Questions about rehab
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2011
Location: Southampton, Va.
Posts: 12
Questions about rehab
Well, first off this is my 1st post here, and I'm glad I stumbled across this site. I was looking for info on rehab a few days ago. The very condensed version: My wife had developed a serious drinking problem over the last 15 years, as well as dependency on prescription anti-depressants. Thru this time, there has been jobs lost, major medical bills, due to seizures, and other drinking related problems, 3 dui's, jail, fines, crashed/totaled cars, and other sordid details,etc, etc.
I've endured thru all of this, yes I know, I'm insane, and most would label me this or that for doing so. I'll not debate that at this point. To make a long story shorter, I recently told her I'd had enough, and I was going to move out and put my stuff in storage. Well I guess this was the spark needed, and at a suprise to me, she checked herself into a detox/rehab clinic. Ok, I would be less than truthful if I said I was not a bit skeptical. She states she is serious about recovery, and I feel she's sincere, and states she does not want to end our marriage(31 yrs). And yes, it will be a long road, but I'm committed to helping.
Anyway my question(s): While in detox, a seperate facility, she contacted me every day. Since being in rehab, I talked to her briefly ,via phone, on the first day.(2.5hrs away) But since then, no contact at all, nada. The facility sent me a packet detailing the program, but has absolutely no info for the family(me).
Ok, I don't have a problem staying away, and no contact, but shouldn't they at least let family members know, in advance, what to expect? And how much involvement the family will have through the treatment? I know some facilities advertise family involvement every step of the way. She did vaguely mention, that there would be one day, sometime in a week or two, where we would meet together with a counsler. It just seems very un-professional, imho. I'm sitting here in limbo land, not knowing what's going on. Am I being too anxious? Or too critical? I know some of you must have experienced this, so please help me understand this process. I'm living alone, in the rurals, not many people around etc etc. All sorts of crazy thoughts go thru your mind
Not to mention a growing resentment over this whole affair, as you can imagine. Help?
I've endured thru all of this, yes I know, I'm insane, and most would label me this or that for doing so. I'll not debate that at this point. To make a long story shorter, I recently told her I'd had enough, and I was going to move out and put my stuff in storage. Well I guess this was the spark needed, and at a suprise to me, she checked herself into a detox/rehab clinic. Ok, I would be less than truthful if I said I was not a bit skeptical. She states she is serious about recovery, and I feel she's sincere, and states she does not want to end our marriage(31 yrs). And yes, it will be a long road, but I'm committed to helping.
Anyway my question(s): While in detox, a seperate facility, she contacted me every day. Since being in rehab, I talked to her briefly ,via phone, on the first day.(2.5hrs away) But since then, no contact at all, nada. The facility sent me a packet detailing the program, but has absolutely no info for the family(me).
Ok, I don't have a problem staying away, and no contact, but shouldn't they at least let family members know, in advance, what to expect? And how much involvement the family will have through the treatment? I know some facilities advertise family involvement every step of the way. She did vaguely mention, that there would be one day, sometime in a week or two, where we would meet together with a counsler. It just seems very un-professional, imho. I'm sitting here in limbo land, not knowing what's going on. Am I being too anxious? Or too critical? I know some of you must have experienced this, so please help me understand this process. I'm living alone, in the rurals, not many people around etc etc. All sorts of crazy thoughts go thru your mind
Not to mention a growing resentment over this whole affair, as you can imagine. Help?
Member
Join Date: Mar 2009
Posts: 273
Welcome.
I'm sure someone who has personal experience with partner/spouse in rehab will be along soon.
You've found a great place with tons of information available for you and a lot of support.
Please take time to look around the site and read some of the stickies posted above. Also do some searches and you will find similar threads.
I know that for me Alanon was a great source of support. Maybe there is a meeting in your area?
You are not alone in situation or in your feelings!
I'm sure someone who has personal experience with partner/spouse in rehab will be along soon.
You've found a great place with tons of information available for you and a lot of support.
Please take time to look around the site and read some of the stickies posted above. Also do some searches and you will find similar threads.
I know that for me Alanon was a great source of support. Maybe there is a meeting in your area?
You are not alone in situation or in your feelings!
Member
Join Date: Nov 2009
Location: carolina girl
Posts: 578
Welcome to SR
Find an Al Anon meeting close by, and start going, every day if you can. Al Anon if for the friends and families of alcoholics, for us to start our OWN recovery from the effects of living with this disease. This is the best thing you can do for yourself, as well as her, if you want to help in her recovery.
Take care
Find an Al Anon meeting close by, and start going, every day if you can. Al Anon if for the friends and families of alcoholics, for us to start our OWN recovery from the effects of living with this disease. This is the best thing you can do for yourself, as well as her, if you want to help in her recovery.
Take care
Member
Join Date: Jul 2011
Location: hot as heck, az
Posts: 142
Hi John:
My partner left for rehab 17 days ago (90 day program). At first it was baffling b/c like you, the decision was split second and not a lot of info on the program. To top it off, they merged companies so everything on the website was "under construction". I remember feeling a lot like you do; the questions, the resentment. I felt a bit pushed aside by her program.
Because nobody told me anything and I wasn't getting any calls from her, I called the facility to ask general questions about her program. The receptionist wasn't the most friendly lady; she put me on hold for about 10 min to come back and tell me "10 days no contact". Fortunately this was all I needed to hear at the time. Mind you, this is a publicly funded program, so I don't know if your wife is in private or public or if it makes a difference.
At any rate once she was able to call me, I found out about the family times and phone call rules, so I know more what to expect. The first visit was today and went well (yay). She showed me all the stuff she's been working on and the itinerary of her day.
I'm sure not all programs are the same but the best thing i can tell you is to call the facility and ask when she'll be allowed to speak with you. She will most likely fill you in on the rest.
I do encourage you to go to Al Anon or Nar Anon (there's not as many of those groups) and check it out. All they will say initially is "keep coming back it works" which I found annoying at first but what do you know, I did and it does. At least for me.
My partner left for rehab 17 days ago (90 day program). At first it was baffling b/c like you, the decision was split second and not a lot of info on the program. To top it off, they merged companies so everything on the website was "under construction". I remember feeling a lot like you do; the questions, the resentment. I felt a bit pushed aside by her program.
Because nobody told me anything and I wasn't getting any calls from her, I called the facility to ask general questions about her program. The receptionist wasn't the most friendly lady; she put me on hold for about 10 min to come back and tell me "10 days no contact". Fortunately this was all I needed to hear at the time. Mind you, this is a publicly funded program, so I don't know if your wife is in private or public or if it makes a difference.
At any rate once she was able to call me, I found out about the family times and phone call rules, so I know more what to expect. The first visit was today and went well (yay). She showed me all the stuff she's been working on and the itinerary of her day.
I'm sure not all programs are the same but the best thing i can tell you is to call the facility and ask when she'll be allowed to speak with you. She will most likely fill you in on the rest.
I do encourage you to go to Al Anon or Nar Anon (there's not as many of those groups) and check it out. All they will say initially is "keep coming back it works" which I found annoying at first but what do you know, I did and it does. At least for me.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2011
Location: INDIANA
Posts: 39
The rehab facility my husband has been to several times advertized family involvement, but really there was not any when he was an inpatient except for one family meeting. There was involvement during the out patient classes. Maybe you can call the facility and ask to speak to someone about how you can get involved if she chooses for you to do so. However your involvement or lack there of will have no impact on weather she gets sober and stays that way.That is all up to her.
I got good information on the disease concept from the facility my husband was in. They also taught a lot about that. Which was good.But it didn't help me heal myself. It just helped me understand the disease he was suffereing from.
However, in my expierence, I wanted support for myself and wanted healing for myself and I found that in Al-Anon.
I highly recomend you try it. Try at least six meeting and make at least two of them at different locations.
Take Care of yourself,
Amanda
I got good information on the disease concept from the facility my husband was in. They also taught a lot about that. Which was good.But it didn't help me heal myself. It just helped me understand the disease he was suffereing from.
However, in my expierence, I wanted support for myself and wanted healing for myself and I found that in Al-Anon.
I highly recomend you try it. Try at least six meeting and make at least two of them at different locations.
Take Care of yourself,
Amanda
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2011
Location: Southampton, Va.
Posts: 12
Thanks so much for your replies, it means a lot. I will start looking for the Al-Anon mtgs around here. They're recommended so much, there must be something to them. Just to have replies like yours really helps to not feel so isolated-thanks so much. Oh, and BTW, it is a public program. J
peaceful seabird
Join Date: Sep 2008
Location: floating
Posts: 4,822
Welcome to the SR family John!
Please make yourself at home by reading and posting as much as needed. I highly recommend the permanent (sticky) posts at the top of the pages. They contain some of our stories and loads of wisdom from others that have similar experiences.
While living with alcoholism in my home, I found the following steps very helpful:
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...l-problem.html
Please make yourself at home by reading and posting as much as needed. I highly recommend the permanent (sticky) posts at the top of the pages. They contain some of our stories and loads of wisdom from others that have similar experiences.
While living with alcoholism in my home, I found the following steps very helpful:
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...l-problem.html
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2011
Location: Southampton, Va.
Posts: 12
That's a very good link Pelican, thanks for that. I know I'm guilty of at least 50% of the list. But I've also been accused of being "stern/rigid", because I won't stop living my life, and being a responsible person. Her family (siblings) also try and blame me for her ills, but ironically, they're all alcoholics and/or drug users too!!
Gotta blame somebody, right?
Gotta blame somebody, right?
Member
Join Date: Jun 2011
Posts: 598
When my son went to rehab, we were encouraged to stay away for 30 days. We were out of state anyway, so we did so.
We did text him and speak to him by phone. The center was not strict about using his phone--just not during the day when they were having their meetings.
There were two family times at the center--Friday nights and Sunday afternoons. My husband and I didn't attend either of them because we were out of state. I certainly wanted to, but with the center saying to stay away 30 days, hopefully we would have trusted the counselor and done so.
Being out of state, my husband and I were not able to attend any family sessions either. However, we did call to speak to one of the counselors and he was always helpful in explaining what was going on.
We did text him and speak to him by phone. The center was not strict about using his phone--just not during the day when they were having their meetings.
There were two family times at the center--Friday nights and Sunday afternoons. My husband and I didn't attend either of them because we were out of state. I certainly wanted to, but with the center saying to stay away 30 days, hopefully we would have trusted the counselor and done so.
Being out of state, my husband and I were not able to attend any family sessions either. However, we did call to speak to one of the counselors and he was always helpful in explaining what was going on.
Chaotically Peaceful
Join Date: Jan 2007
Location: A state of peace
Posts: 322
Some facilities have a no contact period during the first few days of treatment. The reason for this is often because they want to discourage isolation in the program and instead, force clients to connect with the other people in the facility.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2006
Location: Colorado Springs, CO
Posts: 2,391
You can talk to the facility and ask them about family programs that are closer to you, including going to Alanon. My husband could not attend most of the family meetings at my rehab but could go to Alanon and did several times. The family meetings were during his regular work day and Alanon has a more open schedule.
Welcome to SR. I am so glad you are here.
Welcome to SR. I am so glad you are here.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2010
Location: the moon, milky way
Posts: 1,250
Hi John, isolating the addict/alcoholic is typical and it is to protect both you and the alcoholic from more enabling. I agree it should be done with more finesse at some places; it almost makes the loved one feel like the cause or the 'bad guy' but that is where al-anon or therapy really helps you.
Also remember it is difficult for those in early recovery to face what they have put others through and there is lots of avoidance on that topic. They are really able to focus on themselves and how they affect others & themselves with this disease. Everyone told me to not take it personally but I know it is hard not to if you are the one feeling those strong feelings. But it isn't personal.
They call it a family disease for a reason but the treatment goes directly to the alcoholic's life story. That has to be mended before any outside focusing or mending can take place.
bb
Also remember it is difficult for those in early recovery to face what they have put others through and there is lots of avoidance on that topic. They are really able to focus on themselves and how they affect others & themselves with this disease. Everyone told me to not take it personally but I know it is hard not to if you are the one feeling those strong feelings. But it isn't personal.
They call it a family disease for a reason but the treatment goes directly to the alcoholic's life story. That has to be mended before any outside focusing or mending can take place.
bb
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2011
Location: Southampton, Va.
Posts: 12
Thanks for that Babyblue. Through comments like yours, and others, I'm getting a much better picture of what to expect, and eases my mind considerably. Again, your remarks are highly appreciated.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2011
Posts: 15
Hi John,
You responded to my first post regarding this same issue ie: wife away in rehab with no info, kept in the dark etc...
I totally agree that there should be more dialogue with the loved ones, in terms of what to expect, what's going on etc.
It is frustrating, I know.
I still have MANY moments of bitterness, insecurity etc.
But keep in mind that this is a "process".
And while it may seem like a bit of mystery right now, just know that your wife is in goods hands and is working her butt off everyday.
Your patience will pay off.
Now if I could just take my own advice.....
You responded to my first post regarding this same issue ie: wife away in rehab with no info, kept in the dark etc...
I totally agree that there should be more dialogue with the loved ones, in terms of what to expect, what's going on etc.
It is frustrating, I know.
I still have MANY moments of bitterness, insecurity etc.
But keep in mind that this is a "process".
And while it may seem like a bit of mystery right now, just know that your wife is in goods hands and is working her butt off everyday.
Your patience will pay off.
Now if I could just take my own advice.....
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2011
Location: Southampton, Va.
Posts: 12
Originally Posted by Lestersquare 
Hi John,
You responded to my first post regarding this same issue ie: wife away in rehab with no info, kept in the dark etc...
I totally agree that there should be more dialogue with the loved ones, in terms of what to expect, what's going on etc.
It is frustrating, I know.
I still have MANY moments of bitterness, insecurity etc.
But keep in mind that this is a "process".
And while it may seem like a bit of mystery right now, just know that your wife is in goods hands and is working her butt off everyday.
Your patience will pay off.
Now if I could just take my own advice.....
You responded to my first post regarding this same issue ie: wife away in rehab with no info, kept in the dark etc...
I totally agree that there should be more dialogue with the loved ones, in terms of what to expect, what's going on etc.
It is frustrating, I know.
I still have MANY moments of bitterness, insecurity etc.
But keep in mind that this is a "process".
And while it may seem like a bit of mystery right now, just know that your wife is in goods hands and is working her butt off everyday.
Your patience will pay off.
Now if I could just take my own advice.....
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2011
Location: Southampton, Va.
Posts: 12
Continuing frustrations w/ rehab: My wife wrote me they were sending her and 2 others to be evaluated by a psychiatrist on Fri. She was very nervous, and the shrink offered her Xanax to calm her a bit. This is part of the reason she is there, dependence on Xanax!!!! She went thru de-tox a few weeks ago to get off of this and booze!
Am I missing something here? Am I overreacting, (again)? Something just seems wrong with this picture.
Oh, and to her great credit, she turned it down...
Am I missing something here? Am I overreacting, (again)? Something just seems wrong with this picture.
Oh, and to her great credit, she turned it down...
Member
Join Date: Feb 2011
Posts: 696
Psychiatrist evaluation's...Oh yeah, been there done that with mine. That is normal.
They check for depression, ptsd, bi-polar and stuff like that.
I wish the rehabs would give the family "A PLAN" but most of them dont. It leaves
us feeling left out to dry..
All my xah counselor would say to me is, Are you going to Alanon?
Well in the confussed state of mind that I was in, I questioned that, I avoided
that, I tried to go, but didnt really understand why I was to go.
It was like talking to a brick wall, I just didnt get it...What was so important
for me to go, he was the one with the problem (wrong answer)
Alcoholism changed me too. I just didnt see it that way. Now I do..
From my experiance I would say that if I had to do it all over again, I would:
Stay away from the phone, Not worry about her (she is with professionals),
Get myself into a Alanon class today, read on this site, find the books that
are suggested for you to read, educate myself on alcoholism. Like put it
in high gear, educate your mind you have a short time to get there before
she gets out. Love yourself enough to do that!! We tend to forget about US
because we are always so busy taking care of them..
BECAUSE:::: When she gets out, YOU need to be ready to deal with alot
of new issues that you cant even imagine thats going to hit in you in the
head and stab you in the heart
The ride has only begun....GET YOURSELF READY TO ROLL!!!
Wish I would have done that, for myself....And hope you do the same for YOU!!!
My family day, well ummm...Was not pleasant. It is a day where anger, hurt
fear, and the rest of the list of emotions that came spewing out of our mouths.
It is a day, where some find peace and others find the truth.
Now matter what, take care of YOU!! I cant stress that enough to you....
I know you wonder, what does she mean take care of me, Im fine!
Well your not, straight up!! Your not....
Go to a Alanon class a couple of times, open up your heart, share, talk and listen.
You will find out more about yourself there than you will anywhere else
And it's really nice...The classes are free...Damn, I think your worth free..
Dont you???
Get Chompin'...Find a class, You can Thank Me later!!
They check for depression, ptsd, bi-polar and stuff like that.
I wish the rehabs would give the family "A PLAN" but most of them dont. It leaves
us feeling left out to dry..
All my xah counselor would say to me is, Are you going to Alanon?
Well in the confussed state of mind that I was in, I questioned that, I avoided
that, I tried to go, but didnt really understand why I was to go.
It was like talking to a brick wall, I just didnt get it...What was so important
for me to go, he was the one with the problem (wrong answer)
Alcoholism changed me too. I just didnt see it that way. Now I do..
From my experiance I would say that if I had to do it all over again, I would:
Stay away from the phone, Not worry about her (she is with professionals),
Get myself into a Alanon class today, read on this site, find the books that
are suggested for you to read, educate myself on alcoholism. Like put it
in high gear, educate your mind you have a short time to get there before
she gets out. Love yourself enough to do that!! We tend to forget about US
because we are always so busy taking care of them..
BECAUSE:::: When she gets out, YOU need to be ready to deal with alot
of new issues that you cant even imagine thats going to hit in you in the
head and stab you in the heart
The ride has only begun....GET YOURSELF READY TO ROLL!!!
Wish I would have done that, for myself....And hope you do the same for YOU!!!
My family day, well ummm...Was not pleasant. It is a day where anger, hurt
fear, and the rest of the list of emotions that came spewing out of our mouths.
It is a day, where some find peace and others find the truth.
Now matter what, take care of YOU!! I cant stress that enough to you....
I know you wonder, what does she mean take care of me, Im fine!
Well your not, straight up!! Your not....
Go to a Alanon class a couple of times, open up your heart, share, talk and listen.
You will find out more about yourself there than you will anywhere else
And it's really nice...The classes are free...Damn, I think your worth free..
Dont you???
Get Chompin'...Find a class, You can Thank Me later!!
Member
Join Date: Feb 2011
Posts: 696
P.S. - We have all walked in your shoes, the money, the dui's, the excuses, the lies
Go to a Alanon class, not one person in that room will judge you, its a room
where, you meet people that have walked in your shoes. You dont have to
say your sorry for shedding a tear, they will know what each tear drop stands
for without you having to say a word...
You are NOT alone...Read this site, Crap, We all have the same stories, just
different characters!!
My heart is with you today...Many Many PRAYERS coming your way!!!
Go to a Alanon class, not one person in that room will judge you, its a room
where, you meet people that have walked in your shoes. You dont have to
say your sorry for shedding a tear, they will know what each tear drop stands
for without you having to say a word...
You are NOT alone...Read this site, Crap, We all have the same stories, just
different characters!!
My heart is with you today...Many Many PRAYERS coming your way!!!
Member
Join Date: Jan 2011
Location: Anchorage, Alaska
Posts: 4,719
I'm with BobbyJ on this one - so I thanked her now!
I thought quitting drinking would be the answer and the end to the craziness. It was only the first little baby step. I was not prepared for the long road to recovery and after two months, ended up leaving my RAH anyway. We're still married, but living separately, and I recognize now I was pretty ignorant to what recovery is like. When I began to focus on my own is when I found some peace and sanity again. I think its easy to overlook the effect it has on us, too.
It is a journey - this thing called recovery. For all of us. Good luck to you on yours.
I thought quitting drinking would be the answer and the end to the craziness. It was only the first little baby step. I was not prepared for the long road to recovery and after two months, ended up leaving my RAH anyway. We're still married, but living separately, and I recognize now I was pretty ignorant to what recovery is like. When I began to focus on my own is when I found some peace and sanity again. I think its easy to overlook the effect it has on us, too.
It is a journey - this thing called recovery. For all of us. Good luck to you on yours.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2011
Location: CA
Posts: 428
It is a huge step your AW has taken. As the others have stated it is time for you to focus on you. Living with an active A is a mind twisting, roller coaster riding, personality changing event. I would highly recommend Al-anon, reading as much as you can about alcoholism and seeing a therapist. You need to get healthy too! If you want to give your marriage the best chance at surviving this is the path you need to walk down. You will be amazed at how much head clutter you have and how great it feels to clean it out and get it organized.
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