EveningRose

I posted earlier today about my parents once again extending invitations, which I know from past experience may then be extended directly to my kids, including minors, behind my back. Or maybe they already have.

I'm finding my anger at my parents is growing, despite having been largely NC with them for about 3 years. (I've had enough contact to know they haven't changed and don't see any reason why they should.)

One of the reasons I finally had it with my mother is, among other things, the negative, untrue things she says about me, always finding proof in any event of my negative characteristics. Some 35 years after the fact, she was telling my best friend that I 'refused' to learn in 3rd grade. The TRUTH is that I grew up in a family that moved all the time, I ended up in a school way ahead in some subjects and the ADULTS in the family never sat down and helped me catch up.

The first time I heard this version from my friend, I just rolled my eyes. Really sort of laughed it off. Then I started hearing more of this kind of stuff, from my kids, from people at church, to whom my mother is telling these sorts of stories. She even said some of it directly to me. Now, some years after the fact, with all the other things piled on, I'm starting to get downright ANGRY that they would first leave me to struggle, not bother helping me at all, then find fault with me for an obviously normal childhood struggle in a difficult situation, and then use it to badmouth me years later to me own children and MY friends. (I can't imagine badmouthing my daughter to her friends, or telling my mother's friends bad things about her. WHO DOES THAT???)

I want the anger to go away. I want to live my own life, which I usually think I'm really good at. But sometimes, the more I realize how unjust and wrong this is, I wonder if maybe it's a sign of growing health to finally be getting angry about this.

If that's the case, what do you DO with the anger in the meantime. I can't change anything. I can't make her quit. Pointing out to her that any child would struggle in such a situation and she was too busy taking flower making classes to help me would only give her more fodder to find fault with me. So what's the point in getting angry? And when and how does it finally go away?

chicory

sounds almost like she feels guilty and is trying to convince herself of her innocence.
I am sorry. Family should not hurt us like that, especially our parents. She sounds very dysfunctional, and I can understand why you want no contact.
At one point, I was in a lot of pain, emotionally, about the lack of parenting I got from both alcoholic parents. I found that I could parent myself , a little at a time, and it is not a substitute for the real thing, but it is helpful in getting to know and understand and validate your feelings.
I support you , in turning away from painful people. I hope that you know that this is her problem, and has nothing to do with you.
Have you told her how you feel? Perhaps it would help you to let her know how you feel, even if you have to detach after, it might be what that inner child needs, to speak your pain, and not ignore it anymore. maybe you could let it go easier, after letting them know you hold them accountable for their sadly lacking parenting .
i am sorry hon. it hurts, but you are obviously a smart woman, caring,and it is apparent that you value yourself, and that you know right from wrong.

if you tell her, and she continues, is it going to be any different if you dont tell her? if she is going to do it anyway, why not call her on it? just my opinion. I am sorry you were treated this way. that does hurt.

hugs
chicory

EveningRose

Thank you for your kind words, chicory.

Last time I said anything to her about the things she says was regarding a member of my husband's family who refused to allow me in her home, saying I was 'rude.' (I say please and thank you to my cats, for pete's sake, I definitely wasn't rude to a person, never mind my husband's relatives.) Long story short, turns out it was because I had to leave lunch early one day to get to work.

One day, this issue came up. My mother's response was, "Well, you were rather cold to her." (My mother has met this woman once, had no further contact, and lived 2,000 miles away.) I pointed this out, and she had a look of confusion on her face, as if for one split second, she saw clearly the truth of what I was saying, and was trying to figure why was she saying such a thing. Then the veil dropped over her eyes, and she went back to believing I must have done something, though she couldn't back it up with anything.

I think the reason I don't bother (avoid?) saying anything is that I know my mother, and she collects these stories of injuries done to her (which of course, my saying anything at all will be) and repeats them endlessly, over and over, to anyone who will listen, for the next 35 years.

I think I'm once again hurt and upset tonight because again my older kids are going to my parents' house partly to use it for a film they're making, but they'll sit and socialize, and as loyal as I've been to people in my life, I would love it if someone would show that loyalty to me, and say, "Hey, you said some untrue things to and about my mother, and I don't like that." I'm getting tired of other people letting me know they like my mother quite well, and holding my tongue rather than starting something by saying, "Come back and tell me how you feel when she starts behaving with YOU as she behaves with me." Ho

doublewhammy

I don't have much to offer you except that I wanted to tell you this:

Your mother has said some rather unkind and untrue things about you and I don't like that.

You know how I know? It's because reading your posts I can sincerely feel as though I have written them. My entire life I have been defending myself, trying to tell the TRUE version of things and explaining that my mother is a liar. Even over the last few years in my desperate pleas of help for my mother with her drinking I would tell her family. They would go talk to her, she would make up lies about me and my brothers, etc. and then then would come back to me and tell me all the horrible things we did to her (which were not even exaggerated, but ENTIRELY made up in her crazy mind) and then they would blow me off or tell me we were the issue because of x,y,z reason.

I feel what you are saying. I truly do. You didn't do any of those things and WHAT YOUR MOTHER SAYS DOES NOT DEFINE WHO YOU ARE.

It's hard to not be angry when you know you are a good person, with good intentions and in your own home and life you care about your children the way your mother SHOULD have cared about you. Not the way she PRETENDS to, the way she SHOULD HAVE.

I get it. I really, really do. I just don't have any answers on how to make it better except to walk away from her and the other unhealthy members of the family that are an extension of her.

I have called my mother out on all of these things. It has not made any difference.

I also know what you mean when you say you want the anger to go away. I was just telling a friend yesterday that I can feel myself becoming angry again (now I'm not going to act crazy or anything) but I just can feel myself so angry inside since I have had to deal with the consequences of my mom's drinking now that she is in the hospital. I hate the way I am feeling right now. I don't like to feel this way and I haven't felt this way in a long time...but IT'S BAAAAAACKKKKK.

GingerM

Your mother has repeatedly, historically and currently violated your trust. Of course you're going to be angry.

To find a way through the anger and be able to let go, you'll need first to address what's under the anger. I'm guessing that for this particular issue, the breach of trust is under there.

Has she ever given you reason TO trust her? Has she given you reasons to think that she may have suddenly become trustworthy? If the answer to both of those questions is "no" (or "bwahahahahaha" - which might be a bit closer to my own answer to those questions), then why do you continue to assume that you can trust her, then get angry when she proves, yet again, that you can't?

Apologies for the brevity, not much time of late, but definitely wanted to reply to this one. I struggled for years with it and am just now wrestling it to the ground.

chicory

It is good that you are voicing these feelings here. that will help a bit.
I have a sister who has boderline personality disorder, we believe, and there is no way to deal with her, on a really honest level. She always makes her self the victim, and us the bad guys. no matter how many times we try to heal our relationship, she will sabotage it, and we have to start over again, convincing her that we love her, and are not wanting to slight her. but things never change. and the things she says about me hurt, and I am tired of defending myself, and now, i am done. for it never changes. she never changes. the only thing that may help is when she sees that i am not going to play the games. of course, she probably has this disorder and needs help, but none of us can convince her of that. every relationship in her life has suffered, and she will not see. i guess she is more comfortable with the distance between us. and i am going to let that be. it is sad, it is a great loss.
perhaps you mom has a disorder, and you cant win against that. if you are there to be her target, she may not be able to do anything but make you the faulty one. you do not deserve this, and i am sorry.
i have found that there are others in the world who can love and appreciate me, and that i dont have to play exhausting games in order to interact with them.
you may very well find others who can be "family" or "parents". it is not always blood that cements good relationships. and first and foremost, you can parent yourself and not let these sick people affect your life. i hope that you can find a way to do that.
you sound like a loving and sensitive person. it is their loss, but they are lost. by the time they need someone and want your love and attention, it will probably be after you totally detach. and who wants to play those games? not me.

wishing you something wonderful in your day. dont let them make you feel like there is something wrong with you. find others who are capable of friendship.

hugs
chicory

EveningRose

Thank you, Ginger. I think part of my frustration is that the anger keeps rearing up and I'm not even particularly sure why, because she hasn't done anything in particular this time. It was my dad who invited the kids to come over and invited us to their anniversary dinner. We did see her the other day in traffic and she gave a cheerful wave like she hasn't noticed I haven't been at her house in 3-1/2 years. Maybe that's all it took to set me off. I've been working with kids this week and a parent was extremely late to pick up a child, leaving the poor kid worried and embarrassed and me frustrated because I, too, had places to be. Maybe that set me off, as my mother was forever leaving me as the last one while the coach or whoever waited and waited and waited with me for her to show up.

Chicory, I have long since begun to think that my mother does indeed have some disorder, when I think about how bitter and hateful she is, about how excessive her talking is (as in, I have literally put the phone down and left to take care of things I had to do and when I come back 5 minutes later, she's still going and hasn't even noticed I'm gone), how self-involved she is, always talking about herself and her beliefs and thoughts. If she's ever asked how I'm doing, I really can't even remember it. I saw a counselor for awhile who repeatedly reminded me that she is 'impaired.'

Doublewhammy, thank you. Funny, DS2 brought up my parents this morning. DS1 lives with my parents, and DS2 said DS1 can't stand living there and my parents clearly don't want him there, that my father is making DS1 get up at 7every morning even when he's been up half the night at work (which is every night as it's a 7 nights a week job). As the day has worn on, I've come to realize that my kids do see what's going on, and using their house for filming and chatting and being friendly with my parents when they do doesn't mean they have huge love for them or prefer them to me.

And here again, my anger is growing. All these years, my parents have taken in maybe half a dozen of my younger siblings friends, because those 'poor kids' have such difficult parents. They were happy to have my siblings at home until they were well into their 20's, and actually rather unhappy with them for moving out. But with my son, who does not smoke, drink, swear, who works 40+ hours a week and has decent friends, they treat him like this. I'm coming to believe more and more that my parents are huge hypocrites.

Ramblon

Its good if your taking it out on a punching bag. Bad if your holding it in, which as it seems your not. I found that separating myself from the family BS has given me some peace. A therapist once suggested I do this. Its helped me. Also when I feel my anger rising, a good jog around town would dissapate this rather quickly. Good luck Rosey.

BadCompany

My take on your situation? You are arguing with a crazy person and that in itself is going to be a frustrating thing.

EveningRose

This is exactly my frustration. I'm not arguing with them. I stay away from them completely. Of course, maybe the heart of the issue is that I'm still arguing this argument with them in my own head. Maybe the question I should be asking is how do I stop re-running the arguments in my own head. I certainly know saying it out loud will get me nowhere. But in my head, I'm still going at it.

Kialua

EveningRose I went through the very same thing. The moving part especially, how could I keep up when we moved 10 times by 10th grade. I eventually gave up altogether and simply used school as a resting place, staring out the windows, before going back to the battlefield each day. I have to say my Mom lied about me (us) till the end of her life. She was the enabler for my AF. My guess is that it's such a habit that she just never broke out of it. She too was vindictive and said terrible things about us to one another.

The last lie was a doozey. She lived in an apt. building and called me to say she was ready to move to the nursing home my niece worked in. So I called my sister and they got it all set up and my brothers and us moved her in. Meanwhile, one of my closest friends' Mom also lived in the same apt. building and knew my Mom. She hesitatingly approached me one day and asked me why my Mom left, I told her and she told me what her Mom heard. My Mom told hers that we kids forced her into a home and her even having lawyers fighting us didn't work because she had given my sister executor control and we were so mean. She had the whole building up in arms over what rotten people we were. Arg. She didn't have a lawyer and we didn't force her. She was in her late 90's sharp as a tack and lived for one year after that. But thanks a lot smearing my name in the whole apt. building where people knew me. I should have known something was up when she never wanted to go back once to visit the building when I often offered.

These things are part and parcel of the lifestyle our parents have chosen. Just don't get caught up in their craziness. Expect it –and maneuver accordingly. Good luck hon.

GingerM

Again, short on time, my apologies.

Have you considered that perhaps they treat your son like this because he makes them look bad? To have someone who is working hard, not blaming others, not drinking, running a "clean" life in their own house for all to see the differences between your son and your parents? It's gotta be tough to know that your grandson is outshining you. So how to deal with that? Badmouth the good person and/or kick them out so no one draws comparisons.

Then have the people who, at the very least, don't make you look bad come live with you. If you're really lucky, you can get someone more dysfunctional than you are, call them a "poor kid" and hey! Suddenly you look great to the outside world!

Just something to roll around in your head.

EveningRose

Kialua, thanks for sharing your story. It makes me think I'm not so crazy after all. Because always, at the back of my mind is the almost subconscious thought that nobody in their right mind would treat their daughter like that when I am a responsible, moral, clean-living, productive citizen who bends over backwards to treat others with respect. Of course, the answer is, they are NOT in their right minds. But to the world, they're church-going, job-holding, functioning people.

Ginger, despite what they are now at 70, my parents in their own minds are two people who did well in school, are college educated, held responsible jobs, gave to charity, volunteer for the church, etc., etc., while my son was a college drop-out without a job, and they blame that on me for not 'making' him do finish college and 'making' him get to his job on time. And of course, when I tried to 'make' him do something and he reacted badly, they blame me for that, too. So to sum up, in their minds, they're good, he and I are screw-ups, and I don't think they have any fear of him making them look bad.

Of course, I think sometimes things go on beneath the surface where they may not recognize or admit it even to themselves.

My dad is the very functional sort of alcoholic, never really shows it to the outside world, never missed a day of work due to it, etc.

Kialua

EveningRose, it's so hard when the rest of the world doesn't see what we see isn't it? My AF was the same: held a job never late or missed a day, my relatives thought he was a peach, which totally surprised me as I assumed everyone knew he was a drunk and a beater. I guess that's why we moved so often, so no one WOULD know.

But I think Ginger is right about them being nervous around your son even though they think more highly of themselves than they ought. Just being a non drinker makes drinkers just upset. I've run into that myself.

Your son sounds like someone to be proud of, there aren't that many guys who measure up to him, good job.

EveningRose

Thanks, Kialua, for putting into words what was hovering at the back of my mind. It's not only the lack of drinking where my son is at the opposite end of the spectrum from my dad. And it may be my dad sees those things on some level.

Kialua

You're welcome.

I think it is a deflective move for them. Casting dispersions on others takes the spotlight off of them.

Example from my life: My parents were horrible abusers, never apologized or admitted it. But my Mom would always get mad and say terrible things about my nieces or others to frame THEM as bad parents. The pot calling the kettle black. One time she said that my niece was abusing her child! I said what? She answered that just look at how she is rocking that baby in her arms! That is 'adleling' her brains and is abusive. Yeah right! How nuts is that. My niece was just normally rocking her and was a great Mom. It's just to deflect and justify in their own minds.