She’s full of rage...
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2011
Location: Ireland
Posts: 59
She’s full of rage...
I am constantly amazed at the seemingly bottomless pit of anger my wife seems to have within.
The analyst in me asks myself:
Is it anger at herself and her own situation redirected to us?
Is it simply anger at me for being the indirect obstacle to continued active drinking?
Is it just one of the hallmarks of early sobriety and recovery?
If at one time we were walking on eggshells we are surely now walking on precious fine crystal eggs.
In any case it leaves me wondering will our relationship ever be recoverable, (long since handed over the sobriety aspect) as this endless supply of vitriol and bitterness pours out.
She just called up to apologise for her anger and within 45 seconds had returned to it and the same issues once more.
I want to be around humility and introspection....I don’t recollect any anger at all from her during the prior 14 years.
Do you ever regret poking the wasps nest?
The analyst in me asks myself:
Is it anger at herself and her own situation redirected to us?
Is it simply anger at me for being the indirect obstacle to continued active drinking?
Is it just one of the hallmarks of early sobriety and recovery?
If at one time we were walking on eggshells we are surely now walking on precious fine crystal eggs.
In any case it leaves me wondering will our relationship ever be recoverable, (long since handed over the sobriety aspect) as this endless supply of vitriol and bitterness pours out.
She just called up to apologise for her anger and within 45 seconds had returned to it and the same issues once more.
I want to be around humility and introspection....I don’t recollect any anger at all from her during the prior 14 years.
Do you ever regret poking the wasps nest?
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Join Date: Apr 2005
Location: state of confusion
Posts: 351
Never expect rational behavior from an active alcoholic or a newly recovering alcoholic.
Anger can be one of the hallmark behaviors of alcohol abuse. It is usually anger due to all the problems in their life ... and the denial of accepting alcohol is to blame, finding it easier to blame others than to accept they must stop drinking.
When in early recovery, there are a lot of these same old feelings lingering. Usually the alcoholic is physically and emotionally not feeling well - and also battling with a powerful desire to resume drinking and resenting anyone they feel may have prevented them from drinking. It can take months for an alcoholic to physically and mentally return to normal.
The path to recovery can be a challenging journey for both the alcoholic and those closest to them ... requiring a lot of effort by the alcoholic and a lot of patience from their families.
Anger can be one of the hallmark behaviors of alcohol abuse. It is usually anger due to all the problems in their life ... and the denial of accepting alcohol is to blame, finding it easier to blame others than to accept they must stop drinking.
When in early recovery, there are a lot of these same old feelings lingering. Usually the alcoholic is physically and emotionally not feeling well - and also battling with a powerful desire to resume drinking and resenting anyone they feel may have prevented them from drinking. It can take months for an alcoholic to physically and mentally return to normal.
The path to recovery can be a challenging journey for both the alcoholic and those closest to them ... requiring a lot of effort by the alcoholic and a lot of patience from their families.
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Join Date: Feb 2010
Location: NJ
Posts: 20,458
I disagree....I was completely rational during early sobriety. I was angry at the circumstances and facing my problems that I created...but I accepted what was broken and what I could repair., and found better ways to make myself feel "good"...it took me about 3-4 months to get things together in my head...I was never unrational and completely functional...I took things one at a time instead of dealing with everything all at once....and I forgave myself, praised myself for little accomplishments.
Not all of my problems stemmed from abuse of booze, but they were exacerbated by drinking.
Not all of my problems stemmed from abuse of booze, but they were exacerbated by drinking.
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Join Date: Mar 2009
Posts: 43
Much like an alcoholic does not perceive that their behavior to be inappropriate or a distorted, the same is often true with the recovering alcoholic. In the early days, their perception of their own behavior versus how others perceive their behavior, is often two different things.
There have been endless posts on this forum from heartbroken spouses or partners hurt by what appears to be misplaced anger, moodiness or blame ...etc. from alcoholics new to recovery. No two experiences are exactly the same ... but it appears to be a common problem for many in relationships that are already struggling, families yearning and hoping to see improvement, yet dismayed by baffling and sometimes hostile unpredictable behavior in the early days and weeks of sobriety.
I went through this with my AH the only time he really sought sobriety and after about 4 months along with the help of AA, his behavior began to stabilize, He didn’t see what I saw in those early days when he was going through what was then described as being a dry drunk, instead he felt just because he stopped drinking he was already back to his old self within a couple of days. It has since been discovered that the physical damage done to the thought processes from alcohol takes up to 6 months or more to recover from. However, with the support of AA, he was able to weather those bumpy first weeks and eventually find his old self once again. Unfortunately, after all that progress and improvement, he eventually relapsed and gradually all those distorted, unpredictable, negative behaviors took over once more.
There have been endless posts on this forum from heartbroken spouses or partners hurt by what appears to be misplaced anger, moodiness or blame ...etc. from alcoholics new to recovery. No two experiences are exactly the same ... but it appears to be a common problem for many in relationships that are already struggling, families yearning and hoping to see improvement, yet dismayed by baffling and sometimes hostile unpredictable behavior in the early days and weeks of sobriety.
I went through this with my AH the only time he really sought sobriety and after about 4 months along with the help of AA, his behavior began to stabilize, He didn’t see what I saw in those early days when he was going through what was then described as being a dry drunk, instead he felt just because he stopped drinking he was already back to his old self within a couple of days. It has since been discovered that the physical damage done to the thought processes from alcohol takes up to 6 months or more to recover from. However, with the support of AA, he was able to weather those bumpy first weeks and eventually find his old self once again. Unfortunately, after all that progress and improvement, he eventually relapsed and gradually all those distorted, unpredictable, negative behaviors took over once more.
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Join Date: Jan 2011
Location: Anchorage, Alaska
Posts: 4,719
Like Fandy describes, there isn't a "norm" here, but if you read the AA Big Book, it refers to this distorted thinking a lot so I am going to assume it is a more common occurrence.
My RAH also struggles with anger. But I don't think its the alcohol that is the issue; I think its not having the coping skills to work through anger effectively. I can see now that he is working hard at changing his old ways, but it truly is one step at a time.
The only think I can really think to offer you, Val, is to not worry about the state of your relationship with her...at all...right now. Keep your focus on yourself and your children. Work on your own anger issues (which living with an active A is bound to create some!), and practice empathy and forgiveness. If you take everything personally and literally, you are giving her tremendous power over you.
And refuse to talk to her if she's spewing anger all over you. Just hang up the phone or walk away.
Hang in there!
My RAH also struggles with anger. But I don't think its the alcohol that is the issue; I think its not having the coping skills to work through anger effectively. I can see now that he is working hard at changing his old ways, but it truly is one step at a time.
The only think I can really think to offer you, Val, is to not worry about the state of your relationship with her...at all...right now. Keep your focus on yourself and your children. Work on your own anger issues (which living with an active A is bound to create some!), and practice empathy and forgiveness. If you take everything personally and literally, you are giving her tremendous power over you.
And refuse to talk to her if she's spewing anger all over you. Just hang up the phone or walk away.
Hang in there!
Chaotically Peaceful
Join Date: Jan 2007
Location: A state of peace
Posts: 322
When you start to turn things around and look at the root of the problem, you realize that alcohol is just a means for dealing with unresolved emotional problems for many A's. For me, as a codie, my DOC is other people's chaos. If I lose myself in that, I don't have to deal with my own issues. When I remove it from my life, I am staring straight at my own ugly monsters. I can either take a deep breath, admit my own faults, forgive myself and move forward OR I can be angry and bitter.
I love what TG said (and I know it is hard to do) but try to focus on your life and less on hers. I know it can be hard when you feel like a target for anger. When I am faced with a barrage of anger from one of the the A's in my life, I will say "It seems that you are feeling pretty angry today. I'm going to let you go. I hope you have a great day." And I do just that (and mean it, too...that is an important part). It does a few things for me: 1. Gets me out of the path of the anger 2. Let's me get on with my day and 3. Tells that person that I am no longer going to participate in that kind of relationship (without getting into a long, drawn-out, exhausting discussion about how I'm not going to participate in that kind of relationship...LOL).
You might also check out the thread on over-analyzing. I think it is a fairly common occurrence among those of us who live with A's. We try so hard to make rational what is irrational that we invest far more time and energy than is helpful for anyone...especially ourselves.
When it comes down to it, you could be right about ALL of the things you listed above. The problem is, it doesn't matter one little bit unless SHE comes up them herself.
Stinks, doesn't it?
I love what TG said (and I know it is hard to do) but try to focus on your life and less on hers. I know it can be hard when you feel like a target for anger. When I am faced with a barrage of anger from one of the the A's in my life, I will say "It seems that you are feeling pretty angry today. I'm going to let you go. I hope you have a great day." And I do just that (and mean it, too...that is an important part). It does a few things for me: 1. Gets me out of the path of the anger 2. Let's me get on with my day and 3. Tells that person that I am no longer going to participate in that kind of relationship (without getting into a long, drawn-out, exhausting discussion about how I'm not going to participate in that kind of relationship...LOL).
You might also check out the thread on over-analyzing. I think it is a fairly common occurrence among those of us who live with A's. We try so hard to make rational what is irrational that we invest far more time and energy than is helpful for anyone...especially ourselves.
When it comes down to it, you could be right about ALL of the things you listed above. The problem is, it doesn't matter one little bit unless SHE comes up them herself.
Stinks, doesn't it?
Member
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: Tennessee
Posts: 255
Do you ever regret poking the wasps nest?
After years of this, I just quietly exist within my own shell as much as possible, trying to avoid conflict. It may not be very "manly" of me, but it's much more peaceful.
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Join Date: Nov 2008
Location: MASSACHUSETTS
Posts: 441
I think they are angry with themselves and just take it out on the ones closest to them. Unfotunately, they just drive us away. Who could possibly live under those conditions for too long. It just effects our health and our life.
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Join Date: Nov 2010
Posts: 2,052
It's just anger. It has nothing to do with you and everything to do with her and her disease. My AW, who is "normal" when sober, turns into an angry and raging bitch when she drinks-- it takes just one to set her off.
I never take it personally anymore-- it took a few years before this became true.
Cyranoak
I never take it personally anymore-- it took a few years before this became true.
Cyranoak
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Join Date: Nov 2010
Location: FL
Posts: 63
I completely understand what your feeling.
My STBXRAH's recovery and what i envisioned it to be were completely different. So i won't give you any advice as i could be the spokesperson for "What not to do" in this situation.
I just had to finally realize for whatever reason, it's just not for me and i let go and got out of it all.
My STBXRAH's recovery and what i envisioned it to be were completely different. So i won't give you any advice as i could be the spokesperson for "What not to do" in this situation.
I just had to finally realize for whatever reason, it's just not for me and i let go and got out of it all.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2012
Location: Long Beach, CA
Posts: 1
I am going on 24 years sober and married a woman with raging anger issues. She is a raging witch who goes on a tirade and is extremely violent. She is an ACA who is not on the program. She sees a psychologist once a month but that does not help.
You guys got it easy! At least your wives apologize.
After 7 years of this stuff I am really considering ending our vows. Nobody defined "for worse" as this.
And no amount of meetings, step studies, fasting and prayer ever prepared me for this.
You guys got it easy! At least your wives apologize.
After 7 years of this stuff I am really considering ending our vows. Nobody defined "for worse" as this.
And no amount of meetings, step studies, fasting and prayer ever prepared me for this.
Member
Join Date: May 2007
Location: Sweden
Posts: 1,649
ValJester, Does your wife have a program? I was a blazing inferno of rage! I was so angry in early sobriety I often shocked myself at the depth and intensity of my rage! Consider that the bottled up (literally and figuratively) feelings of a lifetime were coming out, at last. That all the play acting and pretending to be happy and normal was dropped and I was face to face with all my perceived discontent with life.
I sure needed a program to navigate my way through that swamp.
I sure needed a program to navigate my way through that swamp.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: London area
Posts: 98
Hi Val. Give her time. This will pass. In my case I was no more angry without drink than I was with it. But - it did take me a while to learn how to deal with the terrible feelings that booze helped me to deal with. My husband just let me "be" in those early months. I always knew that he was there for me, not to shout at, not to rant at - there were always very firm boundaries.
Good luck to you Val and to your wife.
Good luck to you Val and to your wife.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2011
Posts: 75
My ex Ah when she left rehab (3 month stint) initially was positive, hopeful and apologetic.
4 months down the track all the old issues emerged- blaming parents, horrible brother etc etc My ideas of recovery morphed into the the shattering conclusion that for my sanity I had to get out. I didnt want a life of AA meetings, constant reminders of " poor me" the soul sapping journey to reason with the unreasonable.
It amazes me how its a common theme to just accept whatever they say in "anger". Its inexcusable. Fine be angry with yourself( im talking about my exAH) but to say things that I'm to ashamed to print here to me( who literally saved her life) says volumes . Its not for me to tell others what to do but some lines are never meant to be crossed.
Thats why I left and will never speak to her again.
4 months down the track all the old issues emerged- blaming parents, horrible brother etc etc My ideas of recovery morphed into the the shattering conclusion that for my sanity I had to get out. I didnt want a life of AA meetings, constant reminders of " poor me" the soul sapping journey to reason with the unreasonable.
It amazes me how its a common theme to just accept whatever they say in "anger". Its inexcusable. Fine be angry with yourself( im talking about my exAH) but to say things that I'm to ashamed to print here to me( who literally saved her life) says volumes . Its not for me to tell others what to do but some lines are never meant to be crossed.
Thats why I left and will never speak to her again.
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Join Date: Dec 2008
Posts: 10,944
Originally Posted by TALB 
I am going on 24 years sober and married a woman with raging anger issues. She is a raging witch who goes on a tirade and is extremely violent. She is an ACA who is not on the program. She sees a psychologist once a month but that does not help.
You guys got it easy! At least your wives apologize.
After 7 years of this stuff I am really considering ending our vows. Nobody defined "for worse" as this.
And no amount of meetings, step studies, fasting and prayer ever prepared me for this.
You guys got it easy! At least your wives apologize.
After 7 years of this stuff I am really considering ending our vows. Nobody defined "for worse" as this.
And no amount of meetings, step studies, fasting and prayer ever prepared me for this.
I'm sorry to hear about the ongoing verbal abuse you receive from your wife. I don't think the marriage vows include "stick it out through abuse".
When you are comfortable, you can start your own thread. You are among people who truly do understand!
HG
I AM CANADIAN
Join Date: Jun 2010
Location: Niagara Region, Canada
Posts: 2,578
my A? well, his EGO and his arrogance always got in his way..no anger on his part...but always felt the WORLD owed him for something...abandonment issues i think..but that is something he needs to figure out...
mine has been no contact for 2 years now...its nice and quiet...BUT i still work my recovery of AL ANON and will for LIFE...that never goes away!
mine has been no contact for 2 years now...its nice and quiet...BUT i still work my recovery of AL ANON and will for LIFE...that never goes away!
Member
Join Date: Aug 2010
Posts: 2,349
Originally Posted by JACKRUSSELLGIRL
I think they are angry with themselves and just take it out on the ones closest to them. Unfotunately, they just drive us away. Who could possibly live under those conditions for too long. It just effects our health and our life.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2012
Posts: 69
Sorry to hear about your problems man. The only way for me to solve my addict ex's anger issues was to leave the relationship. She is now undoubtedly berating some other chump. Meanwhile, I am here enjoying the weather and a delicious cup of coffee while learning Spanish.
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