LeftAtTheAltar

Hi All,
I just found this site and thought it may help to find me some answers.
Here is my story:

A year and a half ago, I met this wonderful woman. She was the sweetest, kindest, most generous, most loving person. She seemed perfect for me.
She did tell me early on that she was a recovering alcoholic (I think about five to eight years).
I received this information, and really didn't set much store by it as she was patently sober, very "with it", and seemed to be a great, grounded person. She was just finishing her degree, and, indeed now works as a licensed counsellor for substance abuse.

We got on together amazingly well, and she really "drove" the relationship. She was the first one to tell me she loved me. After some months, she said to me: "If you ask me, I'll say 'yes'". (Obviously referring to marriage).

On the strength of this, I proposed some time later (a year ago now). We were deliriously happy. We very rarely argued. In short, it seemed the idyllic partnership.

Around Christmas time, she asked me to move in with her. We were due to be married on the 20th of July.

We had the minister booked, the honeymoon, rings bought, etc...

Everything was going great. Three days before, she was telling me she had to keep me healthy because she was going to spend the next thirty years with me.
On the Friday before my world was destroyed, she texted me to tell me she had bought the wedding dress.

The very next day, she called the whole thing off. It was like a switch flipped, and the loving, gentle, caring person I had fallen in love with simply disappeared. To be replaced with this cold, matter-of-fact person I didn't recognise.
Floored, I agreed to call off the wedding (I didn't have a choice), and we agreed to carry on the relationship. I tried for a further week but it was obvious I was dealing with an unstoppable force within her to end the relationship. That wonderful person I loved so much, and who always stated how much she adored me - I was "the one", had simply disappeared. I was never to see her again.

Obviously, I am blind-sided by this and am at a loss to explain what went on. I am obviously devastated.

My question to you guys, is whether this could be connected to her alcoholism.
I spoke to her daughter about this, and she told me tearfully that she knew that this was going to happen. I asked how she knew, and she intimated that it was a pattern.

I have since found out that she had ended a two-year long relationship exactly two weeks before she started dating and met me.

I am so devastated and at a loss to explain this that I have entered therapy myself to try to deal with it. My therapist just indicted to me that I was "her drug". Even though she is dry.

I know I may be clutching at straws here, but I would welcome your thoughts.

Thanks in advance.

Fandy

I'm so very sorry for you....IDK if this is connected to her alcoholism, but her daughter gave you an inkling about her mother's past behavior and patterns. This woman should not be counselling anyone if she is not stable mentally.

I think it was very wrong for her to not be truthful to you and string you along up to the hours before the wedding, but she proably enjoyed the rush of pushing it to the last minute.

again, i'm sorry, but it sounds like she bull-sh!tted you all the way...from asking you to marry her with her hints to the last minute dress, etc...it's crazy and cruel. I don't know anyone who wouldn't be devastated by this type of action...it's worse than "cold feet"

Freedom1990

Sometimes alcoholism gets too much credit.

I'd venture she loves putting on a facade, stringing the current boyfriend/fiance of choice along and then whammo, she drops the bomb.

She's not who you thought she was, and that's the bottom line. Who knows what the underlying cause is? There are plenty of non-alcoholics with less than desirable behavior.

I am so very sorry for your pain dear.

AutumnBeauty

Is it possible that she really did love you but is afraid of marriage?....Did she have a bad first marriage? Did her parents have an abusive marriage? Is she afraid of committment? Does she not really know herself or know what she wants in life?.....kinda like in the movie Run Away Bride?

dollydo

I am sorry, I can feel your pain and confusion.

It could be totally unrelated to alcohol, she just might not be ready to marry....you, or, anyone else.

As difficult as it may be to accept today, she probably did you a favor, it would not have worked.

LeftAtTheAltar

Thanks for your thoughts everyone. I think it could be any one, or a combination of your suggestions.

I admit I was grasping at straws in wondering if it was connected to the alcoholism. I'm afraid that's all I have right now - grasping at straws.

I can get no good reason from her. All she does is keep apologising, telling me I was the best thing that ever happened to her, she will always love me, always worry about me, etc..., but no reason why she had to destroy it.

This is very true, and something I have to reconcile with myself. It was one hell of an act though. :-(

Yes, I think it is possible. I did think that was the case. It was not like a "that'll do" relationship, it was very passionate. committed and loving.
The thing that is so hard to reconcile though, is how someone can switch instantly from full-on loving and caring, to this cold, dispassionate person who seems to be able to detach with no care whatsoever. At least some compassion in the way it was done would have been commensurate with truly loving me.

That is exactly what she says. She says she is not able to commit to anyone right now. Of course, she committed to me a year ago when she accepted my proposal that she prompted, allowed me to build my life around us, move out of my house, get to know and love her children (who are also very upset by this), and plan an entire wedding (not to mention the cost involved). Just one part of it was that I just paid $3,000 for an empty cabin to float around the Southern Caribbean, $1,000 for empty seats on the plane, etc...

Just one week before she "switched", she was texting me: "I Love you soooo much. Thank you for my happy life."

Oh well, I guess I'll never know what happened there. I'll just have to try to concentrate on my own recovery.

I appreciate all your thoughts.

wywriter

(((hugs))) I have no idea if it's connected or not, or what may or may not help -- but welcome to SR, and hopefully you can at least find some small measure of peace and comfort here. I would venture that perhaps the behavior may not necessarily be linked to the alcohol abuse, but that maybe this is some facet of the behavior that may have spawned the abuse to begin with. She's a counselor, so one would assume, but I wonder...did she ever receive any counseling herself during the early days of recovery, or any time since?

I can't imagine what you're going through, but I can imagine that it's incredibly painful. Hang in there, and I'd offer more than just a virtual hug if I could -- if nothing else, here is a great place to get some of the thoughts off your chest.

Tuffgirl

I have to agree with wywriter on this one - and given her daughter has said this is a "pattern", I think you will someday in the future be grateful you dodged a bullet. This doesn't sound like marriage material anymore, does it?

My philosophy: when someone flies their true colors, take it seriously.

In the meantime, take good care. Broken hearts and dashed dreams suck. You'll always remember this, but the emotions tied to it do fade over time.

Fandy

I hope you can get reimbursed for all your expenditures...(maybe sell the tickets)???

If not her "conscious" should pay you the money back. Just because she makes these decisions, doesn't mean you have to lay down and enjoy it. If it were me, I would try to file a civl suit, just to let her know that she can't take me for a ride and expect no reaction. Maybe if you hit her in her wallet she won't keep doing this.

I am willing to bet $$$ that this is the reason that she left the dress for the last minute, because she KNEW she wasn't going to marry you. NO bride plans a big fancy wedding without buying the dress early on and going for fittings...when you put that it your post, i immediately thought, HUH???? I wonder if she ever even bought the dress???

again, I'm sorry, and in the long run, this is a lot cheaper than a divorce. I also feel sorry for her children that they are going through such a craptastic experience.

Florence

I was going to say exactly what Tuffgirl said: Consider this a bullet dodged. When someone shows you who they really are, believe them.

But it hurts today. Many hugs and well-wishes for you while you slog through the break-up. Break-ups suck anyway, but it's even worse when you find out the love of your life was a fraud. Alcoholism or not, a lot of folks here can identify with that.

Tuffgirl

I agree with Fandy.

The dress was the first thing I purchased after my engagement. Second was shoes! ; ) Priorities, baby!

LeftAtTheAltar

Many thanks for your kind words everyone.

Yes, it is tough... very tough. Probably the hardest thing I've ever had to deal with. It makes me wonder how I'll ever be able to trust any woman again.
It wouldn't be so bad if the relationship hadn't have been so fantastic, and she so convincing.

Fandy: The wedding wasn't a huge one. Very small, in fact. This was at her insistence. The biggest outlay was the rings, flights and honeymoon. We both contributed to the cost. I bought the honeymoon cruise ($3,000).
As I was leaving, she presented me with some calculations that she had done.
I was in too much in a fog at the time to take much notice of it - the last thing I was caring about was money, but she basically calculated the whole outlay that we had both put out, divided it in two, and subtracted what she had paid. She gave me $970.
Of course, now, on reflection, this wasn't a fair calculation - especially as I contributed the most, wasn't the cause of the loss, and it was something I desperately didn't want - and couldn't understand why it was happening. I still can't.

Oh well, I didn't care about the money then, and I still don't.

There were other complications as well. I had shut down my house when I moved in with her. I had no electricity, no Internet, and because of work security restrictions, the only place I could actually access work computers from was her house. And she dropped the bomb at the beginning of a three day weekend. This nearly cost me my job as well. I'm trying to get into a frame of mind where I can function and work. I need to catch up on deadlines.

The few times I saw her before I got all my gear out of the house, I tried again to extract some humanity from her. It was an impossible task. It was like talking to a stranger.
I asked her how she felt about the loss of the wedding. She replied: "Honestly? Relieved."
I asked her if she missed me. She replied: "I haven't had time to miss you."

This person is so hard to reconcile with the former one who was so loving, compassionate and caring. I guess I have to just believe the comment from Freedom1990 earlier in this thread. She just wasn't the person I thought she was.

I appreciate all your kind words.

Fandy

If she said she was "relieved"...she may have been telling you the truth for once. still it was incredibly rude for her to not give you a schedule to at least access your work programs for a week...until you got your own house back and running. it wasn't like you were a stranger off the street.

Sometimes, the biggest lies are the ones we tell ourselves....in the months to come, you will look at things differently (i think)....again, be glad that you did not marry her, she sounds like a sociopath at this point....who knows how many faces she really has???

wanttobehealthy

Sounds more like a personality disorder than simply being related to alcoholism... Push/pull issues, sweet as pie and then turning into a different person... There's a lot of info on Borderline Personality Disorder that fits much of what you describe...

More importantly, I am so sorry for your pain and your loss and the utter betrayal of trust you must be feeling. I am thinking of you.

Cyranoak

Now, firsthand, you know exactly what it's like to date a psychopath. I'm not saying she's a psychopath, but I am saying that what she said and did is consistent with that of a psychopath.

Thank god she apparently isn't a violent one.

Bullet dodged. Congratulations, and I'm sorry for your pain. The lesson, as always, is don't be surprised when alcoholics act like alcoholics, even recovering ones.

Cyranoak

wywriter

You just described my granny. Never been an addict to any outside substance in her life, but she is pure evil. This woman will smile sweetly to your face, tell you how much you mean to her, and this secretly store away any perceived slight and get you back for it when the time is right. She's largely the reason I lost custody of my son, because apparently I offended her nine years before my divorce -- I didn't know until she'd called in a favor to the judge (whom she used to date) and then showed up to testify against me. Here's the really lovely part -- the offense occurred when I was 14, and I didn't even have a clue she'd taken offense until I arrived at the courthouse on the day my divorce went before the judge when I was 23.

steve11694

Because she was very much happy about the wedding even to effect of sending text messages about the dress, I tend to believe the alcohol is what produced the sudden change.

My ex AW developed alcoholism and her new persona was completely different as perceived by me and our long time friends.

LeftAtTheAltar

Hi Steve,
I don't think she had started drinking again. I don't think that for a minute. I was just wondering if the alcolholism could possibly have anything to do with it (more like the addictive personality than actually drinking). As I said before though, I am probably just clutching at straws trying to make sense of this. :-(

Tuffgirl

I think you may be onto something there...but I hesitate to go as far as to blame alcoholism. It could be there are underlying behavioral issues that the alcohol medicated while she was actively drinking and now that she is sober...those are again at the forefront.

Ultimately, who really knows? So she's a cold-hearted you-know-what...it doesn't really matter why, does it? Did she love you at some point? Probably, in the best way she could. Was it good enough to sustain this relationship? Nope. Is there someone else out there in this HUGE world who will meet your needs and desires? YEP. And now you are free to move on with your life.

You got conned, whether intentionally or not. It just sucks. I have been in that place (not quite like yours, but close)...and it broke my heart, too. But you know what? That guy set me free, and it only took about 1 year to realize it. I am grateful today because of it.