How to Help and Support the Abused Woman
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How to Help and Support the Abused Woman
It was mentioned that it might help to have some ideas of how to help and support a woman (or a man...sorry for the assumptions and use of pronouns) that is being abused. It's incredibly difficult to watch someone you care about being abused but there are things that you can say or do that either support her or actually help to send her right back into the arms of the abuser. If she has left, it's hard to understand how she might miss him - but she likely does. She doesn't miss the abuse but she misses parts of him. It's hard to know what to say but these are some of the things that made a huge difference for me...... My process took a long time for me to finally leave (almost 5 years). I honestly have come to believe that for every woman that leaves an abuser that 99 stay. The most important thing for her to understand is that it is not right for her to have to live that way and that she doesn't have to live that way. I'm sure that there are many other things to add to this....so if you are in an abusive situation or have left one - please add to the list.....
Reassure her that there is a way out
Recognize and tell her that she knows her situation best (as much as it seems like she doesn’t) but you just want her to be safe
Reassure her that you know that she will make the best choices for herself
Give her phone numbers/counselors names at the domestic violence center
Recommend that she read all of the Patricia Evans books on verbal/emotional abuse
Understand that she is overwhelmed and feels paralyzed
Understand how desperately she wants her family to survive intact
That like an addict that relapses most abused women have to leave several times before they leave for the final time
Don’t give up on her because then the only person that she has to rely on is the abuser
When she is judged, told what to do, criticized it sends her straight back into the arms of her abuser
Don’t tell her what a jerk her abuser is, focus on how people should not be treated abusively
Remind her that exposing children to abuse means that you are teaching them to be abusers or to be abused.
Encourage her to develop a plan to leave
Tell her to see an attorney for a consultation to learn her rights. This may cost around $400.00. Help her pay this/loan her money/whatever.Knowledge is power. She is afraid of the boogey man. She has been told by her abuser that he will destroy her, take the kids, the house, etc. It is all smoke and mirrors but she needs to hear it from a lawyer.
Find out the laws in your state. In N.C. a woman in an abusive situation can leave her home without penalty/being perceived as legally abandoning her home.
An abused woman believes that she has no rights and that there is no way out – or a complicated way out. If she talks to an attorney she will know the real deal. If she doesn’t want to talk to an attorney or doesn’t have the money, the Domestic Violence hotline can get her to the right place to get information
Realize that no matter how smart and capable she is that the relationship with an abuser is CRAZY. It gets her into a trance and doesn’t make any sense to you or to her. It’s difficult to understand how she can’t see what is happening. Don’t put her down for not recognizing it.
Don’t tell her that she doesn’t seem like the type that would be in an abusive relationship. She already feels horrible shame.
Don’t tell her that you would never let anyone treat you that way and that you’d be out the door the first time that it happened. Focus on how NO ONE should be treated abusively and how important it is to take care of yourself.
If she is in the “honeymoon stage” (occurs after an episode and the abuser is making nicey nice) it will be difficult for her to make a move. Encourage her to hope for the best but to have a plan in case it happens again. This is a great time to do this because it will happen again and the next time she will know what to do. Where is she going to do, how is she going to finance it, what are her resources, what are her bottom line behaviors?
She is likely to be keeping secrets about how bad it is….once she begins to talk about it she’s ready to get help. Even baby steps are progress.
Don’t give up on her.
Don’t help her figure out how to stay with him. If she doesn’t want help leaving at least don’t help her to stay. Don’t reassure her that it sounds like he’s doing better or make explanations/excuses for him.
Tell her if you see a pattern and let her know that you will help her if she wants to do anything about it.
Tell her that you know how hard it is and how much she wants to make it work.
Let her know that she can call you/come to your home anytime of the day or night if she feels unsafe
Ask her if she is scared and feels like she is in danger. She’ only as sick as her secrets
If there is a pattern, tell her that listening to her detail the abuse makes you feel like your are contributing to it but that you do want to help her figure out a solution to her problem. It's important to get into the solution and not stay in the problem.
Reassure her that there is a way out
Recognize and tell her that she knows her situation best (as much as it seems like she doesn’t) but you just want her to be safe
Reassure her that you know that she will make the best choices for herself
Give her phone numbers/counselors names at the domestic violence center
Recommend that she read all of the Patricia Evans books on verbal/emotional abuse
Understand that she is overwhelmed and feels paralyzed
Understand how desperately she wants her family to survive intact
That like an addict that relapses most abused women have to leave several times before they leave for the final time
Don’t give up on her because then the only person that she has to rely on is the abuser
When she is judged, told what to do, criticized it sends her straight back into the arms of her abuser
Don’t tell her what a jerk her abuser is, focus on how people should not be treated abusively
Remind her that exposing children to abuse means that you are teaching them to be abusers or to be abused.
Encourage her to develop a plan to leave
Tell her to see an attorney for a consultation to learn her rights. This may cost around $400.00. Help her pay this/loan her money/whatever.Knowledge is power. She is afraid of the boogey man. She has been told by her abuser that he will destroy her, take the kids, the house, etc. It is all smoke and mirrors but she needs to hear it from a lawyer.
Find out the laws in your state. In N.C. a woman in an abusive situation can leave her home without penalty/being perceived as legally abandoning her home.
An abused woman believes that she has no rights and that there is no way out – or a complicated way out. If she talks to an attorney she will know the real deal. If she doesn’t want to talk to an attorney or doesn’t have the money, the Domestic Violence hotline can get her to the right place to get information
Realize that no matter how smart and capable she is that the relationship with an abuser is CRAZY. It gets her into a trance and doesn’t make any sense to you or to her. It’s difficult to understand how she can’t see what is happening. Don’t put her down for not recognizing it.
Don’t tell her that she doesn’t seem like the type that would be in an abusive relationship. She already feels horrible shame.
Don’t tell her that you would never let anyone treat you that way and that you’d be out the door the first time that it happened. Focus on how NO ONE should be treated abusively and how important it is to take care of yourself.
If she is in the “honeymoon stage” (occurs after an episode and the abuser is making nicey nice) it will be difficult for her to make a move. Encourage her to hope for the best but to have a plan in case it happens again. This is a great time to do this because it will happen again and the next time she will know what to do. Where is she going to do, how is she going to finance it, what are her resources, what are her bottom line behaviors?
She is likely to be keeping secrets about how bad it is….once she begins to talk about it she’s ready to get help. Even baby steps are progress.
Don’t give up on her.
Don’t help her figure out how to stay with him. If she doesn’t want help leaving at least don’t help her to stay. Don’t reassure her that it sounds like he’s doing better or make explanations/excuses for him.
Tell her if you see a pattern and let her know that you will help her if she wants to do anything about it.
Tell her that you know how hard it is and how much she wants to make it work.
Let her know that she can call you/come to your home anytime of the day or night if she feels unsafe
Ask her if she is scared and feels like she is in danger. She’ only as sick as her secrets
If there is a pattern, tell her that listening to her detail the abuse makes you feel like your are contributing to it but that you do want to help her figure out a solution to her problem. It's important to get into the solution and not stay in the problem.
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Join Date: Nov 2007
Posts: 1,294
Thank you for this thread.
I think it's always much better to educate ourselves about the REALITY than think we know best on CONCEPT.
I for one can use some help on WHAT ACTUALLY HELPED a woman start to move away from an abusive situation, and this is going to be a useful thread to educate me from those with experience.
In particular the following stuck out to me:
It's a subtle distinction, but the former piles shame on the person, whereas the latter supports to empower. I think I'll go ponder this concept.
CLMI
I think it's always much better to educate ourselves about the REALITY than think we know best on CONCEPT.
I for one can use some help on WHAT ACTUALLY HELPED a woman start to move away from an abusive situation, and this is going to be a useful thread to educate me from those with experience.
In particular the following stuck out to me:
Originally Posted by lightseeker 
Don’t tell her that you would never let anyone treat you that way and that you’d be out the door the first time that it happened. Focus on how NO ONE should be treated abusively and how important it is to take care of yourself.
CLMI
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Join Date: Mar 2006
Location: a better place
Posts: 4,047
Thanks Donna!
I always thought this guidance was extremely helpful. It seems so easy to be triggered, especially if children are in the house, and yet comments that criticize and judge a woman in an abusive situation do really accomplish exactly what the abuser wants.
How To Support An Abused Woman
From the book: Why Does He Do That? Inside the Minds of Angry and Controlling Men by Lundy Bancroft
If you would like to make a significant difference in the life of an abused woman you care about, keep the following principle fresh in your mind: Your goal is to be the complete opposite of what the abuser is.
THE ABUSER: Pressures her severely
SO YOU SHOULD: Be patient. Remember that it takes time for an abused woman to sort out her confusion and figure out how to handle her situation. It is not helpful for her to try to follow your timetable for when she should stand up to her partner, leave him, call the police, or whatever step you want her to take. You need to respect her judgment regarding when she is ready to take action -- something the abuser never does.
THE ABUSER: Talks down to her
SO YOU SHOULD: Address her as an equal. Avoid all traces of condescension or superior knowledge in your voice. This caution applies just as much or more to professionals. If you speak to an abused woman as if you are smarter or wiser than she is, or as if she is going through something that could never happen to you, then you inadvertently confirm exactly what the abuser has been telling her, which is that she is beneath him. Remember, your actions speak louder than your words.
THE ABUSER: Thinks he knows what is good for her better than she does
SO YOU SHOULD: Treat her as the expert on her own life. Don’t assume that you know what she needs to do. I have sometimes given abused women suggestions that I thought were exactly right but turned out to be terrible for that particular situation. Ask her what she thinks might work and, without pressuring her, offer suggestions, respecting her explanations for why certain courses of action would not be helpful. Don’t tell her what to do.
THE ABUSER: Dominates conversations
SO YOU SHOULD: Listen more and talk less. The temptation may be great to convince her what a “jerk” he is, to analyze his motives, to give speeches covering entire chapters of this book. But talking too much inadvertently communicates to her that your thoughts are more important than hers, which is exactly how the abuser treats here. If you want her to value her own feelings and opinions, then you have to show her that you value them.
THE ABUSER: Believes he has the right to control her life
SO YOU SHOULD: Respect her right to self-determination. She is entitled to make decisions that are not exactly what you would choose, including the decision to stay with her abusive partner or to return to him after a separation. You can’t convince a woman that her life belongs to her if you are simultaneously acting like it belongs to you. Stay by her even when she makes choices that you don’t like.
THE ABUSER: Assumes he understands her children and their needs better than she does
SO YOU SHOULD: Assume that she is a competent, caring mother. Remember that there is no simple way to determine what is best for the children of an abused woman. Even if she leaves the abuser, the children’s problems are not necessarily over, and sometimes abusers actually create worse difficulties for the children post separation than before. You cannot help her to find the best path for her children unless you have a realistic grasp of the complicated set of choices that face her.
THE ABUSER: Thinks for her
SO YOU SHOULD: Think with her. Don’t assume the role of teacher or rescuer. Instead, join forces with her as a respectful and equal team member.
Notice that being the opposite of the abuser does not simply mean saying the opposite of what he says. If he beseeches her with, “Don’t leave me, don’t leave me,” and you stand on the other side badgering her with, “Leave him, leave him,” she will feel that you’re much like him; you are both pressuring her to accept your judgment of what she should do. Neither of you is asking the empowering question, “What do you want to do?”
I always thought this guidance was extremely helpful. It seems so easy to be triggered, especially if children are in the house, and yet comments that criticize and judge a woman in an abusive situation do really accomplish exactly what the abuser wants.
How To Support An Abused Woman
From the book: Why Does He Do That? Inside the Minds of Angry and Controlling Men by Lundy Bancroft
If you would like to make a significant difference in the life of an abused woman you care about, keep the following principle fresh in your mind: Your goal is to be the complete opposite of what the abuser is.
THE ABUSER: Pressures her severely
SO YOU SHOULD: Be patient. Remember that it takes time for an abused woman to sort out her confusion and figure out how to handle her situation. It is not helpful for her to try to follow your timetable for when she should stand up to her partner, leave him, call the police, or whatever step you want her to take. You need to respect her judgment regarding when she is ready to take action -- something the abuser never does.
THE ABUSER: Talks down to her
SO YOU SHOULD: Address her as an equal. Avoid all traces of condescension or superior knowledge in your voice. This caution applies just as much or more to professionals. If you speak to an abused woman as if you are smarter or wiser than she is, or as if she is going through something that could never happen to you, then you inadvertently confirm exactly what the abuser has been telling her, which is that she is beneath him. Remember, your actions speak louder than your words.
THE ABUSER: Thinks he knows what is good for her better than she does
SO YOU SHOULD: Treat her as the expert on her own life. Don’t assume that you know what she needs to do. I have sometimes given abused women suggestions that I thought were exactly right but turned out to be terrible for that particular situation. Ask her what she thinks might work and, without pressuring her, offer suggestions, respecting her explanations for why certain courses of action would not be helpful. Don’t tell her what to do.
THE ABUSER: Dominates conversations
SO YOU SHOULD: Listen more and talk less. The temptation may be great to convince her what a “jerk” he is, to analyze his motives, to give speeches covering entire chapters of this book. But talking too much inadvertently communicates to her that your thoughts are more important than hers, which is exactly how the abuser treats here. If you want her to value her own feelings and opinions, then you have to show her that you value them.
THE ABUSER: Believes he has the right to control her life
SO YOU SHOULD: Respect her right to self-determination. She is entitled to make decisions that are not exactly what you would choose, including the decision to stay with her abusive partner or to return to him after a separation. You can’t convince a woman that her life belongs to her if you are simultaneously acting like it belongs to you. Stay by her even when she makes choices that you don’t like.
THE ABUSER: Assumes he understands her children and their needs better than she does
SO YOU SHOULD: Assume that she is a competent, caring mother. Remember that there is no simple way to determine what is best for the children of an abused woman. Even if she leaves the abuser, the children’s problems are not necessarily over, and sometimes abusers actually create worse difficulties for the children post separation than before. You cannot help her to find the best path for her children unless you have a realistic grasp of the complicated set of choices that face her.
THE ABUSER: Thinks for her
SO YOU SHOULD: Think with her. Don’t assume the role of teacher or rescuer. Instead, join forces with her as a respectful and equal team member.
Notice that being the opposite of the abuser does not simply mean saying the opposite of what he says. If he beseeches her with, “Don’t leave me, don’t leave me,” and you stand on the other side badgering her with, “Leave him, leave him,” she will feel that you’re much like him; you are both pressuring her to accept your judgment of what she should do. Neither of you is asking the empowering question, “What do you want to do?”
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Join Date: May 2005
Posts: 1,691
Greet!
WOW......does that ever sum up exactly what I was trying to say. I realize that it is all counter intuitive to what someone on the outside thinks/wants to say. The first time that I left my husband it was all of the well meaning comments that friends and family made that opened me back up to my abuser. I felt such shame and failure that I turned to the one person that I wasn't hearing that message from (at that moment).....my husband. Each time you go back the abuse gets worse because the abuser believes that he can win and you will stay.
I think that educating people on what abuse is and how to recognize it in its early forms is imperative. It' a whole lot easier to leave early on than later. But.... if someone doesn't leave early on it's important to know how to support our loved ones that are in these situations.
Thank you so much for adding to this. I don't think that people understand how much comments and support mean to the person that is trying to untangle themselves from an abusive situation. It is worse to be in than anyone can ever imagine....and it is harder to get out of than anyone can imagine. I am serious when I say that having SR to come to and share how I felt my spirit dying and hear the support and encouragement that I did actually saved my life.
Unfortunately, amid all the issues with loving someone with an addiction abuse can be a big part of it as well.
Thanks! Donna
WOW......does that ever sum up exactly what I was trying to say. I realize that it is all counter intuitive to what someone on the outside thinks/wants to say. The first time that I left my husband it was all of the well meaning comments that friends and family made that opened me back up to my abuser. I felt such shame and failure that I turned to the one person that I wasn't hearing that message from (at that moment).....my husband. Each time you go back the abuse gets worse because the abuser believes that he can win and you will stay.
I think that educating people on what abuse is and how to recognize it in its early forms is imperative. It' a whole lot easier to leave early on than later. But.... if someone doesn't leave early on it's important to know how to support our loved ones that are in these situations.
Thank you so much for adding to this. I don't think that people understand how much comments and support mean to the person that is trying to untangle themselves from an abusive situation. It is worse to be in than anyone can ever imagine....and it is harder to get out of than anyone can imagine. I am serious when I say that having SR to come to and share how I felt my spirit dying and hear the support and encouragement that I did actually saved my life.
Unfortunately, amid all the issues with loving someone with an addiction abuse can be a big part of it as well.
Thanks! Donna
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Join Date: Nov 2007
Posts: 1,294
Originally Posted by lightseeker
Greet!
...it is all counter intuitive to what someone on the outside thinks/wants to say.
...it is all counter intuitive to what someone on the outside thinks/wants to say.
I think this material should definitely be a sticky, and I hope others will chime in and request it so, as it takes several requests before material is considered for "stickyworthiness."
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Join Date: May 2011
Location: Florida
Posts: 45
Great work, I cannot come up with anything to add. Its there biggest harms for me when I felt judged for returning, noone understands how great the honeymoon phase is and how alone you feel,. That you feel like the crazy one. So above all listen, even if their rational doesnt seem so rational.
Hardest part for me is I felt shame, worse when I fought back and that was used against me. I was so scared Id go to jail and he have my kids. The jerk brought up in court, why is it ok for her to slap me. Judge wouldnt let me speak, he said its not, if you feel threatened file your own injunction, then we'll address, today its her turn. Later a judge told me its common to begin to fight back and Ah was lucky I didnt snap so bad I killed him (actually it was his saying that, which convinced them I was abused more than I let on, more than I likely knew), so id say its important to the abused person to know that no matter how they react, theres no shame, just more reason to get help.
Another thing that helped was when 2 friends told me, honey all couples fight, we and ____ have had some huge ones, but in all these years, he never touched me, pushed me, blocked the door or busted a door frame. I remember walking in the house crying, knowing for the first time, things were extreme and not normal
Hardest part for me is I felt shame, worse when I fought back and that was used against me. I was so scared Id go to jail and he have my kids. The jerk brought up in court, why is it ok for her to slap me. Judge wouldnt let me speak, he said its not, if you feel threatened file your own injunction, then we'll address, today its her turn. Later a judge told me its common to begin to fight back and Ah was lucky I didnt snap so bad I killed him (actually it was his saying that, which convinced them I was abused more than I let on, more than I likely knew), so id say its important to the abused person to know that no matter how they react, theres no shame, just more reason to get help.
Another thing that helped was when 2 friends told me, honey all couples fight, we and ____ have had some huge ones, but in all these years, he never touched me, pushed me, blocked the door or busted a door frame. I remember walking in the house crying, knowing for the first time, things were extreme and not normal
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Join Date: Sep 2014
Posts: 17
The Patricia Evans books have been extremely helpful. My husband is verbally and emotionally abusive. Before reading her books I never realized the devastating effects of these forms of abuse. One of my husband's friends had the nerve to say, "well you didn't hit her, right?". There is a long road of healing ahead.
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Join Date: May 2005
Posts: 1,691
It’s now been 12 years since I wrote this post. And I am continually grateful for this site and the recovery journey that it helped me to progress on. I took 12 years “off” of relationships to work on my relationship with me and it’s been very worth it. At times it was lonely but once I found a deep friendship within (myself) the world became very different. I no longer stay in touch with my ex - but, understand he is still up to his same things/actions. I’m just grateful to have moved on and recovered (mostly) from the abuse that I endured with him. There is life on the other side. I’m involved now with a kind and loving man. He has compassion for what I went through but does not pity me (I absolutely do NOT want anyone’s pity!). I had to learn to forgive myself for becoming involved with someone like my ex - and the compassion I learned to give myself allowed me to be open to the same from others. I finally came to understand that my ex was “sicker” than I was smart and that really helped me to quit beating myself up so badly for getting involved with him. It is hard to break away - but each step you take is leading you to a better life where you can enjoy the emotional sobriety that you are entitled to!
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2005
Posts: 1,691
It’s now been 12 years since I wrote this post. And I am continually grateful for this site and the recovery journey that it helped me to progress on. I took 12 years “off” of relationships to work on my relationship with me and it’s been very worth it. At times it was lonely but once I found a deep friendship within (myself) the world became very different. I no longer stay in touch with my ex - but, understand he is still up to his same things/actions. I’m just grateful to have moved on and recovered (mostly) from the abuse that I endured with him. There is life on the other side. I’m involved now with a kind and loving man. He has compassion for what I went through but does not pity me (I absolutely do NOT want anyone’s pity!). I had to learn to forgive myself for becoming involved with someone like my ex - and the compassion I learned to give myself allowed me to be open to the same from others. I finally came to understand that my ex was “sicker” than I was smart and that really helped me to quit beating myself up so badly for getting involved with him. It is hard to break away - but each step you take is leading you to a better life where you can enjoy the emotional sobriety that you are entitled to!
Last edited by lightseeker; 06-25-2023 at 07:32 AM. Reason: Duplicate post
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