steve1840

i have not posted for a while, but have read other threads from time to time. What i read today was rather relevant to my continuing saga. As you know, my ALO is living about 7 hours away. Things were going really well. i could hear the change in her voice, i could see the change in her appearance, and i could feel the change in her personality. she was excited about her therapy and never missed a day. she rebuked the offer from another young woman in the clinic to hang out.

during this time, i tried to detach some and enjoy my space again. i noticed cravings for things started. i guess i was looking to fill something. i have continued with therapy when i can afford it, which is for the most part, but i have had to skip around with it. i go back this week fortunately.

she excitedly texted me 17 days clean! 20 days clean! i was cautiously optimistic, but less cautious than her mom.

just after the 30 day mark, things began to stir and it was discovered that she used. her rationalization is that she shot up coke, not coke and heroin. even if that is true, it doesn't matter using is using.

Mind you, i have not yet been able to end the idea of being with her in the future. this whole thing was about her going away to get better, me getting better, and us seeing what happens in like a year. having plans for a possible future keeps me with a vested interest in what is going on, and i have become friends of sorts with her roommate who has been keeping me posted on things. in the meantime i've been helping him out dealing with this.

well, its gotten to how it was when she was staying with me. now i am seeing it from the outside so to speak. first she started some sporadic use, then there was missing money, 3 hour trips to the store, new friends who use and deal, tricking? all the same stuff.

i am taking care of myself through this and learning to let go. before it was about helping her. but she was given a great chance. place to stay, food, clothes, clinic, car, her own phone etc. this time i have to make this about me, and so far so good, i am succeeding. i am looking forward to my session tomorrow.

sorry for the length and detail.

steve1840

thanks!

i realize i have a looong way to go. i am not totally out, and seeing how quickly things changed back for her, i have to make sure i dont do the same. i hope she can turn it around though, i really hope that. the distance has been the best thing for me, but i still have strong feelings.

i read some threads today about people loving their addicted husbands and wives and it is so sad that this exists. one thing i will say is that from all i have witnessed, experienced, and read, i wonder how many people could be treated if they were on bi-polar type meds? while she was going to therapy, they diagnosed that. the meds are 130 a month, but shes trying to find assistance. anyway, i wonder and hope that would make a difference.

MsPINKAcres

((Steve))

Hi - just wanted you to know I said a pray for your friend - for her path to be guided to a place of hope, recovery and healing
and a prayer for YOU my friend
for peace, acceptance, love, guidance, healing, hope and laughter ~ because YOU truly deserve it!

PINK HUGS,
Rita

Impurrfect

(((Steve))) - glad to hear you are working on YOU and not as enmeshed in what she's doing. FWIW, a lot of people are diagnosed with bi-polar while they're still in addiction or early recovery, but most dr's say it takes a year of recovery to really diagnose it...addiction can mimic bipolar.

Keep up the working on you, she'll decide what she wants and either way, she'll do her best to do what she really wants. I will continue to pray that both of you find the recovery you deserve.

Hugs and prayers,

Amy

steve1840

well, from talking to my new friend/her roommate, all the same crazy-making has returned. its almost, the same story but a different scene. all kinds of activity on her phone, probably to score. the friend is most upset about the sneakiness and may be putting her out tonight. i've been going along acting normal. (btw, i had therapy yesterday, and it was good). we were talking regularly fora bit when she seemed to be doing good. she was always reliable and quick to reply to texts. thats changed. i'm sure she's been doing the sidebar and not answering texts, normally thats fine. i do it too, but theres something going on. anyway, he may be putting her out tonight. i am thinking of shutting the phone. she'll start with having no where to go, if i love her blah blah blah. and the part thatwill probably make it so that we stop talking altogether is that i will be believing the roommate and not her.

the quiet before the storm

smacked

It'll stay quiet if you don't pick up your phone, texts, or answer your door anymore.

steve1840

it's amazing how i have started to feel like myself again. i dont want to read old posts because i just cant believe that i sounded like that. but i understand why. i wasnt expecting a miracle, but i was really hoping it wouldn't have happened so quickly. my lawyer skills tell me this is all hearsay and circumstantial, but it is exactly the same as i lived with. wow.

the good thing is that my record collection has grown again! AND i can afford to buy some others i have been wanting. somehow i seem to have the $200 for my next purchase.

WiltedLily

Best wishes your way!!

kiki5711

Hi Steve,

There's nothing to match the feeling of oblivion through drugs. Not love, not money, not fame, nothing.

Look at Amy Winehouse. Everything to live for, with talent, money, friends and yet, that fix...that feeling of "nothingness" that feeling of NO feeling, that feeling of No pain, is stronger.

Addiction is 90% mental. Perception of what happiness is. Perception of priorities. Perception if the person even wants to see it any different. Because while "high" you're not here and you don't have to deal with it. Not in your mind anyway.