BobbyJ

Well, some of you know my story...It's been a ride..

After last weeks call from xah & me calling his brother

I have had a very un-easy (gut feeling) that something is not good.

A couple days later, his neice texts me.

This is what she wrote: He is not eating much, but he is still holding his job and admitted he is not even trying to sober anymore. Somedays it seems he cant even walk, he walks very slow.He is a mess!! So please pray for him.

I sat there in my chair, my mind went numb. I left work and came home and cried myself to sleep.

I told her, I would give anything to click my heels 3 times and get him sober.
But I cant. I tried for 13 years and it didnt work. I did the yelling, the pleading, the bargain deals, the sad eyes, the trusting he would quit

Thank Goodness she understands that it is up to HIM to get sober, no one else can do it for him

I am struggling with guilt for the past couple of days.

Guilt, Your wondering why?....The same old damn mind games that play with my head over and over late in the night, should I, would I, could of?

What if I would have supported him more. Maybe if I went to more classes with him? What if, What if...OMG......WHAT IF...

And the biggest guilt of all: I never went to Alanon while he was in rehab, so when he came home. I didnt give him the support he probably needed from me. I was a angry upset sad confussed distressed disfunctional fine, wife (that was all one word by the way) -

Would he be sober if I would have gone to Alanon, while he was in rehab?
Would he be sober if I would have been nice to him?
Would he be sober if I would of understood what an alcoholic is?
Would he, Would he
Would I, Would I
UGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGG

Now, I have this text from his neice on my shoulders...

If he is next in line to drink himself to death...How am I going to handle this?

Im trying hard not to think into the future, Im trying to think about what is around the corner for me. I am having a very hard time of what if's....

Let Go & Let God..Is a powerful statement, that I repeat to myself a hundred times a day. It is one that I try so hard to apply in my life & in my mind...

I struggle with letting go and watching him kill himself to a damn bottle...

laurie6781

And if you don't "Let Go" you will still be "watching him kill himself to a damn bottle."

This is guilt you are placing on yourself with all the damn "what if's."

There are no "what if's" that you could or could not have done. They are ALL HIS.

Your being 'supportive' or 'not being supportive' upon his return from Re-hab had NOTHING to do with his lack of continuing in recovery.

He CHOSE not to use the tools he had been given. His CHOICE, his CONSEQUENCES.

Now you can sit there and continue to 'guilt' yourself and be miserable, or ............................ ACCEPT that you did all you could (and you did) and MOVE ON with your own life, before you destroy yourself.

Above not said in meanness, J M H O based on my own 30+ years of continuous recovery from alcohlism and 27+ continuous from being co dependent.

Love and hugs,

Helenlee

Would he be sober if I would have gone to Alanon, while he was in rehab?
Would he be sober if I would have been nice to him?
Would he be sober if I would of understood what an alcoholic is?
Would he, Would he
Would I, Would I
UGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGG


Short answer: NO.
Honey if there was ANYTHING you could have done to cause him to get sober he would have got rid of you in a flash & found a new wife who would sit at home & wring her hands & wonder "would he be sober if ...". We do this crazy dance together - both partners have their role. If he'd wanted to stop the dance he could have run out of the house at any moment & gone & got the help he needed to get sober. Just like you can decide any time to quit being a codie & focus on you & your life. Doesn't mean you wont be sad about what's happening to him now. It's the outcome of years & years of choices HE made. What's going to be the outcome of the choices YOU make?

stacylove

What if you just let him go?

dollydo

I wish that I had some words of wisdom, however, I do not.

You know the 3 "C's" they hold true this very moment.

There was, and there is nothing you can do, it is all up to him.

You did not and do not have the power to make him stop drinking. He is in the hands of the HP, right where he has always been, let go and move forward with your life.

Sending hugs and support your way,

m1k3

BobbyJ, ((((hugs))))

I know there is nothing I can say to make you feel better right now. Dolly is right about the 3 c's. As everyone else has said they were HIS choices, including his choice not to use the tools he got in rehab.

Please go to some al-anon meetings. They are not there to teach you how to support him, they are there to help you get better, to deal with the pain and the guilt and the anger which is sure to come.

I have learned there that I can't control my A. That I can't control life or hundreds of other things. but I did learn the tools and skills and get the support on how to deal with them.

I am still early on this recovery path and I already feel much better than I have in many, many years.

Let go and let god doesn't just mean my A. It means letting go of my disease of trying to control the world and to solve everyone else's problems but my own.

I'm sending you strength and prayers to get through this. There is a solution and all you need to do is reach out and grab it.

Your friend,

SoloMio

I have been trying to deal with my mind, too. My AH is 58, has been active for probably 30 of those years and has been a heavy smoker for the same. So, I read the life expectancy for people who make these kinds of choices and the future that once seemed to stretch out so far in front of us is now looking like he's in the final sprint.

He coughs, he labors breathing, he memory is getting bad, he has fatty liver (amazing its not cirrhosis yet).

Lately I've been lying awake at night asking myself the same questions you do, but I can turn them off more quickly now, because I know this is just what must be, simply because it IS, as Byron Katie would say.

I can only live my own life, and today I really know the power of that one decision.

The rest I must give up to my HP.

People die all the time. When I cry out in anger that something stupid like drinking will probably result in a deadly disease and take someone I've spent my life with and still love, I think about all the people I know who died despite doing everything right. People who ate everything right, cooked from scratch, didn't eat red meat, took fish oil--some of them have gotten cancer and died young.

We project our own values and beliefs on what should and shouldn't be. I believe that God made flowers to grow and bloom. Likewise we ALL should grow and bloom. But, if you notice, when you throw down seed, some of it thrives and some if it never does. That's just the nature of things.

So for whatever "reason" we think things aren't happening as they "should," they happen anyway, and there's nothing we can do about the uncle who died running a marathon, or the little kid who got leukemia, or our dear loved ones who seemingly choose to drink themselves to death, leaving us as collateral damage with our guilt and our questions and our deep, deep sadness.

I really wish you peace. I wish myself peace! What I just wrote is what I tell myself in the middle of the night as I'm fingering my rosary beads, asking the mother of God to pray for ALL of us sinners, now and at the hour of our death.

wellnowwhat

I hear your anguish. I am the queen of "could have, should have".

Married 30 years, still together, and he's been active in alcoholism for 23 of them, that I know of, and smoked everyday that I've known him (40 yrs).

I did join Alanon and it has made no difference on whether he drinks or not. It has changed how I react, and yes, we now get along better since I am not screaming, nagging, threatening, etc. but it does not change his drinking.

Alanon is for me. Its literature says that family life is bound to improve, and it has, but it makes no suggestion that the alcoholic may quit or stay quit now that you've found and worked your program.

I no longer expect that he will quit drinking or smoking. I do expect it will kill him. I wonder if I will still be around when it happens.

Be gentle with yourself. You've done your best with what you knew at the time. If we were powerful enough to change the outcome, there would be no need for this Site or Alanon or AA or .......

This is his doing.

Eddiebuckle

Bobby,

That's really sad news about your ex, and I can empathize - my mother never got sober despite the interventions, alanon, doctors advice, health scares, ad nauseum. The hardest part of my sobriety (I have been sober since Dec 2009) has been to understand and accept my limitations, especially how my brain percieves and interprets the goings on in the world around me. I never had control over my own drinking , much less my mothers.

The guilt you feel is a red herring that keeps you from acceptance and peace with what is. I assume you understand that your ex is powerless over alcohol - the next time you feel a shadow of guilt coming on, think about that... if he is powerless over his addiction, how on Gods green earth could you have any control or culpability for his continuing to drink?

Wishing you peace & love,
Edd

LexieCat

Bobby,

I agree with what everyone is telling you here. You didn't have the power then to help him, any more than you have the power now to do so.

Look, some people will continue on that downward spiral forever. No matter what anyone says or does. Love just doesn't do it. Going to meetings with them doesn't do it. Giving emotional support doesn't do it. It's something that has to come from within. We can't give it to them.

It's a tragically sad situation, but we aren't responsible for it any more than we are earthquakes and tsunamis in distant lands. Those are tragedies, too, but some tragedies are unpreventable and unstoppable.

Hugs, continue to pray for him. Some people finally do get it when they are in VERY bad shape and do recover. You can always hope, but please don't blame yourself.

smacked

OK..stop thinking you're more powerful than you are. When it comes tothis stuff, none of us are.

if this, if that...no. IF he wants to be sober he will be. If he doesnt , he won't. It's not rocket science.

stop engaging, go do something kind for yourself.

lillamy

I know I've said this here before, but... my AXH texted me while he was in rehab and told me what the statistics were for recovery for alcoholics in the program who had the support of their family (80% I think) vs those who didn't (33%). I told him that I hoped AXH would have the support of his parents, then, because I was no longer his family and I had supported him for 20 years with no sign of him wanting to get sober. The best thing I ever did for him was leave, because that motivated him to get into rehab.

I found out later that the success rate was more like 50% regardless of family support. More lies.

I know we want to help. But you can't help someone who doesn't want to help himself. It's really that simple, and that hard.

He is going to do what he is going to do. You take care of yourself. (((hugs)))

Linkmeister

Truer words were never spoken.

BobbyJ:

It's not just the A with the disease, it's us as well. Both the A's and us can choose recovery or not. I have control over my recovery, my decisions, so has the A.

It's a very tough pill to swallow and the more we wrestle with it, the more we go in circles. I struggle with this daily and the more I let go of the A in my life, along with others whose problems I can't solve, the more I realize that It's all about me and my recovery.

When I feel that my A's issues are still dominating or triggering or trying to control me, I say it out loud (usually to the dog...LOL) "Let it go, Linkmeister...". It may sound crazy, but it helps me refocus on me, on what I am doing and giving the A over to his HP.

Hugs coming your way...........

Mavis1

Dear Bobby, I can feel your pain in your words, completely. I just want you to know that I did exactly what you did, felt guilty and definitely was fearful for many years of his killing himself with booze. what a way to live.. it's total powerlessness and humility we go thru. just think, if we put all that wonderful energy into ourselves, just think if we put ourselves first and take care of us and love ourselves..

You can read my recent posts and know no matter what - we are okay, somehow you get by and somehow life goes on and we get better....my thoughts are so with you right now...m