Been a While...
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2001
Location: Grass Valley, CA, USA
Posts: 32
Been a While...
It's been a looong (too long) time since I've been on here. January 2007?!
Crazy has reared it's ugly head again. My husband started using (he's a binger) again mid-may (as far as I can tell), I had to put my 17 yr old dog down last week, and later today I pay for a house 3 hrs away from here. My hair and knuckles are white- I am overwhelmed. My sons are now old enough to see that something is going on, they are grilling me for Daddy's whereabouts.
I have been going to f2f meetings and they are helping, I think I have memorized Codependent No More.
What I am struggling with are my protective conditions...
Text me with living or dead status, what county you are driving around in, when you expect to be home. I realize that this is controlling-but his addiction is controlling our family with anger and anxiety. I feel like I have laid down and accepted lots of things over the years-weakness/powerlessness, deplorable behavior. The problem is that I have tried to protect my kids from this type of rejection and disrespect. I am failing now. What they are learning from their father is deplorable behavior.
Neither of us has ever mentioned their fathers addiction (to crack/and everything else he can get his hands on) to the kids. I have always insisted that they are too young and that it is inappropriate. (Almost 6 and 7) Now I'm not so sure. I want him to talk to the boys about it because I don't want to be the one to get in the way of their relationship with their father. I want the elephant out of the room.
Cheekie
Crazy has reared it's ugly head again. My husband started using (he's a binger) again mid-may (as far as I can tell), I had to put my 17 yr old dog down last week, and later today I pay for a house 3 hrs away from here. My hair and knuckles are white- I am overwhelmed. My sons are now old enough to see that something is going on, they are grilling me for Daddy's whereabouts.
I have been going to f2f meetings and they are helping, I think I have memorized Codependent No More.
What I am struggling with are my protective conditions...
Text me with living or dead status, what county you are driving around in, when you expect to be home. I realize that this is controlling-but his addiction is controlling our family with anger and anxiety. I feel like I have laid down and accepted lots of things over the years-weakness/powerlessness, deplorable behavior. The problem is that I have tried to protect my kids from this type of rejection and disrespect. I am failing now. What they are learning from their father is deplorable behavior.
Neither of us has ever mentioned their fathers addiction (to crack/and everything else he can get his hands on) to the kids. I have always insisted that they are too young and that it is inappropriate. (Almost 6 and 7) Now I'm not so sure. I want him to talk to the boys about it because I don't want to be the one to get in the way of their relationship with their father. I want the elephant out of the room.
Cheekie
Member
Join Date: Dec 2007
Location: The Jungle
Posts: 5,435
There is a great stickie about talking to children about addiction:
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...e-abusers.html
I am dealing with something similar with my AS's young son. The questions are beginning to come and I need to have answers that are respectful for his father yet truthful for him.
gentle hugs
ke
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...e-abusers.html
I am dealing with something similar with my AS's young son. The questions are beginning to come and I need to have answers that are respectful for his father yet truthful for him.
gentle hugs
ke
Member
Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: Chicago area
Posts: 4,269
Originally Posted by cheekie 
I realize that this is controlling-but his addiction is controlling our family with anger and anxiety.
Actually, no. His addiction controls him. You have a choice to be swept along with it or not.
I feel like I have laid down and accepted lots of things over the years-weakness/powerlessness, deplorable behavior.
This was your choice to accept or not.
The problem is that I have tried to protect my kids from this type of rejection and disrespect. I am failing now. What they are learning from their father is deplorable behavior.
The choice to accept deplorable behavior teaches children to be doormats.
Neither of us has ever mentioned their fathers addiction (to crack/and everything else he can get his hands on) to the kids. I have always insisted that they are too young and that it is inappropriate. (Almost 6 and 7) Now I'm not so sure. I want him to talk to the boys about it because I don't want to be the one to get in the way of their relationship with their father. I want the elephant out of the room.
Cheekie
Where exactly does the protection part come into this?
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2001
Location: Grass Valley, CA, USA
Posts: 32
We are who we are, and during the sober years we love each other very much. I sill love him and feel sorry for him, during the flare-ups. That doesn't mean that I don't feel angry, frustrated or disrespected at times. I have accepted that he will always be a drug addict-recovering or not. It's just been a while since he's given in-and things are hard right now (lots going on).
There is a reason that kids have relationships with addicts, they are born into families of dysfunction where drug addiction is a factor. Lives are complicated. Humans are flawed beings. I am addicted to nicotine and caffiene; does that mean my children should not have a relationship with me? I do try to protect my kids, I am feeling resentful of any allusions to the contrary. They do not live in a volatile family environment, we are not destitute, there is not any illicit drug use in our home.
Everything I do is with them in mind. I try to deflect as much of the crappy behavior as I can. I'm not new to this. Just feeling run down, and out of answers.
I came here not seeking value judgments-mostly experience, hope and understanding.
Looking for someone who might also have a struggle with the fine line of detachment/control/boundary issues. Not to have my personal faults and parenting skills called into question.
There is a reason that kids have relationships with addicts, they are born into families of dysfunction where drug addiction is a factor. Lives are complicated. Humans are flawed beings. I am addicted to nicotine and caffiene; does that mean my children should not have a relationship with me? I do try to protect my kids, I am feeling resentful of any allusions to the contrary. They do not live in a volatile family environment, we are not destitute, there is not any illicit drug use in our home.
Everything I do is with them in mind. I try to deflect as much of the crappy behavior as I can. I'm not new to this. Just feeling run down, and out of answers.
I came here not seeking value judgments-mostly experience, hope and understanding.
Looking for someone who might also have a struggle with the fine line of detachment/control/boundary issues. Not to have my personal faults and parenting skills called into question.
Forum Leader
Join Date: Dec 2004
Location: The Burgh
Posts: 1,991
Welcome back Cheekie,
I'm sorry that you're experiencing the fall out that addiction brings. I have little experieince in the addict/father/child arena, but I want you to know that you've come to a safe place.
Other will be along to share their experiences and to offer an ear ( and a shoulder) if you need it.
(((Hugs)))
I'm sorry that you're experiencing the fall out that addiction brings. I have little experieince in the addict/father/child arena, but I want you to know that you've come to a safe place.
Other will be along to share their experiences and to offer an ear ( and a shoulder) if you need it.
(((Hugs)))
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