Distracting Myself from Intimacy
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Join Date: Mar 2009
Posts: 741
Distracting Myself from Intimacy
So, after months and months of my XAH having to watch our kids at my place while I work nights - he got his electricity turned back on and now we are back to "normal". Which means the kids go to his place while I am here by myself, trying to calm down enough to nap before work.
I was crying when the kids left with him. I loved being able to check on them before I went to work - to see them sleeping, or reading or just hanging out. And they have only been gone about 30 minutes and I am missing them terribly.
But the funny thing is - when I have them all day, I am always distracting myself from really interacting with them by reading, eating, running errands, getting online, etc. I very rarely have the patience to play a game with them, or tickle, or tell jokes, etc. I always find a way of distracting myself.
I am in a very shaky spot right now. I am afraid that they will look back on their childhood and see me as nothing more than a taskmaster, a poor excuse for a mom who was more interested in a book written by someone dead for 100 years than the kids that were right before my eyes.
I have always avoided intimacy of all kids. I don't want to do this anymore. I want to have real, meaningful time with them while they are still young.
Please help me. I feel rotten.
I was crying when the kids left with him. I loved being able to check on them before I went to work - to see them sleeping, or reading or just hanging out. And they have only been gone about 30 minutes and I am missing them terribly.
But the funny thing is - when I have them all day, I am always distracting myself from really interacting with them by reading, eating, running errands, getting online, etc. I very rarely have the patience to play a game with them, or tickle, or tell jokes, etc. I always find a way of distracting myself.
I am in a very shaky spot right now. I am afraid that they will look back on their childhood and see me as nothing more than a taskmaster, a poor excuse for a mom who was more interested in a book written by someone dead for 100 years than the kids that were right before my eyes.
I have always avoided intimacy of all kids. I don't want to do this anymore. I want to have real, meaningful time with them while they are still young.
Please help me. I feel rotten.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2011
Posts: 588
Please be gentler with yourself. Rare is the parent that did not want to do more, be more for their children. And children are amazingly resilient!
So what do you like to do? Can it be modified to include the kids?
Do the errands with them, it takes longer but they just want to be with you.
Eat with them, and turn off the TV.
Read a story to them. There are wonderful chapter books for kids with wonderful adventures that are suitable for almost every age.
Or make your own books with them online.
Play an online game.
What do you remember from your childhood?
Once you get going, you'll find them easy to be with.
My kids are older now and I am astounded at their memories. The big, expensive things didn't really resonate and if they did, it was usually the food they remember (see- I didn't have to go on all those stupid rides)! The things they recall are usually a pretty normal event, with a twist.
My mother had a spotless house, but it was joyless. Sure, I could have vacuumed more, but I wanted good memories for my kids.
Hope this doesn't come off preachy.
So what do you like to do? Can it be modified to include the kids?
Do the errands with them, it takes longer but they just want to be with you.
Eat with them, and turn off the TV.
Read a story to them. There are wonderful chapter books for kids with wonderful adventures that are suitable for almost every age.
Or make your own books with them online.
Play an online game.
What do you remember from your childhood?
Once you get going, you'll find them easy to be with.
My kids are older now and I am astounded at their memories. The big, expensive things didn't really resonate and if they did, it was usually the food they remember (see- I didn't have to go on all those stupid rides)! The things they recall are usually a pretty normal event, with a twist.
My mother had a spotless house, but it was joyless. Sure, I could have vacuumed more, but I wanted good memories for my kids.
Hope this doesn't come off preachy.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2011
Posts: 2,163
Oh purple Squirrel, you are their mom. Which translates to: You are their doctor, lawyer, chef, laundress, maid, stylist, chauffeur ,teacher, tutor, mentor, coach, minister, cheerleader, counselor, friend, advocate, promoter,........... And we only get 18 years to get it right. No wonder as parents we get overwhelmed.
We are so busy going through the motions of meeting their everyday needs, we often forget to stop and enjoy the gift of today.
The days may be long, but the years are short.
My adult children tell me that some of their favorite memories as kids were: the little notes I put in their lunches. The times that I would let them sleep in my bed, and we would talk and cuddle. The "trying a new recipe" dinner flop, and how we would all sit around the table and rename it "Chicken Yuck" is now a holiday staple. They remember all wearing pink socks to school, because one of them left a red crayon their pants. It wasn't christmas till someone knocked the tree over, or the dog peed on it. They loved when I told them stories about when I was a little girl.
None of this is any of the things that I thought to be memorable. But they do, and that is all that matters. It truly is the little things they remember. Hugs to you ............
We are so busy going through the motions of meeting their everyday needs, we often forget to stop and enjoy the gift of today.
The days may be long, but the years are short.
My adult children tell me that some of their favorite memories as kids were: the little notes I put in their lunches. The times that I would let them sleep in my bed, and we would talk and cuddle. The "trying a new recipe" dinner flop, and how we would all sit around the table and rename it "Chicken Yuck" is now a holiday staple. They remember all wearing pink socks to school, because one of them left a red crayon their pants. It wasn't christmas till someone knocked the tree over, or the dog peed on it. They loved when I told them stories about when I was a little girl.
None of this is any of the things that I thought to be memorable. But they do, and that is all that matters. It truly is the little things they remember. Hugs to you ............
Skipper
Join Date: Sep 2010
Location: South Texas, USA
Posts: 827
One of the things I do to multi-task into relaxation time for me and use a Teachable Moment for my son, is every single night before bedtime, we have Reading Time for one hour. If he finds a funny spot in a book, he'll laugh and point to it for me. But most of the time we're just cuddled up in my bed reading each of our separate books.
I know you're working during their bed time, but you might find another point in the day you can do this with them, and still get your own reading done.
I found it encourages my son to read and love it.
I know exactly how you feel. There's physical exhaustion that accompanies some of the trauma we've experienced in our recent lives, and sometimes simple tasks and enjoying the moment becomes a challenge. It is for me, too, and this is one area on which I am working diligently to change for the better. My intentions are to be there, present in the moment, with my son. I may hit the mark some of the time, but I also feel I could do better.
I think one of the things you and I did right was make sure we created a peaceful home environment vs. what we lived before. Step by step we'll be able to teach our children what we intended all along.
I know you're working during their bed time, but you might find another point in the day you can do this with them, and still get your own reading done.
I found it encourages my son to read and love it.
I know exactly how you feel. There's physical exhaustion that accompanies some of the trauma we've experienced in our recent lives, and sometimes simple tasks and enjoying the moment becomes a challenge. It is for me, too, and this is one area on which I am working diligently to change for the better. My intentions are to be there, present in the moment, with my son. I may hit the mark some of the time, but I also feel I could do better.
I think one of the things you and I did right was make sure we created a peaceful home environment vs. what we lived before. Step by step we'll be able to teach our children what we intended all along.
Curled up in a good book...
Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: UK
Posts: 1,542
I don't have kids but I do have depression and I recognise the beating yourself up over real or imagined things you've done. Are you sure you're remembering your interactions with your kids right just now? You're upset and, if you're anything like me, you will pick on the easiest target to beat up - yourself. I know I can find the littlest negative thing and magnify it a thousand fold into something recognisable. I might be totally off target here but I can only speak from my own experience. Your posts don't make you sound distant and uncaring and if you sound that way on an anonymous forum I can't beleive you'd be radically different in 'real life'!
A work in progress
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: South Jersey
Posts: 16,633
Yup, even though my kids lived mostly with their dad and I felt like a neglectful mom (and in many ways I was), they have many happy memories of times we spent together (whew!). You don't have to be Parent magazine's mom of the year to be the best mom in the whole world to your kids.
Hugs,
Hugs,
Member
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: Tennessee
Posts: 255
Parenting is the most difficult thing I've ever done. My daughter is 19, and I sometimes look back with regret at all the ways I failed as a parent. I'm sure that's true with most of us, so don't be too hard on yourself. Raising children is an imperfect science.
My parents divorced when I was 13, and that obviously skews the dynamics in a family. I adapted pretty well, though I didn't like either of my step parents. The only advice I can give in that arena is try to avoid involving the kids in any disagreement between you and your ex.
Just love them, and do the best you can. It won't be perfect, but maybe you can build some good memories together as you go along.
Oh....and take lots of pictures.
My parents divorced when I was 13, and that obviously skews the dynamics in a family. I adapted pretty well, though I didn't like either of my step parents. The only advice I can give in that arena is try to avoid involving the kids in any disagreement between you and your ex.
Just love them, and do the best you can. It won't be perfect, but maybe you can build some good memories together as you go along.
Oh....and take lots of pictures.
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