LawMama

Good morning all,

Forgive me if this post is disorganized or convoluted. It is really early in the morning here. I'm sure this post is something you have heard a million times, but I need to get it out so I hope y'all bear with me. Any advice or support would be much appreciated.

I am an alcoholic in recovery. I have been sober a little over a year, and it has been a struggle, to say the least. However, I have latched on to AA like it is a life raft, and my life has changed for the better through the steps and the fellowship.

Unfortunately, I got into a relationship with another "sober" alcoholic when I was in early sobriety. I didn't meet this guy at a meeting, but on an online dating site, and I thought it was a coincidence and pretty cool that he was also a sober alcoholic. Although dating in early sobriety is discouraged, I did it anyway, of course.

A couple months ago (after being together a year....a long time for me, and my first sober relationship ever) I broke up with him because he had a negative attitude, no ambition to better his life, and was generally difficult to be around. At the time, I thought my feelings were gone but two weeks after I broke up with him he emailed me saying he was drinking and had been drinking the whole time, on and off. For some reason that devastated me because I thought I would know and I totally trusted him. He happened to tell me this the day before my belly-button birthday.

So, since I have terrible boundaries and felt bad and missed him and didn't want to be alone, when he had a week of sobriety I gave him another chance. Not something I should have done, and I beat myself up about it daily. Then of course he lied about drinking and did it again, even though I asked him daily if he was drinking. His sister told me, otherwise I probably would not have known. When he admitted he was drinking, it happened to be my sobriety birthday. The selfishness of this disease baffles me, even though I KNOW I was like this toward other people when I was drinking, and I'm still selfish and self-centered, though to a lesser degree by virtue of the steps. I broke up with him, but I have a terrible time with no contact.

So I am here because my feelings are totally chaotic about this, and I am so angry. I want so badly to try to control him and force him to go to meetings and get a sponsor, and yadda, yadda, yadda, because I know it works since it worked for me. Then I feel guilty because I know I am not his higher power and he is in God's hands, and this is not my problem. I texted him last night and lectured him, which now I feel guilty about.

Any words of support or wisdom are appreciated. Just not quite sure how to deal with my own feelings, and especially to do so without drinking.

Pelican

Welcome to the other side of recovery!

Congrats on your own personal recovery from alcoholism (from one recovering A to another)

I needed help and support to get me through my own personal addiction to alcohol. But I also needed support and wisdom to overcome my need to fix, rescue, control, anticipate, worry and obsess over other peoples behaviors.

I was married to an alcoholic for 14 years. But my need to fix others went back farther than that. I found help and support here, at Alanon meetings and through self-improvement books.

One of the books that helped me define what was my responsibility, and what was my partner's responsibility in life/relationships was Melody Beatties book "Codependent No More".

In the midst of drama and chaos from my A, I was confident I was making the right choices when I would stop enabling and supporting his addiction. Then after the drama subsided, and all the soft feelings return - I struggled with maintaining my boundaries. I would fall back into the magical thinking of "this time will be different". I needed something to keep me focused on my boundaries. This is what I did to remember why I was ending my relationship with my A:
I carried a piece of paper in my wallet that said-

___________'s love comes with:
drunkeness
dishonesty
lying
financial disasters
manipulation
health problems

It reminded me on a daily basis why I was choosing to go NO Contact.

dollydo

I am sure that you understand, there is only one person that you can control...you.

Your BF is not in recovery, never has been.

You are in charge of you, if you don't want to live with an A, then you will have to let go of him, at least for now. If he ever embraces recovery and can be clean for a year or longer then you can consider going back with him. Or, you can accept his drinking and stay with him, it is your choice.

Congrats on your anniv!

LexieCat

Congrats on your year--that's awesome.

You know, one of the standard bits of AA "wisdom" is stick with the winners. That doesn't mean that we don't do 12th Step work with others who are still drinking, but this guy isn't a 12th Step prospect. He isn't interested in quitting drinking right now, evidently.

Get involved in your Home Group, make some firm friendships with women in your group. I was never particularly comfortable hanging out with women (for some reason all my life I've had closer friendships with men), but my sponsor tells me, "The men in AA will pat you on the a$$, but the women in AA will SAVE your a$$." I'm starting to get the point.

I got friendly (in a casual, platonic way) with a couple of men in AA when I was newly sober, and there really was a weird "vibe" in the background. I backed off, remaining pleasant but letting other people give them rides and deep conversation about recovery.

I'd cut this guy loose if I were you. He'll get it if he wants it bad enough, but you don't have to be part of his recovery. Look out for your own.