Tyler312

Hello,
I've posted here a few times over the last year or two and always received a lot of good advice boundaries.

Last January I told my wife because of the way she misuses her medicines, we needed to get a divorce. Within a day or two of that discussion, I decided to give her a second chance. She would clean up her act and I would give her support.

That has not worked well at all.

So now we are on the verge of major discussion #2. I am torn between a boundary of "enough is enough... we need divorce/separation" or what seems like an excessive boundary that she stops any medicine she doesn't need, and I control the rest. I'd also have to have more oversight in finances, etc. Right now I have absolutely no trust in her being honest with me. There have been a lot of lies, half-truths, and deception in the last few months.

I have heard from a few people that managing a spouse's medicine does not work. I don't think it will... but outside of divorce/separation or her stopping the meds completely, I don't know what else to do.

I'm second guessing the divorce/separation option, but that may just be the co-dependent in me.

Any suggestions or experience?

Thanks....
Tyler

suki44883

Boundaries are worthless unless you are willing to back them up. Also, boundaries are not rules for her to follow. They do not require her to do anything differently. Boundaries are like deals you make with yourself as to how you will handle the situation; such as, if she continues to misuse her medication, I will not live with her. That doesn't require her to stop doing what she will do anyway, it sets forth an action on your part.

Either you are ready to leave if she continues as she has, or you aren't. Making threats or giving ultimatums don't work.

LifeRecovery

Tyler-

I am sure someone with more experience than me will be along soon.

I just have to say I have been in a similar situation and I had to learn that for me setting boundaries were not about the other person, or about the reaction another might give, but about me. Me setting a boundary did not work when in any way I attempted to control another person's behavior. I am not coming up with a good statement example of this at the moment (I am an early morning person and it is past my thinking hours).

In addition I could not even hint at a boundary that I was not ready to enforce...I would just cave if I did and the cycle would continue.

Good luck and when I come up with a boundary I will post it. I bet others have some good ones.

EJG123

If your boundary is, "I will not live with a person who is misusing their medication" and misuse has continued, then you need to follow through or the boundary is meaningless.
If she is an addict, trying to control her medication/finances won't work. It will just make you both crazy.

Tyler312

I keep getting stuck on the "control" part of a boundary, or that a boundary cannot control another person's behavior.

Because I truly believe nothing will work with her. She has a massive amount of denial and excuses. She seemed to wake up a bit when I mentioned divorce in January, but that just forced her deceit to be a bit more creative and thorough.

In my analytical mind, the control thing is tricky, because at the end of the day I want her to not misuse her meds. Saying "if you do this I will leave you" is just a different way of looking at it.

LifeRecovery

It was really hard for me to understand that the only person I could control would be me.

My boundaries had to be I statements: instead of "if you do this I will leave you." I had to do something along the lines of "If I suspect, see, or experience the following behavior (for me it was staggering, being inappropriate with the dogs, cursing at me etc), I will not stay in the house that night." That is not a great example but boundaries only worked when I did not try to manhandle his drinking. I had to give him the dignity of his own choices, but I have a choice in how to respond to it.

THanks for posting this is helping me figure out some really important stuff.

NotSoSmart

I have found that monitoring the meds did not work at all with my AGF. In fact, it created a lot of stress on me and the relationship, b/c i ended up being the "pill police"; making sure she was out of the room and hiding the key to the box, hiding in various places to ensure she didn't find it. Hiding it "better" when she did. A lot of my energy went to HER medication, her needling me for pills, trying to manipulate me into giving her some when she didn't need them. Its just not worth your sanity to do that.

Freedom1990

You can't control her behavior and she is going to do what she is going to do.

If you've truly accepted that nothing will work with her as you have said, then you know controlling her meds, etc is not going to be the answer.

tallgirl77

I have to agree with everyones response on this. I recently was asked to control my exabf meds and like everyone said, it just caused more problems. Hiding the meds, counting them to make sure he didn't sneak and take some, which he did, trying to find other places to hide them. It just became too much for me to deal with. Making threats of "if you do X I will do X" just don't work because it seems that we never follow through with our end of the bargin. I finally had enough and refused to let exabf addicition run my life and asked him to leave.

You have to decide what your willing to put up with/deal with and if those boundaries are crossed then you have to do whats right by you.

Good luck... ((((hugs))))

Impurrfect

(((Tyler))) - I'm an RA, but can give you a little insight on the medications issue. Thanks to PTSD, I have to take prescription meds for sleep. My stepmom has issues, and wants to be numb/asleep all the time.

She's stolen my meds several times. Told me, later, how she felt horrible, cried at what she had done to me, etc. I later came back to my room to find her in my purse, taking my meds.

I can't leave home, thanks to the financial destruction caused by my own addiction. I bought a lock box, and hide the key, moving it to another hidey-spot every few days. I recently was out of town for 2 days, took all my meds with me as I didn't trust her having 2 days to look for the key.

It's awful. I can't even make a boundary of "if you steal my pills" other than call the cops, and that would just cause hardship on my DAD is supporting all of us, though I do work 2-3 jobs and pay my bills.

It's no way to live, I can tell you that. I love my stepmom dearly, I just don't trust her when it comes to any meds.

It sounds like you've already come to the conclusion she's not going to change. That leaves you...are YOU willing to change for your own peace of mind? It's not easy, I know..left XABF#3 as he didn't want to change.

Hugs and prayers,

Amy

NotSoSmart

i don't mean it to seem that i'm minimizing this issue, but i do have to say that i am so relieved to meet others who know what i'm talking about in regards to playing "hide the key". No one else in my world understands - they think just hide the key from her... hide it once, it stays hidden. They totally don't get how clever addicts are and even in their foggiest minds, they remember all your "usual" hiding places.

Bless this place