barelysurviving

I wanted to introduce myself a little, maybe someone can give me some insight.

I grew up in a very religious environment, was never around anyone that drank.....at all. It just wasn't done. Of course when I went to college I was exposed to frat guys partying and all of that, but it never had an appeal. I ended up marrying in my early 20's, that marriage feel apart because of his rampant infidelity...I was crushed...barely able to get out of bed, which was a problem because by that point I had a two month old.

After having to go back to work, pick up the pieces, etc.....which was extremely painful for me, I went to work and put my child in daycare. Eventually a man pursued me relentlessly, and somehow I fell under his spell. My child was a toddler at this time, we would go on dates once or twice a week, but lived separately. He worked nights, and I worked days....so for the first year or so, I didn't really know what he was up to most of the time. He seemed very charming, and would always have a cocktail or glass of wine when we would go on dates. Slowly, I began to see things that I found odd, but I guess because I had never really been around an alcoholic....I didn't realize what his problem was....I think because I'd never been exposed to booze.

He would go into complete rages about the tiniest little thing...any weird thing. The more he lied, the more I seemed to want to figure it out. I tried desperately to please him....but he would always be late, or wouldn't show up at all, would tell lies when the truth would have been a better option. I found myself driving past his place, doing all of the crazy stuff. More and more, he would put me down....I was rail thin at the time, but he would call me fat. He would insult me in public....one time that comes to mind I was shopping for treadmills and he told the store clerk I was fat and wouldn't use it...things like that. Slowly I adjusted to this treatment.

My big mistake....I caught him cheating. Well that made me want him more! My self esteem was so in the toilet from the first marriage, I was determined to win him back......which I thought I did. Looking back, I'm sure the woman who he was dating couldn't handle his crazyness, and he came crawling back.

He moved in with me, things were okay. Always a problem with the sex in that he couldn't perform. Of course this was my fault, I was unattractive. Gradually I became even more depressed. Everything was my fault. He would scream and go crazy and throw things, simply if I looked at him incorrectly. Eventually people started telling me he was an alcoholic. He got a DUI, but claimed it was ridiculous because he was just celebrating someone's birthday. He was fired from two very good 6 figure jobs in the space of a few years....he would say this wasn't due to drinking, but I suspect it was. More and more, he was a tyrant. His money was his, he was living in my house, eating my food, using everything I owned.....yet not contributing at all. The more people within my family pointed it out, the more I started to realize much of his problems were drinking.

When the recession hit, he was the first to lose his job.....I wonder if his employer just wanted rid of him. He terrorized me for months, sucking up all of my resources, becoming so verbally abusive that I would cry myself to sleep....in the other room. For years he would come home from drinking (always saying he was just 'out with buddies') and cook and make such a mess, you would think we had 50 people over for Thanksgiving. This cooking always took place after 1 am, and I always either woke up to the noise of him doing it (no consideration for others) or woke up in the morning to this mess. If I didn't clean it, I would have such a barrage of hate spewed at me....everything thing I did was wrong.

Meanwhile, somehow, I managed to build a very good career for myself. I have been very successful which seems to infuriate him. He constantly puts me down about my job, my friends, my family.....anything he can think of. The abuse and tirades became nonstop. I knew it was bad when anything he said wasn't bringing me to tears, wasn't making me upset in the way it should...I was used to it. I was also used to no kind words, no sex for appx 7 years, etc....I was in constant turmoil.

Several times I kicked him out. I believe most of his friends are alcoholics....he would find whoever had just been dumped....and shack up with them for a while. There have been periods of years where I haven't known where he has lived. He feels that's okay...he can come here and perform his craziness....show up whenever he likes I guess because he knows where I live, but I am not allowed to know where he lives. I know you are thinking...why did I put up with this....and I do not know.

I was in a car accident, taken to the hospital....he refused to come and get me. My father became very ill and was in the hospital with major surgery, he didn't care.....I could name a thousand things like this....a thousand times he disappointed me or my child or both.....stood us up for Easter as we sat waiting in our Sunday best...the list goes on.

The worst part, the verbal assaults. I have counted at least 100 F words per hour at times, being called a B(*&( thousands of times, all in front of my child. In the last year, it got so bad, he would scream at me and my child that I was a C word or crazy or whatever....this might be because he came home from work and saw empty containers from a takeaway restaurant....that would make me a bad mother....never mind he was off drinking....never mind I work 14 hour days sometimes.

In the last year I have tried to address his drinking problem, he has gone from 6 figures, to working part time in a liquor store....which oddly doesn't seem to bother him. He constantly attends wine tastings, would come home in what most people probably wouldn't notice as a drunk state...but I did. Then it would be 2 or 3 bears, or a 2 shots, or a vodka, or a few glasses of wine. It wouldn't seem like much, but I'm sure he's out drinking all day. I don't think there has been a day i the last 6 or 7 years that I haven't seen him drink....yet if I say he's an alcoholic.....he goes off saying how I need to stop calling him names etc. I can't even reiterate the extent to which I have been verbally and emotionally abused, emotionally abandoned, etc.

Finally 3 months ago I couldn't take the mess, the insults, the ridicule, and I told him to leave. Of course, he didn't have anywhere to go. Luckily, in the last 11 years we weren't married, and everything that he hasn't destroyed is still mine...the house is mine, everything is mine. I am ashamed to admit it, but I miss him terribly.....or maybe I'm just dealing with jealousy because I constantly obsess about if he is with another girl. I don't know that he is, but that's what goes on in my head. I don't know what is wrong with me. At first he begged me not to make him leave, but it was a day I had just had enough.

Since that time, his hate campaign toward me has intensified to a new high. Per what he's telling me, he's staying with friends...but is SO ABUSIVE AND HATEFUL, calling my child and saying horrible things about me....sometimes calling me, nice for one second and then it's like he thinks about things momentarily and then freaks out! I finally called his elderly mother and told her that I wasn't 'taking care' of him anymore and let her know that I didn't know where he was, etc......, she's very sweet, has another grown son in rehab for over a year with some kind of dependency, so I really didn't want to burden her. I have mentioned his drinking to his folks before....but it seems as though he always talks his way out of it. They live in another state and I don't think realize the extent of it..he's able to keep it together around them.

Now I'm really taking the heat for 'making his mother worry' and he's been so abusive over the phone, etc....I'm just avoiding him.

My question is this....what's wrong with me that I would do this for 13 years? How is he able to sit there and say he's not an alcoholic and make me question what I have seen with my own eyes? How can someone be so non-caring to another human being that has supported them, etc. How does he not see that he has this problem? How is this all my fault? Seriously, he makes me question my own sanity. I have a very nice home, whenever he has stopped by to get any of his things from the garage...he's goes off about what a piece of crap place I have. Well this guy is 45 and never owned a thing...owns a blowup air mattress, that's it.

I had to get him out of here, I couldn't take it. I feel like I will never find anyone....that I'm a complete loser. My mom says I'm 'beat down' and I'm sure she is right. I keep thinking about who he is with, what he is doing, etc...and it is eating me alive.

Help, what's wrong with me? Is he an alcoholic? Has he made me totally insane? Thanks for reading my rant, good to get it out of my brain...although I've really left a million dirty details out.

Appreciate any advise I can get.
Cali

LifeRecovery

barleysurviving-

I am also new to the forum but others with a lot more experience, strength and hope will be along soon.

First I understand all the feelings you are having. My alcoholic in my life that got me into recovery sounds similar in many ways. A little over a year ago he had an affair and it finally all clicked for me that I did not want to live that way any longer.

I found out on Sunday, I was at the first available Al-Anon meeting on Monday. Al-Anon is for loved ones of people with addictions. I have gotten support for the affair too, but in all honestly Al-Anon and many of the principles and sayings have helped on both ends of my healing.

The one that was most important to me in the begining was this.

You did not cause it, you cannot control it and you cannot cure it. Often that applies to more than just the use of a substance. This helped me to see what was "mine" and more importantly what was not "mine."

wellnowwhat

I feel for you. Please take some time to read the stickies, especially the one about abuse. It will hit close to home and you will understand, a little, how he purposely set out to undermine your confidence and create in you a need for him.

Also, please take yourself to Alanon. There are people there that understand this and can help you. You will feel less alone and less "crazy".

Keep reading here. There is lots of wisdom on this threads.

And take care of you and your child. Be safe.

Don't dwell on why you lived this for 13 years, embrace that you don't want to live this way anymore and take one step at a time to move towards a healthier, and happier you.

PurpleWilder

I'm really sorry you are going through this.

Since it appears that your child doesn't belong to him, you therefore have no reason to talk to him. At all, for any reason. Change your phone number. Block his calls. Change your email, delete him from FB. Change the locks and get a security system. Do not stay in contact with this man, even if you want to. Your heart may want to stay in contact but your head knows that is a bad idea. Listen to your head here.

There is a book we talk about a lot here on SR called, "Why Does He Do That? Inside the Minds of Angry and Controlling Men" by a DV counselor called Lundy Bancroft (who is a man BTW). The reason you want to keep in contact even though he is abusive as hell is something Bancroft talks about in his book. The concept is called traumatic bonding.

From a former post of mine:

When a person, male or female, has suffered harsh or painful treatment over an extended period of time, he or she naturally feels a flood of love and gratitude toward anyone who brings relief...but in the situations of abuse, the rescuer and the tormentor are the same person" (italics are his).

"You can end up feeling that the nightmare of his abusiveness is an experience that the two of you have shared and are escaping from together [when he is behaving - my comment]; a dangerous illusion that trauma can cause....this may be true, but the reason he seems to understand you well is that he has studied ways to manipulate your emotions and control your reactions. At times he may seem to grasp how badly he has hurt you, which can make you feel close to him, but it's another illusion; if he could really empathic about the pain he has caused, he would stop abusing you for good."

GET. THIS. BOOK. It will really open your eyes. You will see him in so many places in this book and his tactics will become so obvious that it will be laughable.

The fact that you are here at SR shows you know that his claims regarding you aren't valid. But it takes longer to live what you believe - I know. But keep coming back. And get that book!!!

roxiestone

Welcome! I am sorry you are going through this. Keep coming back and posting. There is a lot of experience, strength and hope here on these boards.

JACKRUSSELLGIRL

Remember you deserve so much more than to be with a man that lies, insults you and the BIG dealbreaker for me, cheated on you. Sweetie, you deserve a loving, caring emotionally available man and you will have him someday. Unfotunately, an active A can not be any of these things becuase their one true love is alcohol.


Please read the stickies at the top and coming back and posting. It really helps.

OnMyWay11

Barelysurviving

I am not an expert on this by any means, and am very new myself, however, your ex sounds exactly like my XABF. I was with him for almost three years and right now I am trying to rebuild myself from the constant abuse and belittlement. I cannot figure out why I miss him at all.

The only times I have enjoyed peace have been when I refused to have any contact at all with him. That was for about a month. In the last week, I allowed contact and it has set me back. Have NO contact. Really NOTHING. Block his email, remove him from your FB account (if you have one) change your phone number. If he shows up at the door, do not answer. Remind yourself daily that you are worthy of love and respect and happiness. Remember that he only puts you down to feel better about himself. You are stronger than that

Ogilve

Hi Cali.

I hope it helps to know that you aren't alone. I think all of us who have been/are in relationships with As have gone through "how did this happen?" and not understanding why we made some of the choices we did.

Forgiveness plays a big role in *my* path to healing, and much of that is forgiving myself.

It's a daily process of letting go of what I can't control (my partner's drinking) and moving ahead with what I can (very little).

Keep posting, you'll find great support and wisdom here.

dollydo

Welcome,

You are the victim of abuse. Abuse is a cycle, it controls, demeans, punishes another by using humilation or fear. At the heart is for him to be in contol. He feels inadequate and harbours distorted feelings about women. An emotionally abused woman looks to her abuser as her measure of self worth. Of coarse in that type of relationship, neither person is healthy, both are sick.

You can save yourself by going no contact, no phone calls, no texts, no emails, nothing.
This man is toxic to both you and your child, no child deserves to live in the home of an alcoholic/abuser. It damages the child, and this toxic enviorment will affect the child long into adulthood.

I believe that you need to turn this boat around, this can be done by showing your child that you will not accept a man treating either of you that way. By correcting your codependent behavior, you will be setting a good example for your child.

I would suggest that you read "Codependent No More" and start attending Alanon meetings.

You deserve so much more, don't let this loser drag you down any further, let him go.

Keep reading around this forum, and, keep posting, we are here for you.

barelysurviving

Thanks for the warm welcome everyone, it's a crazy ride. Somedays I'm okay, somedays not. My child is not his, luckily....however he has been the 'dad' so to speak for some time. I guess I'm going to have to do the no contact thing...today, perfect example. He promised he would take the tween to the movies today.....called him all day, kept blowing off......so I sent a text saying, 'real nice, promising a kid something and then ignoring." Well, I shouldn't have engaged in that, have received a barrage of texts all containing the f-word.....and that I'm 'psycho' because I accused him of ignoring his promise....just a day in the life.

I have read a lot about the cycle of abuse, and the nice 'honeymoon' period and apologies. I have NEVER heard I'm sorry out of his mouth in 13 years.....never any remorse...for anything. I feel kind of cheated that all I get is the abuse, I don't even get the relief of some I'm sorries for 24 hours. How do the teens say it? FML? lol

zrx1200R

If it helps your decision matrix some:

People like your man rarely change. Some do. The examples are few and far between. They continue to act like they do because they simply find another person to attach to. They are survivors. Parasites in a sense.

It is easy to type out, yet very hard to do. Leave and never look back.

It is just as easy to type out and easy in the short run: Stay involved with this person because you care.

Try to think about where you could be in 2, 5 then 10 years from now. Keeping this person in your life will result in your life most likely looking very much like it does today. he might change. It could happen.

Or think about the endless possibilities without all this baggage. There is a great big world out there. There are other men. Nice, kind, loving, and honest. If you look in the right places, you can find them. Maybe even someone who was similarly once with one of these loonies. You would have much in common and know exactly what you don't want in a relationship.

Good luck.

chicory

You deserve so much more.

You have been beaten down, and it is hard to come up to the light after so long.

This is very unhealthy for your child to witness, and for you to endure.

Please, give yourself the advice you would give your child, and take that advice. You do not deserve this, to be a whipping boy.

This is a good place for help. You have gotten some very good advice. The reading, maybe some counselling, will help you to break free.

hugs
chicory