artist83

Hi all. Anyone have any suggestions about DETACHING yourself from a substance abuser? I've been trying so hard not to let his addiction take over my thoughts, my life, but I just can't seem to stop worrying about him. I'm trying to emotionally detach myself from him, but at the end of every day, the anxiety and stress always come back. My heart is beating out of my chest right now just because I'm thinking about it.

What is a girl to do?

Chino

Enter "detachment" or "detaching" in the forums search feature and you'll find a treasure trove

Meetings helped me with detaching, because they put the focus back on me. I also stayed as busy as possible to break the cycling inside my head. I played music, changed the channel, I did whatever I could think of at the moment. I faked it until I made it. Worrying and stressing over stuff out of my control became an addiction for me, just as much as my daughter's addiction to opiates.

Freedom1990

Honestly, I couldn't detach from an active user who was shooting up in the home.

I'd lose my ever loving mind.

I don't have active addiction in my home, and that includes my 33-year-old AD.

She's got to have at least 2 years solid recovery before she ever gets in my front door again.

mhealer3

pretend he's not yours.
like--not ur husband, or kid--whichever(can't tell from ur post).
be the 'other person' in your mind 4 awhile............
(the 'other person' is the person who is really thankful that this isn't her problem).
it's mentally destroying ur connection to him. be willing to have no emotions whatsoever about him, & it will be easily done.
never look back though, cause 'waffling' will hurt u more than aything.
get ready 2 feel nothing for him ever again.
(he even looks different to you afterwards.) like someone u barely know, or can't remember much about.(thank God).
i'm not kidding. get 2 work.

artist83

pretend he's not yours...
get ready 2 feel nothing for him ever again...

Honestly, this is the hardest thing I have ever had to do. It makes my heart pound just thinking about it, but I don't know how else to emotionally detach myself from him (my boyfriend). I'm going to try, I really am, and hopefully this will benefit both of us in the long run.

peaches28

The easiest way I can explain what helped me was to quit 'reacting' to my husband's acting out. He immediately saw the difference in me, and knew I had reached my limit. I think as codies, we sometimes have to hit rock bottom just like the addicts, before we are finally ready to take action. I'll give you an example about detaching. One Friday night around 8 pm, my husband out of the blue says that he needs to go to his brother's house (who's an addict also, and lives 3 hours away), and help him install some carpet. He said he would be back around 10 the next morning. I wasn't born yesterday. I didn't get mad and react, grilling him with questions like "you're going to lay carpet overnight?" and "this has to be done right this second?" etc. Instead I didn't react at all. I simply said "okay" and left it at that. I didn't call him or text him that night checking up on him or anything. If that's what he chose to do, then fine. I chose to take a long bubble bath and watch my favorite movie, something that made me happy. I didn't lose a wink of sleep over him that night either!

artist83

Peaches,

Thank you soooooo much for that post! That is just what I needed to hear.

I actually just detached myself from him and didn't even realize it. About two hours ago, he said he needed to bring his friend a tire for his motorbike. Why would he have his friends motorbike tire in his truck anyway? I can smell a lie a mile away, but I just let it roll off of my shoulders and said "okay". It doesn't take two hours to get to his friend's and back, but I didn't panic, didn't call or text him. I talked to my aunt on the phone and read a bit, and when he showed up a few minutes ago, I just said "hey". I didn't ask any questions and went back to what I was doing.

I CAN do this! Thanks for the support!

ThatLittleGirl

As codies, we are as addicted to our addicts, as they are to their doc. That being said, I could not live in the same house as my exah and detach. The "crazies" overcame me every time he behaved erratically; which was every day. So I made the decision I could not live with my blood pressure being elevated every day, pretending that him sleeping until 3:00 in the afternoon was normal, & having to watch my purse (cash/credit cards) every single second he was home. I was a prisoner. Not to mention we had twin daughters, and I was tired of exposing them to his addiction. So detachment for me was moving out of the house and filing for divorce, taking our daughters with me. My exah is still an active addict. Now my tolerance for his behavior is so low, we talk only through email 90% of the time. It's just better that way. I refuse to allow his addiction to ruin the peace I've finally established for myself.

I truly admire those who can detach and still live with their addict. For me, detachment, true detachment, only came with space from my ex.

I wish you the best!!!

peaches28

Artist, good for you! The first steps are the hardest to take. It will get easier in time. If you haven't already read the stickey on the first page of the forum titled "what addicts do", I highly suggest it. I actually printed it out and carry it around in my wallet. Some days I find I need the reminder to think of my husband as the addict that is described. It helps me to not take things he does personally. It's just what addicts do.

artist83

ThatLittleGirl:

I think the reason I've been having so much trouble detaching from my ABF is because we live together; he also works for my father, which makes it even more difficult since I work for my father. We are around each other a lot and it's hard to detach from someone you spend so much time with (even though half of our time together is work related).

But I am getting better at it, and yes, I very often want to scream and the top of my lungs and pull my hair out (and sometimes I do), but I am improving the way I react to his addiction. He's noticed it too and has been more concerned about me lately, concerned about my health (I have a heart condition), and concerned about my emotional state. So maybe this slight detachment from him is actually working for both of us.

All I can do is keep working on ME and stop rescuing HIM.

artist83

Peaches,

I printed it out last week and have been carrying it around with me ever since. I read it when I start making his addiction about ME, to remind myself that it has nothing to do with me. He is an addict, and that's what addicts do.

ThatLittleGirl

Put yourself in their shoes, they are who they are, but we demand that they be someone else, we demand that they live up to our vision of who they should be, who we want them to be. Imagine trying to live your own life having to play a character and live up to someone else’s twisted demands. - Cynical, this is so true.

It took me a long time untangle my emotions from my exah so I could see clearly. At the time, I could never have developed a sense of detachment without space from him; I was too sick myself.

Lestersquare

"Worrying and stressing over stuff out of my control became an addiction for me, just as much as my daughter's addiction to opiates"

So true Chino - I can relate.
Thanks for that.

coolidge

This thread has been helpful to me. Thank you! I have had hardly any contact with my son for a week, which has been the first time. It was so peaceful, I finally got some rest. The only time I stressed was during the time frame of day when I knew he could be drinking but not receiving any chaotic calls was very nice. Know it's a little different as he doesn't live in my home, but still very nearby. I feel RELIEF.

artist83

Coolidge,

Glad you are feeling a bit better about detaching from your son. I've been trying to do this, detach from my boyfriend, for the longest time now, and now that I have done it, I'm already feeling much calmer. I've also been able to focus on the bigger picture and myself a lot more. Don't get me wrong, I still worry about him, but I'm not doing it nearly as much as before, not letting the ill feelings take over my life, and it feels good.

I hope things will keep getting better for you as well!

coolidge

Interesting. My younger sister has always had deeper seated anxiety issues about even the small things in life. I have always been the carefree type. We are close in age and very much alike but very different in those ways. We've talked about this many times as she always expressed jealousy about it. I was surprised as being more easy going has caused me my own troubles :-D

It's just interesting for me to note to myself how this ONE thing I could not stop obsessing over. Which lead to wondering how many co-dependents or enablers might be anxious people naturally and how many are not.

artist83

Coolidge,

I understand what you're saying. My sister and I were much like you and your sister. My sister is mildly mentally ******** & has obsessive-compulsive personality disorder, so obviously she has always been the one with the extreme anxiety problems. She worries about everything, always has. My mom is a lot like her too - always worried about the silliest things, while my father and I have always been the carefree ones, or at least I thought I was carefree.

My therapist and I talked about my codependency for our entire session last week and I learned a lot about myself and why I am so codependent now when I used to be so worry free and relaxed. My father has put a lot of pressure on me throughout my entire life, sort of forced me into the "golden child" role without even knowing it. My sister couldn't do a lot of things as a child because of her disability, so I took over and tried to please my parents, show them that I could live up to the expectations they had set for me. That's a lot of pressure for a child, and it continue throughout my life.

I guess I thought if I succeeded at everything it would make up for what my sister couldn't do. I put so much pressure on myself to be the best of the best, and I still do. Nothing is ever good enough for me, and my biggest fear is disappointing my father, which is a very unhealthy way of thinking.

Everyone in our extended family sees me as "the rock", the one who never breaks under pressure. I always had a 4.0 GPA (high school and college), was the first grandchild to graduate from college, etc. When my mom was falling apart during my cousin's battle with brain cancer, I was the one the family turned to. I took care of her, spent night after night at the hospital, holding her together and watching him waste away. I even had to give the eulogies at my 8-year-old cousin's and grandfather's funerals - talk about pressure!

And one day, I just broke down. All that pressure was just so overwhelming and I couldn't handle it. I hadn't even realized what I had been doing to myself for so long, quietly self-destructing. I was so entangled in everyone else's problems and needs that I had forgotten about my own needs, my own happiness. I never put myself first, always put my needs on the back burner, and eventually it caught up with me, hit me full force. And now I don't know how to function!

If I can't solve a problem or help someone, I panic and feel like a failure, which is not helping the situation between me and my addicted boyfriend. I now realize that I am not responsible for everyone, I can't take care of the world. I know that I have to let things go and take care of myself first, but this will be a very long process for me, maybe a life-long process. But at least I'm on the path to recovery, and that feels good.

Sorry for rambling, but I just wanted you to know that I do understand what you are saying, and you are right. All codependents are different - some of us have been that way our entire lives while others, like myself, put so much pressure on ourselves that we eventually fall apart and crack under the pressure.

Chino

Codependency is not a disorder, and I think it was cynical one that said codependency is the gateway to disorders. I agree with that and realize many codies may have disorders that seriously complicate the whole process of detaching. It drives home the absolute need to focus on self.