NotSoSmart

I got a message from my AGF tonight. Last weekend I had gotten the drunken call from someone telling me that she and my AGF drank, smoked together and she supplied her with some percosets. Needless to say I was very upset about this info and more lies, but I sought help here and at meetings to put it in better perspective for me.

Anyway... my AGF wrote me a letter, and i was in process of writing her back when this info came to light.In her letter she asked me that if I had anything to tell her that I do it while she had the support of her treatment. So I told her about the information and how I felt about it. I didn't share in a negative way or blame or criticize her. I just told her I knew about it, wasn't thrilled about it but that was why she was there and we'll work through it as long as we both stay in our respective programs.

So the voice mail... she said she got my letter; out of 3 pages the only thing she commented on was the part about the beans that got spilled about her. She said that she didn't want me talking to "K" while she was in rehab, and that she "didn't want to hear anything" while she was there. I'm assuming that means anything that upsets her apple cart. I had time in the car to think and get progressively more angry about this. I think (based on what others have said here) that this is what you call "quacking". but i'm not sure b/c I've never dealt with rehab. Are they really so fragile? I know that her early sobriety is going to be a very selfish time for her, but isn't the point of rehab to deal with stuff with supports? I feel like I can only tell her shiny happy positives.

I know my program is mine and hers will be hers, but I don't feel as good about her treatment as I did before. She's only been there 2 weeks, so am I jumping the gun in my expectations of what she can handle? We have our first family visit SUnday. She said she wanted to talk more about it then, but now I'm unclear as to what's "OK" to say about my feelings, which doesn't feel good AT ALL. Should I not have said it? I considered calling her therapist to find out what the deal is. I am going to a meeting tomorrow night, and I'll seek support there.

Panther

Think about it like this - if your AGF were having major surgery would you risk saying something to upset her when she's trying to recover from it? This is a major illness, millions die from it. Her life depends on her getting better. She's not being selfish, she's trying to survive.

Panther

WendyOWilliams

Life on life's terms. She's had enough imaginary life. If she doesn't like her real one, that's not your problem.

LexieCat

She's only been there two weeks. Whatever you say to her might, indeed, be upsetting to her, but she's just learning to handle stuff sober. Take it with a grain of salt. It's not going to ruin her recovery. She does, in fact, have support there to help her process it.

The emotions I was newly feeling were the toughest part of early sobriety, for me.

So, to answer your question, she isn't made of glass, though she might be feeling like she is. Don't let it get under your skin. It's often upsetting when we first realize some of our secrets are "out". She will get over it, if she works at it.

Tuffgirl

Bad habits are hard to break - especially those life long emotional reactions to the world that never served us well to begin with but we've been carrying them around forever.

My experience with early sobriety in regards to my husband is it is a confusing time full of starts and stops. Mt therapist called it a time of "two steps forward and one back". Progress is made, but slooooowly. I have to pace my own expectations to that, if I want to continue the relationship. Not an easy task given I am impatient!

But when I step back and look at the changes I have made myself lately, I realize that I too have stops and starts. It's a process. Patience with each other is key to success.

Symmetry

We have to move on and not hold on. We have to trust that people learn and want to be the best they can be. It's hard to be accountable for something you weren't even doing while sober.

I'm sorry you have been hurt by your loved one's choices. It sounds like youre taking responsibility for your own healing and please trust that's what she's doing as well.

Freedom1990

Agreed. Be honest and open when you are there for family visit.

Raindance

When I was in rehab I felt like I was made of glass. The process was very overwhelming, I was more emotionally raw than I had ever been in my life, and sometimes if I was talking to my spouse on the phone I would react to things I normally wouldn't, I just felt like I wasn't able to fit anything more on my plate at that moment.

NotSoSmart

She called me today... specifically to apologize for her voice mail. She said it wasn't exactly what she wanted to say and the way she had wanted to say it. she had written it on a paper but left it in her room when it was phone time.

At any rate, she apologized for what she said and took responsibility and acknowledged that it came across as rude. She is terrified that I am going to leave her, and the conversation I had with "K" fed into those fears. I was pleased and impressed... its a great start and a noticeable improvement. I feel a lot better about Sunday visit and her progress in general. I think the time apart is good for us both, b/c if she were home and this had happened I know I'm not yet in the place I want to be, where i can detach and not come at things full steam with anger. I have more work to do in that department :O

LexieCat

Yup, I think that's one of the big advantages of rehab, for both people. Keep working on YOU, let her keep working on HER, and you will both be in a better place when it's time to be together again. Just remember, even after all that work you've both been doing, there will be rocky spots. Detachment will be an excellent skill to develop.