Pigtails

Does anyone think it's possible to think I'm an alcoholic when really I just suffer from depression/anxiety? Or maybe it's both. But sometimes I feel like I'm directing my energy at alcohol issues when really it's just general depression. I'm sure alcohol can't help that, and it's an additional reason to not drink, but then I'm left with the same feelings and no adequate means of escape (drinking to numb my feelings and change who I am/ spending mindless time in bars with friends). It's like the alcohol temporarily takes me away from my brain (depression/anxiety), but in the long run, it makes things worse. But instead of focusing on alcoholism, or maybe instead of focusing on just alcoholism/recovery from alcoholism, I should also focus on how to cure these feelings of anxiety.


Right now I'm feeling that I have more emotional issues than I realize and that alcohol just made them worse... by masking them and then increasing them without me even realizing it because I was too busy drinking. I need to stay away from alcohol so I can focus on dealing with the negative feelings I get, in a more positive way. That is definitely my number one priority but it just all feels so overwhelming. It feels like I need to change who I am, or become comfortable with who I am, and for some reason I find this very difficult. I feel like things are out of my control no matter whether I drink or not. My mom suffers from very bad depression and I feel like I must have that too, or else why does it feel so hard? I feel such extremes... sometimes I feel so inspired and happy and confident, and other times I feel like everything's so hopeless. Not drinking seems to amplify all the feelings and make them even more extreme (except that I don't have the remorseful depressions of the day-after hangovers, when I don't drink). I would say in general the down feelings outweigh (in frequency, but not really in intensity) the up feelings, and I don't know how to change that.

PaperDolls

In my experience .... I struggled with both alcoholism and depression. I spent years trying to address the depression with meds and therapy while I kept drinking. It was a no win situation.

For me, I had to clear my mind and body of the alcohol and then address the depression. I found I was much less depressed and anxious than when I was drinking. I am still on meds and am doing wonderful.

I would suggest talking to your doctor about it.

doggonecarl

Pigtails, no one here can diagnose you for alcoholism or for depression. However, the two are not mutually exclusive.

It is insightful on your part to see they are related and that the depression needs to be dealt with in order for your recovery to really work. Perhaps you should proceed as if both are true.

Good luck.

Pigtails

Thank you guys. You make good points. I think I am afraid of admitting to my doctor (I don't really have a primary one at the moment... I never get sick ha ha... I went to one to establish her as a primary and try to bring up some physical and emotional/mental issues, but I found her bedside manner really off-putting and she wasn't very helpful) that I am afraid I'm an alcoholic or that I have depression. I think there will just be this stigma in my medical records that will come up for insurance purposes and if I'm ever involved in a lawsuit etc.

How stupid is that thinking? Now that I type it out I realize it's non-sensical. I've already been to different therapists. I've already told the doctors and therpaists since I was 12 that I have a sleep disorder (night terrors) and all the doctors and therapists say that's related to anxiety, which I suppose is related to depression, which is all made worse by drinking, so I don't know why it's so hard for me to say, please help me doc, I have depression during the day and night terrors/anxiety (they're really like night-time panic attacks) at night and it never seems to get any better, only worse maybe, and I have a problem with drinking to try to cope with it all. Why is that so hard for me? I guess I beat around the bush or bring up some issues without just laying it out there.

MycoolFitz

I can relate. I'm been diagnosed with depression, anxiety disorder, sleep disorder and PTSD and alcoholism. Whew. They all fed off each other and were fed by the alcohol which only masked the pain and discomfort, nevewr addressed the disorders. Until I could get sober nothing else could fall into place. I had to explore various professional and helping resources until I found people that seemed to understand. And I had to learn to swallow my pride and my shame and be both open and honest with them. Its amazing as the alcohol cleared out of my system my mental, emotional and physical selves started to heal. Pain and discomfort is the natural way to know something is broken and needs fixing. Masking the pain through drink is self-defeating and harmful.

Pigtails

This gives me hope. I can so relate. My sleep disorder is one that most adults have when they also have PTSD-- war veterans or people who were abused/traumatized as children. I am not in that category and don't know why I have it. I guess it's just my brain's messed up way of trying to deal with stress.

I am finally realizing I have to be honest and humble. I am so used to putting up a front, to everyone, including myself, and presenting this image like I'm okay, "normal", happy even, when I never really was. (Successful professional when really I'm conflicted and sometimes miserable in my profession.... happy-go-lucky party girl when really I am drinking to cope with the pain.... easy-going friend and co-worker and employee and girlfriend etc. who never gets upset, when really I just masked all the emotions and pretended to be happy when I wasn't.) I guess I was "happy" as a teenager (even though I had night terrors then... although I didn't drink, so, that's promising) but I can't remember being consistently happy/content as an adult. And I'm 30. So, I guess I need to admit and face the issues if I ever hope to get there. I think I was in denial... when really I do face the same mental issues as my mom, but I just ignore them better, kind of. (Intrestingly enough, my mom doesn't drink and hasn't ever really drank as an adult, due to her religion and also due to the fact that her dad was an alcoholic and that really affected her as a child/teenager. Yet without alcohol she is not "happy" or even okay... she suffers greatly, to the point of sometimes not really even being functional. I am so afraid of being her that I guess I would almost rather drink it away than live like her. Not that that's a better life, but it feels easier to escape, and least I can present myself as a functioning human being, even though I'm so not. I know that's horrible to say but it's kind of how I feel.)

Anna

Take a breath and know that your situation is not overwhelming.

I used alcohol to self-medicate anxiety/depression/insomnia and it was a huge mistake because I just ended up with another big problem. I had to get the depression properly diagnosed and treated before I could stop drinking and I still take anti-depressants. And, yes, alcohol makes depression worse and causes anxiety to increase.

You said you feel like things are out of control whether you drink or not. In fact, I had to accept that most things in life were out of my control. The only thing I could control was my reactions to what was going on in my life. Letting go of trying to control things was a really hard thing for me to do. But, when you change your perspective in that way, you will find that life is much less of a struggle.

Itchy

Sure it is possible but until you stop and get past any withdrawal symptoms for several months there is no way of telling is there?

Put differently, if you aren't an aklcoholic just depressive then you won't have any problem abstaining form alcohol while under the care of a mental health professional will you?

Does alcohol cause your depression or is it a way you self medicate? I don't know. I am not depressive but I was sure depressed when I felt that I could not stop drinking for several years out of control. I never had panic attacks or anxiety until I went through withdrawal but those were only two or three and now there are no mental health issues except for normal life highs and lows.

I have lowered my expectations from life and loosed control of those around me and their controls over me. I can and do relax and let a lot slide now that would have gotten to me before, yet take care of things I avoided before. The world is an interesting place, I am too. I am however, only as interesting as I am interested. Outside of me.

Try sober life and then see if your issues still exist at all, or can be then dealt with, if still around.

Pigtails

How do I do this when it comes so unnaturally to me?

I have been resistent to the idea of anti-depressants because I did not want to alter my personality/brain (ironically I was doing that with alcohol) and I want to believe there is a way for me to change it on my own. Maybe I'm wrong.

I have been praying although I'm not even a believer, and that seems to help. And meditation. Just saying out loud what my goals are and how to focus on acheiving them, taking concrete steps instead of just wishing things were different and somehow thinking they will be different in the future. Trying to be grateful. These have helped me feel happier more frequently but then I still get the downward spiraling depressing feelings that hit me. Any other suggestions? Thank you for the help.

Pigtails

Thank you for the practice advice and helpful thought-provoking questions.

nandm

My experience has been that until I addressed my alcoholism and quit drinking I could not address my mental health issues and have any hope of resolving them or making them better. Not only do mental health meds not work properly with alcohol but when one is making their depression worse by their alcohol intake how can anyone expect for the depression to get better?

Once I treated my alcoholism and was past the PAWS for the most part I started addressing my mental health issues. I was about a year sober. I tried at first with herbal over the counter formulas, exercise, meditation, and positive readings. Unfortunately the herbal medications only increased my depression (they do not work for everyone and can increase some mental health issues when they do not). It was then I started trying therapy. I did that for about another 6 months. Needless to say it did not change my brain chemistry so it did not do much to help. It was only when I went to a mental health doctor and started taking the medications was I able to find any relief. What I have learned is that my body does not produce chemicals needed by my brain in sufficient quantities to keep my brain working like it should. Until I got that stabilized therapy was not going to take care of my problem, that does not mean it will not help someone who does not have a chemical related depression. Over the past 10 years I have struggled to get those chemicals correct with prescription medications. Once I got them stabilized enough for therapy to be a good addition to them I started therapy. It has been a struggle at times but it is still better sober.

I know if I don't treat my alcoholism then I won't treat my mental health conditions and if I don't treat my mental health conditions I will not treat my alcoholism. It is a complete circle for me with both components being vital to my survival.

Not everyone's depression is a chemical depression. I would encourage anyone to try non medication routes to find a solution anytime. There are many of those; yoga, exercise, meditation, self help books, reading here at SR, etc.... It is my opinion though that herbal over the counter drugs are just that drugs no different than prescription medications. They both have side effects, they both change the chemicals in the brain, some of them help some of them don't it just depends on the person. Personally I will stick with what my psych doc prescribes for me.

Good luck to you and I do hope you are able to find that you do not have a mental health issue related to your body not producing the chemicals your brain needs because it is much easier to treat and resolve.

Pigtails

Thank you so much nandm for sharing your experience. I do want to try the natural route (including no self-medication/ alcohol) before I turn to meds. It makes me wonder what people used to do back before there were anti-depressants... did they just live in isolation and misery? Did they abuse whatever was available to them and self-destruct? Or could they find away to turn things around without medicine or even without modern psychology? It's interesting to think about and I am glad we have made medical advances but I would also like to find a natural way out if possible. I realize that means I need to stay away from alcohol and get through PAWs which I think have been part of my problem in trying to quit for good.

Thanks for the support. I wish you all the best in your continued journey.

Reset

My answer isn't that different from what others have said.

I wasn't sure if I was an alcoholic but ultimately I decided that the label didn't matter. I was unhappy and didn't know if alcohol was the cause, a contributor, a roadblock, whatever. So I quit to see how big of an impact it was having and to see if it was preventing me from dealing with other issues. It was.

So you're not alone.

Pigtails

This is exactly how I feel. I'm unhappy and alcohol sure can't have been helping all this time. Temporarily helping to mask/numb things, or for me to escape them, yes, but long-term I'm realizing it only makes things worse.