His bottom was death

Old 07-27-2011, 07:20 PM
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His bottom was death

Hello SR Friends.

I've been a long time lurker on this board and this is my first post.

My XAH died on July 3 from kidney and liver failure. He tried to get medical attention but it was too late. The body is not meant to drink 1+ liter of vodka daily. It was just too much for his body to handle. He was only 51.

XAH and I were married 7 years. He was always a drinker but it was always just fun-at the bowling alley, golfing, football games, etc. However, after his mother died, he could never cope and began to progressively increase the amount of liquor he drank until it got out of hand.

About two years ago I started seeing a counselor and went to a few al-anon meetings. I begged him to get help. I yelled and screamed at him. I begged and pleaded with him to get help. I would buy him books and give them to him. I tried tough love. I called treatment centers for him. Sadly, he never took the matter in his own hands to get treatment.

Eventually I divorced him because I could not watch him drink himself away. He never filed a response to the divorce and when it came time for him to leave our house, he did not even pack his toothbrush. I had to do everything for him. Post divorce, we remained in contact a few times per week. While he was not a mean person at heart, sometimes when he drank he said things that hurt my feelings. Despite this, he always told me he loved me, still called me his wife,and continued to wear his wedding ring.

4 months after our divorce, he called me to tell me he was in the hospital. I rushed to his bedside only to see a weak man whose beautiful blue eyes were now surrounded by yellow. He was so frail. His once strong arms and shoulders had wasted away. He was in kidney and liver failure. Three days later he developed pneumonia and his lungs shut down. Two days later, he was placed on a breathing machine, only to have that withdrawn a day later. He died about 8 hours later.

While very sad, it was a peaceful death. I was laying next to him, stroking his hand and arm, telling him how much I loved him and how thankful I was for the times we had together. It was dark quiet, and calm.

Now I am left to pick up the pieces. His ashes sit on my mantle. I planned his funeral, I am handling his estate. While we were not technically married, I feel very much like a widow. I would have never divorced him had he not made my life unbearable with the drinking.

I feel a tremendous amount of guilt in my heart. Perhaps if I hadn't left, he wouldn't have died so quickly. Maybe if I hadn't pushed him to quit drinking, he would have done it on his own. Why didn't I have an intervention and call everyone he knew to help? In my mind, I know I did the right thing. I hope one day I feel that peace in my heart also. For right now, I miss him so much. I wish I knew his spirit was still alive and that he forgives me for divorcing him.

I'm not sure exactly why I'm posting this. Maybe it's because this is a place I've turned to for the last few years to gain perspective and strength. I know I didn't cause it, I couldn't cure it, and obviously I couldn't control it. It still hurts. A lot. I'm not sure where to go from here. One day at a time I suppose. Thank you for reading.
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Old 07-27-2011, 07:29 PM
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(((flygirl))) - I'm so sorry for your loss. Though most of us go through the guilt period, I'm an RA and I can tell you that nothing anyone said or did would have made a difference. I left my XABF#3 as he continued to smoke crack (my DOC). The few times I had contact with him, I was supportive, told him how recovery had made such a huge difference in my life, but he didn't want to stop. He died at the same age as your XAH.

I hope you continue to reach out here, and have f2f support. There are stages of dealing with death, and we go through them differently, and it really helps to have that support.

Hugs and prayers,

Amy
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Old 07-27-2011, 07:35 PM
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I'm sorry it took another once-loving soul from this earth. You loved him. He knew it. That's the very best a person can ever have in their life. He knew he was loved. Wow.
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Old 07-27-2011, 07:35 PM
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Flygirl11,

I am so sorry to hear about your loss hon. Big (((((hugs)))))) to you during this difficult time. It's okay to feel a little confused with all of the emotions going through you at the moment. We all know that an alcoholic that is not in recovery can only get progressively worse, but it is naturally still a shock when something of this nature happens, and so suddenly at that.

Like you mentioned, take it one step at a time. Be easy on yourself and do the things that make you feel relaxed and happy. It really sounds like you did everything you could for the man you loved, and even truly beyond that. His alcoholism was only ever in his hands though, and it's very sad that it had to end this way.

Keep posting here and reading, it will help to ease the pain. Lots of love to you,

Bruingirl
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Old 07-27-2011, 07:43 PM
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Flygirl... big hugs to you. You know you did your best and you know there was nothing you could do, but your heart needs to hear that and accept it. Addiction is so sad. It robs us of our loved ones. I truly believe your XAH knows how much you cared and I am sure that if he could tell you he would say thank you for being there for him in his final moments. My friend lost her husband after she kicked him out of the house due to his addiction. The two things that have really helped her are counseling and also planting a tree in her late husbands honor. Be kind to yourself... he would never want you to feel any guilt.
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Old 07-27-2011, 07:53 PM
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My heartfelt sympathy to you at this difficult time.
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Old 07-27-2011, 08:31 PM
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I can't even begin to imagine... and my heart hurts for you.

I weep for my AH.
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Old 07-27-2011, 08:40 PM
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Flygirl, I am so sorry. And I hope you continue to go to al-anon, get real-life support and of course continue to read and post here too. The what-ifs.... I hope you realize that there was nothing you could have done to stop him. I have had close friends lose loved ones to suicide and they keep going over everything again and again, and I tell them the same thing... you can't put rational thought around irrational behavior.

I am so sorry for your loss, know that he is finally at peace. Hugs to you.
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Old 07-27-2011, 08:43 PM
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I read your post and know that I will be living it one day in the near future. I already see it in my mind's eye of how it will happen. My best friend said, "Are you sure you can handle the fact that he is going to die?" I said yes..at one point he asked me what will happen to us since our relationship won't make it. I told him, "You will be in the hospital, dying, and tell your children that wherever she is in the world, find her." And he said, "YES"..I pray for the strength you have shown..
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Old 07-28-2011, 12:07 AM
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Flygirl -

I am truly sorry for your loss. I think that although you may have some regrets, you must remember that this terrible disease takes so many despite the care and love of their families. He knows that you love him, that is what is important.

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Old 07-28-2011, 02:42 AM
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My deepest sympathies for the loss of someone you so cared so much about - and whose life story ended far too soon. Yet another soul unable to escape addiction’s powerful and destructive grasp.

And those left behind will forever wonder “what if?” ... haunted by knowing if he had just made different choices, perhaps there could have been a very different outcome.

Just over 4 years ago, I also helplessly watched a once healthy, strong, productive human being’s tragic decline into a sickly, frail, confused shell of what he had once been - as he spiraled rapidly towards his final days ... until his torment finally ended. My husband left behind a damaged family, feeling lost and confused ... and we will forever wonder ... “what if?”

May your loved one finally have the peace that so eluded him in life. May you also find peace in knowing you were powerless to change the tragic and heartbreaking outcome.
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Old 07-28-2011, 03:37 AM
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I am very sorry for you Flygirl, you sound like a wonderful person and a great wife, you did so much for him and you still feel the guilt. Alcohol took his life and if he wasn't willing to help himself, the bottle was going to take his life sooner or later, in fact, in many aspects he was already dead If it weren't for you he probably would have died a lot sooner, you were an angel in his life.
I hope you stay strong and grow from this, remember the good times you had, some people are meant to be in our lives for a short time but the sweet memory of them will last forever. I believe he was a good man at heart but alcohol changed his heart and soul. However, this same alcohol addiction made you a better person in a way, and it has been a painful learning experience for you. I hope you can talk to his friends and family members about this, that will help you.
Please hang in there flygirl, you have been so strong up to this point, and you will make it through this too, just give it time.

<3 Stacy
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Old 07-28-2011, 03:45 AM
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Remember the Alanon c's.....we didn't cause it, can't cure it, can't control it.....I also couldn't watch my XAH kill himself and divorced him. It nearly killed me I was so depressed. I would not be surprized to get that dreaded call. Take care. I am sure you made his passing alot easier.
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Old 07-28-2011, 04:37 AM
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My heart goes out to you in your grief. My EXAH died at the age of 47. Please be gentle with yourself!
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Old 07-28-2011, 05:21 AM
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Flygirl,

I'm so very sorry. My second husband was in the same place (hospital, liver and kidneys shut down, pneumonia, delirium, coma). Somehow he pulled through, but after a few months he went right back to drinking. I couldn't help him and I left. I'm amazed he is still alive.

Love isn't enough to help someone like our husbands. It just isn't. He isn't suffering any longer.

I hope you will be able to work through your grief and loss. This is a horrible disease and it takes far too many good people.

Please stick with Al-Anon and maybe check out some grief counseling. Just remember, there is nothing you could have done to save him.

Hugs,
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Old 07-28-2011, 05:29 AM
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My ex AW committed suicide by alcohol and I know your pain. I'm sorry for your loss, you did all you could.
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Old 07-28-2011, 06:03 AM
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I'm so sorry flygirl.

"Weeping may endure for the night, but Joy comes in the morning" He is at peace now so this is my prayer for you.
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Old 07-28-2011, 06:12 AM
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So sorry for your loss flygirl.

As has been said elsewhere this disease just takes and takes and takes.

There is only so much we can do for our addicted loved ones.

My thoughts are with you at this very tough time.

I do hope you keep posting here.
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Old 07-28-2011, 06:25 AM
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Thank you for posting your story, especially at this time of sorrow.

I am still with my AH. I fear his story will end the same way, unless his horrible cough from smoking gets him first. He won't quit either, won't seek help, won't visit a doctor.

I can't do much, other than put healthy meals in front of him, which he hardly eats. It is hard to see someone go through this and realize you can't do anything.

It sounds like you eased your husband's passing and he left knowing love.

My heart goes out to. Take care of yourself.
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Old 07-29-2011, 07:56 AM
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I am so sorry...I have a gut feeling, I will be writing the same kind of post as yours someday..

My heart aches for you!!! It really does....
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