totoro

Hi there, this is my first time posting but I've been reading for about 6 months and I have some questions re: support, friendship and communication. I have a friend/coworker who is about 10 months into recovery. He shared a lot with me over the past months and I even attended Al Anon to better understand what he was going through. I don't think I'll every fully understand what he went through as he was battling more than one addiction. Since then I've changed jobs, moved away and rarely hear from him apart from occasional emails usually started by me. He seems genuinely happy to hear from me, I just don't think email is his thing. I'd like to ask how things are going but I feel awkward. It's very different face to face then thru email.

I guess the real question is - Is it rude to check in on recovery? Is there a polite way to ask if you're still with the program? It's really none of my business, I suppose but if we were still working together I know I'd ask and he'd respond. Or should I curb my inner "helper" and just move on.

wellnowwhat

can you skype? or msn video chat? and you don't have to be checking in on his recovery. just catching up with an old friend.

stacylove

Hiya Totoro, Welcome to SR! I find that each person is different, in fact, each situation is different too. I really don't mind being asked if I'm clean, but I dread being asked if I'm not, especially but what we call a so called "normie" (I hate that term, btw, who is really normal anyway?). Some of us feel like we are being judged. However, some ppl do not mind being asked at all. You get varying responses. Maybe you can approach like you said on your message....."I know it's really none of my business, but I do care about you and I am wondering how you are doing in your recovery, don't worry I will not judge you either way......Something like that might be ok, it really just depends on the person. Good luck to you and I hope he is doing well.
<3 Stacy

totoro

Thanks! I don't think skype is the way to go here. We're friends but not "old friends". I definitely fit into the "normie" category - I rarely drink and never do drugs. He was definitely up front about recovery and his past and he knows I'd never judge him. He's one of those functioning alcoholics that's amazing at his job while the rest of his world was falling apart. I really only saw him at his best. When I read the forums about the pain and struggle people go through I'm amazed how well he hid it at work. But then he also said he'd been hiding it for a very long time. Maybe I'll just throw in a "how's recovery going?" in my next email.

bonami

Hi totoro, and welcome! I think sending a note of support to your friend is fine, but please don't take it personally if you do not get a response. I have a very good friend and co-worker who is currently going through early recovery. We have known each other and worked together for 15 years, so I do consider him an "old friend." About 2 months ago he went on a bender, stopped showing up for work, and subsequently began outpatient rehab. He has not contacted me since then, and it's been hard for me because I miss him; we've shared a lot over the years and I want him to know that I support him and do not judge him. But I have learned that early recovery is very difficult and his lack of contact is not about me. He has to do the work he needs to do to get better, and I need to be patient and not to expect anything from him for a while. So I am trying.

I hope your friend is doing well in his recovery and my guess is that he will appreciate hearing from you, even though he may not reply (tho I do hope that he does!!).

As for Al-Anon, did you find it helpful to attend a meeting? I always assumed that it was more for people who are actually living with an active A. I have learned a lot from reading here on SR ! But I have wondered if perhaps going to an Al-Anon or open AA meeting would be helpful, since my friend's crisis and his absence from my life has affected me more than I expected.

totoro

"since my friend's crisis and his absence from my life has affected me more than I expected"

This was exactly why I went. And to add a little drama to the situation another coworker senior to us was also an alcoholic and an addict although not seeking treatment. The Al-anon meeting I went to was for friends, family, and coworkers. I was dealing with absenteeism, incoherence, lying, falling asleep - all of which was overlooked by upper management. I had to cover up for this other coworker.

My personal dilema was caring a great deal for my friend while resenting and being angry at the other coworker. I was uncomfortable with my own double standard. I also learned a great deal about alcohol and the workplace. Management would just not go there. Even with missed deadlines and bizarre behavior in meetings. I also needed to do some self searching as to how and why I ended up with these two.

I don't have direct connections with alcoholics in my family but they're just one degree of separation away in several directions.

totoro

Were the meetings helpful? Very much so especially since I'm a problem solver and a "helper". I learned about compassionate disconnecting. I was very concerned about my leaving the company and my friend's recovery. I would worry about a relapse. The other coworker was transferred to a different department partly due to my report/evaluation of his behavior. I felt some guilt about this.

The downside to the meeting was learning how much damage is done, how much pain is endured. Was this my friend acting this way? Yup. No doubt it was. But he learned there was a better person inside.

I liked the al-anon literature very much.

bonami

I am also struggling with this a bit, in addition to the lack of contact from my RA friend. I don't resent my coworkers or my boss, but I am learning that they felt so let down and disappointed by my friend's behavior, that they are just coping without him and making lists of all his infractions prior to the incident when he went AWOL (there are more than I realized). They don't seem in any rush to help him return to work, even in the limited role he was promised. I feel like I may be his only ally left there, and that's also somewhat frustrating because I don't know if he realizes this.

And thanks for the insight on Al-Anon from your perspective. I don't have any alcoholism in my immediate family either, so I have not had any experience with A's or recovery. And I am also a problem-solver. It sounds like it would be helpful for me to seek out a meeting, as well.

totoro

I wanted to post a followup as it's so positive. Saw my friend this weekend and asked how things were going - and he's doing great and on target for meeting his one year anniversary. I'm very relieved and proud of him.

I opted not to ask in an email as he rarely replies and I'd be thinking that was the cause of his not writing back. Instead of just poor communication skills. Anyway - just wanted to share a bit of good news.

bonami

I am glad you saw your friend and that he's doing well with his recovery. I did finally speak to my RAF/coworker a couple of weeks ago, he also seems to be doing well, and like you, I was relieved. Altho he's soon going to be my former coworker because my company no longer wants him to return to work and they are trying to get him to resign.

Thanks for the positive update, good news is always welcome!