Lotus2009

Hi everyone,

for those of you who didn't read my last post - my (R)AH had a relapse after being sober for almost 1 year. It looks right now like the 2 nights of drinking were enough for him and that he's recommitting to an alcohol-free life. I met with him today and he told me that the lapse served as a reminder of why he quit in the first place, that it made him feel horrible and that drinking just wasn't fun.

I left after his 2nd drunken night and though he hasn't touched any alcohol since Wednesday night, I am still staying at a friend's house. He wants me back at the apt and is telling me that I have nothing to worry about and that he is not drinking anymore and is committed to not drinking (which I believe given his actions this past 3 days). However, I feel like there was a reason why this relapse happened - after talking to him it seems like there was quite a bit of frustration that had built up inside of him, that he felt like he was in a rut and I guess, he chose to cope with it by drinking - and thus simply abstaining from alcohol isn't going to work in the long run. He went to treatment and AA (without sponsor) for 4 months when he first got sober and then stopped going and now doesn't have any type of support system (i.e. sponsor, other recovering A's, counselor...). So, I feel like in order to feel comfortable living with him and to feel like I don't have to constantly worry that the next relapse is just around the corner, I would want him to not only abstain from alcohol but to work on himself using some type of support program (i.e. relapse prevention program at an outpatient clinic that he was supposed to go to after his initial treatment was over, or AA, or whatever other program he can find). His plan, however, is to just not drink (abstain from alcohol).

Now to my question: Am I being controlling and manipulative, if I won't move back in unless he gets outside support??? Or is that a boundary that I'm establishing (?), i.e. alcohol in the house/ you drinking is not acceptable, if you do I will leave - In order for me to feel safe and comfortable living with you again, I need to see that you commit to working on yourself by finding some type of program that will support you to reduce the chances of another relapse.

What's your take on this?

Tuffgirl

Hi Lotus. As many will tell you here - boundaries are for you, not for anyone else. So if your boundary is not living with an active alcoholic, that's perfectly acceptable. However, determining what kind of support you think he needs to remain sober is a little judgmental, in my humble opinion. I understand your logic on it, just not the approach. Imagine if someone told you they wouldn't hang around you unless you quit (fill in the blank) AND quit on their definition of the right terms, not yours?

And remember, progress, not perfection...for us and for the A's in our life. Hopefully this was what he said it was...a reminder to himself of what he doesn't want to go back to. More to be revealed....

laurie6781

If your boundary is:

"I cannot share my life with anyone who does not show continuously by their actions NOT their words that they have EMBRACED recovery."

That is a 'good boundary'.

If instead you are 'telling' him how to find recovery then THAT is MANIPULATION.

YES.

J M H O

Love and hugs,

LexieCat

Hi, Lotus,

I agree with the others here. Dictating the terms of his recovery isn't kosher.

Now, the fact that he hasn't changed anything in terms of his recovery might affect your own judgment as to how likely it is he will succeed, in which case you certainly don't have to go running back to him. But to spell it out to him in those terms is a demand you are putting on him to do things in a certain way. He's got to figure out for himself that he needs a sponsor, needs support of others in recovery, has to do something different if he is to succeed.

If you aren't comfortable with his approach, there is nothing wrong with saying you simply aren't comfortable moving back. Actions speak louder than words. You have left, let things sit for awhile. More will be revealed.

Lotus2009

Thanks for your explanations! Makes sense! I had a feeling that I would be stepping on his side of the road - glad you made me see why

It would probably also drive ME insane if I made such a demand, as I would have to constantly check up on him to make sure that he's going to whatever recovery program he chose to go to.



Have a wonderful Sunday everyone