alcoholic father
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Join Date: Aug 2011
Location: america
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alcoholic father
hello. this is my first post on this website. i decided to put it here rather than in adult children of alcoholics because i do not really consider myself an adult yet. id like to share my story with whoever will listen, as i have only 2 people in my life who i can really talk about these things with.
as far back as i can remember, my father has always been markedly different and dysfunctional. i never grew attached to him, always preferring my mother, and never really had the experience of "having a father." hes always had an anger issue, and has once or twice been mildly violent with me when i was like 7 or 8. if my memory serves me correctly, he never really hurt me and was able to restrain himself, but i sometimes question the possibility that worse things happened and i was too young to remember/know what was going on.
he has always been a drinker, but not always a problematic one. hed have a couple beers a few nights a week when i was young, no big deal. when i was 12 was when things got worse. he quit his job and decided to work from home in our basement, rather unsuccessfully. it turned into his little alcoholic fort. he began drinking earlier in the day, everyday, but exclusively beer. this went on for three years, and then my parents got divorced when i was 15.
my father moved to a condo in a nearby town. this is when things got really bad. he stopped working all together, and drank from the moment he woke up to the moment he went to bed. beer soon turned to wine and wine turned to vodka. he developed numerous health issues from this. he has a lot of major heart problems, had a weird thing with his leg that i dont really remember the details of, and more recently had a stroke/encephalopothy event that landed him in the hospital and manifested wernicke-korsakoff syndrome. this was 10 month ago when i was 18.
my reaction to all of this has been different than one youd expect. at first it wasnt a big deal at all. i never considered him to be a real parent and we were never close, and admittedly, i was kinda happy when he left. i mean, i didnt hate him, but i never really liked him much either. i was indifferent, i guess. things have never been too problematic for me until now, and i am 19 now by the way.
one of the issues that has come about is my realization that ive missed out on an essential part of growing up: having a father. i mean, i knew my whole life that other kids had that relationship but i never really have it much thought. now i am realizing how the absence of that role has affected me. i never learned many of the things that fathers usually teach their sons. this is as broad as learning how to generally "be a man" to as specific as simple things like learning how to barbeque on a grill or change a flat tire. as a result i think ive developed a more feminine personality (sounds weird i know).
a deeper problem has to do with my concept of him and how it affects me. while i dont exactly hate or dislike him, its closer to being disgusted or repulsed by him. now that i am more aware and older i can see why hes an alcoholic. he has intense self-esteem issues and childish insecurities. hes mentally and physically weak and frail, dirty and lacks hygiene (now that hes an alcoholic), and utterly lacks responsibility and high-level intelligence. to be honest (i know i know sounds really f****d up) i see his mere existence as defying evolution and natural selection. these are horrible things to think but its the truth.
the thoughts regarding evolution have even deeper and worse implications. this makes me think about myself. i come from him genetically, so in a sense, i sort of am him, and i HATE this. i look look like him, and while i clearly exceed him in almost every aspect of personhood (id like to add how messed up and weird it is to be better (more responsible/intelligent/etc) than your parent in almost every way.), we do share some characteristics. besides physical appearance, i do have many of the same stupid insecurities, problems, and it seems like fate (many things that have happened to him also happened to me. i dont mean like horrible events but when ive talked to my grandmother about him (his mother), ive realized that we both developed similarly. a simple example is that we both quit playing sports at the same time. i dunno small things like that, its hard to explain, but i feel like i AM him. this scares me because, while i hate alcohol (partly because of him and partly because i dont enjoy the effects), i worry that i may develop alcoholism similar to him.)
the important thing is that i resemble him and i hate that, because it means that i disgust myself, that i defy evolution, that i am a horrible human being. these are really some of the most horrible things ive ever thought.
anyway, after his encephalopothy thing, he lived with his mother for a while, but is now back in his condo. he sent me a card for my birthday and asked me to come see him. i am contemplating this, because, while i generally have negative feelings towards him, i also feel sorry for him, because i think that none of this is his fault (its my own personal view that peoples faults, problems, issues, crimes, etc arent their own fault, but a product of genetics, circumstance, and causality). i also understand how this is for him, having had a lot of introverted problems in my own life and some struggles with drugs.
another kinda unrelated thing....i dunnno if anyone else who is close to an alcoholic experiences this but this had led me to have a horrible view of not just alcoholics, but people who casually drink, and even alcohol (especially beer) in general. i see alcoholics as the worst possible things (hesitate to even say person) that can exist and the scum of the earth. beer, in my opinion (less so wine and liquor for some reason) is just this horrible poison that causes gluttony, stupidity, poor hygiene, and just generally grossness. i see beer as a tool used by our society to repress people and keep them complacent and obedient.
^^thats all probably a little out of the scope of this forum, but i thought id add it. i dont mean to offend anybody considering most of the people here are probably alcoholics or drug addicts at some point in their life. like i said before ive had on and off struggles with drugs for 3-4 years now.
thank you to anybody that read that whole thing. i understand that it is very long and rambling and not the most professional. any comments/responses/feedback/advise or even just empathy is highly appreciated. like i said in the beginning i have hardly anyone in my life to discuss this with because my family is strictly conservative and messed up and refuses to acknowledge the existence of problems in the world....so i appreciate whatever. thanks again
as far back as i can remember, my father has always been markedly different and dysfunctional. i never grew attached to him, always preferring my mother, and never really had the experience of "having a father." hes always had an anger issue, and has once or twice been mildly violent with me when i was like 7 or 8. if my memory serves me correctly, he never really hurt me and was able to restrain himself, but i sometimes question the possibility that worse things happened and i was too young to remember/know what was going on.
he has always been a drinker, but not always a problematic one. hed have a couple beers a few nights a week when i was young, no big deal. when i was 12 was when things got worse. he quit his job and decided to work from home in our basement, rather unsuccessfully. it turned into his little alcoholic fort. he began drinking earlier in the day, everyday, but exclusively beer. this went on for three years, and then my parents got divorced when i was 15.
my father moved to a condo in a nearby town. this is when things got really bad. he stopped working all together, and drank from the moment he woke up to the moment he went to bed. beer soon turned to wine and wine turned to vodka. he developed numerous health issues from this. he has a lot of major heart problems, had a weird thing with his leg that i dont really remember the details of, and more recently had a stroke/encephalopothy event that landed him in the hospital and manifested wernicke-korsakoff syndrome. this was 10 month ago when i was 18.
my reaction to all of this has been different than one youd expect. at first it wasnt a big deal at all. i never considered him to be a real parent and we were never close, and admittedly, i was kinda happy when he left. i mean, i didnt hate him, but i never really liked him much either. i was indifferent, i guess. things have never been too problematic for me until now, and i am 19 now by the way.
one of the issues that has come about is my realization that ive missed out on an essential part of growing up: having a father. i mean, i knew my whole life that other kids had that relationship but i never really have it much thought. now i am realizing how the absence of that role has affected me. i never learned many of the things that fathers usually teach their sons. this is as broad as learning how to generally "be a man" to as specific as simple things like learning how to barbeque on a grill or change a flat tire. as a result i think ive developed a more feminine personality (sounds weird i know).
a deeper problem has to do with my concept of him and how it affects me. while i dont exactly hate or dislike him, its closer to being disgusted or repulsed by him. now that i am more aware and older i can see why hes an alcoholic. he has intense self-esteem issues and childish insecurities. hes mentally and physically weak and frail, dirty and lacks hygiene (now that hes an alcoholic), and utterly lacks responsibility and high-level intelligence. to be honest (i know i know sounds really f****d up) i see his mere existence as defying evolution and natural selection. these are horrible things to think but its the truth.
the thoughts regarding evolution have even deeper and worse implications. this makes me think about myself. i come from him genetically, so in a sense, i sort of am him, and i HATE this. i look look like him, and while i clearly exceed him in almost every aspect of personhood (id like to add how messed up and weird it is to be better (more responsible/intelligent/etc) than your parent in almost every way.), we do share some characteristics. besides physical appearance, i do have many of the same stupid insecurities, problems, and it seems like fate (many things that have happened to him also happened to me. i dont mean like horrible events but when ive talked to my grandmother about him (his mother), ive realized that we both developed similarly. a simple example is that we both quit playing sports at the same time. i dunno small things like that, its hard to explain, but i feel like i AM him. this scares me because, while i hate alcohol (partly because of him and partly because i dont enjoy the effects), i worry that i may develop alcoholism similar to him.)
the important thing is that i resemble him and i hate that, because it means that i disgust myself, that i defy evolution, that i am a horrible human being. these are really some of the most horrible things ive ever thought.
anyway, after his encephalopothy thing, he lived with his mother for a while, but is now back in his condo. he sent me a card for my birthday and asked me to come see him. i am contemplating this, because, while i generally have negative feelings towards him, i also feel sorry for him, because i think that none of this is his fault (its my own personal view that peoples faults, problems, issues, crimes, etc arent their own fault, but a product of genetics, circumstance, and causality). i also understand how this is for him, having had a lot of introverted problems in my own life and some struggles with drugs.
another kinda unrelated thing....i dunnno if anyone else who is close to an alcoholic experiences this but this had led me to have a horrible view of not just alcoholics, but people who casually drink, and even alcohol (especially beer) in general. i see alcoholics as the worst possible things (hesitate to even say person) that can exist and the scum of the earth. beer, in my opinion (less so wine and liquor for some reason) is just this horrible poison that causes gluttony, stupidity, poor hygiene, and just generally grossness. i see beer as a tool used by our society to repress people and keep them complacent and obedient.
^^thats all probably a little out of the scope of this forum, but i thought id add it. i dont mean to offend anybody considering most of the people here are probably alcoholics or drug addicts at some point in their life. like i said before ive had on and off struggles with drugs for 3-4 years now.
thank you to anybody that read that whole thing. i understand that it is very long and rambling and not the most professional. any comments/responses/feedback/advise or even just empathy is highly appreciated. like i said in the beginning i have hardly anyone in my life to discuss this with because my family is strictly conservative and messed up and refuses to acknowledge the existence of problems in the world....so i appreciate whatever. thanks again
Member
Join Date: Jul 2011
Posts: 588
Welcome to this board. Keep reading, there is a lot of information here on the threads and on the stickies.
I did not grow up with alcoholism, so I'm afraid you'll have to wait a little bit longer for someone with experience to respond.
Have you considered Alateen? It is for teens who grow up in exactly your situation. It helps them sort out these thoughts and feel less alone. There are also Alanon groups for young adults, again people just like you and your age trying to sort things out.
I go to Alanon and it has helped me tremendously.
Glad you found this Site, wishing you well in your pursuit of "you".
I did not grow up with alcoholism, so I'm afraid you'll have to wait a little bit longer for someone with experience to respond.
Have you considered Alateen? It is for teens who grow up in exactly your situation. It helps them sort out these thoughts and feel less alone. There are also Alanon groups for young adults, again people just like you and your age trying to sort things out.
I go to Alanon and it has helped me tremendously.
Glad you found this Site, wishing you well in your pursuit of "you".
Member
Join Date: Mar 2009
Posts: 273
WELCOME!!!
My quote function didn't work but you wrote:
the thoughts regarding evolution have even deeper and worse implications. this makes me think about myself. i come from him genetically, so in a sense, i sort of am him, and i HATE this. i look look like him, and while i clearly exceed him in almost every aspect of personhood (id like to add how messed up and weird it is to be better (more responsible/intelligent/etc) than your parent in almost every way.), we do share some characteristics. besides physical appearance, i do have many of the same stupid insecurities, problems, and it seems like fate (many things that have happened to him also happened to me. i dont mean like horrible events but when ive talked to my grandmother about him (his mother), ive realized that we both developed similarly. a simple example is that we both quit playing sports at the same time. i dunno small things like that, its hard to explain, but i feel like i AM him. this scares me because, while i hate alcohol (partly because of him and partly because i dont enjoy the effects), i worry that i may develop alcoholism similar to him.)
the important thing is that i resemble him and i hate that, because it means that i disgust myself, that i defy evolution, that i am a horrible human being. these are really some of the most horrible things ive ever thought.
[/QUOTE]
Welcome.
You have absolutely come to the right place and I am sure you will find lots of support.
I also think you will be an inspiration to many here that struggle with raising their children in an addiction riddled household or who are contemplating marrying and having a family with an alcoholic.
Many people have expressed similar sentiments that you have about alcoholics, alcohol and drinking.
I'm a mom and the section above really resonated with me. I can only share my experience.
My kids, around your age, have a genetic relative who quite frankly is a monster. I suffer watching them suffer and I hate hearing the suffering in your post.
Just because you have similarities to your dad does not mean that you will ever be "like" him.
Starting to drink is a CHOICE.
Stopping drinking is a CHOICE.
While these choices are much more complicated for alcoholics than "normal" people your choices do not have to mirror your father's!
We all have "good" and "not so good" parts of our parents. It sounds like your dad's alcoholism masked his good parts of which you may have plenty.
Also don't forget you have 1/2 your mom's genes too and your dad didn't.
Have you considered counseling or Alanon?
It is good for you to share these emotions with others. You will feel less alone!
My quote function didn't work but you wrote:
the thoughts regarding evolution have even deeper and worse implications. this makes me think about myself. i come from him genetically, so in a sense, i sort of am him, and i HATE this. i look look like him, and while i clearly exceed him in almost every aspect of personhood (id like to add how messed up and weird it is to be better (more responsible/intelligent/etc) than your parent in almost every way.), we do share some characteristics. besides physical appearance, i do have many of the same stupid insecurities, problems, and it seems like fate (many things that have happened to him also happened to me. i dont mean like horrible events but when ive talked to my grandmother about him (his mother), ive realized that we both developed similarly. a simple example is that we both quit playing sports at the same time. i dunno small things like that, its hard to explain, but i feel like i AM him. this scares me because, while i hate alcohol (partly because of him and partly because i dont enjoy the effects), i worry that i may develop alcoholism similar to him.)
the important thing is that i resemble him and i hate that, because it means that i disgust myself, that i defy evolution, that i am a horrible human being. these are really some of the most horrible things ive ever thought.
[/QUOTE]
Welcome.
You have absolutely come to the right place and I am sure you will find lots of support.
I also think you will be an inspiration to many here that struggle with raising their children in an addiction riddled household or who are contemplating marrying and having a family with an alcoholic.
Many people have expressed similar sentiments that you have about alcoholics, alcohol and drinking.
I'm a mom and the section above really resonated with me. I can only share my experience.
My kids, around your age, have a genetic relative who quite frankly is a monster. I suffer watching them suffer and I hate hearing the suffering in your post.
Just because you have similarities to your dad does not mean that you will ever be "like" him.
Starting to drink is a CHOICE.
Stopping drinking is a CHOICE.
While these choices are much more complicated for alcoholics than "normal" people your choices do not have to mirror your father's!
We all have "good" and "not so good" parts of our parents. It sounds like your dad's alcoholism masked his good parts of which you may have plenty.
Also don't forget you have 1/2 your mom's genes too and your dad didn't.
Have you considered counseling or Alanon?
It is good for you to share these emotions with others. You will feel less alone!
A jug fills drop by drop
Join Date: Nov 2008
Posts: 6,784
Welcome to SR abcde!
I identify with you about lacking a father, my parents divorced when I was 3 and I have seen my father, he paid for my university, we have traveled sometimes etc. but there is this huge emotional void between us, and he has missed most of my life and important events, so our relationship is not the best.
Good news: we are NOT our parents and although we carry many patterns and learned toxic behaviors WE CAN UNLEARN THEM. Healing is possible. You are very self introspective for your age...
Are you attending Alateen/counseling? Therapy has done a world of good to me. I wish everybody went.
Its funny because you said you never learned to act like a "man" like changing tires, bbq, stuff like that.. I feel empathy on this regard, but being a female and not having a dad has made me too "masculine" and independent...
I am also realizing the HUGE emptiness within and how much affection I needed and lacked and still lack. Since I am giving it to myself and realizing this pain, ok it SUCKS but at least I am no longer looking for it elsewhere....
Keep reading and posting.. and I am sorry about your dad. Your destiny is in your hands, you create your own life, and it can be wonderful. You deserve it.
I identify with you about lacking a father, my parents divorced when I was 3 and I have seen my father, he paid for my university, we have traveled sometimes etc. but there is this huge emotional void between us, and he has missed most of my life and important events, so our relationship is not the best.
Good news: we are NOT our parents and although we carry many patterns and learned toxic behaviors WE CAN UNLEARN THEM. Healing is possible. You are very self introspective for your age...
Are you attending Alateen/counseling? Therapy has done a world of good to me. I wish everybody went.
Its funny because you said you never learned to act like a "man" like changing tires, bbq, stuff like that.. I feel empathy on this regard, but being a female and not having a dad has made me too "masculine" and independent...
I am also realizing the HUGE emptiness within and how much affection I needed and lacked and still lack. Since I am giving it to myself and realizing this pain, ok it SUCKS but at least I am no longer looking for it elsewhere....
Keep reading and posting.. and I am sorry about your dad. Your destiny is in your hands, you create your own life, and it can be wonderful. You deserve it.
I Love Who I Am
Join Date: Sep 2009
Location: Midwest
Posts: 3,210
another kinda unrelated thing....i dunnno if anyone else who is close to an alcoholic experiences this but this had led me to have a horrible view of not just alcoholics, but people who casually drink, and even alcohol (especially beer) in general. i see alcoholics as the worst possible things (hesitate to even say person) that can exist and the scum of the earth. beer, in my opinion (less so wine and liquor for some reason) is just this horrible poison that causes gluttony, stupidity, poor hygiene, and just generally grossness. i see beer as a tool used by our society to repress people and keep them complacent and obedient.
I used to have great hatred for my AF, but detaching emotionally is a skill that I"ve practiced enough to have some freedom from that rage and anger and hatred.
Still, I will never ever be friends with or involved on any level with an alcoholic. That's my personal choice though, not a judgement call on alcoholics. And since i'm getting better at taking my time when I get to know people, and having clear, careful boundaries from the start, I can ensure my own safety.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2011
Location: america
Posts: 3
to answer some of your questions, i do currently go to therapy. ive been to a dozen different therapists over the years, but didnt go for a long time until 2 weeks ago when i started again. im not sure exactly why, but therapy has never helped me all that much. im as open and as honest as i can possibly be, but things dont seem to change much. i think one of the main reasons is that ive ruminated through all of this stuff over and over and over again, and i pretty much know what the therapist will tell me before i even ask a question.
and regarding alanon/alateen....this is something i am kind of interested in. i havent really heard of it until a few weeks ago. on one hand i would like to go, but on another im nervous. nervous of sharing my feelings in front of people mostly...also of seeing somebody i know there.
and regarding alanon/alateen....this is something i am kind of interested in. i havent really heard of it until a few weeks ago. on one hand i would like to go, but on another im nervous. nervous of sharing my feelings in front of people mostly...also of seeing somebody i know there.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2009
Posts: 273
My personal experience with therapy is that it doesn't "fix" my problems but that it keeps me self aware. I also think it is healthy to have a place to unload.
In terms of Alanon:
1. you don't ever have to speak if you don't want to -- it can be really helpful just to listen to other people. sometimes you have to try different meetings to find the right fit.
2. If you see some one you know all it means is that they too have someone in their life who is an alcoholic. Just like you. Just like me. Just like everyone who posts in this forum.
In terms of Alanon:
1. you don't ever have to speak if you don't want to -- it can be really helpful just to listen to other people. sometimes you have to try different meetings to find the right fit.
2. If you see some one you know all it means is that they too have someone in their life who is an alcoholic. Just like you. Just like me. Just like everyone who posts in this forum.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2011
Location: California
Posts: 63
You can vent to me anytime! My dad was an alcoholic my whole life too. I've struggled with so many of the same thoughts and feelings that you find yourself having.
When I was younger I was SCARED TO DEATH that I would become my dad. I saw so much of myself in him, the difference being I'm a girl. I had a similar relationship that I explained as "a child-adult relationship" where I was the adult and HE was the child. It was so disfunctional it wasn't even funny! Instead of focusing on me, my relationships, my school, my sanity I was always worried about him. It consumed my thoughts.
I found that therapy helped me so much! I started seeing someone at my school, and when I graduated I found a psychiatrist in town. It took me a year of therapy to realize just how much I was letting him poison my life. I decided to take drastic action and cut him out of my life completely. It is four years this month since I've had any "real" contact with him. It was the best decision I ever made. It felt like 10 tons were lifted off my shoulders!
Now, I'm not saying that this is the way to go, as everyone is different and has different limits. You have to do what's best for you. I'm 30 years old now and have realized so much about myself.
I am NOT my father. We may have a lot of things in common, similar looks, but I'm my own person.
I am never going to be an alcoholic (a huge fear of mine growing up), because I am always aware in the back of my head that the potential could be there.
While I may have issues (history of depression and a few months of "self medicating" with vicodin), I realized what was happening, realized I didn't want that for myself, and got appropriate help.
Life is hard and scary. I remember being 19 (why does that feel so long ago??). Life is crazy enough without an alcoholic parent. Try to find support. It's amazing how having one friend to confide in can help. When you can't, come here and tell us. We've been (or are) in your shoes. There are lots of options out there. I know it's hard and goes against a lifetime of "being the adult" in the relationship, but try to focus on yourself, work through some of these feelings you have. It's the only way to feel more comfortable in your own skin.
Post anytime. I've been where you are and you're not alone. Good luck!!
When I was younger I was SCARED TO DEATH that I would become my dad. I saw so much of myself in him, the difference being I'm a girl. I had a similar relationship that I explained as "a child-adult relationship" where I was the adult and HE was the child. It was so disfunctional it wasn't even funny! Instead of focusing on me, my relationships, my school, my sanity I was always worried about him. It consumed my thoughts.
I found that therapy helped me so much! I started seeing someone at my school, and when I graduated I found a psychiatrist in town. It took me a year of therapy to realize just how much I was letting him poison my life. I decided to take drastic action and cut him out of my life completely. It is four years this month since I've had any "real" contact with him. It was the best decision I ever made. It felt like 10 tons were lifted off my shoulders!
Now, I'm not saying that this is the way to go, as everyone is different and has different limits. You have to do what's best for you. I'm 30 years old now and have realized so much about myself.
I am NOT my father. We may have a lot of things in common, similar looks, but I'm my own person.
I am never going to be an alcoholic (a huge fear of mine growing up), because I am always aware in the back of my head that the potential could be there.
While I may have issues (history of depression and a few months of "self medicating" with vicodin), I realized what was happening, realized I didn't want that for myself, and got appropriate help.
Life is hard and scary. I remember being 19 (why does that feel so long ago??). Life is crazy enough without an alcoholic parent. Try to find support. It's amazing how having one friend to confide in can help. When you can't, come here and tell us. We've been (or are) in your shoes. There are lots of options out there. I know it's hard and goes against a lifetime of "being the adult" in the relationship, but try to focus on yourself, work through some of these feelings you have. It's the only way to feel more comfortable in your own skin.
Post anytime. I've been where you are and you're not alone. Good luck!!
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2011
Location: america
Posts: 3
Originally Posted by Just4me 
I decided to take drastic action and cut him out of my life completely. It is four years this month since I've had any "real" contact with him. It was the best decision I ever made. It felt like 10 tons were lifted off my shoulders!
i probably will continue doing this, but ill always have a few qualms that what im doing is wrong and that i should try to help and how would i feel if i was in that situation and my family refused to speak to me...
not trying to steer you away from what youre doing. if its working for you thats fantastic!
Member
Join Date: Nov 2007
Posts: 1,384
I have had almost no relationship with my alcoholic father and am on limited contact with my addict mother. I understand your feeling--looking in the mirror and seeing my father in me. However, I believe that in the end we have free will and can make a choice. I am more than twice your age, and have gotten a lot of help from this website, counseling, books, etc. Have you read Codependent No More? I still struggle with codependency--I live with my RABF and sometimes get worried about his recovery. I worry about my mom and all of her problems. I sometimes think of my dad, but not much since I hardly know him. I feel sadness over not having a father around. I sometimes feel anger and wonder all the usual questions li,e "Why me." However, I think that it is a process and we can learn how to take care of ourselves. Even with genetics, you are an individual. You have had different life experiences from your father, and you are your own person.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2010
Location: Alaska
Posts: 2,913
Hello, Abcde, welcome to SR. I had so many things to write, and now that I've pulled out the keyboard...
Therapy. (I like Gowest's post.) It's to help you build self awareness. However, there are also different types of therapy. Maybe finding a different approach would be helpful.
Please, know that you are not your father. No matter the physical resemblance, no matter the genetics involved, you are not him. You have your own identity that is completely separate from your father.
My mother's mother was an alcoholic. I never met her; she died when Mom was still little, but I remember Mom's stories of her. I remember hating the alcoholic part of Grandmother; I hated alcohol; and I hated it when ever some one told me "You look like a little version of her!"
I have my own flaws and faults, my own signs of humanity. I have my own challenges to meet and overcome. Just like I have my own strengths and talents and interests. I'm NOT her.
You may continue to not see your father; you may decide one day to meet him. I think that whatever choice you make, if you approach it with the thought, foresight and introspection that you're showing here, you'll make the right choice for you.
Therapy. (I like Gowest's post.) It's to help you build self awareness. However, there are also different types of therapy. Maybe finding a different approach would be helpful.
Please, know that you are not your father. No matter the physical resemblance, no matter the genetics involved, you are not him. You have your own identity that is completely separate from your father.
My mother's mother was an alcoholic. I never met her; she died when Mom was still little, but I remember Mom's stories of her. I remember hating the alcoholic part of Grandmother; I hated alcohol; and I hated it when ever some one told me "You look like a little version of her!"
I have my own flaws and faults, my own signs of humanity. I have my own challenges to meet and overcome. Just like I have my own strengths and talents and interests. I'm NOT her.
You may continue to not see your father; you may decide one day to meet him. I think that whatever choice you make, if you approach it with the thought, foresight and introspection that you're showing here, you'll make the right choice for you.
A jug fills drop by drop
Join Date: Nov 2008
Posts: 6,784
Originally Posted by theuncertainty
Therapy. (I like Gowest's post.) It's to help you build self awareness. However, there are also different types of therapy. Maybe finding a different approach would be helpful.
The therapy that has helped me is called "reconstructive regression". A therapist with addiction/codependency experience is vital.
A good therapist (IMHO) is able to see beyond your defense mechanisms, gets quick results, has goals. And a holistic approach. Don't give up on them until one "fits". That is, if you really, REALLY want to heal.
Nothing changes if nothing changes...
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