When is enough, enough?

Old 07-30-2011, 06:49 PM
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When is enough, enough?

Hi, I am new to this board. It is very hard for me to talk about my situation, but i thought i would give it a try... I have been married for 18 years. My husband is addicted to Marijuana and pain killers. He is a physician and very bright which makes it worse. He also steals, lies and has cheated on me on more then one occasion. He has stolen Vicodin form my friends medicine cabnet, written prescription for Narco and Vicodin in his parents names and I'm sure many other things i am unaware of. His last affair was 2 years ago and went on for more then then 2 years. I had know idea, as cliché as it may sound. He had lied to me all along about the drugs, but I never thought he would be unfaithful. Anyway, that was two years ago. We immediately tried marriage counseling with a therapist the was an addiction specialist. (during our 18 year marriage we have tried many therapists and I tried many times to get him into therapy) That lasted the usual 6 to 8 months until I realized he was still using drugs and texting the other women he works with her, so he has unlimited contact. And all along telling me how sorry he is and how much he loves me. That is the abbreviated version, but I think you get the gist. I finally had an epiphany about a month ago ( I know, i know, I must be dense) It never dawned on me that I was an enabler and codependent, it is such a simple concept, but I guess I just could not comprehend it or would not comprehend it. I thought because I was always confronting him that I was being proactive, but I get it now. I am now seeing a therapist who is excellent and I am getting ready to leave. We have two children 14 and 11, so it has been an agonizing decision. I made some rules for myself. I will give him three months to get sober. He wont go to rehab, he is trying to do it on his own. I know that story too. He see's himself as a high functioning addict, I'm sure he is. That combined with his own sense of entitlement gives him permission to do it his way. A little background on me, I am a recovering bulimic, so I know first hand how hard it is. I had a Rhinoplasty and 2 revisions to correct the original botch job and liposuction twice. I get Botox and lip fillers about once a year. I am in my late 40's. The reason I am telling this is because he uses that to his advantage. When we talk about his issues he likes to bring up the things that I have done. He says I m just as responsible for the breakdown of our marriage and I have problems too. I suppose there's some truth in that, but I have always gotten help and continue to do so, I have not had any episodes in over 5 years and very few the 5 years prior to that. I have also tried and tried to get him to get him into counseling, and he did he just lied through every session. As a matter of fact the only time he brings up my eating disorder is in response to his drug addiction. Is that all part of being codependent and an enabler? Why does that have anything to do with what he does? I have also thought about an intervention, but I know this all has to come from within and he has not hit anywhere near bottom yet. I realize there are no right answers and everyone has a different end point, but I am emotionally empty and beaten down by all the horrible things that I have had to field over the years. The other disturbing thing is that I am really the only one that knows everything.
Most everyone thinks he's an easy going great guy. He goes out of his way to make people believe this while in reality he is destroying his family. What are the chances that someone with this type of behavior will ever recover, even after i leave? I look forward to all your thoughts.
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Old 07-30-2011, 07:07 PM
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Welcome to SR! Glad you found us, but sorry for what brings you here. I hope you'll stick around and read and post often. Please read the stickie posts at the top of this forum. There is a lot of helpful information there.

You ask what are the chances he will recover. There is always a chance, but first, the addict must be so miserable that another second of continuing as he has been is worse that doing whatever it takes to seek recovery. The fact that he is high-functioning now won't always be the case. Addiction is progressive. It never gets better unless the addict seeks help.

Everyone has their breaking point. Sounds like you have about reached yours. The fact that you even sought out a forum like this proves that. He throws everything in your past in your face because it makes him feel justified in continuing his behavior. Of course, it isn't justified, but addicts aren't known for their rational thinking.

Again, welcome to SR. There are a lot of very caring people here who have been exactly where you are. We're here to support you.
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Old 07-30-2011, 07:42 PM
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Hi Lonely. My soon to be ex alcoholic husband was also high functioning and is very intelligent as well. I now believe there is no such thing as a functioning alcoholic- I think they function as well as any other alcoholic - until they dont. It is all part of the progression of the disease and it always gets worse. I was told by the therapist in the treatment facility that addicts with a sense of entitlement who are very intelligent and have had little to no consequences can be difficult to treat.

You may be surprised at what other people know or suspect. Keep reading keep learning and know you deserve a husband who tells the truth, doesnt text other women and doesnt throw your past mistakes in your face. You deserve to be happy. I wish you all the best and am glad you are here because you will learn alot
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Old 07-30-2011, 08:53 PM
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Hi lonely 26, just wanted to say welcome to you and assure you that you are not alone. When you read the posts, you will see a pattern that you can identify with, and it is very comforting to know that you are not crazy in your experiences. As an example, the last text I sent to my XABF said, "I can no longer deal with your alcoholism and your substance abuse." I went on to enumerate the serious things that were wrong in our relationship. His response?? "Please tell me what I said that was rude to you." Hello...is that all you will comment on? Let's forget the elephant in the living room here.. Just keep up one day at a time. We are all here for you
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Old 07-31-2011, 08:06 AM
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lonely26

Your story is so similar to my story. I have no words of advice but just want you to know that you are not alone.

I am in recovery from binge eating/non-purging bulimia and have been working on my own recovery for 11 years now. I met my husband during my recovery process, and we fell in love and got married. After we got married though he continued to function well outside of the home drinking took a turn for the worst.

In my very messed up way I took on his drinking and the resulting problems in the relationship as mine. I had a good support system in place for my recovery, group therapy, individual therapy, body work etc. I figured if I took on "his" problems in my recovery I could get them fixed....like I was getting myself fixed. I think that I continued with the eating disorder behaviors a good two years past when I was ready to let them go because I was working on someone else's stuff rather then my own.

The problem is I don't have control over if he gets "fixed" or not. That is his to decide and want.

A little over a year ago he had an affair, which was actually what helped my eyes to get opened. I found out one day and was in Al-Anon (finally) the next day. I had never gone before because I felt like I had so much support that it was an "extra" piece that I did not need to try and juggle. Al-Anon for me was different though. I was immediately accepted once I walked in the door because of the commonality of why we were all there.

Having the bandaid of denial ripped off has been very hard for me, but I am grateful to finally be living life on life's terms.

I am a addict in recovery, which is something to be proud of. I am coming to learn that when it is thrown in my face it is usually someone afraid of their own demons that is doing the throwing. I get to send warm thoughts there way for their own healing, and work on what I can control...my own recovery and wellbeing.
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Old 07-31-2011, 08:22 AM
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My experience is that you cannot change anyone else but you can change yourself. There are several ways to do this. The ones that have worked for me are 12 step programs.

I'm so glad you are here. Welcome to Sober Recovery.
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Old 07-31-2011, 09:23 AM
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My 2nd ex is also a physician. I understand about the ego and the sense of entitlement, depending on his circumstances. If he is a partner in a group private practice, the others do not want him to taint their reputation. Sooner or later someone is going to get tired of covering his mistakes. If he is in academic medicine, he has to answer to his department chair and his actions are routinely scrutinized, usually it's a one year contract, and if he's not producing, publishing research or actively teaching, he's not going to get renewed. Medicine is a business too.

If he is stealing meds and writing false prescriptions, someone will get caught, his addiction will come to the surface (I hope toGod he is not a surgeon). He will be referred to a physicians group that specializes in counseling the docs. and made to
report to sessions. He has to do this in order to keep his license and will be under scrutiny for a long time....if he is in private practice, it will affect his income and malpractice insurance big time.

I don't see how your past problems have anything to do with his active addiction? He seems to be shifting the blame conveniently to take the spotlight off of him.

I hope you have legal advice, good luck, protect yourself and the kids.
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Old 07-31-2011, 04:05 PM
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Thank you all for your replies. I have been reading, and will continue to read, many posts. I have more insight into myself every day and this site and your support is invaluable. Thank you
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