ajangel

I went to a 7am meeting this morning because I was unable to make my normal 12pm meeting. The group seemed very friendly. Different members in this group. More younger woman. I thought I would like to go to the morning one. I noticed an older gentleman constantly staring at me. At first I thought that he was just curious about the "new girl". By the end of the meeting, he introduced himself and gave me a pocket big book with his phone number in it. It seemed innocent enough but I had a strange feeling and he was a little too friendly. One of the younger attractive females took me aside and told me of a male member that has said very inappropriate sexual comments to her. Being an attractive female I need to be wary of his intentions. She said that she would have never expected it to come from him. She didn't tell me who it was but asked me if anyone gave me a little book. That was a hint of who it was. Men notice me and I get comments all the time but this sickened me. Here we are at our most broken, vulnerable, shamed, weakened state trying to seek help and some opportunist is seeking his own desires. I guess this is common. I am a strong enough woman to handle it but other women may not want to come back. What a shame. I can't seem to get over this nauseating feeling. Feedback from women and men are appreciated. By the way, I tried to talk to my sponsor about it but she never called me back.

MycoolFitz

Sorry that happened. Sometimes people are in the rooms for all the wrong reasons and sobriety is not the only issue that needs dealing with. As a male I can tell you those issues can happen both ways and no. it isn't comfortable nor does it feel safe. Luckily its the exception not the rule. Maybe its a one time thing or maybe it needs to be dealt with or avoided. In any case its a shame.

Soberpotamus

That's disgusting. I'd be inclined to let him know exactly where he can put his little book.

willowwalt

To me someone should do something about that. I know we should not judge, but that is rediculous.

Taking5

This unfortunately happens, it is called 13th stepping. I am glad one of the other women gave you a heads up on this dude. I totally agree this could chase a new woman off forever. It can happen to men too, but it is seriously like 10:1 against women.

In my home group, we have a core group of men and women who watch out for this sort of thing. In the worst case, 3 of us men took a 13th stepper outside (I was the smallest of the 3 at 6'2" 245lbs) and told him in no uncertain terms that his approach to women was wrong and it was hurting the group. We also offered to take him to a mens only meeting so he could focus on his recovery. He got pissed off and never came back to our meeting but I do see him at other meetings occasionally. I don't know if he got our message but at least the new girl has a chance.

Soberpotamus

LPN, you can write a very descriptive, personal note to the creep in the front of that little book he gave you and deliver it to him at your next meeting.

yor5150

I agree that it was inappropriate behavior but since he didn't say or write anything overtly out of line perhaps the book should be returned with a note that says simply: "women stick with the women and men stick with the men", or "I don't feel comfortable accepting this".

I'm not excusing his his behavior in any way. I want to the rooms to be a safe haven for any soul that wonders in looking for refuge.

yor5150

I'm very sorry this happened to you & I'm glad that you were tipped off which confirmed what your gut feeling was telling you.

As someone said, some times the group notices someone like that and takes action to point out to the individual that their actions are not appropriate but obviously this hasn't happened with this individual.

Please try getting in touch with your sponsor again. I hope you find a way to get past this.

DisplacedGRITS

I'd black out his number and keep a wary eye on him. Should he do anything again, see about getting a united front to tell him his behavior is distracting to the group and makes people uncomfortable. His behavior is detrimental to recovery.

Programmatic

My wife reports behavior of this type rather frequently. Some dudes are known 13th steppers. In my opinion, it's not really any different than any where else. It may seem more flagrant or more insidious because you expect AA meetings to be safe places but reality is what it is.

The best thing is for women to do exactly what this lady did, communicate the threats to newcomers. The girls have to stick together. Don't leave a female alone at a meeting when everyone is going home. That sort of thing. If it really bothers you seek gender-restricted meetings. Otherwise, realize that AA meetings are not some sacred place, they are just a microcosm of the bigger world outside and everyone showing up has admitted issues in general.

Snarf

I've often felt uncomfortable about speaking to a female Newcomer after an AA meeting because I don't want them to think I'm making advances on them or anything. It's a shame when a meeting ends and you see a pretty Newcomer get surrounded by like 5 dudes. We're actually there to help each other, not to scare people off. But I guess AA rooms are just a cross-section of society, and that stuff happens all the time.

bellakeller

Creep. Unfortunately, they're all over the place. Not just in recovery groups. You're right though, you're at a pretty vulnerable point and a nutjob like that is one of the last things ya need right now.

My sponsor says, "some of us are sicker than others". It's so true; I see people all the time in meetings who unfortunately are severely and irretrievably damaged by alcoholism.

I hope I am not one of them.

Terminally Unique

I am not a woman, but I have seen this before. I have told some to wipe the grin off their faces and lose the twinkle in their eyes or that I would do it for them. Be careful who you trust.

yeahgr8

Yeah it does happen both ways unfortunately...when i first got in the rooms i had 3 separate incidents, the "worst" being an older lady who was my "friend" who, after i got a GF about 12 months sober, declared undying love for me and then terminated our friendship because she could not suffer feeling so rejected and jealous...now thats pretty insane lol

Some people work the program of AA, the steps, some don't so stick with the ones that have and also stick to the same sex as much as possible with friendships and definitely sponsor!

My first experience of being friends with women was in AA, i still have a female friend who is in coda and a couple of female "friends" in AA too that i see every so often...i put friends in inverted commas for the last example because, given half the chance, they would be up my trouser like a whippet! Funny huh!

I never got the women/men friends thing, maybe if they were childhood friends who saw each other as siblings it might work but generally one "friend" will want more than the other even if they pretend they dont, thats my experience anyway...

It is creepy stuff though especially as you say because you are vulnerable but it happens...

stugotz

10 minutes sober and we all have the morals of a saint... Please remember that the rooms of AA is not the most stable cross section of society. Patience and tolerance is our code, especially when the infomation we are getting is second hand. Some ARE sicker than others. Just sayin...

Terminally Unique

Never forget it, either.

nandm

I have been in a similar situation but it turned into stalking. It happened early in sobriety before I realized that people in AA were no different than people not in AA, there are perverts everywhere. He came up to me after a meeting and asked to trade phone numbers. I had gotten used to doing this and assumed that it was ok because that is how people helped each other in AA, right? I found out quick that is not always the case. He started calling me all the time, even in the middle of the night, literally at 2 am. He started sending me stuff, I am not sure how he got my home address. He really creeped me out. It took threatening to get a restraining order against him for him to leave me alone. It was during this time someone finally let me know that I should not give just anyone my phone number especially if they are of the opposite sex in AA and never give your last name. I think that is how he tracked my address down.

Since that experience I have not let my guard down with very many men and have been in AA 10 years. I have run into perverts who have hit on me or other women and I do not hesitate to confront them about it or have other home group members, male, confront them. We have had several come into our home group and try to do this and when confronted never came back. One I later learned wound up being sent to prison while in AA for having child porn on his computer. The guy was reported by another AA member who was fixing his computer and found the porn. As soon as this guy got out he came hunting at our group and once confronted never came back. I have not seen him in an AA meeting since. Maybe he is back in jail, who knows, personally I don't care.

I guess my point is that we need to be careful when giving out personal information to anyone we do not know well and sometimes those we do. It is also prudent not to accept gifts as this can be misinterpreted as being interested or owing this person something. Be no different than if you just met someone on the street.

Symmetry

Social graces and boundaries are taught. We can only reach the humble road through humility. Sounds like this guy needs a lesson.

I'm sorry this happened. I would have been sickened. It's an AA meeting for crying out loud! Not a singles social. Geez. I'm not even surprised.

stugotz

You havent been to enough meetings then. Just sayin...

ThePupsSavedMe

i once worked at a crisis/recovery center. (ironic no?) They had strict rules on no relationships, but it never stopped anyone. Even the Tuesday night AA leader who came in to run the class, often 'hooked up' with females. In my opinion thats the worst! he was taking advantage of vulnerable women. But recovery can be lonley and sometimes people reach out to each other, but i agree, its wrong and wont help anyone recovery by compiclicating things..I think it should be mentioned at meetings and enforced!