Can there be a future?
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2011
Location: Western US
Posts: 143
Can there be a future?
I have been lurking for a while and thought I would throw my question in the mix. I have been with my XABF for almost three years. The first two were great since he was unemployed and could not buy booze. Since he went back to work he has relapsed in a BIG way. He is not just back to drinking but it is ALL my fault. If I weren't this or that or stopped B****ing or..... So I finally kicked him out. It has been a few months and he is back to contacting me. He is DEEP denial. If not for my actions he would not feel the need to drink....yeah...have fun with that idea.
In any case, I do love him, but I don't think it would be any different if I allowed him back in my life. I have tried NC and that worked until this week. Now there is the continuous flurry of messages. He loves me and misses me but I need to see a shrink and get meds....blah blah blah.
I think I know what you will all say, but I guess I just need validation that there is really no hope for a future.
In any case, I do love him, but I don't think it would be any different if I allowed him back in my life. I have tried NC and that worked until this week. Now there is the continuous flurry of messages. He loves me and misses me but I need to see a shrink and get meds....blah blah blah.
I think I know what you will all say, but I guess I just need validation that there is really no hope for a future.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2010
Location: Midwest, USA
Posts: 2,899
As long as he's using there's no future. You might find that you don't like the sober version of him anyway.
I would ask instead: What do you want in your life? What's keeping you from achieving your best self?
I would ask instead: What do you want in your life? What's keeping you from achieving your best self?
Member
Join Date: May 2005
Location: Upstate NY
Posts: 1,637
Originally Posted by OnMyWay11 
He loves me and misses me but I need to see a shrink and get meds....blah blah blah.
Either way... sounds like it's not a good time for a relationship for you two because one of you needs to see a shrink and get meds!!!!
All kidding aside - getting involved in a relationship with an active addict is a tough way to live life. I am married to one and am dealing with and recovering from the effects of it by going to Al-anon. Because after all the years together... I needed a shrink and meds!!!!
I'm glad you stopped lurking and posted! Welcome!!
Shannon
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2011
Location: Western US
Posts: 143
Maybe I am just in a down slope with ending this relationship. I have a great job, beautiful home, etc and he has nothing. Every penny he ever earned has gone to one bar or another. Heck, he doesn't even own a bed or tv. But, when he wasn't drinking we had a lot of great times. When he was out of work I supported him and when he went back to work he supported the bar.
Even as I write this I am thinking maybe I do need a shrink and meds for even feeling so down about losing him. I have just never been in a relationship with an A before and it is really a different thought process.
Even as I write this I am thinking maybe I do need a shrink and meds for even feeling so down about losing him. I have just never been in a relationship with an A before and it is really a different thought process.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2011
Posts: 588
The good part of your relationship was when he was broke and sober, by default.
What is he bringing to this relationship, and what do you bring?
What do you hope to gain by re-entering the relationship?
Being in a relationship with an A is tough, and breaking free from them seems even tougher.
Go to Alanon, read these boards, seek counselling, if you think it will help. Heck, get a hobbie, and think looooooong and hard about what this might mean for you.
I heard a comedian say that after a break up people look at the pictures at the beach, doing fun things, happy moments with their ex. He recommended taking pictures of your ex (before you break up) when they are angry or at their worst. So that's what you remember when you later think of getting back together. Hmmmm, I think there's something to that.
Take care.
What is he bringing to this relationship, and what do you bring?
What do you hope to gain by re-entering the relationship?
Being in a relationship with an A is tough, and breaking free from them seems even tougher.
Go to Alanon, read these boards, seek counselling, if you think it will help. Heck, get a hobbie, and think looooooong and hard about what this might mean for you.
I heard a comedian say that after a break up people look at the pictures at the beach, doing fun things, happy moments with their ex. He recommended taking pictures of your ex (before you break up) when they are angry or at their worst. So that's what you remember when you later think of getting back together. Hmmmm, I think there's something to that.
Take care.
Member
Join Date: May 2011
Location: Memphis, TN
Posts: 2,884
Onmyway, welcome and hugs.
Based on my experience I would strongly recommend going to some Al-Anon meetings. Living with an active A really messed up my perception of them, myself and everything else. Al-Anon provided me the tools and support to become sane again. It can do the same for you.
Your friend,
Based on my experience I would strongly recommend going to some Al-Anon meetings. Living with an active A really messed up my perception of them, myself and everything else. Al-Anon provided me the tools and support to become sane again. It can do the same for you.
Your friend,
I'm no angel!
Join Date: May 2005
Location: tampa, fl
Posts: 6,728
Welcome,
This guy has no future with anyone, he has nothing, and probably never will. Do you really want to spend the rest of your life supporting an alcoholic? I know I wouldn't.
I also would suggest Alanon meetings, they will help.
This guy has no future with anyone, he has nothing, and probably never will. Do you really want to spend the rest of your life supporting an alcoholic? I know I wouldn't.
I also would suggest Alanon meetings, they will help.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2011
Posts: 29
I'm going through a similar experience. I find myself wondering....is he really an alcoholic?....is it not as bad as I'm making it out to be?....am I making a huge mistake by breaking it off?
I really don't have an answers for you. I have read the book Beyond the Influence by Ketcham and Asbury. I'd recommend you get a copy. It has some helpful tests in it used to diagnose alcoholism plus a lot of other good info.
I really don't have an answers for you. I have read the book Beyond the Influence by Ketcham and Asbury. I'd recommend you get a copy. It has some helpful tests in it used to diagnose alcoholism plus a lot of other good info.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2011
Posts: 338
Of course he wants to move back in with you. You are supporting him and his habit. Yes, it is terribly hard to let go even when we know that this person is not good for us. That is why it is codependent behavior.
It does not sound like he is even willing to try to stop drinking.
Think long and hard about what he really could bring to the relationship and what you want the future to look like.
Al Anon is also a great place to begin to put things in perspective.
Good luck to you.
It does not sound like he is even willing to try to stop drinking.
Think long and hard about what he really could bring to the relationship and what you want the future to look like.
Al Anon is also a great place to begin to put things in perspective.
Good luck to you.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2009
Posts: 43
WELCOME OnMyWay11
Yes, there IS a hope for an amazing future with endless possibilities for joy and happiness ....
however, this kind of future most likely will NOT be including your ABF.
Too many of us wish we had not wasted years and years while waiting for a happier future, waiting for things to get better - but instead, things just only got worse.
The last thing you want is to look back 5 years from now and still be thinking those first 2 years were the only "good days" in your relationship.
Keep coming back to SR - you will find knowledge, support and insight.
Yes, there IS a hope for an amazing future with endless possibilities for joy and happiness ....
however, this kind of future most likely will NOT be including your ABF.
Too many of us wish we had not wasted years and years while waiting for a happier future, waiting for things to get better - but instead, things just only got worse.
The last thing you want is to look back 5 years from now and still be thinking those first 2 years were the only "good days" in your relationship.
Keep coming back to SR - you will find knowledge, support and insight.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2011
Location: Western US
Posts: 143
Wellnowwhat
I DO have a hobby, I make incredible quilts, but all this craziness has made it impossible for me to even do that. I think you are right, I need to just start again
Thank you for all the great advice. I have looked at Al Anon but not gone to a meeting. I might since the last year, in particular, has warped my sense of myself and the world.
I DO have a hobby, I make incredible quilts, but all this craziness has made it impossible for me to even do that. I think you are right, I need to just start again
Thank you for all the great advice. I have looked at Al Anon but not gone to a meeting. I might since the last year, in particular, has warped my sense of myself and the world.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2008
Location: Wizard Land Downunder
Posts: 2,615
Onmyway, it doesn't sound like your xabf did much with his life in the past, his present isn't real wonderful either. I would suggest past and present behavior is a good look at what to expect in the future, and with him it looks pretty bare.
He has nothing, drinks himself into nothing and says YOU need a shrink and medication?
He sounds like a Nothing man, who needs his Something woman (you) to provide the necessaries he is incapable of providing himself.
You have it together, he doesn't and you DO NOT need him around to ruin your life, as he will.
NC is the way to keep going, and living your life to the full is your right.
Don't feel you need to sacrifice yourself for someone totally unworthy of you.
Get along to Alanon and strengthen yourself against his quacking.
He has nothing, drinks himself into nothing and says YOU need a shrink and medication?
He sounds like a Nothing man, who needs his Something woman (you) to provide the necessaries he is incapable of providing himself.
You have it together, he doesn't and you DO NOT need him around to ruin your life, as he will.
NC is the way to keep going, and living your life to the full is your right.
Don't feel you need to sacrifice yourself for someone totally unworthy of you.
Get along to Alanon and strengthen yourself against his quacking.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2011
Location: Western US
Posts: 143
Jadmack
Thanks for the words of encouragement. I started my day waaaay down and came here and found just what I needed to hear. Every time I read comments I ask myself what are you thinking???? It has gotten me through the day with no desire to break NC with him at all.
Thanks for the words of encouragement. I started my day waaaay down and came here and found just what I needed to hear. Every time I read comments I ask myself what are you thinking???? It has gotten me through the day with no desire to break NC with him at all.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2011
Posts: 29
I don't think I'd ever be able to trust him again if he's still using. Another risk to consider is his passing STDs along to you. I bet the rates of STDs are much higher amongst people who frequent bars. And I bet he is less likely to use a condom when he's plastered.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2010
Location: Indianapolis, IN
Posts: 37
Hi OnMyWay! You and I have a very similar story. First, a little background:
I have known my xabf for 25+ years. He was a high school friend of my ex-husband. When we were young and all dating our future ex-spouses (ha) we hung out at times. I was always very attracted to him. He was gorgeous and had a very charismatic personality. Fast forward 23 years: we ran into each other, now both divorced, at a bar. The sparks were immediate and furious. He came home with me that night and we were not really apart for the next 1.5 years.
The main question I have for myself, now, is this: what part of unemployed alcoholic with no car, no place of his own, deadbeat dad did I think would be a good chance to take? That choice has haunted me for the past 1.5 years. I have only split from him, with finality, in the past 1-2 weeks.
I know that he loved (needed?) me. He claims that he still does and always will. I was the "one true love" of his life. I also know (I'm not that stupid) that I was a free-ride for him. I am a registered nurse (hello codies!!) that has a wonderful career, nice home, car for him to drive, plenty of food in the cupboards, a little extra money every paycheck to have fun, etc. Oh, and I did allow him to drink too. I provided beer and booze aplenty. Of course I drank too. This went on for a year. There were some good times and a lot of bad times. I tolerated so much bad behavior it stuns me now in retrospect. At any rate, he went into rehab 6 months ago. He got a job. I allowed myself to think that everything would be alright. It wasn't. He started drinking again 2 weeks ago.
If it weren't for this forum I would still be in that sick relationship. I still have my moments, like you, when I think about (briefly, oh so briefly) letting him back in. It is then when I come to this place and regain my footing. It just takes reading a few posts to remind me that I am so much better than that. I deserve so much more than that. You do too! We all do.
Peace.
Maureen
I have known my xabf for 25+ years. He was a high school friend of my ex-husband. When we were young and all dating our future ex-spouses (ha) we hung out at times. I was always very attracted to him. He was gorgeous and had a very charismatic personality. Fast forward 23 years: we ran into each other, now both divorced, at a bar. The sparks were immediate and furious. He came home with me that night and we were not really apart for the next 1.5 years.
The main question I have for myself, now, is this: what part of unemployed alcoholic with no car, no place of his own, deadbeat dad did I think would be a good chance to take? That choice has haunted me for the past 1.5 years. I have only split from him, with finality, in the past 1-2 weeks.
I know that he loved (needed?) me. He claims that he still does and always will. I was the "one true love" of his life. I also know (I'm not that stupid) that I was a free-ride for him. I am a registered nurse (hello codies!!) that has a wonderful career, nice home, car for him to drive, plenty of food in the cupboards, a little extra money every paycheck to have fun, etc. Oh, and I did allow him to drink too. I provided beer and booze aplenty. Of course I drank too. This went on for a year. There were some good times and a lot of bad times. I tolerated so much bad behavior it stuns me now in retrospect. At any rate, he went into rehab 6 months ago. He got a job. I allowed myself to think that everything would be alright. It wasn't. He started drinking again 2 weeks ago.
If it weren't for this forum I would still be in that sick relationship. I still have my moments, like you, when I think about (briefly, oh so briefly) letting him back in. It is then when I come to this place and regain my footing. It just takes reading a few posts to remind me that I am so much better than that. I deserve so much more than that. You do too! We all do.
Peace.
Maureen
Skipper
Join Date: Sep 2010
Location: South Texas, USA
Posts: 827
When words like these rattled me, I got smart and gripped my recovery even more. If I had meditated 10 minutes before, I made it 20 minutes. If I read my devotional message twice, I started reading it four times. If I went to one meeting a week, I changed it to two or three.
That's what's been working for me.
That's what's been working for me.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2011
Posts: 141
OnMyWay11 -
I really don't understand your message. Why do you need validation from perfect strangers??? We don't know you, how can we possibly validate your life or your decisions? Only you can do that.
If you want to end the relationship, end the relationship, but don't do it because you received validation. Do it because its what YOU want to do. No one, and I mean NO ONE can live your life for you. Imagine how easy life would be if we felt good about every decision because it was validated by someone else.
The harsh truth is - life is simply not that easy. You will not receive an easy answer here or anywhere else. Some will try to give you an easy answer, some will try to give you the validation you seek, and it may make you feel good for a short time, but then that will wear out and I'm sure you'll be back for more validation soon.
From experience I find that the only validation you can ever get is on your own. From your own mind and heart. You can do the research, you can educate yourself, or you can not. No amount of validation in the world can give you that.
So, sorry, no I cannot validate you. Even if I wanted to, I couldn't.
Panther
I really don't understand your message. Why do you need validation from perfect strangers??? We don't know you, how can we possibly validate your life or your decisions? Only you can do that.
If you want to end the relationship, end the relationship, but don't do it because you received validation. Do it because its what YOU want to do. No one, and I mean NO ONE can live your life for you. Imagine how easy life would be if we felt good about every decision because it was validated by someone else.
The harsh truth is - life is simply not that easy. You will not receive an easy answer here or anywhere else. Some will try to give you an easy answer, some will try to give you the validation you seek, and it may make you feel good for a short time, but then that will wear out and I'm sure you'll be back for more validation soon.
From experience I find that the only validation you can ever get is on your own. From your own mind and heart. You can do the research, you can educate yourself, or you can not. No amount of validation in the world can give you that.
So, sorry, no I cannot validate you. Even if I wanted to, I couldn't.
Panther
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2011
Location: Western US
Posts: 143
Panther
I know that inside. I am very much a researcher at heart. It is what I do for a living. My problem is that I have always operated on logic and I just am not seeing any logic in this situation. I am beginning to to feel that there is just no logic dealing with an A no matter what.
On top of that, as intelligent as I am, I actually took a phone call from him this morning to be enlightened on why he only goes to the bar because I don't pay him enough attention. Again....no logic on my part or his. I did tell him to stop blaming me for his drinking and hung up. I need to be stronger in my resolve to keep NC no matter how much he contacts me.
I know that inside. I am very much a researcher at heart. It is what I do for a living. My problem is that I have always operated on logic and I just am not seeing any logic in this situation. I am beginning to to feel that there is just no logic dealing with an A no matter what.
On top of that, as intelligent as I am, I actually took a phone call from him this morning to be enlightened on why he only goes to the bar because I don't pay him enough attention. Again....no logic on my part or his. I did tell him to stop blaming me for his drinking and hung up. I need to be stronger in my resolve to keep NC no matter how much he contacts me.
I'm no angel!
Join Date: May 2005
Location: tampa, fl
Posts: 6,728
OnMyWay,
I, originally posted here for validation. And to me, many come here for exactly that, validation.
At that point in my life I was very confused, I needed others to validate my feelings, and for me, complete strangers in a forum enviorment such as this were easier for me to open up to.
I felt that if someone would validate/acknowledge my feelings I was confirming that I was on the right tract.
As for what Panther said about "we" validating you, please do not include me in the "we".
I came here because I was on a fact finding mission, hence looking for support and direction. I found both here, with others guidance and truthfulliness I was able to make the best decision for me.
Keep posting, we are here for you.
I, originally posted here for validation. And to me, many come here for exactly that, validation.
At that point in my life I was very confused, I needed others to validate my feelings, and for me, complete strangers in a forum enviorment such as this were easier for me to open up to.
I felt that if someone would validate/acknowledge my feelings I was confirming that I was on the right tract.
As for what Panther said about "we" validating you, please do not include me in the "we".
I came here because I was on a fact finding mission, hence looking for support and direction. I found both here, with others guidance and truthfulliness I was able to make the best decision for me.
Keep posting, we are here for you.
Skipper
Join Date: Sep 2010
Location: South Texas, USA
Posts: 827
I, too, wanted to come back and offer support once again, since that's what I've sought and received here time and time again. It can be pretty shaky to live with an alcoholic and sometimes the feelings don't seem to match any kind of logic. We're smart people, and living in Upside Down alcoholic world leaves us with unsure footing.
We're successful people in many parts of our lives. We know how to do things, most of the time. To know other people are around to give us a boost is A-ok and completely human.
We're successful people in many parts of our lives. We know how to do things, most of the time. To know other people are around to give us a boost is A-ok and completely human.
Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
