masuhanley

I have broken up with ABF and have initiated no contact. I want his $hit out of my house yesterday. There's not a ton of stuff, mainly clothes, personal items, a nightstand, and a lot of tools in my basement and garage. But it's way too much stuff for me to take MY time to pack up and deliver to his idiot a$$. I want him to have to come over and do the work but I sure as hell don't want to be here when he does it. Thing is I don't trust him as far as I can see him to not do something damaging out of spite to my home or belongings. My 19 year old son said he would be willing to be here but I don't want to subject him to the a$$hole's behavior and comments which I KNOW would be aplenty.

What have some of you done in this position?

Maureen

wellnowwhat

is there someone from his family that could accompany him, and that you would be OK with?

Fandy

If you don't trust him in your home, i think you have to be there, but with some support from friends and family when he comes.

the only other thing is to have someone help you to empty the house and leave it on the driveway, walkway, and have a pre-arranged time set. If you put it on the curb and it gets stolen, he could make life more difficult.

(I once had my brother and his friend move a solid oak entertainment center that took up an entire wall, out the back patio door and onto the back lawn...they nearly herniated themselves)...but I would not allow mr. Azzwipe back into the house.

once it's all gone, change the locks... and make sure your neighbors know to tell you if he is seen in your immediate area.

marie1960

I understand you wanting his possessions out of your home. His stuff being there will remain the "reason/excuse" for any future contact. As much as you don't want to do the work of boxing it all up, it would be better than having him come into your home and start raising hell, and destroying your property.

Could you have a couple of friends or family members be at your home when he picks the stuff up? To avoid confrontation, I would not even be at home when he comes to get his things. Have everything in the garage so he doesn't have to come in the house.

I know it's alot of work, but it will be so worth it. Nobody says you have to box the stuff up nice and pretty. Hell, throw it in garbage bags. Think of it as a theraputic act, ridding your house and life of unnecessary clutter. Best of luck.

wywriter

I agree that it sounds like you will probably have to be there if you leave everything in the house, but you don't have to subject any friends or family members to the situation. Call the local police department, let them know the situation and that you fear he may get abusive, and schedule a time when both ABF and an accompanying officer can be there. It's pretty standard practice for divorces, and no one should question your request in this situation.

suki44883

Doesn't sound like it's all that much stuff. It shouldn't take long to gather it up and put it all in a corner of the garage, out of the way. You can give him a date by which it needs to be picked up or you'll set it out on the curb. It will then be his responsibility to either come get it or not.

GettingBy

I second what Suki said!!! Box it/Bag it and give him a drop dead date to pick it up. After that - it's garbagio!!!!!

StarCat

I broke up with XABF over Christmas vacation when he was still in rehab.
There was no way I wanted him anywhere near my apartment every again.

In my case, since I didn't have access to his mother's home (where he was legally residing) and all the things he left at my apartment that were of significant importance to him (credit cards, medication, etc) had already been moved to his mother's house or his car, I took my time pulling things off the wall and boxing them up. (There were lots of breakable things, I used up three Sunday newspapers, the boxes I got free from the local grocery store - they had nice partitioned ones as well, which were especially useful for the breakables). All his clothing went in trashbags (I used up an entire box of them).
I was considering different ways to get it to him without ever having to take it there - drop off at his car at work, put it in a storage unit, etc - when my therapist recommended a rather reasonable moving company who would move any quantity of items without a minimum charge, and would even donate them to a charity (they were located immediately next to one).

I picked the day and emailed XABF that his belongings would arrive that particular day, including the time range. He emailed back that I should just get rid of everything I didn't want to keep in the apartment - manipulation, yes, so I replied back that the moving van would arrive at his mother's house first, and if delivery was refused, they would continue onward and donate everything to the Salvation Army.

The moving company was great. I explained the basics of the situation (I didn't go into detail, I think I simply mentioned that it was an ex-boyfriend with currently mild stalker tendencies and I didn't want to encourage him). I filled out two sets of the paperwork for their files - one in case it was delivered to his mother and the other in case it was refused and donated instead, with XABF's address filled out so they'd send him the information for the value of the donation for his tax return (since he's always strapped for money, I felt that was important).

I paid the mover in cash, in advance. It cost me about 1/3 of my tax return, but it was worth it to me.
XABF has bad lungs, so hiring someone to help him move his stuff seemed like the right thing to do. I knew it would hurt him to have all his things arrive, because that was yet another sign that the odds of us getting back together again were dropping dramatically, but I had a clear conscience knowing that I did everything in my power to make it easy on everyone - including me!

I spent the other 2/3 of the tax return on adopting a kitten.

GettingBy

Awww Starcat... that is an AWESOME example of living with dignity!!! That's an amazing story. Thanks for sharing!

Tuffgirl

When my ex-husband moved out, I set a 6 month date for him to get his leftover stuff, which I moved to the garage. He didn't come pick it up; I had a garage sale. Made a couple hundred bucks with all the tools and golf equipment he left. He never said a word about it, either.

MyBetterWorld

I did the same thing. It was FANTASTIC! I liken it to finding money in the street.

DMC

I told my ex he couldn't come home after rehab, and he flew halfway across the country to his parent's home. While he was still in rehab, my mom flew out, we packed up as much of his stuff as would fit in his SUV and she drove it back to our hometown. (Partly as a reason why he couldn't come back.)

There were some large pieces of furniture that were special to his family and some things he was awarded in the divorce, so I packed it all up, and shipped it to him in a pod. It took a long time, mostly because I took the shipping costs out of his alimony and am still waiting for him to accept that it's over. But anyway, just piling it all in a corner of the garage was a start.

masuhanley

Thanks for the mostly positive responses. To the condescending person: try to remember back when you FIRST had to do this stuff. It is kind of a big deal, actually.

Today, on my day off, I had lunch with a wonderful friend, came home and re-read this thread, and packed his stuff up. Tools and hardware are all out in the garage, clothing is boxed, bagged and ready to be put out in the garage and I will decide on a time for him to come pick it all up; without me here.

Thanks again for the support!

dollydo

Sounds like a plan!

Freedom1990

Good for you! Doesn't it feel better having done all of that?

Sending you hugs of support!

Cyranoak

...before you go selling any more tools you just PM me and I might be able to take some off your hands. I can always use more tools! I think us dudes on the board should get first dibs. Plus, the vindictive part of me will absolutely love getting a deal on some jackass's tools. I'll enjoy using them even more than the ones I bought myself!

Cyranoak

marie1960

that's funny Cyranoak. I think men have a bigger thing about tools, than women do about shoes. I can remember my girlfriends jokingly referring to me as the shoe wh*re. So just wondering if the same rules apply to men? That would make you the tool _______ ?