Paulos

Phew, shudder, my mother's mood changes so much when she drinks that she insults me with nearly every single thing in my life... she even said "She loves her dogs more than me." but naturally she does not admit to the people she knows that she insulted me... typical. What do I do with a person like this?...

wywriter

Quack! Do your best to ignore them, and constantly remind yourself that they're not really them when they say things like that. For me it was both of my parents, and I grew up wondering what was so horribly wrong with me that even they couldn't love me. Even worse, sometimes my mom would try to "make it up to me" by later giving me little gifts or cards that told me how much she loved me and cared about me. It made me think that if that was love, I didn't want any...ever.

It took me a lot of years to realize that there's absolutely nothing wrong with me, the problem is with them. Sometimes it helps me to liken my mom's alcoholism to my aunt's and grandmother's mental issues. My aunt is absolutely convinced that the entire world is dying of a pandemic disease, and that doctors only ridicule you for saying it because normal people aren't supposed to know. My grandmother slipped into dementia about three years before she died, and was constantly blending all of the food she could find in the house in the food processor -- including green peppers, chocolate pudding, and cat food in one concoction -- and then decided that that wouldn't do so we'd have to order 300 cheeseburgers from McDonald's for the tribe coming in. They didn't make any sense, and neither did my mom when she was in the grips of her own disease.

coolidge

Hi Paulos. My Mom did the same to me, turns out she was angry at herself and I was an easy target. Turns out, her father who never drank, treated her that way also. Also had people say stuff like that to me while drinking and when they sober up they have no recollection and are appalled at their own words. I agree, ignore. Not easy to do when it's hurtful I know.

gowest

When my mother "acts up" (and she does not have a drinking problem) I remove myself from the situation.

If I feel that she will be in that mood for a long while I alter how much I see her, talk to her or even email her.

I don't have to tolerate insults from anybody.

Paulos

Thanks for the support all, and sometimes with her it's the day after... she acts like nothing happened or she was in the right by insulting me- and she's always got to have a reason "Why I didn't do this, why I don't like that" blah blah, it's pathetic really.

Opivotal

No one likes to be put down or insulted. I'm sorry your going through this. Take it for what it is, just a lot of ... ...blah, blah, blah, blah. I know its hard not to let it hurt you or make you mad....but if its alcohol induced....its usually a bunch of garbage. Keep telling yourself your not to blame for your Mom's tirades. They aren't true and your doing the best you can. Try not to engage with her when she is like this. It will never get you anywhere. Just mad and upset.

I know its not much help Paulos, but its the best I can offer. You did the right thing in coming here to vent. We understand and only wish the best for you.

:ghug3

Best Wishes To You!

CatsPajamas

Oh Paulos. I am sorry that you are struggling with this. It took me awhile to learn that just because someone said something about me, it wasn't necessarily true. My good friends in Al Anon taught me that other people don't get to define me. I do.

And I choose to believe that I am smart, funny, talented and a really nice human being.

I think it's good to magine who you can be if you don't allow toxic people to define you

Hugs,
Cats

Justfor1

Time for her to lay off the sauce and hit AA meetings.

InaneVandal

Hey there. I know what you're dealing with. My mom acts the same way, shells out insults, yelling, calling my phone and leaving voicemails - even taking her rage out on my things in my room etc.

I myself don't even know how to handle it well, I know, as everyone has said, then best you can do is to 'ignore it' but how much is too much, I ask.

I'm currently seeking a means to figure out where and how I can start the process of eventually confronting my mother about her problems and what issues that it has caused not just for her, but for me and other people.

It sucks, because they're not being the person you care and love, and you don't know what to think when the person you care about is insulting and hurting you for no reason. Hopefully you can find a means some time to start a healing process, I know this is my struggle now, and it's not easy, but it's worth a shot, right?

I wish you luck, please hang in there.

TakingCharge999

Can you leave the room when this happens?
I liked CatsPajamas post, who are you Paulos? how would you define your qualities?