vujade

I know I've been kind of quiet lately. I've been doing a lot of soul-searching and reflecting. Life has felt so out-of-control chaotic for so long and this chaos had taken over every aspect of my life. I was crying daily, not sleeping at night, over-eating, not laughing enough. I was over-committing myself, running late everywhere, forgetting appointments and making excuses. It was tearing me apart. Something had to stop.

I've spent the past month thinking about everything I have learned through SR, reading, experiencing and tried to REALLY apply it to my life in practice...not just theory. What I have realized about myself has brought a huge change to my life. I'm sleeping better, smiling more, feeling peace. Its amazing and wonderful. I'm taking life a chunk at a time...focusing on myself and my children. I have a renewed energy that I haven't experienced in a long time.

One of the things that has helped me so much is how I started viewing chaos in my life. I thought I might share in case it helps any of you.

Let's face it - life is chaotic. It just is. What I had to do was determine how to break that chaos down into more manageable pieces. Through that process, I have identified three kinds of chaos in my life:

1. Happy Chaos - Even good things in life are chaotic. This is that category...the chaos to embrace. This category is: children, pets, house, job, hobbies. If you are lucky, this kind of chaos is always present in life. But the great thing about it is...it is the kind of chaos that takes our time and energy and GIVES BACK. I described it as a kind of energy "cash flow". We put energy in, we take it out and it just keeps moving like that. If we do it right...we end up putting some of that "cash" into a few investment accounts and we get a greater return than what we put in.

2. Necessary (but Temporary) Chaos - This is the chaos we created in some way and must own. Granted, some of this is chaos that will be long-term or an ongoing part of our lives (like a mortgage on a house). However, much of the chaos in this category is stuff we can deal with and eliminate (credit cards). I described this as "emotional debt". Hunker down and pay it off - develop a plan and take it a piece at a time. Maybe some of it can be eliminated easily and give you the quick victory you need to tackle the rest. Maybe some of it takes a little longer. And no, the "investment" won't be returned but at least you know that by putting energy into this chaos, it will be greatly reduced and manageable, if not entirely removed.

3. Other People's Chaos - The name says it all. It's certainly not the happy stuff that gives back and it's not chaos that we create for ourselves. Therefore, we do not have to be thankful for it OR own it (although by default, it becomes part of the second category when we mistakenly own it). Using the financial analogy, when we are focused on dealing with this kind of chaos, we are using our emotional cash-flow to pay off someone else's emotional debt. In my opinion, this would be like someone stealing your credit card and using it for whatever they want to buy but you just keep on making the payments. When you are in denial, you convince yourself that somehow this IS your responsibility. If you don't make the payments, it will reflect badly on your credit. If you don't let them charge things, they will have no other way to live. QUACK, QUACK, QUACK. The fact is, we should close that account and report that card as stolen! Stop paying on it. Stop using your precious and finite resources for someone else's gain.

I've decided that the right thing for me is to let that last class of chaos go. I'm not going to invest any more of my resources into that last kind of debt. I'm going to reclaim that emotional cash-flow and start putting it back into the first two categories.

I know this may seem a bit corny, but it is really helping me to deal with my daily life and start sorting through the mess. By categorizing my chaos, I have given myself permission to focus on what gives back to ME and to prioritize within those things. Very freeing. I hope this makes some sense and helps someone else.

Thank you for all you have given me here on SR. I wouldn't be here without all of you openly sharing of yourselves.

Panther

vujade -

I think this is an excellent thread. There's something intrinsically philosophical about chaos that appeals to me. I think because life/the world/the universe is paradoxically chaotic and ordered. You have to wonder how the two can coexist at the same time.

This topic makes me think of a quote that I love, "out of chaos comes beauty". I think if I could sum up everything I have learned in my life in one line - that would be it. My life has been chaotic, and still is, but I have realized that although it is a roller coaster there can be peace and beauty at the same time. I don't know quite how it happens, I only know that it does.

But I think it is curios that you have decided to categorize chaos. I think by definition chaos cannot be put into categories. It seems that you are trying to order your life or provide some reasoning to it, and I see that this helps you, but I wonder if this is not some attempt on your part to have control over something that is not controllable. And I also have to ask about your third category - how is it that you can distinguish chaos that is "yours" from chaos that is "other people's"? Nothing happens in a vacume or isolation. Everything in life has a chain reaction - you may have heard of the Butterfly Effect. So in this sense, other people's chaos is YOUR chaos. It is all connected.

For example, let's say the Unites States market collapses and investors lose all their money. This may seem like "other people's chaos" but in actuality it effects everyone, everywhere. Even some 4 year old living in Cambodia who doesn't even understand what a stock market is, is effected.

Just some food for thought.

Panther

vujade

And great thoughts, Panther.

I definitely would agree with you that it seems counter-intuitive to attempt to make order of chaos. LOL! Really, I am not trying to make ORDER of it as much as to acknowledge how it impacts my life and what role *I* play in it. By categorizing it as such, I am actually able to better identify those things which I cannot control. And I am better able to accept the overall effect, and perhaps the necessary role, that it has in my life.

It was getting to the point where I was resenting everyone in my life that needed me. I felt SOOOO over-needed. Work was crazy. My kids had overlapping baseball schedules, play dates, swimming lessons, etc. People in my family were planning events, one after another, and expecting my full participation. I had also had a divorce lingering out there that hadn't seen movement in months. On top of that, I had an A in my life who was disappearing for nights at a time and then calling or texting me with suicidal thoughts or weepy messages of love and desperation. I was on complete overload.

So, for me, I had to find a way to classify the chaos. Being a working, single mom is HARD. I love my children...but it is pure chaos sometimes and other times, minor chaos. THAT isn't going to change. But the way I view the impact that the chaos has on my life can change. The divorce is wreaking havoc on my emotions...it is chaotic. But again, if I can see it as passing chaos, it is easier for me to deal with. And if I can recognize that I DO have a hand in how quickly that passes, all the better.

That third class...it is simply a form of outright, disruptive, unproductive chaos. Not mine. I have no say in how it is created...how it is resolved...but I CAN choose as to whether or not I invest my emotional resources in dealing with it. It doesn't mean that it doesn't have an impact on me in SOME way, but just because it does, doesn't mean that I have to OWN it.

Without making this an incredibly lengthy response, I was at the point in my life where I was investing far more emotional energy (and therefore physical and mental energy) in someone else's chaos than I was in my own self, children and job. I had to be done with that. This little theory of mine has been my tool for doing that...and I can't begin to fully express what a difference it has made in my life. I feel peace and freedom I have never experienced.

I no longer want to be the girl who saved the world...just the girl who saved herself.

Panther

vujade -

I admire your strength. I have three dogs and a cat, and that's about all the responsibility I can handle at the moment! They make more than enough "happy" chaos for me .

I can feel the weight of everything in your words, and I can also feel that you are headed in a good direction. You are doing what you need to do, to be a good mom. I hope that when I have kids I can make the same type of tough decisions and still have it in me to manage play dates!

Thank you for the philosophical discussion and sharing your story.

Hugs,
Panther

vujade

LOL!!! Sometimes I feel like that's all the responsibility I can handle, too!!!

Thanks Panther! I always like a good discussion!

jamaicamecrazy

Thank you so much for this thread. It was beautifully written and I find more and more that analogies and visual language help me understand and accept concepts.
We need stress in our lives. But this is a good way to see if the stress is motivational, self inflicted, or something we need to just let go off.

Tuffgirl

Well said! I like your analogy. Puts it into an easy to understand perspective. Thanks for sharing.

vujade

Well put, Rayn! That's exactly what spurred my pondering. One day I was talking with a friend and said "My life is just pure chaos! " She laughed and said "It has been as long as I've known you. I just assumed you liked it that way."

That felt kind of sad to me...because it was true. My life has always been chaotic and I realize now that for a long time, I did like it that way. But I don't anymore. Serenity suits me much better.

mhealer3

yep, i understand your basic premise.
i see a lot of need in people for drama--
perhaps that's another name 4 chaos, as u say.
i have recently ceceded from a great deal of negative chaos,
but how 2 find the happy & rewarding type chaos? (like i had when my kids were small).
i see the need for that now, because of ur post & ty very much....
but i'm 50 yrs old now, & clueless as 2 HOW to replace the happy chaos of raising my little kids.
i'll not see any grandchildren soon, so what purposeful can i find 4 myself ?
any suggestions would b appreciated.