dwightwin

...is the term I've settled on for my current state of being. I've been lurking on these forums for quite awhile, so thought it might be cathartic to just describe my present situation, as I've never verbalized this to anyone, nor does anyone suspect (at least I don't think they do) that I have a problem. I've been drinking pretty heavily for at least five year or so pretty much everyday. It's really ramped up in the last two years.. I'm frequently shocked by how much of a bottle of liquor I've put down (1/3rd or so on a weekday night, half or more on a weekend night). In the morning, I can frequently feel my body protesting aging the previous nights poisoning. In typical High-Functioning style, I maintain a high-stress career, never drink on the job nor call in sick due to drinking, and maintain good relations with my colleagues (as well as friends and family). But my dark secret is that, over the course of several years, I've been drinking copious amounts of alcohol as soon as I can. It's become a pavlovian ritual....as soon as 5:30 or so hits (I typically get off work at 6), my mind starts drifting towards that first drink at home, which always leads to 3 -5 more until I stumble to bed and pass out (I live alone, so no one witnesses this ritualized self-abuse). Anway, after telling myself I was going to stop more times than I can count, I finally managed some progress: I'm on my 3rd day without a drink. It ain't fun (duh) but I lucked out...No DTs or anything like that but pretty severe insomnia, and night sweats (I feel surprisingly OK during the day). I found that it's absolutely key to break the ritual...I eat dinner BEFORE going home (which greatly diminishes my desire for booze). And last night, I got home and quite literally ran into my bedroom, changed into my workout clothes and ran out of my condo to the gym downstairs before my desire could fully take hold (sounds funny but it worked). Anyway, perhaps it's naive (and waaay to early) but I feel confident that I can overcome this and return to normal drinking as I once did. I do like my Scotch and pretentious Craft Beers (another hallmark of the High Functioning self-delusional boozer: drinking only the good stuff....Only ALCOHOLICS drink gut-rot). Have a looooong way to go, but so far so good...

Anna

Hi and Welcome,

Changing my rituals and routines worked really well for me, in the early days. I'm glad you're finding it helpful. For me, early evenings were the most difficult, so I began to head outside for a long walk right after supper.

If you are an alcoholic, you cannot return to drinking normally. Betty Ford describes the invisible line that you cross when you become addicted. You don't see it, but it's there and you can never go back. If you are not an alcoholic, then it should be no problem.

Dee74

Welcome dwight

I hope it works out like you plan it will...I hoped for the same, but for me it didn't matter how long I was 'good'...I found out I'd crossed that invisible line that Anna mentioned.

Whatever happens, you're sure to find support here

D

MycoolFitz

Thanks for the share. Reading your interesting story and your growing relationship and fixation on alcohol, I wonder why you contemplate attempting to "return" to normal drinking? You may be a high functioning alcohol abuser but it seems the dream of most alcoholics I've known, and I've known my fair share, is to return to that magical rhealm of social or normal drinker. I've never met one who got there yet. Anyhow, I hope the best for you.

farmer

Oh, I remember being there but it got much worse!

Welcome! Keep us posted on the high functioning and trick routine!

mhealer3

wh a lovely offering.
i truly appreciate your contribution friend.
i think you do well 2 take care of yourself now,
because u r obviously very bright, hard-working & sincere.
perhaps it's dealing w lonliness that causes us 2 sip.
i'm alone except 4 my dog, & it's sad cause i feel i have so much 2 offer someone, & i just hate wasting good stuff. hahaha.
truly, "it is not good 4 man 2 be alone" is how the Bible describes it.
i agree and i guess living apart from someone who values you is very unfair.
my strong consolation is knowing God Loves me, apart from anything i do.
i pray & hear good sermons sometimes.
it really helps me when i connect to the blessing that is: really knowing & feeling that God Loves me.
i'm not alone in the Spirit.
still hope we will each find someone who will treasure us...
blessings from new york state.

MycoolFitz

Me, I avoid going down memory lane with my drinking, they're all false memories in the long run that leave out the cost.

HFA

Oh I can relate. Why do you think my user name is HFA. Pressure professional job. Never missed work till the end. When I stopped no dts, but had the night sweats. I too would like to return to a beer now and then. I miss home brewing. Am I an alchy or just a heavy drinker? Don't know, but after 13 months sober I am not ready to test it. I think once your used to putting that much down (as I did too) , you'll want to drink more then you planned.

nandm

Welcome to SR

Zebra1275

Welcome.

The problem with drinking as much as you are, is that you can't keep it up forever. Alcoholism is progressive and as your drinking increases your body runs into "Father Time" and your ability to handle it decreases. Eventually things get pretty ugly and you're not a "high functioning" alcoholic, you're just an alcohoic.

saphira

Welcome. I clearly remember having downed "just" 1/3 of a bottle and thinking that wasn't so bad. It became a bottle a night habit for me-- just be careful. There's a reason they say this is a progressive disease. I never believed it until I found myself drinking so much more than I ever thought I could.
Good job on the exercising though....it's not silly that you ran in and changed. Do whatever you have to do to stay sober. Whatever "tricks" you can do that work-- DO THEM!! Best of luck...

DisplacedGRITS

Hi and welcome! So often it seems that people use the term high functioning as an excuse to keep on drinking but I see where you use it as a definition. Very cool perspective. Glad to meet you and hope to see you around. Seems like you've got a lot of good stories and advice to share.

Tippingpoint

Hello Dwightwin - you are me, I am you, we are one in the same....all of it.

Good job, never call in sick, man at night, man in the morning (my dad taught me this). Went from drinking on weekends to drinking 5 or 6 or 7 nights a week. The only difference is that I have a wife and kids, so I had to hide it to some extent. I never drank in the day either.

I also came into this with the same notion of just taking a break so that I could return to drinking in a more normal fashion...30 days was my initial commitment. Today I hit 50 days and I still don't have any plans to start drinking again. I really don't know what my plan is...just going to keep turning the days over.

Good luck with it all. I hope you feel better.

dwightwin

hey everybody, thank you so much for your support, words of encouragement and sharing your own struggles. I'm very glad I posted (btw I did the "run down to the gym" trick again after work...here's to day 4)

CarolD

Welcome...

I do hope you continue to do well...

eJoshua

Best of luck. Like others have said, I gave up the idea of moderating a long time ago, as I shortly realized that I wasn't interested in drinking moderately.

I too felt like I was a high functioning alcoholic for a long time. Turns out everyone in my life knew I had a problem except for me. I just read on here the other night "The only person I was really hiding my drinking from was myself." Can't remember who said that, but it's brilliant. PM me if you read this so I can quote you on it

Some things to chew on. Best of luck to you.
-Josh

NoFireWater

Welcome to SR and thanks for sharing your story. It sounds like you're choosing more healthy habits which is a great start. I considered myself highly functioning as well when it came to drinking. Also never missed work, never drank until everything got done that needed to,etc. Now I'm on day 11 off the sauce and I find myself way more highly functioning in every area of life. How's that for irony? I don't think I can ever be just a normal drinker, as appealing as that sounds, I don't think I ever have been just a social drinker even when very young. It may work for you though, and I wish you the best of luck in your plans!

ceneri

Me too & I'm still trying to get to that 30, which has led me to more doubt. Keep reading thru this site. We have much to learn.

Welcome!

Jeff63

Congrats on day 4! Good luck to your drinking career. So basically drink until you shake and sweat at night, stop for 1-2 weeks when your tolerance drops, catch a good buzz on 2-3 glasses of Johnnie Walker, increase the dosage every night to maintain the feces faced condition, rinse and repeat. By the way, how old are you?

Oh yeah, you'll find that all alcoholics have a lot to say always! (including me), so if you need saged advice when your cyclic approach causes liver damage, or mystery pains in your chest/ abdomen (do a search on the site) you know where to come!

We have a chat to so you can tell us all about your anxiety and panic attacks when they start, if they havn't already.