Aysha

I was thinking the other night back on my last run. The one in Florida. Thats where I was notorious. Where I didnt care what anyone thought about me. Where I prided myself on being the biggest drug addict possible. I was a rock star and proud of it.
But this last time down there. Something weird happened. It has never happened ever in my days of using.
I was very ashamed to have anyone especially other addicts see me use. I dont know if it was my own guilt. Because I really kicked a$$ there for the first almost 2 mos. I had my own place within 3 weeks. And thats not bad for my first time on my own. Had a job in 2 weeks. Money saved, I was doing very well.
But when I was doing exactly the same crap I did when I was there before, Same routines, same ways to get money, same everything, I was completely ashamed to show my face at all. Embarrassed. I felt like I didnt belong at all.
I spent so many years trying to fit in in that environment. Thats what kept me using alot of times. Trying to belong somewhere. And that just seemed the place that was easiest.
But that last time. I cant even explain it.
I dont know. I have never felt like that before. I was also embarrassed for others I saw. I felt bad for them. I saw myself in so mnay of them. You know the new breed has come around and taken our old spots in the neighborhood. Doing just like we did Acting a fool and couldnt care about anything. Thinking they are unstoppable. Thinking its fun and exciting. Like its glamorous or something.
If they only knew. If I only knew then what I know now.
Anyway, Just thought I would share that. I found it kinda odd and enlightening. I liked it though. It was a break through IMO.
Ashamed to be seen getting high by other addicts..LOL. who woulda thought.

sugarbear1

Call it your first spiritual awakening

MemphisBlues

Maybe because it wasn't you? I

I mean, maybe you were embarrassed because it wasn't the you you are supposed to be when you were back out of the streets in Florida.

Maybe you're growing up?

Maybe it was your soul seeing for the first time where you are supposed to be in the universe, and that's not sucking on a crack pipe?

michelle01

Did you have a recovery network while in Florida, or get preoccupied with other things? Anyhow, I knew someone who totally glamorized the scene, did it to try and fit in, I could never understand it, I guess because I was outside of it, but she seemed hooked on that way of life, never shook free of it - it was as if she was living her life like she thought she was in some kind of movie, there was always some drama. When I stayed with her I thought I would flip out after two or three days of it. The reality looked very sordid and ugly for me. Maybe you're starting to outgrow it now and move on to some other aims in life, which would be a good thing.

Aysha

I have always said here that I am more addicted to the life stayle than the drug. It will be just that that kills me before the drug ever does. Yes, I did glamorize it. The more drugs I had, The higher I was the better I was than you. I was loud and obnoxious, you couldnt tell me nothing, I had a mouth and a half on me, I was a money maker and I didnt care what you or anyone thought about me cause I got me regardless. I was a bad ass in my own mind and demanded respect out of being stupid and reckless. I see it now out of alot of people who took our places down there now. I see exactly how we use to be and its sad. And it makes me ashamed. I think, dam, thats what I look like? I am embarrassed for myself and them. I mean really bad.
I am glad I feel that way. And I try to pass my wisdom on to them but just like me. it goes right in one ear and out the other. I got too much to lose these days. I am not about going to jail every other week and trying to prove anythign to anybody. I put my time in. I could care less what anyone out there thinks of me. Its time to care what Trish thinks of me. And I dont like what I see in those people that are reflecting exactly what I use to look like.

NoFireWater

I think if we could all see a video of how we acted when high or drunk it would probably speed up the quitting process pretty damn quick. I'm sure it wouldn't be pretty for most, if not all of us. Glad you got a chance to see that you can move on from that phase, and celebrate that you're no longer into that lifestyle!