EveningRose

I got the news this morning that AF wants my younger kids to visit. He's built a new playground in his back yard that I know they'll want to play on when they hear about it. AF also wants all of us to come to dinner out with the whole family (siblings, nieces, nephews).

The message came to me about third hand and I told the messenger no without a second thought. No, the kids are not going to be under his supervision, no I'm not taking them, no, I don't want anyone else taking them. I guess that's a step forward.

But I'm back to the angry inner dialogue, listing to myself all the obnoxious, hurtful, insulting things parents and siblings have been doing for years, even a few (very few) instances of outright physical assault, harrassment, and threats from AF, to the point that even devout Christians are telling me to get away from these people (no forgive and be nice, no turn the other cheek), to the point that people are saying I should take out a restraining order against AF.

I know my older kids will be angry when I no longer allow them to take the younger kids to visit (not that they do much anyway). My husband seemed annoyed when I said I didn't want even him taking the kids there anymore (again, he rarely does, maybe at Christmas or Easter to say hello for an hour). I told him it's sending the message to everyone that these people can treat me as badly as they like and the rest of them can keep being one big happy family. I told him it's sending the message to my own children that I can be treated as people please and I'm dispensable, that I don't deserve any better.

I'm annoyed, very annoyed, a little angry. And yet, I have a lot of good things in my life. I find myself having the angry inner dialogues about them every day, still, and still trying to get away from it. I don't want them the center of my life.

If I could pack the kids and move away, I would do it in a heartbeat. I think I'm stuck here for the time being.

EveningRose

I guess I'm wondering if the angry inner dialogue ever goes away.

Can I just continue forever with disengaging? I know it's not going to do any good at all to try to talk with any of them. They see their reality and that's it, end of story. (ie, I clearly remember cleaning up thoroughly after my kids every time, while admitting I may have missed something (we're talking like a small lego under a couch or in the corner) on occasion. Not good enough for my brother, he says I don't clean up after them properly and I better start--where do you go with being told to do what you ALREADY ARE doing???) AF, on asking why I'm angry and being told a long list of ugly, abusive words and actions, simply says none of it happened, so why am I angry??!!!

My feeling is it's over unless I get a sincere apology. Apart from my lying, cheating husband, I've never DEMANDED and required a sincere apology from anyone. That they decided to be nice again has always been good enough and I've been quick to forgive. And I guess the question of whether I'm in my rights to finally expect an acknowledgment and apology is moot because I know it will never happen.

doublewhammy

First, I'm sorry you are going through this, but I know the feelings quite well.

I think that while you are still involved with all of the people that have caused this hurt for you, it's going to be difficult to get rid of the pain. If you are at the point that you are ready to remove yourself from them, go with it. You don't have to answer to anyone but yourself...not even your husband.

From my experience, it had been the best 1 1/2 years of my life having zero contact with my mother. Now, that she is in the hospital and I have been dealing with it every day, I have been feeling all those same feelings of resentment, disappointment, frustration, anger, etc. I have been replaying scenes in my head from past situations and remembering all the terrible things she has done to me and my family. Up until a few weeks ago, I was in a good place and I think it was because I had finally made the choice to be DONE with her and I really didn't care what anyone thought about it.

I think as the children of A's we have this built in mechanism, or automated need to defend and explain ourselves. I have finally reached the point in my life where I don't feel like I have to justify my choices to anyone. I feel the way I feel and I am handling it how it is best for me. If someone doesn't like it...well they can sit on the sidelines, too. If I have to pick off all the unhealthy people in my life to keep my own sanity, I am going to do it. Even if that means my "family" seemingly becomes smaller and smaller.

Sometimes it's just time to step away and if that means you are at the point where you don't want your children involved in it anymore...you are ALLOWED to make that choice. You don't need to justify yourself.

As for waiting on the apology...I don't think it's really sincere if you need to ask for it. If/when your family thinks they have something to apologize for, they will and that's when it would matter most.

Sounds like your brother has his own issues to work through and I bet they are closely related to yours. If he is not healthy for YOU then you need to decide what is best for YOU and your children.

EveningRose

The problem is, I have filed for divorce, due to my husband (also an ACOA) lying and cheating, and I may not be able to legally leave the state, in addition to the finances being cut in half now making it harder to leave even my town. Although I do plan to leave when I can. Mostly, my family stays away from me. I think the last contact I had with them was my father's alcoholic calls in January, threatening to show up at my work if I didn't jump through his hoops.

I have had almost no contact with my parents for 3 years, and the last conversation with my brother was 18 months ago, and I do think that life has been much better without them. I no longer have any qualms about just staying away from people who are toxic.

I think my biggest concern is my children, who are upset with the situation and the older ones still want to see their grandparents. I do have to get to that point of being able to tell them these are my choices. In other areas, I've gotten much better about it. Part of what makes it difficult is that there's no backup from my husband, who wants to stay on everyone's good side.



My brother is the typical fourth child described in the family roles chart about alcoholic families. Class clown? Is that the term used? Cheerleader? He's the golden child who can do no wrong and I suspect grew up as my mother's confidante and sympathizer. He is always right, according to my mother, always gets backed up, people who aren't good enough to him are defined as bad by her (whereas people who aren't kind to me, well I'm told I must have done something to deserve it, my brother would NEVER be told that). I admit that while I know in my head none of the children of alcoholics is coming out of this unscathed, I sometimes wonder just how rough a life can it be when you're the child who can do no wrong, who always gets parental approval? But I do have a friend who's quite perceptive who always tells me he looks sad all the time.

doublewhammy

You are in a tough spot. I am sorry to hear it.

It's understandably frustrating to deal with the lack of support from your husband. It's too bad that he will not respect the boundaries that you are trying to set with your family. I hope that when things are settled with your divorce that this will become less of an issue for you.

Just focus on yourself and your children and spending quality time with them. If they catch wind of the new playground, how about a fun day at the park? Have you considered therapy or a support group for yourself or the kids? Maybe it would be beneficial for them during the divorce and the situation with the grandparents. Never know...they could even like it.

For now, I'll just wish for a better tomorrow for you.

dollydo

I sure do understand, as you know, I did not talk to my mother for 10 years, it was the happiest 10 years of my adult life.

For me, I had to learn how to place all things in a specific slot and then assign my priorities. Without my priorities I would really be lost.

You have a good understanding of the family dynamics. This is your trump card.

We are here for you, keep posting it will help.