urge to drink, i just eat a small meal and think about the list above, and how i'm going to repair the mistakes i've made.. I know it will be hard to do it alone, my counseling session starts saturday, but till then, I am thankful to god for having such a caring community here and such caring parents.
Do wish me luck!
Crazy Cat Lady
Join Date: Aug 2011
Location: Seattle, WA
Posts: 2,661
Hi Suresh and welcome! I'm on day 5 (or day 6, I forgot) and went through all that fun stuff. Drink lots of diluted Blue Gatorade and try some V-8 if you can stomach it. They helped me a lot. I wish you all the luck in the world on your recovery and look forward to sharing the journey with you. Take care, be well and see a doctor if you can.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2011
Location: Malaysia
Posts: 88
I was just pondering a point:
Previously i was so proud of myself for being able to hold my alcohol. I was proud that i am small sized and would always be the last to get knocked out.
WHAT A FOOL I WAS THEN!
Previously i was so proud of myself for being able to hold my alcohol. I was proud that i am small sized and would always be the last to get knocked out.
WHAT A FOOL I WAS THEN!
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2011
Location: Malaysia
Posts: 88
My 3rd day:
Today has not been the best of days for me. I tried to sleep around 11.45pm last night, and all night long it was night sweats and when i did manage an hour or so of sleep it was the usual vivid dreams.
Basically i was just tossing and turning. Up till 6am, i managed to get some proper sleep till 8ish and was awakened by noises outside, and again was tossing and turning. My parents constantly waking me up didnt help either. I finally managed to pull myself out of bed to have breakfast at 11am because i was too hungry. Immediately went back to sleep then but was awakened by my dad asking me to have lunch at 1+, then again at 2+, then again at 3, till i got fed up and had my lunch.
Now, i'm extremely sleepy but cant sleep, accompanied by severe grumpiness... At least i can be happy in knowing that even though how bad i feel now, my mind isnt asking me to go back to the bottle.
Thats the only thing thats keeping me going now. I am going to try get some sleep now, dont want to be feeling like a zombie the whole day. Will update when im up later, hopefully it'll be better!
Today has not been the best of days for me. I tried to sleep around 11.45pm last night, and all night long it was night sweats and when i did manage an hour or so of sleep it was the usual vivid dreams.
Basically i was just tossing and turning. Up till 6am, i managed to get some proper sleep till 8ish and was awakened by noises outside, and again was tossing and turning. My parents constantly waking me up didnt help either. I finally managed to pull myself out of bed to have breakfast at 11am because i was too hungry. Immediately went back to sleep then but was awakened by my dad asking me to have lunch at 1+, then again at 2+, then again at 3, till i got fed up and had my lunch.
Now, i'm extremely sleepy but cant sleep, accompanied by severe grumpiness... At least i can be happy in knowing that even though how bad i feel now, my mind isnt asking me to go back to the bottle.
Thats the only thing thats keeping me going now. I am going to try get some sleep now, dont want to be feeling like a zombie the whole day. Will update when im up later, hopefully it'll be better!
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2011
Location: Malaysia
Posts: 88
Here i am, up and about and feeling kinda good actually.. I'm just kind of depressed because my counseling session cannot be held on saturday but has to be postponed to early next week!
Nonetheless, I find comfort in sharing here, that should do it for now! But i realise that the 1st two days are easy, the 3rd is slightly harder and from what i've read here, it could get worse tomorrow and the day after, starting to get better only after a week or so?
My mind is still cloudy and i find it hard to do anything solid, as in anything that i need to use my brain a lot. Is that normal?? How long will that last? I know right now i'm in no shape, body and mind, to start back work, but i was hoping that i can start working by 2 months time.
Its dinnertime!!
Nonetheless, I find comfort in sharing here, that should do it for now! But i realise that the 1st two days are easy, the 3rd is slightly harder and from what i've read here, it could get worse tomorrow and the day after, starting to get better only after a week or so?
My mind is still cloudy and i find it hard to do anything solid, as in anything that i need to use my brain a lot. Is that normal?? How long will that last? I know right now i'm in no shape, body and mind, to start back work, but i was hoping that i can start working by 2 months time.
Its dinnertime!!
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