I Finally Said No

Old 07-30-2011, 06:00 AM
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I Finally Said No

It has been quite some time since I've posted however I am never very far. I come here every day and read.
To refresh, I have a 25 year old daughter who is an alcoholic. Has been in and out of rehab 5/6 times. The first one being 6 or 7 months as an adolesent. The last one being 3 months about 2 years ago. Needless to say about 7 months ago we let her come back home to continue school, find a job and save some money so she could move out when she has saved enough money to do so. When she had moved out to go to school she moved out with no job in the area she was going to, not a good idea. About 6 weeks ago I asked her to "get out" as she was having problems living by our rules. She left, and moved out with move friends. I talked with her last night and she told me she was living with another friend as she was having problems with the family she was living with in the begining. She said "proved you right and me wrong again" She was at work so we didn't talk long. At 3:45 this mornig she called and had been arrested, would I come and bail her out. I said no. Up to this time she was all sweet and it wasn't her fault. Once I said no it was "you won't come get your caughter from jail, F*** You and hung up. It felt so bad I was just shaking. Called my husband who drives truck over the road and he agreed we had finally done the right thing cuz in the past we would bail her out. Anyway, I really need some reinforcement that I did the right thing to keep me strong. She already called this morning and I missed her call. I know she will call again and cry about she needs to keep her job. Don't even know if I would have enough to bail her out. At first the charges were disorderly conduct but before she hung up said something about battery, and the way she talked it may be against a police officer. She did that once before and bail was 5,000. We bailed her out then but that is a whole nother story.


I have been to al-anon before and stoped going as I am not really the group meeting type. I do my reading everyday and have learned so much from family groups while she was in rehab.

Any reinforcement that we have done the right thing would be appreciated. Thanks!
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Old 07-30-2011, 06:18 AM
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Yes, you did the right thing. You have offered all kinds of help, and she still is continuing to behave the same way. She's a 25-year-old adult. She got herself into this jam after leaving your home rather than respecting your rules. She can get herself out. These are the consequences of HER actions, not yours. You don't "owe" it to her to get her out.

I think I would not accept any phone calls from the jail.

If I were you, I'd give Al-Anon another shot. You said family groups in rehab were helpful. Al-Anon might give you that extra bit of daily strength to keep doing what you know is best.

Hugs,
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Old 07-30-2011, 06:19 AM
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My youngest daughter has been on a downward spiral for a while and was well on her way to becoming an addict. About a month ago she was arrested. She just turned 18 a few months ago. During her arrest I stood there chatting with the police and they thanked me for not screaming at them and calling them names for putting my daughter in cuffs. They told me they knew the charges would not stick, but she needed a wake up call. She sat in a cell for three days. When she called me I told her I would not bail her out and I would not get her an attorney. She started cussing at me so I hung up. She called back and said she almost thought I had hung up on her. I told her I did. I said honey YOU are sitting in a cell and I don't have to take your abuse. She was released, all charges were dropped and she understands that Mom is not going to save her from her own mess. Had the charges not been dropped, she would have had to face the consequences.

Since she has been back home, about 5 weeks, I come home to a clean house and a clean kid. I hope it continues. She was living with her loser bf before her arrest since I would not allow the drugs in my house.

Stay strong. You did the right thing. Maybe this is a wake up call for your daughter too.
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Old 07-30-2011, 07:06 AM
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Thanks for the reinforcement. She just called again and said "I neen 225.00 and I'll pay you back right away. I just need to go to work tonight. I have the money cuz I'm being evicted from where I was living so I don't have to pay rent, I can pay you back right away. I'll do anythig, I'll go back to rehab if that is what you want". I said that is not what I want, you have to want it. So she said she would call her friend.

It is not as hard as I thought it would be when you know you are doing right.

Thanks again
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Old 07-30-2011, 07:16 AM
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As a long-term recovering addict/alcoholic, I give you huge kudos for not bailing her out!

Sending you hugs of support!
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Old 07-30-2011, 07:41 AM
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You are right on track. You are letting her live her life and not controlling her.

Job well done Mom!!!

Hang in there... it can be soooo hard to resist the urged to save and rescue our loved ones.
Please reconsider Al-anon... the face to face support is the only way I have been able to really deal with my tendency to enable my alcoholic loved ones.

Keep coming back!!
Shannon
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Old 07-30-2011, 08:07 AM
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I agree that you did the right thing, although it is hard. "I'll pay you back right away because I am evicted and don't have to pay rent"? which means she wants to invade back to your house?

you won't have any peace if that happens.

sometimes they have to learn the hard way that respecting mom and dad's house is necessary if they want to live there and have all the privileges that come with it.

congrats on not being a doormat.
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Old 07-30-2011, 10:26 AM
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That's why they call it tough love.
These are her issues not your's. You totally did the right thing!!!!!
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Old 07-30-2011, 11:42 AM
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You are doing the right thing.

In fact, I would advise that you don't event talk to her at all if you can. As my old Al-Anon sponsor used to say, "PurpleSquirrel, everytime you start talking, they STOP thinking". She is 25 - time to grow up.
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Old 07-30-2011, 05:32 PM
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Thanks for all your words of support, it really helps. I had a great day. My granddaughter who is 3 came over with my son and daughter in law and we swam in our pool and had dinner together.

While they were here and my granddaughter was watching TV while we did dinner my daughter call and it flashed up on the screen with caller ID, inmate calling. When my daughter in law saw that it was like here we go again. We have had issues between us and my DIL in regards to my AD and us babysitting. I babysit every monday & keep her overnight and take her home on tuesday. Anyway I was not going to say anything either way but now it is out there. So my AD says to me on the phone go enjoy your new family you no longer have a daughter. Although this hurts I know she does not mean it. So, her boss was going to bail her out of jail, so that was short lived. Hope bottom is not to far down.

Thanks for being there!
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Old 07-30-2011, 06:01 PM
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Sadly an alcoholic/addict's bottom is not always jail. My cousin has been in and out of prison for decades and continues to get high & makes alcohol while in prison. To a normal person negative consequences results in a change of behavior. However, in addiction there is no logic.
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Old 07-30-2011, 06:09 PM
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I was impressed with your strength on this.

I hope the best to you and am happy you have a great son, daughter in law and grandchild. You should focus on them!

Good luck
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